- The way to a woman’s happiness is far easier than for men. First, forget happiness as a goal. Second, pursue what makes her feel important. Third, find gratitude in what she does and the people in her life. Fourth, stay focused on her gratitude including gratefulness for the problems only she can resolve and frustrations only she can overcome. She only has to recognize her gratefulness for happiness to flood her spirit.
- Why is the way to female happiness far easier than for men? Women are born soft-hearted and men are not. The difference enables women to more easily find gratitude in what they do and in those with whom they associate.
- When prospective parents know the sex of the fetus, they switch their thinking and emotions onto the child and away from the mother. Give prenatal glory to the small-c creator, and both mom and child will benefit the most.
- Her femaleness makes her a sex object. Her appearance makes her a sex target. Her virtues slowly exposed morph into the promise that a hunter-conqueror needs to want her to the exclusion of other men.
- Dating is for uncovering likeability. Courtship is for exploration. Engagement is for confirmation. Marriage is for exploiting their respective strengths and fulfilling their mutual hopes and dreams.
- When women think of all men as dolts, idiots, etc., they more easily see what’s not admirable about their own man. When women think that men are good and worthwhile, they more easily admire their man. (Admiration builds a man’s ambitions and fertilizes his sense of personal responsibility.)
Tag Archives: courtship
During dating, courtship, and engagement women lay groundwork to win or lose in the marital power game. As the relationship expert, a strong female intuitively knows about these pointers, but not all females are feminine or expert enough to use them to feather their domestic nest.
- Women face two fine lines along which to tread judiciously. One separates competition from cooperation and the other separates his dominance (aka expectation for her to submit) and her submissiveness
- The female best able to march boldly along those two lines emerges victorious in all her relationships. She competes such that he takes no offense while simultaneously encouraging him to cooperate with her agenda. She submits to his dominance such that he’s pleased, but she ultimately gets her way. She treads two very fine lines, but doing so manifests her likeability as mate.
- She knows that competing with a man before marriage wins his respect so essential for his love. Competing with him after marriage eases her toward the recycle bin.
There’s another line but more clearly seen at the altar: before and after marriage.
- Before: She competes strongly with him to shape their relationship to match her agenda and fulfill her hopes and dreams. She doesn’t submit as she would after marriage; instead she stands up to him to make his dominance less domineering and more acceptable for marriage.
- After: She quits competing with him; instead she becomes submissive but not as sycophant. She works to coordinate their cooperation into promoting his job and efforts for the short term while fulfilling her hopes and dreams for the long term.
God designed, Nature endows, and hormones energize women to compete with a man before marriage and cooperate with him after marriage. Thus, she wins her respected place in their premarital relationship and sustains her respected place in marriage.
When love develops and sometimes even before, women lose their senses about one thing: The future can’t be anything but brighter with her new love object. She’s quick to call him The One or Mr. Right and proclaim it among girlfriends to share her excitement. (And subliminally discourage a hostile takeover of her man by a girlfriend.)
Put simply, a woman in love needs to protect herself from herself. Awarding him an unearned ‘rank’ by calling him The One or Mr. Right is premature at best and de-challenges him at worst. Such heartfelt conclusions lead down pot-holed toll roads for her and toll-free expressways for him.
If she adopts the following personal standards to shape his and her thinking and perspective, love will go much smoother and more advantageous for her. The standards are reusable and protect her if love afflicts her more than once.
Call him Mr. Good Enough to date him. Call him Mr. Promising to enter courtship. Call him The One after he proposes and is accepted. Finally, call him Mr. Right after many, many years of marital bliss or something close to it—ideally near end of life.
Calling husband The One can satisfy him better than being called Mr. Right. ‘One’ is ultimate and more meaningful to him. ‘Right’ is not ultimate, but more meaningful for her.
Why have these standards? Because women excited by love too easily overstate and over claim the promise one man holds for their future. Also, calling him better than what he’s earned eases challenges that keep him interested in her. If and when he claims prematurely that he’s Mr. Right, demote him. He’s using it because she wants to hear it. Never let him know he’s reached her ultimate until it’s too late for him to do anything else with anybody else—very old age.
Also, when a man deeply interested in a woman finds out he’s Mr. Good Enough but not The One, he rises to the challenge, seeks to outcompete other guys, and proves himself worthier and best for her. His actions lead to his devotion, but it takes time and requires much female patience.
In the end, she weakens her position by accepting him with any ‘rank’ that he’s not earned by her standards.
A few more tips lead to closing this series:
- The later the cutoff of deepening foreplay, the greater the frustration. The greater the frustration, the less respect he holds for her, the less inclined she becomes to terminate foreplay the next time, and the closer they draw to intercourse.
- If she measures her sense of self-worth or his worthiness for her by her passions under foreplay pressures, he’s on the road to intercourse and she will perhaps lose him later rather than sooner.
- If he won’t respect body parts as untouchable when she seeks snuggling romance, does he respect her enough to love her? If he’s told to not touch or his wandering hands are moved, how does he react? Respectful withdrawal and restraint? Or, lack of restraint, persistence against her wishes, and disrespect?
- If he won’t honor her decisions regarding chasteness and allow her to prevent excess temptation, will he honor her other personal decisions once they marry? Don’t count on it.
- Foreplay is the best testing ground to prove that he’s worthy of her, to condition his thinking habits to accept her decisions. After marriage, or at least after romantic love fades in a year or two, few things will be more important to her than his respect for her opinions and decision-making.
- Think about a lengthy courtship. Gradual expansion of foreplay easily leads to sex before marriage. However, a firm stopping point can be negotiated and agreed to early in courtship. If he goes along and his devotion accepts conquest after marriage, she’s won the ballgame.
So, this series ends. Foreplay has been brought to a boil, condensed, and separated from romance, love, and female wishful thinking. It’s a great tool to show her wifely potential, but she has to exploit it.
Many factors make or break a marriage. The following are differences that tend to seal the deal for success, ‘dabs of glue’ as it were.
- She’s mostly hard-headed and competes with him during courtship. She’s primarily soft-hearted and cooperates with him after marriage.
- Men seek relationships for fun and functionality. Women seek relationships for emotional comfort.
- She loves her man completely. He predominantly loves his work or whatever he does to prove himself to himself.
- Husband produces, provides, protects, and problem solves, which proves his value to himself. He does it to prove himself to her, if she appreciates and rewards him.
- Wives expect husbands to be romantic, but romance slows a man’s conquering nature. Men are as attractively romantic as a woman requires before she accepts foreplay or sex. (Courtship provides time and opportunity to teach him to measure up to what she expects in marriage.)
- Romance and foreplay usually precede sexual union. Men must be taught the details patiently and indirectly, or women eventually find their man lacking in one or the other.
- When a couple starts to split up, it often starts here: Women marry expecting their man to change, but he doesn’t. Men marry expecting their wife not to change, but she does. [I credit an unknown emailer from years ago for this one.]
AND SHE SAYS: You put the entire burden on women. What about husbandly obligations?
AND GUY SAYS: Good point, but women have for decades been hearing about male inadequacies, outrageousness, irresponsibility, incompetence, inconsiderateness, selfishness, self-centeredness, and everything else that supports blaming men for relationship failures. This blog focuses on What Women Never Hear.
- Women expect men to love and cherish them as females love others, but it’s another natural inequity.
- When demonstrating their love, men are very different from women. This chromosomal XX ≠ XY frustrates women into expecting a balance that never comes.
- If her man demonstrates his love as females show love, she loses respect for him.
- For a woman love and sex tend to merge. For a man love and sex tend to remain disconnected.
- Based on infatuation and lust, romantic love fades after a year or two. Enduring love can replace it, if courtship laid the foundation around his devotion of her rather than just his ‘commitment to them’ (more tomorrow at #793).
- A man’s enduring love is based on his unconditional respect for women generally and conditional respect of one woman specifically. It emanates from his appreciation of female attributes and her virtuous character, self-respect, and likeability as a mate.
- A woman’s enduring love is structured around her need for a brighter future for her and kids. It emanates from her emotional dependencies with her own life into which some responsible man enters.
- Enduring love being founded on deep respect, too much familiarity too soon and too fast short-circuits his respect for her. Full disclosure, touchy-feely, and easy sex are culprits.
The previous six chapters show patriarchy natural for females to exploit, and matriarchy has no chance of replacing it. Consequently, women are ‘forced’ to try harder than men up until they ‘convert’ one man to devote himself to marriage, husbanding, and fathering. After that, husbands have to devote harder to provide and protect, while wives devote to holding the relationship together. (It sounds severe, because we’re viewing married life beneath the positive surface and bonding attributes of love.)
God designed and Nature rewards the female. She’s compensated for male dominance and the relative imbalances just cited with an endowment of relationship expertise. Females know who, what, when, where, why, and how to successfully deal with males or a man. It’s their longest and strongest suit, if they play their hand not perfectly but just well.
To pay for the gift of their dominant spirit, God designed and Nature makes males susceptible to capture by sexual relations, by the females’ unique ability to reward males. Capture is one thing, and men don’t mind. Holding one is another, because men do mind suppressing their hunter-conqueror spirit.
· Men expect continual rewards for swapping their independence for family responsibility. Convenient sex is but a frequent reminder. Other female attributes such as femininity, likeability, and attractiveness seal the deal for holding a man through a lasting marriage. Compared to other women and leaving sex out of the equation, husband perceives wife as extraordinary. It makes yielding his independence worthwhile.
· Women hopeful of keeping their man reward with male-friendly incentives and avoid most of what incentivizes females. For example, wife makes herself attractive at all times and avoids sloppy appearances and careless grooming before her man. (She saw the need for it in courtship, so why drop it in marriage, why show that she tricked him?) When she puts her laziness before pleasing his eyes, she desensitizes husband to her importance for him.
· Over and above what they may earn themselves, women want some measure of wealth provided and protected by a help-mate in order to fulfill their hopes and dreams. Only a man can provide it reliably, and husbands do it best.
· Their relationship expertise tells women to focus on what they have, and what a man can do for them. And focus not on what they lack and particular men can’t or won’t do for them.
Brightening the females’ future relies on creating and accumulating new economic wealth. Men are naturally endowed to create it, and women are naturally endowed to take advantage of it. Not by gold-diggers in the traditional sense, but thar’s much gold to be mined in them patriarchal hills by women that appreciate the male gender for all it can do and respect it for just being different.
And thus this series ends.
She has to make choices. I caution against being guided by her dreams about life with a man, his pledges of commitment, or perhaps their mutual intentions. She will do better deciding beforehand the choices to be made—regardless of who the man is—in these critical stages:
· Dating is for fun. Courtship is for involvement. Engagement is for mutual examination. Church-going is for generating and improving devotion to each other. Does she know how she will handle each? How much time she will need? More importantly and when necessary, can she convince him of her rightness?
· Pre-conquest is for generating his respect for her and shaping his thinking into more closely matching hers. Does she see this as her opportunity to shape forever their relationship?
· Conquest is his reward—aka return on investment—for investing himself in her hopes and dreams. Did she remain chaste long enough for him to even learn her hopes and dreams? Will she yield on lust, intentions, promises, commitment, or devotion? Can she tell the difference?
· When she yields sex, it releases him from his quest to conquer her. He changes to having an owner’s expectations, but will it be to her advantage or disadvantage? Can she tell ahead of time? For sure?
· Marriage to him adds another mission to his life. Does she know what she has to give up in exchange for his independence?
Love-aholics and women desperate for a man can’t keep a man. Foolish women, much like adolescent girls, let love dominate their thinking. Love can’t be relied upon to successfully pick and keep a mate who will stick through thick and thin, raising kids, and providing comfort. For example, where do in-laws fit in? That’s next.