516. Exes with Benefits? — II

The lead article in this series introduced the subject of sex after breakup and how to reconcile successfully, should she ever desire it.

Chastity with an ex makes her the driver and him the passenger. It reenergizes his natural drive to conquer and squeezes it beneath her commitment to serve herself with abstinence.

Under such pressures, his renewed respect can redound to new love. But whether it does or not and regardless of final outcome, she wins and he loses.

If she might want him back, or just wants to test to see if he’s worthy, she works on herself in such a way that he works on himself:

©     She commits and accepts him only for a platonic friendship and courtship. This silhouettes her chastity and honors her self-respect, both of which men respect.

©     She finds moral reasons to remain chaste and reinforces such reasons continually to herself.

©     She stamps out any lingering bitterness in herself and finds ways to kill any bitterness he may have.

©     She forgives his past offenses, and it includes forgetting them.

©     She knows that to explain herself shifts the advantage back to him. She doesn’t complain and doesn’t explain about withholding sex. It’s just the way she is NOW. One exception: next.

©     When pushed, she acknowledges that she’s saving herself for first or next husband, whoever it may be. No hurry. Ex may qualify, but who knows at this time. That’s all ex should know, because that’s all she should be committed to.

©     If ex wants to qualify as husband, let him try. Fewer words by her convince more easily, because rejection speaks so loudly.

©     Her chasteness becomes believable and valuable when he concludes that other men also run into her new commitment to abstinence.

©     Unless incompatibilities intrude such as bitterness, saving herself for another man eats at him. This induces change in men worth their salt.

 Never foolproof, but chastity works better than anything else to change the male mind.

415. Virtual Virginity #20

     Virtual virginity works like this: A woman persists in remaining chaste with a particular man. His conquering spirit forces him to continually ponder and try to improve his chances.

Men respect chaste females, so he judges her as actual or near-virgin from the virtuous behavior he sees. Provided she keeps her sexual history secret, he’s forced to guess at her sexual experience.

The longer and more persistently she prevents his conquest—but is able to keep him interested in her—the more credit he gives her for chasteness. His conquering spirit tells him that other guys were unsuccessful, because even he cannot score, and he’s the most deserving of them all.

Virtual virginity enables a woman to pressure a man into deciding whether he wants her, or he’s only after sex with her. It empowers her to govern their relationship agenda, separate the worthy man from the unworthy, recruit the best applicant to help fulfill her hopes and dreams, and save her greatest asset for his reward when their relationship goes her way.

Men value virginity and near-virgins, because it symbolizes they go where other men have not. He’s driven by his competitive nature. Her apparent purity confirms his potential as winner, and this makes him stay around for his crowning.

143. Chaste courtship works—Part 4

♀Using sex to capture a boyfriend is easy. Sex infatuates boys, but it does not bond men. Thus, unmarried sex paves the road to ex-girlfriend, -lover, -live in, or -wife.

♀Women have no greater direct influence on their own personal world than when they refuse to provide unmarried sex. Yielding weakens her influence and enhances his dominating spirit.

♀ Women have two major windows in which they can change their man: A long courtship before they first have sex and in middle age after Nature softens his heart. Both, however, require patience, indirectness, and feminine charm.

♀Women reject a long chaste courtship. They prefer the joys of sex over opportunity to makeover a man into Right Man. This forces her to seek to change him after marriage, a sure-fire way to push him toward other arms.

♀ Women want to change their man after marriage but find that they can’t. The male nature resists her pressures to change, except as a woman delays his premarital conquest to stimulate change.

♀ A long sex-free courtship resolves uncertainty about a man’s character and potential for successful marriage. Most men reveal their true character but not their entire Self, when facing a woman’s hard-headed and continuing delays for their first sex together. But, women are in charge of courtship only as long as it remains platonic.

♀ A simple test of a man’s devotion: He honors her needs and wants ahead of his own. If, however, he continually pleases her at the expense of his manly dreams, she will lose respect for him and he will eventually become dumper or dumpee. 

[More about the merits of chaste courtships appear in post 108, 107, and 100. Scroll down or search by the number.]

108. Chaste courtship works—Part 3

NOTE: Thanks to Suzanne for triggering this post. She put a big smile on my face, and I love it when pretty women do that. AGM

Relationships start with attraction, infatuation, and lust; fold into passion and love; and level off as enduring mutual love. Or, so women hope.

The rules for success are many, but wrongs trump rules, Nature trumps Love, and men trump women that don’t know how to make men successful at husbanding and fathering.

For successful living with a man, women as the relationship expert need to overcome the innumerable devils in the details. For example:

• Men don’t take orders from women. It weakens his sense of significance. Women are much more effective conveying their expectations some other way, more indirectly.
• Women must qualify their man for marriage; condition him to accept her values, standards, and expectations; and expect never to change him after their first sex together.
• Man of the House, Head of the House, Home CEO, or whatever you call it, women indirectly govern the home unless she sided with the wrong man. It takes a long courtship to decide correctly.
• It’s her nest to build into a castle. But then, he expects comfort and convenience over her perfectionism, functionality over her style and fashion, and at least the appearance if not the actuality of him as boss. 
• Men respond to women eventually, but not immediately, directly, or openly. They need time and latitude to make his meeting her expectations look like something else—even his idea. Men can afford to be impatient, but their woman cannot. Patience is an immensely great female virtue for marriage.
• Men treat women as females teach them, mostly earlier in life. Mothers sometimes fail, girls stupidly don’t condition boys to respect females, and single women provide sex before they earn a man’s respect by not providing it. Hence, some men mistreat women.

People don’t mistreat those they respect. That’s why a long courtship helps qualify a man as having had a good upbringing and as having developed potential for treating her well.

[More about courtships appear at the following posts. Enter the highlighted number in the Search box above.]

Chaste courtship works—Part 2	107
Chaste courtship works—Part 1	100
Right Man: need or kneed?—second unit	90
The Great Female Giveaway	82
Right Man: need or kneed?—first unit	77
Escaping loneliness	42
Commitment you hear, devotion you see	13
Affection—both have A.D.D.	3

44. Virtual Virginity #1

Virtual virginity means acting like a virgin committed to saving herself for her husband.

Abstinence holds men off. Chastity keeps men interested. Virginity—real, virtual, or imagined—attracts the Marrying Man.

The more restrained a woman’s sexual activity, the easier to earn a man’s respect upon which his love can be built. (Coming soon: A post about the toxins of disclosing her sexual history.)

Playing ‘hard-to-get’ empowers a woman to dominate a courtship. She can separate a man’s actions as devotion to her alone from his words of commitment that may be hollow to enable conquest. She can shape their relationship to keep brightening her future. She can force a long sex-free courtship to better assess his character and value as husband and potential father.

Once she yields, however, his nature and character—or lack of character—take hold. He assumes the dominant role as conqueror’s right.

42. Escaping loneliness

Women: This is not advice, but another model to understand male thinking.

Recruit Mr. Right at a big church. Go weekly and arrive before everyone else. Seek isolation and sit out in the open. (If others join you, they hide the mystery or your isolation.) Select the pew so you can be easily approached without someone having to sit with you.

Go alone, as a girlfriend will detract from you. Groom and dress neatly and modestly, very pretty and very feminine. You may want to invest in a make over, if your luck recently has not been good. Be predictable, pleasant, patient, and a study for others, while you study your bible. Keep doing it weekly, same service, same attractiveness, same pleasantness.

When approached, do not act eager but polite with just a hint of ‘vague and unavailable’. Your being alone works to a man’s strength and advantage. Women alone need rescue, so a man will assume your loneliness signals need for him. Also, if he is to be rejected, he wants no witnesses.

Men or the mothers of unattached men will find you. One may be worth keeping. Or, some man may invite you to a singles class or other church function by way of a ‘half-date’. This would be much better than showing up at such places as your desperate self or at the invitation of another female.

The purpose of this scenario is to meet men better grounded in respect for the female gender than those you’ll meet bar hopping. It guarantees nothing, but it signals to men that you think for yourself, will not be easily conquered, and may be ideal for a wife. Thus, you start off in charge of any relationship that develops.  

41. Hook up to Pain and Misery

Women want more female-type love and affection from their man, and would appreciate more platonic attention from other men. What pleases women, however, has been driven out of the cultural values that shape everyday society.

This places females at the corner of Pain and Misery trying to cross against the traffic as they head for the recycle bin. Relationships crash and loop back through a series of painful episodes for females. The series looks like this:

Hook up. Females hook up to show love that is seldom returned. Males hook up for sex and keep their true emotions hidden. Without his devotion first, she becomes either a temp or keeper, and he takes her to the next level of link up or shack up. Or, she becomes a ‘safety’ or duty slut for the next time he is left without a sex partner. Or, she registers with him as leftovers for recycling by other guys.

Link up. Females desperately link up to have a boyfriend. Males link up to have convenient sex regularly, while awaiting the next target to conquer. Men only have to show an interest in matrimony. This keeps her on the string, until he dumps her at his convenience.

Knock up. Females get knocked up accidentally or deliberately. Males knock them up and create ‘baggage’ for her—often unrepentantly too, because the pill puts all responsibility on her.

Shack up. Females shack up to test or simulate marriage on the economy plan. Males shack up for commitment-lite sex provided economically.

Marry up. Females gleefully marry up trying to go first class. Males marry but commit cautiously. She expects him to change, but he won’t. He expects her to stay the same, but she changes. Men comfort themselves ahead of time that little more than a lawyer’s fee will enable escape.

Muck up. Wives thanklessly throw up their hands in frustration at the man who ‘brung ‘em to the dance.’ He is neither good enough nor inclined to make her happy. Husbands resent wifely ingratitude, interpret it as his insignificance, and reach for the abandonment switch.

Split up. Women split up with high hopes of kissing another frog into princehood without having learned that they neutered their ex. Men ignore monogamous commitments and turn their other princely cheek to be kissed by another female—quite often, though, just his hind cheek.

Pay up for her. Women tearfully pay up and turn desperate for another frog to kiss, quite often someone else’s husband. Her life no longer matches her youthful hopes and dreams. Even when she does have a man to call her own, she calls him ‘not good enough.’

She married him ‘as is’ but cannot accept him that way. Having little or nothing to be grateful for, she burrows deeper into depressive unhappiness. A few wives earn more successful marriages the next time around, but others don’t. Their bad decisions started with hook up.

Pay up for him. Men take the hit in the wallet for having chosen the wrong woman, as they see it. So, they specialize in going blossom-to-blossom to fulfill their conquering urge. Men who have undergone the wallet-hit ignore or reject calls for commitment by another woman, because she does not carry wife malpractice insurance to pay him off the next time. Remember, when their marriage sours, men turn against marriage.

End up for her. Women end up in the recycle bin looking for another man. Sometimes she steals one from  a sister female. She is doomed to repeat living in the fast lane to pain when she starts at the top of the painful loop with another hook up. Odds are she could do better by insisting on marriage before sex. Her future brightens, if she conquers him instead of enabling him to conquer her. Remember, when their marriage sours, women turn against men.

End up for him. Men end up looking for the next conquest. They know clearly how and what they intend to avoid with the next female in their life.

40. Her mushy thinking—Part 2

Men are born hard-headed and hard-hearted. Women are born hard-headed but soft-hearted. Oftentimes women go soft in their thinking. Mushy, that is. Poor results dealing with men usually follow:   

♀—She mates with a bad man or inadequate mate. When dumped or forced to drop him, she picks up with another loser, and then another….

♀—She thinks that men are like women in their thinking, habits, and urge to constantly be together. We are mostly co-dependent, or so she imagines.

♀—She flaunts her co-dependency and faults her man when he has more important things to do.

♀—She becomes jealous too easily of the hold that his job has on him.

♀—She cheapens sex and herself in a man’s eyes by using sex to capture him. Men will hang around her until another sex target comes in view, and some may even go through the process of linking up, shacking up, and perhaps marrying up. But, split up is not far behind, because his respect for her is less than required for his permanency.

♀—She fails to grasp that sex primarily satisfies his raw appetite. When his ego is deeply massaged by hunting and overcoming all the obstacles to conquering her, his self-respect, respect for her, and her holding power over him skyrocket. This still does not mean that he will stay with her, but she has no better form of insurance. (Boyfriends cannot be sued for malpractice, at least not yet. A hundred or so years ago many people were sued for ‘alienation of affection’.)

♀—She thinks a hunk makes her feel good or look good to her sister females, so she puts more value in a man’s appearance than his character. His appearance tells nothing about how he will treat her, only how he admires himself. His character may already be corrupted for living with a female.

♀—She fails to recognize that men evaluate her character and non-sex assets before they first have sex. Afterwards he pays much less attention to what else she has to offer. (Hollywood and TV work diligently to hide this part of the male nature; they prefer to show the wishful but fruitless thinking of females who know little about men and nothing about the females’ strategic power potential when using virtual virginity.)

♀—She is so caught up in romantic love that she lacks both knowledge and skill to generate a man’s enduring love to replace their romantic love that will fade in a year or so.