1848. Sex Difference Redux—Part 90: Where Love Begins—06

Romantic love begins in your ears and his eyes, but it only lasts a year or two. Enduring love begins with your knowledge of men generally, your man particularly, and yourself intrinsically. This post cites ten more sex differences that you should balance to morph from romantic love to the enduring love that lasts a lifetime.

51. You specialize in loving others, especially family. Your man specializes at loving many things and even those outside the family, such as job, hobby, and sports.

52. You either teach boys and young men the requirements and finer details of dealing with females, or their hurricane of hormonal impulses guides them into adult life.

53. You as a girl dreamt about the right man and building a life together. Your man as a boy dreamt about doing things when he grew up. A mate sometimes filled the background, but she mostly appeared in a secondary role. (Because boys don’t dream much about mating up, they have to be taught how to do it well.)

54. You are more impressed by what you hear. Men are more impressed by what they see. (It makes romantic love easy to both rise and fall.)

55. You need to be shown affection but men don’t. Consequently, they are weak at providing it. Men need respect but women don’t, and so you are weak at providing it.

56. If your man cheats, you want to talk. If you cheat, he wants to walk.

57. Your enduring love builds around your primal need for a brighter future. Your man’s enduring love builds on respect for your self-respect, virtues, and likeability as his mate. (Sex plays a secondary role for the long term provided his immediate needs are met in the short term.)

58. You dream of a happy life with Mr. Right, but you learn in marriage that it’s up to you. Your man knows that he’s the right man for any woman, and he expects you to harmonize the home into happiness. (It’s a particularly tough-to-take trait that requires a lot of feminine shrewdness to harmonize anything much less the home.)

59. You value and focus primarily on who people are. Your man values and focuses primarily on what people do.

60. You focus strategically on the future and plan tactically for the present. Your man focuses on the present and plans tactically for the future. (Thus, you dominate the family future when you make your first priority to enable him to dominate the family present. The family rank structure of husband, wife, mother, father, kids that I describe elsewhere aids and abets you gaining such governance pressures.)

Hundreds of sex differences determine the outcomes of your interactions with men and your man. This ends the first 60 differences, but many more follow at ten per post.

1138. Women Pay for Immaturity

• The rules for relationship success are many. However, wrongs trump rules, Nature trumps Love, and men trump women that don’t know how to make their man successful at husbanding and fathering. Immature, aka adolescent-minded women, specialize at being trumped.
• Today, women measure a man’s love by female standards, and so he repeatedly falls short. If men were born for closeness, nurturing, intimacy, and continuous dialogue, they would have been born female. 
• Phony females light the fuse of marital dynamite. Not their natural selves before marriage, their true character emerges after the altar. She effectively becomes another woman. A man marries for the promise that she holds for him. He expects her promise to shine, but cancerous surprises metastasize.
• Relationships start with mutual attraction, infatuation, and lust. They fold into passion and love aka romantic love. Then, having worked out agreeable give and take focused primarily on each side giving, enduring love emerges. Mature women expect to pay a price for the latter. Immature women can’t see or plan beyond romantic love and favor taking over giving.
• Men dress for functionality. When time enables or occasion demands, it includes impressing women. Women dress to like themselves as they fit into and associate in the real world. Immature women impress men as time enables or occasion demands.
• Ironically, after capturing boyfriend or husband, the immature woman downgrades her daily appearance. She reduces her routine attractiveness, which reduces sexual attractiveness, which diverts  his eyes to others, which downgrades her sex appeal, which weakens his interest, which reduces his respect, which wilts his love.

859. Virtual Virginity #24

♫      Her romantic love pedestal crumbles when infatuation and lust fade a year or two after their first sex together. If she has not earned his enduring love by then, he shifts into temporary mode and starts looking around. The most fertile ground to earn his enduring love exists before they first have sex, and virtual virginity provides the greatest advantages. Provided, that is, she takes enough time for his thoughts about, habits with, and respect for her to change. Men are willing to change in order to conquer but not after.

♫      Conquest is more meaningful, when a man is challenged and then scores and out-competes other guys. This makes her sexual inexperience highly symbolic and significant to him.

♫      Men seek virgins, because they know they have beaten out other men. Her highly valued virgin beauty signifies that many others tried and failed. Men want dearly to be first among male competitors, and this makes virtual virginity the absolute next best thing for females.

♫      Permanent reconciliation does not likely follow having sex with one’s ex. If she wants to re-wed him, make it sex-free until he proves himself worthy of her and marries her again. If she does not withhold herself, she has no room to maneuver and change their relationship away from what it was when they failed the first time. Virtual virginity can alter their new relationship toward the altar and keep it under her control until then.

818. Quips from Mrs. Guy #6

Dear Ladies,

Women could adopt many a motto for their gender. One of my favorites deserves mention by itself:

• Learn to give and you learn to live.

Until you experience joy from giving, you won’t fully enjoy the pleasure of living. It’s feminine nature in action. If you desire to be more feminine, find more ways to give of yourself.

Guy can explain the reasons it works so well. The following comes from him.

———————

Why and How It Works

Mrs. Guy cites the wonders of giving of yourself. Not gifting of objects but delivering unsolicited favors, words, and burden-lifting with two results: From your actions someone feels better about their self, and you are rewarded with pleasurable thoughts about yourself.

You give yourself to your children, and we call it unconditional love. But you love your husband conditionally. Giving of yourself pushes your love toward the unconditional and becomes a change agent to help turn romantic love into enduring love.

Actions program the subconscious mind. The more you give of yourself, the more you’ll give of yourself. The pleasurable thoughts you receive program your own mind to motivate you to do more of the same.

Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, but husband knows he deserve you. So, giving of yourself is something he ‘earned’. You’re always welcome to do it, but don’t expect that he’ll reciprocate until he ages into or beyond middle age.

Giving of one’s self is not inherent in the male nature. However, a wife that does it for years eventually finds that husband gets more like her. It’s the self-fulfilling prophecy effect: We become like those with whom we associate.

Mothers, especially those without husbands, often misplay it. They have so much love to give their children that they fall into indulgent love. They pamper and protect kids beyond what they need, and it stunts childhood development.

Their nature energizes females to extend themselves on behalf of others. The male nature does not. When women set the example by giving of themselves, men eventually catch on to the joy of giving—not all, but many do.

792. Love Revisited

• Women expect men to love and cherish them as females love others, but it’s another natural inequity.
• When demonstrating their love, men are very different from women. This chromosomal XX ≠ XY frustrates women into expecting a balance that never comes.
• If her man demonstrates his love as females show love, she loses respect for him.
• For a woman love and sex tend to merge. For a man love and sex tend to remain disconnected.
• Based on infatuation and lust, romantic love fades after a year or two. Enduring love can replace it, if courtship laid the foundation around his devotion of her rather than just his ‘commitment to them’ (more tomorrow at #793).
• A man’s enduring love is based on his unconditional respect for women generally and conditional respect of one woman specifically. It emanates from his appreciation of female attributes and her virtuous character, self-respect, and likeability as a mate.
• A woman’s enduring love is structured around her need for a brighter future for her and kids. It emanates from her emotional dependencies with her own life into which some responsible man enters.
• Enduring love being founded on deep respect, too much familiarity too soon and too fast short-circuits his respect for her. Full disclosure, touchy-feely, and easy sex are culprits.

479. Keepers for Keepers — Assortment 16

Dear Daughter: Have you heard?

♦       Feminists begrudge the male ego, but the process devalues females more than it hurts men. [18]

♦       He perceives hardtoget as strong resistance to sexual conquest. This pushes him deeper into the role of seller and reinforces her for the buyer role. [7]

♦       The number one complaint of women is that their man doesn’t show enough affection. Showing affection is unnatural for males, so they must be taught. [18]

♦       Enduring love, if it’s to replace the romantic kind and not also fade away, requires her man’s respect that she earned early and continues to maintain. [7]

♦       Men are simple but direct. Women are complex but skilled for indirectness. There is very little room for her directness in the domains he calls his own. [8]

♦       Inspired by politics, Feminism, popularity of judging men harshly, and hopes of changing him, modern wives run a tab on husband’s inadequacies, weaknesses, and failures. He changes alright; it makes other women that much more attractive. [13]

♦       Highly emphasized modesty and two high and perky boobs blended with a non-sexual ‘in your face’ attitude delivered graciously can easily outweigh male dominance. [12]

438. Sex and the fickle girl — Part 21

♣ She may think it will work, but chasing a guy is unnatural. The male nature responds by taking advantage of her self-induced vulnerability. 

♣ She’s in charge. It’s more than a hiccup, if enduring love has not arisen and stabilized when the infatuation and lust of romantic love fades in a year or two.

♣ The soft-headed woman ignorantly thinks that removing the mystery and disclosing her sexual history makes a man appreciate her. Actually, it provides him ammunition for later squabbles.

♣ If she fails to add to his sense of importance and significance, she’s temporary.

♣ She steals a woman’s husband or boyfriend and expects that it will not happen to her.

♣ Females act desperate to have a boyfriend, compulsive to keep one, and dress sloppily to show independence. It all comes across as very unimpressive for much beyond sex. 

♣ Women change after marriage, but men don’t. He resists her attempts to change him and resents her changing from the woman he married. She resents both his resistance and resentment.

422. Chaste courtship works — Part 9

Delaying a man’s conquest and sustaining a chaste courtship serves females many ways. Girls experiment and learn; women implement and live with choices.

☼ She determines his worth to her. She focuses her attention on how he focuses his attention and trusts her feminine nature to weed out the trash.

☼ She captures his attention with attractiveness, but holds him with chastity. This enables a sharpening of common sense about his potential.

☼ Until they yield or unless they fail, women dominate relationships before conquest. Men move cautiously, even ease off their dominance, in order to avoid a no-score.

☼ Modern women discard advantages in favor of fun, games, popularity, or to have a boyfriend. They earn less respect, even though a man’s enduring love builds on respect—especially for the virtues modern females so eagerly throw away.

☼ Men drop unyielding women. They fear no score after investing their selves, which translates as insignificance. However, it’s not her, as women quickly conclude. It’s his adolescent mind in adult body—a poor candidate for marriage anyway.

☼ She can earn devotion beyond commitment, become more easily cherished, teach him habits for pleasing her, merge his interests with hers, and negotiate who rules in the various domains of marriage.

☼ She has time and opportunity to figure out what rewards she should provide for his husbanding and fathering if they marry.

☼ Her unyielding and unapologetic chastity forces attitude adjustments on him. This renders his unappealing traits and dominant character more acceptable. Else, his worth to her fades away.

Thus, she prepares herself to live with his character, energies, and dominance by melting their respective natures into a successful relationship.