1234. Cross-stressing — Part I

Think of cross-stressing as having two responsibilities that conflict and you can’t make up your mind. After you decide one way, you have doubts. Cross-stressing makes it difficult to live with yourself. We all need ‘decision-helpers’ to ease such internal strains. A family rank structure provides such a ‘helper’ for women.

A couple creates a family and adds a child. Beneath their personal beliefs, emotions, promises, and vows, each member ‘inherits’ a primary mission dictated by their male or female nature.

• Husband produces, provides, protects, and problem solves in the interest of home and family.
• Wife dominates the home, maintains the marital relationship, keeps husband on track to help fulfill her hopes and dreams, and hopes to keep husband devoted to her for life. (This summarizes her primal urges described at 702, 703, 704.)
• Mother integrates and maintains family relationships. She nurtures and dominates the children with hopes of keeping them devoted to her for life.
• Father supports and enforces mother’s teaching of obedience to the child. (If he helps directly with child care, he’s motivated by something other than his nature.)
• Children must pay attention to right, wrong, and obedience. (Without direct parental input, they also learn to duplicate parental behaviors.)

Those naturally induced primary missions separate married adults into four roles that compete even within individuals. Ergo, cross-stressing continues tomorrow with conflicts that arise.

1065. Big Breasts Revisited

My writing sometimes lacks clarity, and Her Highness Kristine questioned me at #1004:

“Just out of curiosity, why do you say women with big breasts are ‘blessed’, but then say that women shouldn’t get implants?”

I said this: Such women should exploit what they have until they consider themselves blessed by their own measure. A woman’s blessings flow from men investing themselves in her and her hopes and dreams, right? So, her blessings start with the unique attitude and pride of ownership that defies access other than after extensive manly investment in her.

Breasts are useful for fun, eroticism, and babies. The less she pursues fun and eroticism and the tougher to access her breasts, the more predictable and probably tougher to help along her way of life will be the man that finally succeeds. Lengthy competition before marriage gains his respect. Strong-minded conquerors don’t fully appreciate the women behind easy conquests, and breast access sure makes conquest easier.

The very same applies for small-breasted women to feel blessed. It’s not the size, but the unique attitude and attractiveness she displays to make men invest themselves in her.

As to implants, cosmetic surgery may improve self-image somewhat, but it fails to improve one’s self-esteem. Also, Her Highness Kathy beat me to it with her last paragraph commenting on #1004:

“It has been said that ‘happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.’ This is still true, even when it comes to breast size. If you’re not happy within yourself as you are, then having your breasts augmented won’t make you happy either. You may be happy for a short time, but happiness comes from within, not what you look like on the outside. Before too long, the thrill of having what you thought you wanted will fade, and you will be just as unhappy as before.”

Kristine also asked, “How is reading [that big breasts are blessings] supposed to make women with small breasts feel better about themselves?” It’s not. All women have to make themselves feel better, but keep this in mind: Big breasts fascinate adolescents, but the fascination dissipates if not disappears if and as men mature. Consequently, big-breasted women more easily attract adolescent-minded men, whereas small-breasted women more easily attract mature men aka the most permanent husbands.

1019. Sex Differences Do Matter #09

1. Infatuation and romantic love make women want to romance their man and inspire him to do likewise. Romance to men means sex at best or preliminaries to foreplay at least.
2. In a relationship, she focuses on the emotional; he focuses on the practical.
3. Women release emotional trauma through talk. Men don’t; being fixers, talking doesn’t fix much for men.
4. Women think about his qualities and how they can be integrated with her hopes and dreams. Men think that ‘she’s mine’.
5. Men are attracted to movement; he’s a hunter. Women are attracted to appearance; she’s a nurturer.
6. Men are attracted to sex; he’s a conqueror. Women are attracted to character; she’s dependent on support as nurturer and help as homebuilder.
7. In older people, patriarchy fades and matriarchy flourishes. Hormones cause it, as the ratio of estrogen to testosterone falls in women and rises in men.
8. Women offer a lot to one man so he will help fulfill her hopes and dreams. Men expect to give up freedom for one woman, but can and will she make it worthwhile?  

 

 

979. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 22

• The hunter-conqueror male nature applies hormonal pressure to spread seed. Marriage relieves pressure but doesn’t kill the urge. The only urge-killer is devotion to someone so respected or some thing so feared that faithfulness conquers his conquering urge day after day after day.  
• Morality restrains men, and Tocqueville said: “Morals are the work of woman.” So, if women want better men, they should improve the moral character of the home, culture, and society.
• With so much unmarried sex cheaply available, why should men commit to helping a woman fulfill her lifetime hopes and dreams? Wives have to compensate for what their sisters are doing, but many don’t know how to make marriage more meaningful and rewarding for their man. (It’s a major premise behind WhatWomenNeverHear.
• Girls and unmarried women should guide themselves by these two principles: Negotiation is reasonable people finding common ground—e.g., dating, courtship, engagement. Bartering is trading something of great value to another for something of equal value the other possesses—e.g., marriage for conquest.  
• With frustration and distress urging her, wife often does the wrong thing. It’s her nest, so she accuses. It’s his castle, so he resents. She calls it necessary, he sees her infringing on his turf, and competition erupts with him dedicated to winning. More harmonious ways exist, but they require non-offending indirect imagination, patience, and toleration available only to females. 

978. Harmony Beats Relationship Management

Her Highness Samantha at #977 asked for more about this: “Only women manage relationships. Men can’t, won’t, or don’t.”

Allow me some license to clear the air. I purposely make what follows kind of outrageous to express sex differences in ways that women never hear. Please don’t take it as raw as it reads. Remember too, this blog focuses on human nature BEFORE love, religion, and other emotions impact and change a person to rely on more than their hormones. What follows might be called the hormone fundamentals.

Samantha also said: “I tend to want the man I love to be engaged equally….” Many women claim the same. However, they expect what they’ll not see, which leads to more relationship errors out of frustration. Equality is the females’ game and both a misleading and unachievable target. Men don’t engage equally as females expect it in their endless search to suppress male dominance.

Women can avoid disappointment and frustration. A much better target is this: Expect that she’ll be able to harmonize the relationship with the man that loves her. (In addition to her superior ability and the differences in their natures, it has much to do with how the subconscious mind operates on each person’s behalf. But that’s for another time.)

Samantha also asks, “Do men just not want to be bothered with it?” Yes, exactly, absolutely, that’s it. A relationship to a man is just that. Whether dating, courting, engaged, or married, if he’s not rising to meet her satisfaction, then separate. The more she pings on him that things aren’t right, the more he withdraws. He has her along for support and companionship, while he fulfills his primal drive to compete with men and shape human events and satisfy his primal need for a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prep for tomorrow’s battles. He wants freedom too. If his relationship is ‘painful’ or not working, why keep it?

She also has primal urges: She’s driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. She needs a brighter future. She wants a man to help her fulfill her hopes and dreams. Let her focus more on those things instead of his faults. When she does, harmonizing becomes much more effective than relationship management. (Who taught women to ‘manage’ the process of living with a man? What man will put up with being managed? Even the term turns men off. Use ‘harmonize’ instead, for example, and wives take on a far different, agreeable, and successful mindset.)

I’ve made the foregoing perhaps obnoxious to show that managing his relationship holds little or no interest. He depends on her to make everything come out well; it’s what she does best, so let her do it. He has other things to do.

Of course, it’s not fair. But it’s God’s design, Nature’s endowment, and hormonal energy implanted before the blessings of love, religion, and other helpful values arrive to smother the hard-heartedness out of the male nature.

938. Wives Taken for Granted

It happens naturally that wives are taken for granted. It’s the old xx≠xy chromosome thing again.

To understand the cause, we need to review these differences between the sexes: mission, responsibility, duty, and greatest fear.

• Men have many missions in life. Women have one mission: life.
• Men accept responsibility easily, if it furthers their agenda or current mission. Otherwise, they pick and choose according to preference balanced with urge for independence. Women accept responsibility easily in connection with their hopes and dreams.
• Duty to men means their obligation to fulfill whatever responsibility they accept as theirs. Women view duty and responsibility as synonymous.
• Men fear insignificance, especially in their woman’s eyes. Women fear abandonment.

Women expect to be appreciated and shown gratitude for who they are and what they do. However, men are different, partially, and it causes wives to be taken for granted.

Men also expect to be appreciated for who they are. However, when it comes to what they do, men see the world differently. If what they do is a duty or duty fulfillment, then they expect no thanks. Gratitude shown by wife comes across as an unearned gift, which men neither expect nor appreciate. Fulfilling his duty has its own reward (no doubt a feature that sustains his independent nature).

Fulfilling her duty, however, does not reward as well as with men. She’s less independent, so she needs more than self-gratitude all the time. It causes the ‘taken for granted’ gap, which in the normal course of family life the male nature fails to recognize.

Her problem develops this way: He judges her duty fulfillment by masculine standards. If he views it her duty to fix breakfast; haul the kids; make the bed; go to the bank; keep herself pretty looking; or whatever else, he treats her as if a man. He expects no thanks. Why should she?

Husband accepts and appreciates recognition for the roles he fills but not the specifics of what he does. Thanks for who he is confirm his self-gratitude for fulfilling his duty.

When wife praises his role as provider, protector, etc. rather than his duty, he translates it to significance. The more she promotes his significance, the less inclined he feels to depart.

The foregoing points to three lessons for wives:

1. Fully expect to be taken for granted until and unless husband learns otherwise and early courtship isn’t too early to start teaching.
2. Praise husband indirectly for fulfilling his duties by citing the bigger role he fills in family life. For example, he mows the lawn. Praise him for adding value to the home, improving neighborhood appearance, being needful (aka deserving) of a new mower, but don’t thank him for mowing.
3. The more attention wife pays to uplifting husband’s significance in her life, the more attention he will pay to her duties. It doesn’t mean she’ll receive more expressions of gratitude. But she’ll see him with a better attitude for having her with him (aka no incentive to leave her).

In the final analysis, wives should expect to be taken for granted. God designed, Nature endows, and hormones energize men to do it. But as shown above, wives can improve the situation one way or another.  

888. The Settle-down Review

Her Highness Denise at #887 asked about men reaching the point of wanting to “settle down.” She brought up a life event that both men and women experience.

Sometime around age 30 and somewhat older for men, both sexes go through some emotional questioning similar but less intense than the mid-life crisis of later years. Women reassess their past life, and seek to improve their future. Men assess their present life, and seek improvements for it. Denise’s term fits for both sexes, so I call it the Settle-down Review.

Women characterize it this way:

• They question their future and its ability to fulfill their hopes and dreams. They realize that the path they’re on will make the upcoming decade, for example, much like the last decade.
• To her surprise, the past suddenly swoops down as worse than she intended, and so adjustments are necessary for the next decade. Relationship faults and shortcomings jump out as needful of repair/replacement. The female urge kicks in to improve what’s not up to her expectations aka ‘broken’.
• She just can’t let her future appear no brighter than the past. This triggers new priorities, goals, behaviors, and attitude. They spur her to brighten her future and ‘settle down’ to better anticipate and prevent ups and downs before they arrive.

Men characterize the Settle-down Review quite differently. Singles, shack ups, and unhappily married men*  tend to question how the following fit their expectations more for present than future:

• Does his personal life support well enough his drive to compete against Nature, other men, and shape human events up to his expectations?
• Does his home life—or lack thereof—meet his expectations for a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s battles? Does he face harmony or endless turmoil?
• Does the frequency and convenience of his access to sex meet his expectations? Does it compensate for the freedom he gave up?
• Does his current relationship promote rather than demote his sense of significance? Does she appreciate and respect his role and ability to provide and protect? Or does she get in his face?
• Affirmative answers reassure men to plod onward and upward essentially without change. Negative answers push them toward change, toward something more directly beneficial to fix the present.
• Except for satisfactorily married men, other men usually answer at least one question in the negative. That’s enough to consider change. Many are thus prompted to think that remarriage or settling down will close the gap between what they have and seek.

It’s all another way that men and women are different. Many thanks to Denise; she prompted this exposure about self-review that mimics a mini-midlife crisis.

* Happily married men tend to bypass the Settle-down Review. Unlike wives sensitive to relationship ‘damage’, husbands don’t look at what’s not broken (admittedly by husband’s and not wife’s definition).

884. Coffee and Tea with Mrs. G. #04

Ladies: These thoughts help females triumph.

• The first sign of creeping airheadedness: She’s depressed or desperate and doesn’t look for, assess, and judge each man’s character for compatibility with her hopes and dreams.
• Advice for newlyweds: If not during courtship, then very early master the art of laughing at Self and each other without spite or malice. Mutual laughter that expresses enjoyment of each other bonds better in the long run than does sex.
• I stopped Guy saying this, but it’s so advisory for females that someone should: Tact is the Vaseline of social intercourse.
• If men don’t compete, they retreat. It can be shameful for wife, family, children, and other dependents.
• Success for females hinges largely on knowing when and when not to talk. Full disclosure and especially having the urge to cite all that’s wrong sours, spoils, or rots a relationship.
• We claim: Behind every man there’s a better woman, and a woman’s work is never done for that reason. Guy claims: Behind every man there’s a buttered-up woman, and a man’s work is never done doing it. (Our lives would be much better if men and women kidded and joked about each other good naturedly like this rather than maliciously as feminists taught many of us.) 

More follows next week.