964. ‘Thank You’ Pleases the Sender—GART I

This series will not be easy to make clear. So, pardon me if I oversimplify or repeat what’s gone before. This sums everything up: Men claim actions speak louder than words. Women may agree but they function oppositely. And a major stumbling block has to do with gratitude and expressing it or not.

To explore differences, we need a new acronym: GART. It stands for gifts, affection, rewards, and thanks and anything else that conveys one’s gratefulness. GART means far more to females than males, and so this series focuses on women expressing gratitude to men.

The soft-hearted side of female nature works diligently to reliably express gratefulness with GART. Women consider GART critical to relationship management.

The hard-hearted side of the male nature tends to overlook GART. It’s a major reason men don’t do relationship management; their nature doesn’t emphasize the basic requirements.

Women treat differently each of the GART expressions of female gratitude. They select what’s appropriate for each situation.

Men receive GART elements as alike, and they impact men differently than women expect. Not that a ‘thank you’ means the same as a reward or affection, but that all GART passes through the same masculine filters. This means that women don’t get the mileage they expect, when they try to express their gratefulness to a man as women express it to each other.

GART II provides details about the masculine filters. It’s next at #965.

867. Gender Differences Revisited — Group X

• A woman’s love shows up as words and actions that reveal her affection. As she demonstrates affection and loving kindness, she becomes more loving of the object of that affection. A man’s love shows up with his producing, providing, protecting, and problem-solving for someone for whom he feels responsible. His loving actions confirm to him his love for that someone.
• The internal forces that push a man forward—qualities such as work ethic, responsibility, rugged individualism—are comparable to the internal forces that warm a woman’s psyche such as love, affection, and intimacy.
• Women complain about male dominance. The more a woman likes herself as a female for being female, and the more feminine she portrays herself as such, then the less she permits men to dominate her. Men learn easily to use much softer gloves with women they highly respect. And men respect friendly and feminine females that exploit their unique nature to the fullest—which excludes as a guy, man, feminist, radical, or something else.
• In the matter of self-respect, self-worth, and self-confidence: Women expand and strengthen those qualities after they capture a boyfriend, mate, or husband. Men possess those qualities before capturing a mate, and if wife weakens them, she makes herself more burden than blessing.
• Women disclose their feelings easily; they view very open relationships as non-threatening. Men don’t need open relationships, and they don’t disclose feelings, unless it helps accomplish something.

728. Gender Differences Revisited — Group I

1. Conquest changes a man. He is no longer ‘in the hunt’ for that woman. Marriage changes a woman. Her husband can be made better, and she’s the one to improve him.
2. Dealing with the opposite sex, a man’s strength lies with directness and a woman’s with indirectness.
3. Men naturally dominate the present in both society and workplace. Women naturally dominate the future in both home and culture. (Male-dominated religions reject these natural imperatives. Our Judeo-Christian culture enables women to exploit these forces of Nature.)
4. Females specialize in loving others, but men specialize at something else.
5. Girls teach boys the requirements and finer details of dealing with females. Or boys learn to be guided by their hurricane of hormonal impulses even into adult life.
6. Girls dream about the right man and building a life together. Boys dream about doing things when they grow up, and a mate sometimes fills the background.
7. Men are impressed by what they see. Women are impressed by what they hear.
8. Women need affection, men don’t, and so men are weak at providing it. Men need respect, women don’t, and so women are weak at providing it.

674. RANDOM THOUGHTS — Group 8

♦       The number one survey complaint of women about their man is this: Too little affection. It’s deceptive, however. Affection is but a starter to affirm a woman’s sense of value to her man, which is what she’s really after.

♦       Feminism asserts itself to conquer male dominance. Women already knew how, but they let politics intrude the bedroom and male dominance has become greater if we measure it by the increased instances of masculine independence, aggressiveness, and violence since the 1960s.

♦       Female dominance is consciously thought out, deliberately designed, proven in reality, and potentially stronger. It’s the true purpose behind femininity and relies on logic, reason, gender influence, multiple agendas, deep feelings, personal persuasiveness, parlaying the present for the future, and whatever else women individually and collectively can create to get their way.

♦       Late in life hormones make a big difference. Her ratio of female hormones to testosterone falls, and she tends toward aggressiveness and dominance. His levels of testosterone fall, and he becomes less assertive and aggressive. 

♦       To the extent she expects him to be in charge, he expects her to be submissive. Negotiated and consistent agreements about who’s most responsible for what help breathe stability into a couple’s relationship. 

657. Keepers for Keepers — Assortment 20

• Some women believe in little, so they tend to believe whatever a man says. This makes them soft-headed. [19]
• Having unmarried sex with a man bonds her, but not him. This keeps her from objectively evaluating him as potential Mr. Right. [17]
• Providing sex easily, she acts as the seller before conquest. It’s her as buyer before the altar, and seller afterward that leads to marital permanence. [12]
• Males crown their natural aggression and dominance with violence, unless women tame, civilize, and domesticate them. [18]
• A woman thrives on her man’s devoted attentions, because it confirms her value and importance to him. [4]
• Nagging and criticizing a man don’t teach him to lather affection on her, because both alienate him. [18]
• First things first: A woman needs to obey her female nature to become extraordinary so a man will marry her for keeps. [17]
• Respect to, gratefulness for, and dedication pledged to and kept with one man inspires masculine fidelity, but it doesn’t guarantee it. [7]

620. Recovery for Wives — Part 3

WWNH: Recovery means it’s all up to her. Not meaning that wife has total responsibility, but that husband can’t do what she wants done.

Wives can’t change husbands. They can change their selves and their relationship. The appropriate quantity and quality of minor changes indirectly and patiently injected into a relationship can induce a sweeter spirit and elicit favorable changes in husband’s behavior.

If a marriage needs some recovery, “If it is to be, it is up to me.” Or so the wife should say.  

Truism: She married and expected him to change, and he won’t. He married expecting her not to change, but she does. Since marital recovery requires change, this means two things:

• Changes made in herself away from who and what she was before marriage are not helpful. For example, lathering him with much more affection than he’s accustomed to won’t likely help. Returning to her original cosmetics and aromas may help. (Just thoughts, not suggestions.)
• Changes that wife injects into their relationship should be subtle and not surprise husband. If he fails to acknowledge it, it’s good. It will register in background and linger below his consciousness. Wife has an intuition, so trust it. Self-confidence helps compensate for doing without husband’s feedback for her efforts.
• Four-course meals or the dance of the seven veils may please him. But his appreciation will soon die. The benefits don’t stay with him. It’s the hanging picture syndrome: You never notice the new picture you hung last week. Instead of enjoying her effort, the suspicion lingers that she’s a changed person, which instinctively weakens his respect for her.

If wife doesn’t know where to begin, let her use ‘sweeter’ as starter. She can generate more sweetness in herself, home, and relationship. Men are not immune to it, so by the time husband ‘catches it’, she’ll know how to recover in other areas.

593. Desirable or Washed Up? — #3. Stud or Dud?

This continues post 592 and a review may help with this one.

Wife’s sexual desirability flows from husband’s conviction of his studliness, which arises from her convincing actions. (Not the desirability of foreplay or arousal, but the kind that makes him think of her sexually when away. It brings him back to her, reliably.)

Is he Saint Stud or just Sir Dud? Only he can tell. His conviction comes from her actions. He finds actions hard to doubt but not words, especially if his sexual self-confidence is weak.

Three actions are the most convincing: (1) Easy availability negotiated within her sensibilities. (2) Willingness negotiated within her health. (3) Eagerness and joy displayed frequently and honestly.

·        Those actions make her desirable, because they signal that she needs him and only him. No one else will EVER do, or so he concludes.

·        Earning her devotion is the energetic and symbolic equivalent of her winning his love (details at 592). The sign that he deserves what he earned lies with confirmation of his sexual dynamism, although in truth his dynamism may be more imagined than real. (As Einstein said: “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” So, whose imagination? Both!)  

·        Negative feedback indicates ‘his dudliness’, and it conflicts with his self-defined studliness. The greater the conflict, the more he knows better and feels pushed to search out and find the truth. Where, who, how, when? Or so he ponders and eventually acts!

·        His conclusions count for everything. Her actions speak loudest and indirectness outweighs directness. Only his conclusions confirm that she needs him and that he, therefore, has earned what he deserves—her devotion. It’s a loop that only wife can close.

·        Her sexual need of him impresses and shapes his mind with her desirability. When his thoughts turn to sex, they turn to her anticipated eagerness and joy. This elevates ego over libido and her over everyone else.  

·        Women seek loving affection and expect it will overcome marital twists and turns. But it doesn’t make her desirable. Too much reliance on loving affection can spillover into fawning, babying, and mothering that short circuit her desirability. (Of course too little by him ruins post-coital intimacy. But it’s not her loving affection that stimulates his. It’s tender heartedness in all likelihood bred into him by females earlier in his life.)

·        We’ve focused on wife’s sexual desirability in husband’s mind. Of course, females seek to be desired for other than sex. It’s perfectly normal, but enabling him to earn her devotion makes everything else easier.

·        There’s a vital caveat: Unless he devotes himself to marriage, he has no real interest in upgrading his devotion or earning hers. Marriage sets his mind on the path to earn her devotion to him. Shacked up, for example, requires no legal or formal investment of his Self, so he senses less if any obligation to earn her devotion.

And, in another of God’s major blessings for females: Aging will change her appearance, but it need not change her sexual desirability.

527. LOVE vs. RESPECT — Section V

As husbands need lessons on HOW to love wives, females need to be taught HOW to respect men. Not talking about respect due because of male dominance, but respect due from women in spite of male dominance. The former is routine, the latter endorses and reinforces a man’s self-respect.

♫     The military leadership model in article 523 shows the importance of masculine self-respect in governing manly behavior.

♫     Scream all you want, but this is true. Innocent touching of male by female friend or associate—pat on back, etc.—passes strong messages of trust, which reinforces his self-respect. She has the skill, if she develops it, to also confirm the touch as innocent and not a call for his imagination to get excited.

♫     His hard-headedness reflects back from life’s mirror as self-respect. He governs his life to wipe out distortions or polish up smears that appear from time to time. 

♫     Her soft-heartedness shines into life’s prism and emerges in various colors of love. She governs her life to keep the colors clear and bright.

♫     Seeds are planted in childhood. Females learn by watching mom relate to dad. Unfortunately, because of so many fractured homes, daughters learn more about showing disrespect than respect.

♫     More seeds: Mom insists that children show respect for father, more than he earns or deserves. As with the military model, it’s rank and not holder that deserves the respect.

♫     Outside their love interests, women see far less need for mutual respect. Inside their love interests, self-respect is not nearly as meaningful. They can even love people they disrespect.

Being personal instead of task oriented, love lacks the organizational specificity that men appreciate and can enjoy. So, men default to the male dominance model: Husband as head of house.

If wife focuses on reinforcing his self-respect with the same fervor she seeks his greater attentions, affections, and appreciations, she can prevent or ease conflicts.