Tag Archives: husband

2040. Single Women Don’t Pay — I


Her Highness That Horse is Dead inquired at post 1661. “Would it say something about a man’s strength of character or motives if he did allow a woman to pay [when the bill arrives]?”

Yes, it would. Perhaps only questionable but it’s a pole on which a red flag may later fly. My reasoning works like this.

  • Not his words but his actions program his heart. When he doesn’t do things that he figures he should, his mind uncovers avenues of how to escape other obligations or responsibilities. The more he talks her into paying, the worse for her as the action programs his heart with the possibility that he can take advantage of her.
  • Her greatest need is for a brighter future, which means his role should have these features: 1) She can depend on him, which requires that he show himself to be reliably responsible. 2) His sense of duty is only as strong as his integrity and devotion to her. 3) Her best insurance for the future rests upon his integrity, his insistence on doing the right things and doing them correctly—with emphasis on doing rather than saying. 4) The right things are those that prove that he’s worthy of her and capable of helping and willing to promote her hopes and dreams—not just his.
  • Whether she pays part or all of a bill, it’s the same. It violates her interest and enhances his. She may be pleased and financially more able to be of help or show her appreciation. However, by doing so she teaches how easy she is to dominate or play against her best interest. She indirectly hints that she may be weak or a pushover and he can get his way on other things. Thus, she plants the seed of future discord by not establishing her standard, by not displaying her expectation that she’s worthy of special care if he hopes to win her heart, and by not holding him to account for his words of interest or affection. His actions cure her doubt. Her expectation that he pay cures some curiosity about her strength of character, which earns his respect.
  • Each crack in his integrity before marriage inevitably widens afterwards. If he’s willing to let her relieve him of a duty, a responsibility, she can’t depend on him to do the right thing in her future. What is the right thing? He has to prove himself worthy of her. When she volunteers to pay without emergency reason, she follows her mind instead of her heart, lowers her standard, and lessens the possibility that he will prove himself worthy of her expectation for their future.
  • She can easily infer that if her guy is generally weak on duties and responsibilities—eagerness to pay on dates is but one example, it easily translates to less than ideal integrity, which doesn’t bode well for her future.

When he continues to pay in dating and courtship, that and his other actions compound in his heart and he becomes more favorable to, for, and about her. He starts doing things to please himself that he’s pleasing her. Out of that, his devotion grows. Smart women insist on seeing devotion instead of giving all in exchange for a guy’s words of commitment.

Consequently, except in an emergency, let his ability and willingness to do the paying determine where, when, how, and why they do whatever they do together. If she can’t live with the results, she invites difficulty living with him as husband.

It should make no difference that she has greater income than he. As the relationship expert, she can find ways to use her extra money to brighten their marital future, if and when it arrives. But that’s another story.

 

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2037. Porn and Men — Part IV: Her Recovery


Her Highness Anon at 1375 asked how to tell if husband is preoccupied with work or porn when his attention to her wanes. I aim this article at all women.

I focus on the possibility of it being porn. Caught once, a man has already developed a similar defense in case he’s caught again; it worked for him the last time. So, unless he’s surprised out of his wits, he’s not likely to change his behavior permanently.

He was caught doing it before, should you ask about it this time?

If it’s your idea that he give up porn, it’s not likely that he will do it with a committed spirit. It didn’t work the first time. So why even ask? It’s merely an invitation for him to find more devious ways to keep it hidden.

If forgoing porn is his idea because something else is more important, he might give it up, might break an addictive habit. That means you have to make yourself more important in his life than however important you are today. So, how do you do that?

There’s really only one way and you may not like the final result. So, you have to first make a choice. Which is more critical to your interest and well-being? 1) His presence even if he watches porn; you can adjust in order to protect the marriage. 2) It’s either porn or you. You’re unable to tolerate his porn viewing whether habit or addiction.*

Let’s take 1) first. You are already doing whatever it takes, so just continue as before.

If you choose 2), it’s another matter that should start here.

  • Don’t blame the “other woman,” that is, don’t even mention porn. It’s irrelevant to you. If he’s doing it, it’s his business. So, neither complain nor explain anything about it. Keep it off the table should any negotiation develop later. His inadequate actions where you are concerned is the problem.
  • Claim this problem, lay plans to take action, and let him know. You are not loved sufficiently; you need someone who can be and is more attentive, affectionate, intimate, and dependable in all those things. Thus, you intend to withdraw from the marriage. Shock works wonders.
  • Don’t explain much more. It’s your conclusion supported by the facts that he can recognize as easily as you. The more you explain or complain, the more ammunition you give him to argue the opposite. With more ammo, he can alibi, change the subject, and otherwise charm or promise you into submission. Which enables him to win with just a temporary change of porn habits in order to convince you of his sincerity. That is insufficient to prompt a permanent dropping of either porn habit or addiction.
  • As you proceed with plans for the breakup, it should soon become obvious if you are more important than before and hopefully more than his habit or addiction. If it looks like you are the more important, give him room and encouragement to show it as you expect it. But drag out the breakup plans. Enable his more attentive and affectionate behavior more time to develop into good habits; remember that his actions program his heart. He will have realized that porn is breaking up his marriage to—hopefully—the most important person in his life.
  • One needs three months or more to permanently change an unwanted habit. Your plans will probably turn porn into his unwanted habit so have patience and understanding while he undergoes self-weaning from it. Apply gentle pressure to get more attention, affection, and intimacy and indirectly praise and reward him for showing it.
  • Should he bring up porn as culprit, habit, or addiction, in addition to all that above, make other sleeping arrangements and stop all sex. Porn is cheating on you, so he can have his ‘other woman’.
  • Throughout this process and as if you’re preparing for the next man in your life, make yourself more attractive daily. Cultivate the practice of early morning mirror time as described in several articles with mirror in the title. Stimulate his sexual imagination especially if you stop sexual relations. Try to look and act more like the gal he married.
  • If it becomes obvious that you are not the most important, the plans for breakup have been made and can be carried out. Peace and harmony will not reign in your home until you as wife are the most important figure in his eyes. Men need frequent reminding and some need it more often.

Throughout all of the above, the deeper your belief and more determined your intention, the more respect and importance you will recapture from him. He may not make it sound that way in order to rebut your positions, but it will happen if there’s any love left in his heart. The easiest way for you to lose is to lose your self-confidence that what you are doing is the right thing to do.

Contrary to the way you may interpret that above, I don’t recommend busting up a marriage over porn. Using it as a threat, however, may well induce husbands to abandon a detrimental habit and regain the ambition of preserving their marriage. Whether it works or not leaves the wife with two options. Whichever is best for her as wife and perhaps mother of children, work it out or dump him.

——

* You can bring his porn watching out in the open, argue and fight defending each other’s position, and manage the turmoil that will certainly follow. Before long every shortcoming will be blamed on his porn watching or your reaction to it. Suspicion brings out the worst side of people, and it may or may not lead ultimately to breakup.

 

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2015. Female Blessings at Birth — 19-21


It’s the seventh group and I’m grateful for whatever feedback you send.

I continue taking the (currently 85) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination.

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or something you learned during life.

Where “Guy adds,” I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge my assumptions.

19. I’m grateful that I have the ultimate ‘out’. I can seek God’s forgiveness to relieve my self-blame and guilt. It’s up to me to believe—first in God, second in His intention—that I’m forgiven and free to forget an incident or fault. [Guy adds: Born soft-hearted and taught to be tender-hearted, excess guilt hardens the female heart. Forgiveness relieves such guilt except when she lacks belief in God or faith in His forgiveness. Or, she refuses such forgiveness as undeserved, which just explains shortage of belief, faith, or both.]
20. I’m grateful to realize that morality and religion are essential and I can use them to brighten my future. Both serve us women in the process of civilizing boys, taming men, and domesticating husbands. [Guy adds: Men lack the natural interest that women have for morality and female-friendly religion. However, in order to live up to the expectations of mothers and mates, men adopt and use both. As women go so goes society; as morality and Western religions are promoted and popularized, so goes female-friendliness.]
21. I’m grateful to be in charge of my home. I accept responsibility for both a civil and well-disciplined household. Husband participates and backs me up when I need greater authority, which is almost never necessary as long as I do my best. (And anyway, when he’s invited to help, he goes too far or takes over.) [Guy adds: Husband provides the head and wife the heart of the home. The attitudes of family members flow out of the family heart and reflect her effectiveness. Blaming husband for dissatisfaction invites him to direct her efforts.]

Example for responses: “21-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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2014. Fathering: New Thoughts on It


  • The essence of mother-love is unconditional respect for the child. The essence of father-love is conditional respect based on a mix of four ingredients. 1) The actions he takes to fulfill his sense of duty for raising his offspring. Feelings follow actions and so actions program his heart. 2) The respect the child earns in the father’s eyes. Men don’t respect without reason. Boys don’t either, but before puberty they learn to copy their mother’s respect for others. 3) Fathers respect for the mother is sufficient that he doesn’t want to disappoint her or let her think him incapable or insignificant.
  • Fathers enforce mom’s teaching of obedience but they lack unconditional respect for the child; their respect revolves naturally around kids doing what mom or dad expects. When involved to impose discipline on children, men are more energized to appreciate and preserve their own self-respect than respect the culprit they face. Consequently, a natural gap exists between a woman’s urge to unconditionally respect a child and a man’s expectation that respect be earned. Mom more easily than dad earns a child’s respect. As with men, a boy’s love is founded on respect for the love object. So, son loves father proportional to his respect for dad, which emanates from dad’s trust for son.
  • From toddlerhood to adulthood, children learn to respect others according to the trust they are shown as self-developers. (Boys try it independently and learn by mistakes but girls seek guidance to avoid mistakes.) To the extent they are trusted as self-developers, kids view themselves respected as a person, a boy or girl, and as a member of the family in that order. Later in life, boys self-develop as fathers, which requires they shift roles and give trust to earn the respect of children. (Demanding respect before trusting kids torpedoes the long-range interest of fathers; kids learn not to trust dad.)
  • Consequently, the road of true father-love loops from endless trust for child’s self-development to ever-growing respect for father. Around and around it loops and gathers emotional momentum. But the loop needs an on-ramp. Since a man’s love builds on a foundation of respect, fathers enter the fray awkwardly. They must trust the child first if they are to be respected. (It reminds of this: Wife must first trust husband, if she expects to be respected with emotional faithfulness. Mutual love grows out of trust and respect continually uplifted with both parties adding energy with new initiatives.)
  • Greater trust of child generates greater respect for father, which encourages father to serve better as near-nurturer to the toddler, leader of the prepubescent, and coach to the teen.

 

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2012. Female Blessings at Birth — 13-15


Fifth group and I thank you for offering your opinions.

I take the (currently 84) default attitudes for a test drive, to purify them with deeper analysis by more people. I request readers either confirm or deny each numbered item below with or without comment. To make it easier, I’m only posting three at a time.

Just reply to this article and identify each item by its number and indicate true/false. Accept each default as true to begin with. I will rewrite or delete as results of your analyses justify it.

True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or is something you learned during life. If you learned an item during your life, try as best you can to determine if you actually learned it or just confirmed what already existed in your heart. [If learned or foreign to you, label the item False.]

13. I find solace knowing that I must show respect and gratitude for my husband above all others (and realize when I slow or stop that he will tend to wander). [Editor says: That expression of her nature has roots in her superior skill of adaptability, spirit of cooperation, and sense of importance serving someone else.]
14. I am capable more of giving that taking and am especially grateful for each opportunity to prove myself to myself. [Editor says: Her giving is rooted in her tender-heartedness and the gratefulness in her sense of importance.]
15. I am capable of finding new ways every day to show and encourage my husband that he is respected for who he is and what he does. [Editor says: That conviction arises out of a woman’s determination to brighten her future by constantly striving to improve it or at least keep it from dimming. Thus, she invests in her future by keep her man satisfied that he’s doing right by her.]

Example for responses: “14-T (comments if given)” works okay to reflect your opinion of true to that one item.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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2011. Female Blessings at Birth — 10-12


Fourth group and I thank you for offering your opinions.

I take the (currently 84) default attitudes for a test drive, to purify them with deeper analysis by more people. I request readers either confirm or deny each numbered item below with or without comment. To make it easier, I’m only posting three at a time.

Just reply to this article and identify each item by its number and indicate true/false. Accept each default as true to begin with. I will rewrite or delete as results of your analyses justify it.

True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or something you learned during life. If you learned an item during your life, try as best you can to determine if you actually learned it or just confirmed what already existed in your heart. [If learned or foreign to you, label the item False.]

10. I can convert the worth I see in others into value for my life and vice versa. [Editor says: She’s born to be adaptable, and mutual worth that is mutually appreciated breeds cooperation and confirms compatibility. Women, as the relationship experts, drive the compatibility bus.]
11. I depend on my husband by doing for him rather than expecting him to do for me. [Editor says: It enlarges her sense of self-importance to do for him, and he interprets it as respect and gratitude that he deserves. Reversed, ‘him doing for her’ all the time translates as his appreciation for her. Being appreciated is temporary to her and has little influence over events that add to her importance and shape her thinking about everything else. Consequently, she becomes much more influential when ‘she does for him’ rather than the reverse. She’s born to do it that way, the intuitive way.]
12. I don’t depend on my boyfriend. He does for me rather than me doing for him. [Editor says: It calls for the opposite reasoning of #11 above. His actions ‘doing for her’ program his heart toward devotion for her. Without actions to please himself for pleasing her, his heart doesn’t reprogram, his devotion doesn’t develop. Furthermore, conquest slows or stops his actions to please her to the same extent, because her yielding sex their first time together tells him that’s all he has to do. He now ‘owns’ their sex agenda so all is well in his world.]

Example for responses: “10-T (comments if given)” works okay to reflect your opinion of true to that one item.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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2007. Female Blessings at Birth — 01-03


I hope to take the default attitudes for a test drive, to purify them with more analysis by more people. I request that readers either confirm or deny each item below with or without comment. To make it easier, I’m only posting three at a time.

Just reply to this article and identify each item by its number and indicate true/false. Accept each default as true to begin with. I will rewrite or delete as results of your analyses justify it.

True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or something you learned during life. If you learned an item during your life, try as best you can to determine if you actually learned it or just confirmed what already existed in your heart. [If learned or foreign to you, label the item False.]

  1. I am a great kisser and can be a good lay with proper respect, attention, and intimacy. [Editor: It assumes that females are created to participate successfully in the process of living compatibly with a man.]
  2. I am fearful of a very few things, most of which have to do with safety and health. I acknowledge that fear can paralyze, and so I work continuously to avoid unnecessary fear. [Editor: It assumes that most female fears are learned during life. Women are born almost fearless except for their bodies and survivability.]
  3. My spirit soars when I encourage rather than demand that husband fulfill his family responsibility. [Editor: It assumes that the universal soaring of the encouragement spirit in girlhood hopes and dreams indicates that it’s inborn.]

Example for responses: “1-T (comments if given)” works okay to reflect your opinion of true to item 1.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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