As they’ve done over the past half-century, females continue to join the man’s game. They make unmarried sex more popular, cheap, and easy. The lure of easy conquests makes men devote themselves to sex more than to one woman. Husbands hit on unconquered women as adventure, habit, or both.
If a ‘hittee’ responds with sex, the hitter’s conscience depends on his morals and devotion to wife, and he salves his conscience accordingly. If he gets negative results, just his ego is stirred. Intention does not make him unfaithful; men think that way contrary to female-think. If he does feel unfaithful after failing, his conscience guides him in another direction, which can have the accidental effect of making him feel good about indirectly honoring his wife and gaining self-admiration from it.
You ladies can help men re-domesticate themselves into better husbands. The secret lies in responding to hits by a married man in a way that stifles his libido by igniting his conscience.
WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. I feel good coaching ladies to improve their lives with men. You take hits as compliments until you see a wedding ring. You may have a standard response that makes you feel good, such as a cutting remark that proclaims your abhorrence, sends him away, and gains a little revenge for the sisterhood. A stinging rebuke usually turns him away from you, but it does nothing to encourage faithfulness to his wife. That’s okay too, but it doesn’t make a better person of either you or him, and that’s where I hope to take this post.
(Women make people better or they don’t get that way. Society is what we all do and men dominate it. Culture is why we all do what we do, and women dominate it. Why we do something comes before what we do, which means: As women go, so goes society.)
Your reaction to a married hitter should start with NOT looking down on him as if cheaters are the lowest form of life. (Cheaters are used to it and pay no attention.) Instead, ignite his conscience to the disrespect that he exhibits for females. Leave him with questions that only he can answer or with challenges that uncover his character as lacking integrity. In essence, by hitting on you, he reveals that getting sex is more important than guarding his integrity. When reminded and given time to think about it, the male nature guides men to preserve their integrity rather than destroy it with immediate gratification. When it’s their idea to choose, mature men opt for integrity. When they hit on you, your objective is to send them away thinking it’s their idea to listen to their conscience when next they face the options of conquering a fresh target or preserving their integrity.
I suggest that you search the following list of possible replies, pick your favorite thought or combination, rephrase it to meet your personality, and practice it out loud before a mirror such that it rolls smoothly off your tongue immediately after a married man hits on you. (Make no exceptions about using it regardless of how good looking a hitter may be. When you make exceptions, you make yourself vulnerable. He perceives your weakness and is encouraged to continue assertively, which further weakens your defenses even after you’ve spotted his ring.)
Women are eager to show anger and put down men that are inclined to cheat. Such men may deserve it, but they’ve learned throughout life to recover from female anger and criticism. Don’t find fault or lay on guilt. Enable him to do that to himself. Try to open his heart for self-appraisal about faithfulness and conscience. Ask questions instead of preaching. These potential replies are designed to show how to think the next time somebody’s husband hits on you.
- If God is against it, how can I be for it? Does that ring the bell in your (hitter’s) conscience? (Imply or follow up with something like this: If you wish to continue this chat, I’ll talk only about you, me and God. Shall we proceed? [Principle: You live up to someone higher than you; why shouldn’t the hitter do it? Devotion to God makes it easier to devote oneself exclusively to the right person.]
- I deal with sex only through mutual devotion. How much devotion to your wife do you plan on shifting to me? What features of your character are likely to inspire any devotion out of me? [Principle: Loyalty depends on devotion, which depends on character, which depends on integrity. God strengthens devotion by teaching each of us to become a better person.]
- Is your integrity important to you? Important to your wife? Doesn’t sex with another woman destroy your integrity? No? Well it does to most people who make themselves mature by escaping adolescence. [Principle: A cheater’s sexual activity equates to loss of integrity. Adolescents haven’t fully learned the blessings of fidelity.]
- What about me makes you think I could or would betray a sister female? You hope to sell me on one idea, but you hide it. You disrespect your wife and think that I should enable your disloyalty. How would your loss of loyalty and my lack of self-respect make us better people or earn the admiration of God? [Principle: Unmarried sexual activity doesn’t, but control of one’s lust does make better people.]
- You may claim to love your wife, but do you respect her as a person? I may respect her more than you. I can’t betray both my self-respect and a sister female by sleeping with her husband. Do you see cheating as betraying your mate? Or betraying your self-respect? [Principle: Cheating betrays one's mate.]
- Have you considered this? Men are never more handsome than when they mate with one woman for life. But some men manage to lose it. [Principle: It’s a compliment not really earned.]
- If you don’t respect your wife when with me, why should I disrespect a sister female by associating with you? [Principle: Respect is the most fundamental characteristic of successful human relations, and unmarried sex tarnishes mutual respect.]
- My daddy taught me this. If a man doesn’t respect his wife enough to be faithful, he won’t respect me at all. Daddy never lied. [Principle: Childhood teachings last for life. Mutual respect prevents mistreatment of others.]
- Making out on the fly is lovemaking on the sly, which I can do without . . . so goodbye. [Principle: Throw smoke around your departure (What did she say?) by stimulating his curiosity to interpret the full meaning of that couplet. It also ignites imagination, reinforces memory, and reminds of conscience.]
If the hitter can’t be discouraged and you can’t depart the scene, this may shut him up: “I can tell you where to find some strange, free, and safe sex. If he bites, tell him to try his other hand.”
I suggest you develop your own phrasing to make married men think about their conscience and integrity. Choose and use the thoughts above to combine your response into something easy to recall and use without embarrassing yourself. Rely on the principles for guidance.
NOTE: I dedicate this post to Tina M., a dear friend adopted into Grace’s and my Texas family of superstars. She inspired this article.