Tag Archives: husband

2082. Marriage Isn’t the Wonder, Breakup Is


Her Highness Shanna at post 2026 pondered. “All these matters about the nature of men and women…it’s a wonder anyone gets married at all!!!”

Well, the wonder is that people don’t do better at marriage. Consider the grander features they inherit at birth that are self-serving both individually and collectively. Everyone is born with the necessary personal features, traits, talents, and skills to live compatibly with a mate. We’re made for permanent mating; it’s virtually in our blood. Marriage provides insurance. Why else would the advanced civilizations through several millennia have found permanent pairing as the best domestic arrangement? Just a few confirming points.

  1. Women have to earn happiness by finding gratitude in themselves, others, and things. A woman’s mission in life is to live a good life made important by providing children for whom she can be grateful. How do mothers provide the necessary provisioning and protecting without the help of a useful and handy man? How do they gain the necessary insurance against abandonment without convincing men to vow themselves into permanent mating? And not just marriage for one but for almost all women. That’s what serves the female gender to the fullest. Too many single women means too much unobligated sex to lure men from faithful permanence.
  2. Men do whatever women require for men to have frequent and convenient access to sex. If most women require marriage in exchange for their providing such easy access, then men marry to satisfy their natural urge.
  3. Men are motivated to pursue self-admiration. Consequently, they combine it with their sex drive and pursue women under whatever conditions women require. A man’s natural drive for efficiency urges him to arrange for frequent and convenient access. So men are vulnerable to indirect female leadership by example, which means that men learn to monogamously follow monogamous women. It returns us back to the point above that women want a useful and handy man and physical faithfulness to him is essential to keep him loyal and dependable.
  4. Men are born to be satisfied. It’s the equivalent of females born to be happy. However, men find satisfaction in daily pursuits. Far more easily than women, they find and can enjoy a pleasant life, which opens their heart and attitude to being pleased by a woman who shows promise for supporting, encouraging, and partnering with a man’s endeavors.
  5. In the natural course of events, the dominant male sex continually faces off against the superior female sex. The immovable object of males resists the direct but yields to the indirect irresistible force of females. Women maintain peace in the process by convincing men that husbanding and fathering are both admirable and rewarded.

So, I disagree with Shanna. It’s more a wonder that marriages do not survive very long. It’s in the interest of both sexes, and yet they can’t get along well enough. It’s a pity but common today. Basically, both sexes abandon the strengths embedded in their own natures and copy that of the other, which makes them weaker rather than stronger as individuals.

 

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2080. The Battle over House Work — Part III: How She Wins


This is a dynamite cocktail that should cause a big noise. Women find more and better ingredients for earning happiness when they do daily housework without involving their mate. I may never prove it to you but the following proves it to me (and I never thought it possible until first draft of this series.)

Recall from part I: She’s born to be happy; he’s born to be satisfied. She’s motivated to improve her self-importance and needs confirmation from others to spread her gratefulness and thus earn—not receive or find—happiness. He’s motivated to seek self-admiration and basically needs little confirmation to find satisfaction.

Recall from part II: When she thinks like a man and rewards herself for satisfaction, it pits her against him. They compete. She becomes jealous of his beating her because satisfaction is not the governor of the female heart and he so easily trumps her in that realm. When she pursues happiness instead of satisfaction as her daily goal, they become more compatible.

——

He’s simple and not much concerned with happiness. If he’s satisfied with himself, he’s relatively happy. His pursuits stop with satisfaction. Since a satisfied need no longer motivates, he reaches for something else at the end of an accomplishment or workday. His duty day ends long before bedtime.

Being more processor than producer by nature, her satisfaction comes from the little things she achieves. Example: Love never ends but kisses do. Shopping never ends but the last trip did. Nesting never ends but housekeeping ends at bedtime. Relationship management never ends except when sleep comes. Each little thing satisfies her—kisses, packages, dishes washed, she pleases someone.

She’s quite opposite and far more complex. Satisfaction is but a stepping stone rather than an achievement. However, it feeds gratefulness to herself for herself. Grateful that she’s capable and motivated to nest to her satisfaction and appreciation of hubby. Moreover, self-gratitude happens to be the entry toll for the highway to happiness.

Satisfaction from the dozens of little things each day make her grateful for herself. She can and did do those things, which adds to her sense of self-importance, which adds to her sense of self-gratitude, which enables her to be grateful for others and things, which places her on the endless highway to happiness.

What’s the nature of the relationship management beast that’s born when wife determines that husband should help with housekeeping?

  • She thinks in terms of equality, which is never achievable and she won’t like it when he makes nesting decisions that override hers.
  • She feels less important because he won’t agree or stir from his dominant convictions.
  • She takes on the role of competitor with assertiveness and eventually aggressiveness.
  • She blames him for her tiredness but he has no connection with that and doesn’t feel guilty.
  • She imposes guilt, which men reject or dispose of quickly from a competitor.
  • She becomes jealous of his inactivity, comfort, or diversions. Other things about him become wrong or intolerable. Tiny red flags creep into her psyche.
  • She envies his complacency about household things. Mistaking complacency for disinterest, anxiety mounts and she starts losing interest in keeping house and dedication to him.
  • She squelches her spirit of joy. It dissipates behind new expectations of not losing whatever arguments she has started.
  • She sets lose the beast of declining mutual respect, wherein she’s the biggest loser because his love is based on respect but hers is not.

So, what are the benefits when she takes full responsibility for housework and leaves him to his satisfying R&R? The benefits don’t accrue until she teaches herself to maximize her natural qualities designed to generate compatibility out of sex differences.

By not becoming jealous, envious, or anxious about hubby’s recovery habits, she enables herself to stay in tune with the positive side of her nature. Her worry can shift to future goals and not be entangled with his lounging, careless or carefree attitude. Her attitude can become more affirming of those around her. She can become more grateful for herself because of the peace and harmony she’s able to cultivate. Her spirit of joy can soar, which releases her to manage relationships from the highest possible position in life.

In short, she’s better able to put the full force of her nature into the nesting process—both relationship management and housekeeping. The former with feelings and the latter with labor. But the labor is not labor as commonly thought of. Repetition frees up her multitasking mind to address and solve issues, plan her immediate future, and simultaneously breathe a calming spirit into her home as things happen while she cleans.

She rules best who does the rest. It’s the pleasantness of mom’s nesting habits that kids carry into adulthood as her most endearing quality. The greatest love of mom—especially by men—arises out her strength of character and willingness to insist that everyone obey her rules within a never-in-doubt delivery of respect, trust, and affection. Contrary to what girls love to think, love does not cure all, and especially not cure men of habits misplaced in time and place.

By not taking offense at husband’s R&R habits, she enables herself to exemplify the goodness of woman. It frees her to more easily cultivate hubby to help when she needs it. For example:

  • She feels no guilt to ask him to help on tasks for which she has too little aptitude or strength. She can more easily detect tension and know how to convince him with gentleness and charm, which adds to her unique value within him.
  • She can pleasantly expect and patiently await his learning that certain things are his responsibility. When he accepts something as his duty, she has won from him also the sense that she’s worth it. Examples: 1) Men, not ladies, haul the trash. 2) Her duty is to clear and clean the floor. His duty is to deal with—other than back on the floor—whatever she picks up and places on his side of the bed or in his favorite chair but never spitefully. 3) If her commandment is a place for everything and everything in its place, and she lives by that code, then the family is easily taught that mom’s word is law and everyone falls in line. Husband included. It’s a technique right out of an imagined dominance handbook.
  • Free to dominate nesting routines, she can pleasantly expect that he live up to her standards. Examples: Make it habitual to lower both lid and seat when finished in the bathroom; light a candle before leaving a stinky bathroom; help clean up after she supports entertaining his associates.

I surprised myself with this article. I fell for the pop culture spirit that expands male dominance. It previously seemed fair to harangue hubby for dodging housework.

Now I object based on the strength, patience, and other qualities embedded in each female at birth. Girlhood hopes and dreams boil down to this as the predominant objective. A happy life with a loveable and loving husband, loveable and loving children, and sailing together into the sunset of their lives in total harmony.

Of course such dreams require a lot of work. Not strange to me, but women have every quality to make it work in a two-step process. First, they find and develop ways to be grateful for themselves each and every day. Second, they find and develop the habit to respect, trust, show affection, and show gratefulness to those around them. If others don’t deserve that out of her, she isn’t following her heart but her propagandized conscious mind.

 

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2079. The Battle over House Work — Part II: What They Do


Recap of part I: She’s born to be happy; he’s born to be satisfied. She’s motivated to improve her self-importance and needs confirmation from others to spread her gratefulness and thus earn—not receive or find—happiness. He’s motivated to seek self-admiration and basically needs little confirmation in order to be fully satisfied.

Each subconsciously pursues those objectives but with this distinction. Confirmation by her man that she is important is essential for her happiness. But his woman is not necessary for his satisfaction. Furthermore, she has to earn happiness 24/7 whereas he earns satisfaction every day through his decisions and accomplishments. Her pursuit is continuous, and his comes in daily spurts. At the end of his self-defined workday, he finds satisfaction with himself. Only nearing bedtime does she get a happy sense of gratefulness that she’s done all that she could or expected of herself and even that provides too little satisfaction.

Their primal needs intrude too. He needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare to fight tomorrow’s dragons. A satisfied need no longer motivates. At the end of his workday, he’s motivated by something else. His primal need kicks in for well-deserved rest and relaxation. His work day is done. (No alibi, just an inborn trait turned into deep-rooted habit before a mate comes along. Who but a man figures out so many variations of R&R?)

She, on the other hand, needs a brighter future. The foundation for it arises out of her primal drive to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. Nesting is home keeping of which housekeeping and everyday relationship management are parts.

Thus, a man’s work comes in daily spurts. A woman’s work ends when she feels she has done all she can at the time and place.

Her days turn sour when she thinks in masculine terms of satisfaction instead of feminine terms of gratefulness for who she is and what she has. IOW, she hates her days and herself when she adopts the male objective of stopping for less than essential-for-health R&R. Two reasons: 1) She’s satisfied with little achievements and not big ones. So, stopping when she’s satisfied dissatisfies her in the long run. She has too much to do. 2) Acting outside her nature angers her and she takes it out on her mate. She blames him for not relieving her workload, when, in fact, doing housework allows her to multitask and simultaneously resolve issues in her mind and plan for the future. IOW, by keeping her body active doing simple/redundant tasks, it frees her mind to concentrate on more important things. Example: What she expects to gain or how she will handle specific issues over the next few hours/day/weeks/months/years. It’s the reverse of worry, which comes mostly when her body is inactive.

Modern women have been politicized to expect equality in all things. Instead, God intended or Nature produced fairness as the rule for marital compatibility. Seeking equality in social and domestic arenas causes internal conflict in females and resistance in males. It’s their nature to respond that way.

The primal motivation of women is to improve their sense of self-importance. They feel more important when their mate more directly helps with house work. When he avoids it, her sense of importance declines. Her gratitude for him also declines. The inequality spurs her to blame him for her dissatisfaction and unhappiness. So, when she thinks they should share equally, she makes motivating him to help her more important than making herself grateful for him, her, and theirs. She blames and lathers guilt with a wet mop.

Her blame disturbs his primary motivation, the need for self-admiration. While he doesn’t need admiration from outside himself, blame energizes him to fight back in order not to lose it. His fighting back of course dims her future, diminishes her reasons to be grateful, and weakens her sense of importance. It makes harder her fight to prevent loss of female dignity.

When she thinks like a man and seeks satisfaction, it pits her against him. They compete. She becomes jealous of his beating her because satisfaction is not the governor of the female heart and he so easily trumps her in satisfaction. When she chases happiness instead of satisfaction as her daily goal, they become compatible.

In modern days, compatibility shrinks in large measure because women expect men to share housework duties. More coming in post 2080 but you won’t like the truth of it.

 

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2075. Liked or Respected, Which is Best?


Dealing with men or their man, there are two kinds of women. Some seek to be liked and others to be respected. The former learn to live with continuous dislike of themselves; they look back continuously. The latter work to earn respect and behave as if they are respected; they don’t have to look back.

The difference determines how men perceive them by subliminally reading their attitudes. Men believe in and rely on their perceptions, especially what they see. A person’s attitude is the most obvious expression of what resides in their hearts and it’s virtually visible to the subconscious mind of men—though not as good as women read it.

Wanting to be liked works directly against a woman’s best interest. She misses out on being respected, which is the foundation of man’s love. Her attitude reveals a sense of inadequacy, which reveals lack of self-respect, which makes her unable to respect men as they expect it, and which discourages a man’s respect of her. Her begging for attention makes her annoying. Her sense of near or complete desperation scares men away; she’s unpredictable to male eyes.

Seeking to be liked also prompts women to explain themselves, which arises from their sense of inadequacy. They also complain too easily, which is prompted by feeling treated less than they deserve, which is prompted by the need for confirmation of their self-importance. When they don’t get the reactions they expect, both their self-image and self-worth plummet, which prompts more complaining and explaining.

The other kind of woman works independently to her own advantage. She seeks to be respected as a person, woman, mother, and her other roles and in that order. As a person she doesn’t look down on others. As a woman she holds her head high and stands up for herself to men. As a mother she insists that father defer to her as prime leader of her children. As a housewife she determines how and by whom housework will be done. As an employee she determines the value of her work effort relative to her responsibilities at home. And on and on through her other roles.

She latches onto and replenishes her spirit with inborn strengths, such as female modesty, feminine vanity, mirror-enhanced prettiness, monogamous spirit, relative meekness, submissive spirit, and extra respect for those that earn it. All used to get her way in matters dealing with her moral, ethical, and religious standards and expectations for the others around her. She will not win all the battles, but it’s the standing up for herself that wins the wars with each guy including husband.

The respectable woman is a proactive member of the superior sex and can capitalize on it as long as she doesn’t claim that as her inheritance. IOW, as long as men don’t hear it from her mouth.

The self-fulfilling prophecy works in both cases. The harder one woman tries to be liked, the more her self-like declines. She gets feedback opposite to that she longs for. The more the other woman works to sustain or improve her respectability, the more affirming feedback she gets from all men and especially her own.

 

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2074. Compatibility Axioms #481-490


All that follows below is based on the natures of men and women as they are born. Women have to figure out what’s best for them given the lessons they have learned in life and the relationships they enter.

481. Easy sex might promote shack up and even short marriage within the mind of her boyfriend. But, it won’t stir up the foundational respect needed for enduring love that survives the inevitable fading of romantic love. [171]

482. Girls cheapen themselves to attract a boyfriend, and success builds habit. Men don’t value cheap women except for sex, which forces such girls as women to bounce from one man to another. [171]

483. Men have access to too much easy sex to endure one female’s nagging and attempts to change him or his life. As one man said of his ex: “Somewhere, someplace, some guy is tired of her s_ _ _!” [171]

484. Promiscuity fends off men, not for her as temporary sex partner but as keeper. Encountering her past lovers threaten him after conquest but doesn’t discourage him before.  [171]

485. To prove their newfound sexual freedom, women abandon the greatest strategy for attracting, capturing, and keeping a man. That is, no sex without devotion and deep obligation developed and proven over an extended courtship (especially including fellatio). [171]

486. When she chases a man for his looks, she wants to impress him and be liked. However, he receives the message that she’s available and disposable. [172]

487. Go after the hunk and dislike what follows the bunk. After she beds the hottie, she’s as disposable as a nottie. Hunks learn early that they get what they want without giving of themselves. So, they keep getting and getting, which calls for someone else. [172]

488. A husband views his wife’s ‘constructive criticism’ this way: “I know it’s good for me. I just can’t stand so much goodness.” [172]

489. If he does not see that she needs him, he will become temporary. Her expressions of affection make her feel good, but they do not show her need for him as do her respect, gratitude, and dependence. [172]

490. Men don’t respect desperate people. A desperate woman is not a keeper and is dumpable without much remorse. [172]

 

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2070. Female Blessings at Birth — 73-75


It seems never to end, this list of blessings that women receive at birth. This is the 25th installment. How can they not be grateful for themselves? Yet so many are.

I’m grateful for your responses. Especially those that signify your agreement or disagreement, T or F.

73. I am grateful that I instinctively resist skepticism. (It’s just an excuse to do little or nothing. It seems to justify escape from responsibility and I don’t like that.) [Guy adds: Ever see a 3-4 toddler girl be least bit skeptical? It just isn’t in her nature, but life does teach it sometimes.]

74. I am grateful to be endowed with the ability to handle anxiety without losing my composure and self-respect. (Lessons learned have made it much easier so that anxiety nowadays causes less guilt and lack of necessary action.) [Guy adds: Lessons learned make other women the exact opposite. Victory goes to those that claim success the most enthusiastically and loudly to self.]

75. I am grateful that my girlhood dreams taught me to expect this. However hard to live with it, my husband expects to remain married to the woman he courted. I never dreamed I would be any different than when we married, except for aging of course. (I recognize now; when and as I change from that fascinating woman, I lose some of his respect and influence with him.) [Guy adds: It’s seldom recognized verbally because it operates at the subconscious level. Other things are more easily blamed for loss of respect and influence.]

Example for your response: “75-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired, especially if you take exception to anything.

 

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2058. Submissive #12 — Submissive Ends Submission


The last installment in this series starts here. My hope is that it equal or exceed the clarity and quality of the 11 others.

39. Men unsure of themselves and unwilling to let it be known arbitrarily expect submission in their woman. Relationship experts, also known as mature women, know better than to get involved with such men in the first place. [Guy adds: Of course, to some women usually endowed with less maturity, it makes a guy more attractive. She perceives that he needs to change and she’s just the gal to do it.]

40. More than the actuality, how submissiveness appears to both husband and other men is a major issue. Admittedly, it is an ego thing. [Guy adds: She may find it more peaceful to present herself submissive to husband one way and differently in front of other men. The object being to protect husband’s self-image before others.]

41. Just like men on the job, women expect to have their way in domains that advance their self-interest agenda, especially in their home, marital relationship, and mothering. Success depends largely on generating at least the appearance that he rules the roost. [Guy adds: If she expects to rule the rooster, she specializes in getting up before the rooster crows—actually and not just figuratively. He learns to depend on his woman when she prepares his day ahead of him. His dependence and her importance slips when she follows him out of bed in the morning. (I speak about their natures and not today’s practices. I also see the need to once again explain what appears to be alibiing for men.]

42. By not getting in his face, she keeps him open for negotiating and accepting her influence. She knows that his guilt about his own mistakes impresses him much more than if she cites them to his face or in front of others such as the kids. Staying out of his face is the essence of capitalizing on her submissive spirit. [Guy adds: Her peaceful and accepting demeanor in the face of his mistakes makes him doubly regretful and uncomfortable. It’s discomfort that mostly inspires men to change.]

43. Submission aside, over the years the wife/mother ultimately wields the greatest family influence. In the final analysis, she is much better equipped to anticipate competing decisions and negotiate or disguise with cooperation what is really happening in home and family. [Guy adds: It’s the product of an expert relationship expert doing her expert best.]

A woman’s submissive spirit is equally or more influential than a man’s expectation of submission. That is, however, if she fully develops the God-given talent inherent in her submissive spirit. And thus this series ends.

 

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