767. Beware Red Flags — Part 3

Her Highness Sara prompted this series asking about identifying Mr. Right. I twisted her question so that we look for identifying Mr. Wrong before a woman goes too far.

A man’s potential for husbanding/fathering can be estimated by objectively and unemotionally evaluating red flags before your eyes. This post cites red flags regarding in-laws. Some flags are raised by marriage whether invited or not.

·        Beware if your candidate’s character, religion, and ambitions were formed significantly different from your parents. If he’s from ‘another world’ or culture, think twice, thrice, or more. (Young couples are very unqualified for evaluating in-law interactions many years in the future. Romantic love may also delay recognizing early problems, but a couple’s life suffers greatly when she finds she later has to take sides.) 

·        The thought of him as son-in-law revolts your parents. Beware if one or both can’t stand him personally. (Don’t think for a moment you can reverse their opinions; they’ll always look for the worst in him. They also will forever suspect your judgments for having brought him permanently into their lives. Anecdotes always cite exceptions, but the odds are small.)

Other red flags are raised as the result of your curiosity and questioning:

·        Have him describe his parents. After meeting them, do you agree?

·        Can you love and do more than just get along with his parents after you’ve spent some time with them? Your intentions don’t count. Especially regarding his mother?

·        He will likely treat you much the same as his father treats his mother. Observe closely. Okay with you?

·        Is his mother overly protective of him? Does she tamper with his intentions or question his decisions? Beware if yes.

·        Has he fully cut mom’s apron strings? Does he have to consult her before making decisions? Double beware if yes.

·        Does his mother show a deep and intrusive interest in HOW you will build your nest, his castle, your relationship? (Don’t expect him to tell her to back off, early or later. Better for you to do it before marriage, and let her reaction raise or lower the red flag.)

·        If he’s not close to his family, he probably doesn’t highly value family connectedness and closeness. It will likely carry over into the family you build with him. Okay with you?

More tips tomorrow.

765. Beware Red Flags — Part 1

Her Highness Sara at 756 said: “…do you have any tips on how to know if a guy is the right one or not?” No, I don’t. So, I’ll lead off with the big picture today and tomorrow. Then tips will follow that help identify Mr. Wrong.

First, I believe women err trying to find Mr. Right or declaring someone as the ‘right one’. Identify a Mr. Good Enough and test, evaluate, and build from there.

Men are only candidates with potential for husbanding and fathering, until each woman sees years later that she made the right choice. Calling any man the right one weakens her ability to think, reason, and evaluate him for helping fulfill her hopes and dreams after romantic love fades.

Second, love doesn’t hold a couple together, because romantic love ultimately fades after the first year or two. Eternal love and marital glue comes from mutual respect, personal closeness, likeability, and enjoy-ability. But little things eat away at the glue.

Life’s inevitable irritants, frustrations, and personal attacks eat away at marital glue and stability. The groundwork to minimize these negatives should be laid earlier, and pre-conquest provides the greatest opportunity. Consequently, as the relationship expert, most of the burden lies with her.

Men have little interest in preventing future squabbles, especially with a female. They don’t think that way. Their nature focuses on the present, and they can always dominate or manhandle a woman if necessary. Not saying that it’s right, fair, equal, or justified, it’s just Nature. (Feminists tried to change the male nature and failed. Our foremothers mastered the art of harnessing the male nature, and they made patriarchy work for women and children.)

Third, relationships have stages that women need to master in their minds so they don’t run off at the heart. That’s tomorrow.

753. The Majesty of Sex — IV

This post continues with the splendor and dignity of merging mutual rewards into a successful marriage.

I can’t repeat this often enough: Sex does not bond men. However, investing himself bonds a man. Rewards earned keep him invested, because rewards encourage more of the same behavior. Excuses and denials discourage sexual episodes but not the male sex drive.

Pre-marital sex for a couple takes the crown off her marital majesty. It suggests others may have known her, implies she may be bribing him, and reduces reward-ability if they do marry. None may be fatal, but each weakens her holding power for a lifelong marriage.

For sex with her to be a reward, he has to invest himself. A small investment for sex with her may be somewhat rewarding, but does it make him want to live with her forever? A man’s devotion springs from actions, such as investing himself in something—hobby, woman, job? The greater his investment of himself, the greater is his reward.

Husbanding and fathering require rewards to keep a man loyal and dedicated. Rewards imply more to come, which keeps his attentions on the one providing rewards. Sex is not truly a reward unless conquest has been worked for, and subsequent events are encouraged and not reluctantly given.

In the end, the investment of his independence comes from withholding her ultimate asset until he makes the ultimate commitment of marrying her. It sounds so simple, but few relationship accommodations are more difficult.

The majesty, the splendor and dignity of sex? It rises with lifelong devotion and dedication to one another. It feeds off romantic intimacy, if the proper foundation was laid earlier.

578. Sex: Reward or Incentive?

About choices: Women don’t use their sexual assets very well. Why? God empowers them to do so, each woman has free will to choose, but do wives know husbands well enough?   

About wives: The female nature continually seeks a brighter future. This usually requires that one man help a woman fulfill her hopes and dreams. Men don’t eagerly devote and continue doing such things without compensation for husbanding and fathering. It calls for both incentives and rewards, but women have trouble with the difference. Wives often think sex provides compensation enough, but female thinking easily subverts it.

About husbands: Being competitive producers, providers, protectors, and problem solvers by nature, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. They appreciate the results of effort and achievement and new challenges.

• Without being shown respect and appreciation by one woman, men act out their resentments in pursuit of their own interests. They don’t care that much about female opinions, interests, hopes, or dreams unless one woman above all others keeps herself interesting and worthwhile.
• Rewards satisfy, but incentives challenge. Rewards imply yesterday, but incentives imply today. Being present oriented, men favor challenges far above thank yous.  

About differences:  Men are more strongly motivated with many incentives and a few intermittent rewards than with plenty of rewards. Women are the opposite; they value rewards over incentives. Consequently, wives play the incentive and reward cards wrongly, if at all, and it weakens compensation for husband.

About marriage: A couple’s minds, both conscious and subconscious, are divided about sex.

• Wife thinks of providing sex as rewarding him, and for which he is expected to show gratitude. When he doesn’t, she’s unhappy. She can’t be grateful either, because her ‘reward model’ doesn’t work. Making this simple but poor choice haunts her into making other mistakes.
• Husband thinks of frequent and convenient sex as his reward for having married. He’s long since shown his gratitude for it, which means he’s not likely to show much now.
• Incentivize is a better model for her. Her presence, attractiveness, and willingness make her a daily invitation for sex aka incentive aka challenge. He’s satisfied, because he’s grateful that she reliably confirms marital commitment as he understood it. He can cherish the challenge that she continually presents to his presence.  
• His reward for giving up his independence is long past and virtually forgotten. To the male mind, married sex means marital duty, which makes gratitude okay but not essential. Hence, whatever gratefulness for sex he shows will likely never be enough for wife.
• Her presence is an invitation for sex, and her willingness confirms the original reward of marriage.

Husbands and wives sense their sexual sides quite differently. He sees a land of plenty, and she sees a gratitude famine. When wife compensates mate for husbanding and fathering, let her think of incentives rather than rewards, present rather than past, and inviting rather than careless appearance. His male-limited supply of gratitude normally crystallizes around her availability and cooperative willingness for sex rather than sex per se.

Caution: Don’t take the above as more than a description of how their respective minds work and interact. I neither condemn nor advise. Readers can do that.  

423. Sex and fickle girl — Part 18

♥ Women tolerate men or things that embarrass them, disturb their sense of privacy or person, or call for them to act as guys do. Persistently avoiding and preventing such things generates female uniqueness, standards, and expectations that appear as virtue and respect to male eyes.

♥ Differences between a man’s words and actions disclose his hidden agenda regarding her—provided she has patience and braininess to detect differences.

♥ Deliberate delay of conquest forces males to suppress aggressiveness, weaken their dominant spirit, and please a woman habitually—unless they’re after sex instead of her.

♥ Male bashing in emails, koffeeklatches, and entertainment media imply or accuse men of domestic irresponsibility. The self-fulfilling prophecy works, and modern women face men they don’t care much about—promise-breaking boyfriends, lackluster husbands, irresponsible fathers, someone else’s ex, violent spouses.  

♥ Spiritual bonding ties a couple; it inspires both to live up to something higher than themselves. Sexual bonding affects only the female, and inspires neither to live up to something higher.

♥ Modern wives reject castle-building for their man. They enshrine themselves with him as prince consort to her as sovereign queen. Only wusses, feminized men, and political correctioneers stay long with such women.

♥ Modern women refuse to reward their man for husbanding and fathering—as men expect it. Inadequate seeding produces a poor harvest.

422. Chaste courtship works — Part 9

Delaying a man’s conquest and sustaining a chaste courtship serves females many ways. Girls experiment and learn; women implement and live with choices.

☼ She determines his worth to her. She focuses her attention on how he focuses his attention and trusts her feminine nature to weed out the trash.

☼ She captures his attention with attractiveness, but holds him with chastity. This enables a sharpening of common sense about his potential.

☼ Until they yield or unless they fail, women dominate relationships before conquest. Men move cautiously, even ease off their dominance, in order to avoid a no-score.

☼ Modern women discard advantages in favor of fun, games, popularity, or to have a boyfriend. They earn less respect, even though a man’s enduring love builds on respect—especially for the virtues modern females so eagerly throw away.

☼ Men drop unyielding women. They fear no score after investing their selves, which translates as insignificance. However, it’s not her, as women quickly conclude. It’s his adolescent mind in adult body—a poor candidate for marriage anyway.

☼ She can earn devotion beyond commitment, become more easily cherished, teach him habits for pleasing her, merge his interests with hers, and negotiate who rules in the various domains of marriage.

☼ She has time and opportunity to figure out what rewards she should provide for his husbanding and fathering if they marry.

☼ Her unyielding and unapologetic chastity forces attitude adjustments on him. This renders his unappealing traits and dominant character more acceptable. Else, his worth to her fades away.

Thus, she prepares herself to live with his character, energies, and dominance by melting their respective natures into a successful relationship.

419. KEEPERS FOR KEEPERS — Assortment 09

Dear Daughter: Another review worth a review.

♥ Women kiss a frog. He turns into her prince. They marry. Then, she neuters him. Then she can’t stand him. [9]

♥ Women don’t make a man prove himself worthy of her. When words are enough to conquer, men offer little else. [18]

♥ Women are not ignorant of men, but what they know is often wrong. [5]

♥ Think your man can’t get any worse? I once heard a guy introduce his wife to another man this way in the presence of three male friends: “This is my ugly wife, (her name).” [17]

♥ The time spent brushing hair in the mirror is productive. Researchers say it doesn’t improve hair, but the female nature energizes her to make the most of what she’s got, and so she easily comes up with new ideas for better grooming and appearance. [11]

♥ Soft-headedness and cheap sex breed many bad female decisions. [9]

♥ Romance to a woman means displays of affection that confirm and reconfirm her value to a man and his sincerity and devotion to her. [8]

♥ Of course it’s not fair, but men have little interest partnering with only one woman—unless women sell it and reward both husbanding and fathering. [7]

♥ Modern men deal with females as sex consumables, because females cheapen sex by providing it without obligation for marriage. [15]

♥ Men receive distinct sexual messages from every woman, and it starts with boob display. [12]

343. Ties that bind, or not! — Their wants

Self-interest motivates everyone to do what they do. Newlywed bonding comes from blending individual self-interests into mutual-interest.

 

She wants help when she needs it in a world she can’t control to her satisfaction. She chose him as help-mate. It’s up to her to make their partnership work. The less she depends on him, the more he moves toward his wants.

 

He wants independence. He traded some—but not nearly all—for the promise of greater significance with her. He expects her to respect his significant self and appreciate his good husbanding and fathering.

 

Tradeoffs lead to cooperation. Compared to him, she’s the relationship expert. This enables her to make it all work.