1742. Hope, Respect, and Trust — Part I

Emerson said “The world turns on hope.” Without it, a person’s energy is stifled and they sit down to do nothing or worse, perhaps with drugs. Hope motivates individuals and each has his own version. However, personal ability to influence others is required to mutualize hope between individuals, such as in a couple or family.

The world of influencing others turns on respect, which generates trust in return, which reinforces the initial respect, which reinforces the initial trust, and which continues to compound until their respective hopes find mutuality and compatibility. Respect sends the message, “I hold you in high regard.” Trust sends the message, “I’m grateful for associating with you.” Mutual interests are thus enabled to join as the person influenced shapes his self-interest to match more closely that of the influencer.

If the respect of the influencer is missing or lost, it takes some inducement, threat, or force to complete the process of influencing others.

Most people know how to show respect for and to others. But I’ve uncovered a way by which moms, dads, and other leaders screw up their good intentions. It follows tomorrow.

678. Respect Revisited — I

Ladies, watch this one closely: Relationships revolve around respect, and she’s in charge. She initiates and he responds. She has to show her respect and also earn his.

♦       Men don’t respect females as they respect men or as women hope to be respected.

♦       Men may take a liking to a woman on first encounter, but they don’t respect her automatically as she expects. He may acquiesce to her wishes, but it equates more to duty and hope than respect.

♦       Women have a huge advantage over men. As a respect-earner, nothing either gender has or does works better than females withholding unmarried sex.

♦       The longer she holds off for sex, the greater the respect she earns. The closer to virginity she appears, the more respectable she is to conqueror, serious suitor, and discouraged player.

♦       A man loves a woman, but she sees few signs that she’s respected. To his competitive nature, showing respect directly weakens his presentation of Self. He reacts more to his nature than to her expectations. It’s also why men must be taught to be gentlemanly, and why high quality females aka ladies must set the example.

510. Virtual Virginity #22

Uncommitted single women float around in the social atmosphere ill prepared to succeed dealing with men:

¸ Some want a man so badly, they’ll do anything. They use sex as attraction and have no other game plan. They hook up with hope, only to later hear each guy’s “Nope.”

¸ Others want a man, but they’re uncertain, cautious, and either have no values and standards or don’t live by those they do have. Their game plan has holes in it. Men pounce on each weakness. The holes kill holding power and make easier his escape to the next trophy.

¸ Still others elevate their masculine-style sexual freedom above having one man. They have the wrong game plan, if they expect to hold a man for very long.

The same answer helps all three groups. Virtual virginity doesn’t foolproof the game, but it focuses a couple on themselves instead of sex and the future rather than the present. Both prospects interest a man, and that’s holding power.

489. DATING 4: Asking for First Date II

We return to the workings of the male mind, as it considers asking for first date.

Impressions are stronger than facts, because we’re emotional creatures. Mystery about her sexual proclivities works best to attract his asking for first date.

©     Men admire chastity in a woman, but they don’t hit on nuns. Why? Respect, of course, and lack of hope. As Emerson claims: The world turns on hope.

©     If hopeful of sex and he’s not playing it vague and unavailable, he normally asks for a date. If she declares, avows, or everyone knows that she’s into no sex without marriage, she eliminates hope and might as well be in nun’s habit. Why ask for date unless he already seeks to marry on her terms?

©     Mystery surrounding her chasteness is stronger and more a challenge than is the certainty or absence of it. A sprinkling of suspicion about her standards does far more to capture a man’s curiosity and spark his imagination for conquest, hence make him more likely to ask her out.

©     Mystery pays. Smiles without reason, friendliness without eagerness, and preliminary conversation without sex overtones pays off. Familiarity reduces mystery and works against her. Sex lures and objectification, for example, reduce risk for him. It also reduces respect and value for her.

©     Females fish with full disclosure, as if males appreciate it as women do. This gives a male time and info to reduce his risk of rejection. First date may result, but less risk means weaker investment of his Self, which means less value and respect for her, which weakens prospects for second date.

Summarizing, chasteness earns a man’s respect and admiration, but his knowledge of its certainty can discourage asking for first date.

283. Female dominance: Gone! —Part 9

          Our foremothers courted as the buyer, married, and became the seller. Modern women court as the seller, marry, and become the buyer. The former married permanently, the latter marries temporarily.

Our foremothers knew the price and paid for their man up front. They withheld sex and qualifed his potential for Mr. Right. Then they married and she rewarded him for husbanding and fathering. This helped him grow into Mr. Right.

Modern women reverse it. They act as discount sellers to capture and marry. Then they act as buyer and expect husband to keep elevating his value at the discounted rewards wife’s willing to give—especially reduced gratitude and cheap respect.

Consequently, modern women rely on hope, because they don’t or can’t qualify a man’s potential for either Mr. Right or lifetime dedication to her.

Women give up their abilities. They provide sex in exchange for faux devotion, that is verbal commitment. Modern women then pay the full price when they lose their man or dump him as inadequate.

[More on the shattering of female dominance appears at posts 252, 237, 222, 209, 194, 173, 159, and 151.]

229. Sex and the fickle girl—Part 10

♀ Women can access sexual relations at whatever speed, frequency, and convenience they desire. Men can’t. So who wins when women adopt masculine-style sexual freedom? Who loses as enabled men flit blossom-to-blossom?

♀ If she can’t risk being dumped to slow his inevitable conquest, she’s highly vulnerable to being dumped later.

♀ Modern women rely on sex, hope, and loving affection to bond their future with a man. But short relationships show it doesn’t work very well.

♀ Women don’t just want men to bond. They want a husband as bond servant to help with housekeeping, child care, constant togetherness.

♀ Women dress their young daughters like hookers and allow adolescent girls to dress likewise—even in church. Pastors stew in near silence. The Marrying Man looks for someone else. Respectable fathers shake their head in exasperation.

♀ Women are not hunters by nature. Yet, some abandon the female persona, hunt with erotic attire, and offer sex with little obligation. When they fail to enjoy life as men do, ennui and depression set in.

♀ Women expect to kiss a frog into prince hood. Men expect their woman to elevate them from prince to king. Modern women fail to provide this second ‘promotion’.

 

[More about sex and fickle females appears in posts 216, 201, 184, 170, 160, 148, 137, 93, and 34. Scroll down or search by the number followed by a dot and space.]

201. Sex and the fickle girl — Part 08

♀ If she doesn’t dominate the courtship agenda, she won’t have much power in any other arrangement—except separation.

♀ “We are mutually co-dependent,” she imagines. Women think or hope that men are like females in their thinking, habits, and urge to constantly be together—wrong!

♀ If she does not like herself and love being a female, she will not appreciate any man for very long—except the older, father figure.

♀ If she stands for nothing but the fashionable, she will fall for what’s new—including another man.

♀ If women don’t condemn what embarrasses them, they undermine their self-respect and miss opportunities to gain the respect of men for female modesty.

♀ Marriage boils down to this: She chose him. As the relationship expert, she’s responsible to qualify him and place value on whatever he’s selling. Then, as the buyer, she makes whatever adjustments are necessary to live with what she ‘purchased’.

♀ Modern women use sex, hope, and loving affection to bond their future with a man. But short relationships show it does not work very well.

♀ Instead of making men prove they are worthy of her as the buyer and him as the seller, modern women reverse those roles in order to have a boyfriend.

 

139. Politically incorrect: The essence of family

Our Judeo-Christian culture over several centuries has taught this: Three separate and distinct roles provide the greatest insurance for family success. He’s the head, and she’s both neck and heart.

The head is the ultimate authority, responsible for the toughest decisions, and accountable for failures. Ill-equipped to manage family relationships directly, he contributes best when he’s focused on outside influences, opportunities, efforts, and what he does best: producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving.

The neck keeps the head turned and focused on whatever does or will brighten the family’s future. The neck points the head at desirable outcomes that  please the heart and everyone else including the head. While the head governs the present, the neck governs the long run and shapes the future.

The heart overcomes the harshness of daily life, energizes the head, molds family spirit, and shapes character of infants and toddlers. The heart lathers family members with love, joy, gratefulness, and, most importantly, hope. It also keeps the neck (herself) inspired to keep the head on track.

The head can perform neck but not heart functions and still render the wisest and most beneficial decisions. Too much emotional involvement and conflict exists for him to excel.

If she doesn’t crown him as family king, she inherits the head role also. Many women reject on feminist principle the crowning of their former prince as king. They usurp his role, and then find themselves dumped and unable to do what a good man can do.

One final obligation: The kids between toddlerhood and puberty will be absorbing their values from heroes. Either head, neck, or heart or all three should apply and qualify themselves for the job. Otherwise, kids will learn to imitate outsiders and anticipate doing the same from teen peers a few years hence.

Single moms: Oh, what it might have been?

AGM note: Thanks to Nia Vardalos for the head-turned-by-neck analogy. It’s from her flick, My Big Fat Greek Wedding.