1748. Sex Differences Redux — Part 02: Their Wants

Post 1747 started re-describing the foundation principles that undergird this blog. Today, we continue with results of how God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize women and men.

Her Wants:

• A woman does not absolutely need a man, but she wants company or assistance at specific times in life.
• Her primal want is for a solid relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that affect her and her children.
• She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people, unexpected events, and catastrophes.
• She wants comfort in needy times and companionship for prevention of loneliness.
• Intuitively, she favors one man, because two will not knowingly share her except that one on the sly may cuckold another.

His Wants:

• A man wants the freedom to do as he chooses and especially make himself stand out among others as unique, as a competitor, as a person of significance.
• He seeks the freedom to lay with her or play with her, to hunt or punt, rest or nest, read or lead, think or drink, farm or harm, glean or lean, produce or reproduce, or just do something new or exciting—especially in the spare time he earns from working at his job.
• His pastimes may or may not include his woman, which is a good endorsement of long courtships to form more mutual pastimes.

Their greatest fears and compatible focus on time are next with post 1749.

793. Commitment and Devotion Revisited

Reorganized, clarified, and reissued as #1817.

768. Beware Red Flags — Part 4

Yesterday’s post was about in-laws and today it’s about the couple.

Take what follows as his potential as mate and not damnation of him as person. Perception is reality. If you see red flags waving, he may be Mr. Wrong. If not, however, it doesn’t make him Mr. Right.

The flavor of the list conveys all-out suspicion, but it’s not intended that way. It’s about you becoming more perceptive in the course of everyday life.

·        Are his promises of commitment confirmed by actions that show devotion? If not, it’s probably too early to commit yourself.

·        Do his actions match his words and vice versa? Major deviance can spell dishonesty, phoniness, lack of integrity, or all of the above. Minor differences indicate need for your greater analysis.

·        Does he have less education and earn less money than you? If yes, a super-beware is in order. It won’t bother you, but it will eat away at his dignity. Sooner or later he’ll hold it against you, especially the money bit. Moreover, it’s a set of pressures that push men toward someone else.

·        Does he seek to earn your devotion with his actions or with words? Trust his actions but verify his words.

·        Observe what he does when he thinks you’re not watching. You’ll learn much more than from his words.

·        Pay attention to what he does. Those things are important to him. If you complain, offenses against you that he doesn’t repeat can still return after conquest or marriage. So, you should find ways to assess his sincerity. (Again, just be more perceptive about everything without being suspicious of him.)

·        Watch for shady or unsteady character. His actions much more than words accurately reflect his role in your life. (Ideal roles look like this: You see much evidence of his devotion through his actions, and you devote to him in his working role, aka his missions in life. Mutual commitment and moral obligations work best as subsets that support mutual devotion.)

In the end you still have to decide. Love often overrides reason, but before it happens you should assess red flags that may forecast undesirable consequences. The final installment of this series flies tomorrow.

706. Favored Quotes — Collection 5

• “…[Y]ou can’t fix him — especially if you sleep with him!” (Kathy at past #25)
•  “Involving male-female relations, a woman’s body is her cover letter. The rest about her, including her brain, is her resume.” (Dogsandfitness at 681)
•  “…[H]omecare is not an end in itself.” (Princess Rita at 705)
•  “On another note, this weekend, I made it my practice to smile (or at least have a pleasant expression on my face) whenever my husband looked at me. We spent more time together this weekend than last weekend, and I think that’s the reason why. Who wants to spend time with a sad or angry person? I wasn’t really angry before, but I didn’t look happy, and therefore, was not attracting my husband like I wanted. I guess I was expecting him to think, “She doesn’t look happy; how can I make her happy?” instead of, “She doesn’t look happy; I’d better stay away from her until she gets over it.” Ah! Behold the power of smile!” (Kathy at 701)
•  “Do you respect your husband deep in your soul? If not, ask God to give you insight into your husband and to develop a respect for him. Also, pray for your husband…this helps you to want the best for him.
     “When you have a deep respect for him in spite of his behavior, it really helps you to ride out the storm of his displeasure and unhappiness.” (Jill F. at 694)

704. Gender Differences Revisited — Group C

Reorganized, clarified, and reissued as #1749.

703. Gender Differences Revisited — Group B

Reorganized, clarified, and reissued as #1748.

692. Attitude of Gratitude — Part 3

Mutual happiness flows out of interactions that she controls, or at least she’s the major initiator.

Actions generate gratefulness, which generates happiness. Working backward, her happiness flows from her gratitude for who he is and what he does, from what she gains by partnering with him. Her gratitude arises from actions that demonstrate her gratefulness, because feelings follow actions. Three cautions:

•  If she fails to act gratefully for him and his efforts, her attitude of gratitude will not arise and happiness will likely elude her.
•  If she’s ungrateful for him, the possibility of happiness with him recedes accordingly.
• And most importantly, however she expresses her gratitude, he will never perceive it as intensely, broad, deep, and generous as she views it.

He doesn’t look for her gratefulness per se, he looks first for her respect and then her appreciation. Without the former, the latter become meaningless.

He doesn’t pay enough direct attention to fully recognize her gratefulness. She will easily feel shortchanged, if she expects comparable recognition for showing her gratitude. It’s another indirect penalty that females pay to keep a man.

More about him tomorrow.

 NOTE: This series has turned far more complex than originally expected. I’ve planted confusion and encourage you to ask questions to help me clarify it. Two more articles coming in the series.

691. Attitude of Gratitude — Part 2

This post discloses sex differences that help or hinder the shaping of a mutual attitude of gratitude so essential for mutual happiness.

•  A woman measures her value as a person by her importance to others in her world.
•  A man measures his value as a person by his sense of both importance and significance in his world. He can live without symbols of importance (e.g., feedback from others) but not significance (e.g., personal dignity and honor paid to Self).
• When someone makes her feel important—not just to herself but to others—she freely expresses her gratitude.
• When someone makes him feel important, his reaction tends more to internalizing pride than expressing gratitude. When someone makes him feel more significant, his reaction tends more to gratitude than pride.  
• Words from others can make women feel important, and so they need much input from others.  (Self-talk doesn’t work as well as with men, so women depend more on associating with others.)
• Words make men feel important, whether self-talk or that of others. Importance is okay but temporary. Actions make men feel significant, whether his own accomplishments or actions by others in response to him. Significance is essential and permanent and insignificance his greatest fear.
• (In the military, for example, medals, ribbons, and proficiency awards displayed on the uniform signify significance. Letters of commendation represent temporary importance. I offer this premise: Women value letters more than medals.)

As a couple, she wants to hear his gratitude expressed about her importance to him. He wants to see her grateful actions that reinforce his sense of significance. Not just to her but to the world outside, his world of competitive men. Who gets what first? That’s next, tomorrow.