800. Gender Differences Revisited — Group Q

1. Women see flattery as opportunity and take advantage to make themselves feel good. Men don’t.

2. When they demonstrate love, men are different than women. (This aspect of chromosomal XX ≠ XY disappoints women for life.)

3. When wife is the main breadwinner, husband’s significance fades. (He may be gracious and act that way, but he misses filling that role and longs for something or someone to compensate his sense of importance.)

4. When husband outshines wife in her areas of responsibility, his self-image expands proportional to her gratitude (which often fades and he often misses it). More importantly, when wife outdoes her husband in manly domains, she poisons his sense of significance.

5. Women multi-task and multi-converse, because their processing nature enables it. Men dislike and usually avoid both, because their producing nature make multi-thinking inefficient.

6. Women cohabit because they are desperate to capture or live with a man, or they seek economic advantage. Men cohabit, because she’s unworthy of marriage, he wants to keep his options open, he seeks frequent and convenient sex at low cost, it’s a cheap and friendly arrangement, or all of the above.

7. Women can turn an inadequate man into an adequate mate and vice versa. Men can turn adequate wives inadequate but not the reverse.

8. Women assess people more by character than occupation. Men lean toward the opposite.

778. The Blessings of Patriarchy — Chapter 7

REWARDS

The previous six chapters show patriarchy natural for females to exploit, and matriarchy has no chance of replacing it. Consequently, women are ‘forced’ to try harder than men up until they ‘convert’ one man to devote himself to marriage, husbanding, and fathering. After that, husbands have to devote harder to provide and protect, while wives devote to holding the relationship together. (It sounds severe, because we’re viewing married life beneath the positive surface and bonding attributes of love.)

God designed and Nature rewards the female. She’s compensated for male dominance and the relative imbalances just cited with an endowment of relationship expertise. Females know who, what, when, where, why, and how to successfully deal with males or a man. It’s their longest and strongest suit, if they play their hand not perfectly but just well.

To pay for the gift of their dominant spirit, God designed and Nature makes males susceptible to capture by sexual relations, by the females’ unique ability to reward males. Capture is one thing, and men don’t mind. Holding one is another, because men do mind suppressing their hunter-conqueror spirit.

·        Men expect continual rewards for swapping their independence for family responsibility. Convenient sex is but a frequent reminder. Other female attributes such as femininity, likeability, and attractiveness seal the deal for holding a man through a lasting marriage. Compared to other women and leaving sex out of the equation, husband perceives wife as extraordinary. It makes yielding his independence worthwhile.

·        Women hopeful of keeping their man reward with male-friendly incentives and avoid most of what incentivizes females. For example, wife makes herself attractive at all times and avoids sloppy appearances and careless grooming before her man. (She saw the need for it in courtship, so why drop it in marriage, why show that she tricked him?) When she puts her laziness before pleasing his eyes, she desensitizes husband to her importance for him.

·        Over and above what they may earn themselves, women want some measure of wealth provided and protected by a help-mate in order to fulfill their hopes and dreams. Only a man can provide it reliably, and husbands do it best.

·        Their relationship expertise tells women to focus on what they have, and what a man can do for them. And focus not on what they lack and particular men can’t or won’t do for them.  

Brightening the females’ future relies on creating and accumulating new economic wealth. Men are naturally endowed to create it, and women are naturally endowed to take advantage of it. Not by gold-diggers in the traditional sense, but thar’s much gold to be mined in them patriarchal hills by women that appreciate the male gender for all it can do and respect it for just being different.

And thus this series ends.

776. The Blessings of Patriarchy — Chapter 5

This continues yesterday’s list about women depending on, using, and exploiting men in society and around the house. It’s not a How To list. It’s intended to deepen understanding of the female nature when balancing self-interest with that of a man.

In addition to the pointers in yesterday’s post #775:

·        She fascinates her man with indirectness and feminine charm in order to overcome masculine or husbandly resistance to her way of valuing things. Success breeds more success, so she focuses on what works for her rather than his shortcomings.

·        She exploits femininity to the fullest. She knows that it adds pleasure to her man’s life, even though he always takes it and often her for granted. (About being taken for granted, also see The Invisible Woman video at post # 764.)

·        When tinkering in or around her man’s masculine domain, she treads lightly and inoffensively so as to stir no competition between them. For example, cleanliness of his hobby-space or workshop is none of her business. She fosters improvement by making him feel good about himself, and he makes improvements to please him more than her.

·        She knows about and practices the art of self-fulfilling prophecy rather than disclosing her husband’s faults. He lives up better to her expectations, when he lives under her approvals, endorsements, and supportive spirit. (Admittedly, the process works indirectly and slowly; patience serves her.)

·        She leads by example to improve the character of those around her. She exemplifies living up to something bigger than herself and overcomes obstacles with gracious self-confidence. Others want to emulate her optimism and sense of well-being. (It’s not so much her nature to be this way; women learn they can thus bring out the best side of others, which brightens their world and especially the home.)  

·        She’s no limp rag to a man’s domineering inclination. She vigorously defends her self-respect and does it fearlessly the first time a man challenges it.

·        Value to wife comes more from what she earns than what’s she’s given. She needs to be given things. But they are symbols and not the essence of wifely happiness, which comes from eagerly and sincerely serving her family.

·        She knows she can’t win every battle, and especially those that husband latches onto with tightened jaws.

·        Finally, she knows that if he gives in to her demands too much, she will lose respect for him. So, she draws a line in her own behavior to avoid going too far.

When she manipulates, she works against her long range interests to favor the short term. It works for some women, but they aren’t respectable, when people recognize it.

Chapter 6 tomorrow brings out the masculine side.

757. Response to Viewer — Item 21a

Her Highness Abigail prompted this article, when at post #751 she wondered that “…marriage seems like a raw deal for women.”

Of course it can be, but women are the relationship experts, so some blame attaches to them. They intuitively know how to manage and maintain a successful relationship. But that doesn’t mean they rely on their nature. She often ignores her man’s faults in courtship and then blames him as husband.

Also, for example, the wife can generate her own raw deal if she:

• Forgets that marriage predominantly serves mother and her children, but it has to be ‘bought and paid for’ by her as wife.
• Promotes equality over fairness in the home, e.g., dividing or expecting chore workload to be equal instead of settling for fairness to generate harmony. (Her relationship expertise endows her for success in knowing and settling differences, if she but drops any semblance of equality.)
• Determines the values to guide living in her home and negotiates requirements and expectations during courtship, e.g., church-going, raising kids, integrity, temporary separations, faithfulness, etc.
• Expects husband to be more like her or some other guy.
• Becomes something different than the gal the husband courted and married, or she expects him to become something different.

Raw deals are made and not born. Both he and she have coarse sandpaper to rub against sensitive emotions. But she’s better equipped than he to soothe the biggest irritations by feathering and nursing the edges into harmony.

P.S. Gold-diggers may have a better idea, as Abigail suggested, but they start with different objectives and values and end up with results different from what most women desire.

756. The Complex Broken Down — II

Perhaps you wonder why so much misery exists in homes today? Generally, women are not doing their best. You’ve seen some of what follows, but togetherness adds context.

Domestic harmony comes from this:

• Wives/mothers dominate the home by recognizing husband as head of family, wife as second in command, mother as third, and father as fourth.
• Females are naturally hard-headed and soft-hearted. Wife’s hard-headedness, however, dominates mother’s soft-heartedness. The wife role takes priority over the mother role. Otherwise, she pushes husband toward somebody else.
• Submissiveness is not about obedience but about rank structure when agreement can’t be negotiated, but decisions must be made on important matters.
• Husbands with frequent and convenient access to sex made delightful by wife spend less time looking for it and more time following their missions in life—job, family, or hobby. Perhaps to a fault, but it’s usually better than his chasing skirts.

Disharmony arises out of the following whether kids are present or not:

• Mother admits her inability to be second in command by repeatedly or exasperatedly turning to father to solve routine, child discipline, or non-critical problems. 
• When husband/father overrules or reverses decisions of wife/mother, her effectiveness declines. Both she and the kids learn that she’s not respected by head of family. Her authority for discipline goes down, and kids learn to play parents against one another.
• When wife/mother overrules or shows disdain for decisions of husband/father, he’s driven to look for another home. Both he and the kids see that he’s not respected, and he swallows that as an escape pill.

Over the past few decades, harmony in the home has shifted toward disharmony. As a result, home life miseries intrude into everyday life. Perhaps not yours, but someone you know.

752. The Majesty of Sex — III

Three factors breed manly devotion and marital longevity, and they build from the mutual exchange of assets, commitments, and rewards. The swapping works far more successfully, when she’s virgin or virtual virgin**:

They swap ultimate assets:

• Her ultimate asset is sex, and especially when unconquered by him. Their first sex together means he conquered and thus ‘owns’ her for sex, if he so desires. If they marry first, then he obviously desires it.  
• His ultimate asset is independence from other women and the ability to devote himself to helping fulfill her hopes and dreams.

They swap ultimate commitments:

• Her ultimate commitment shows up with proof or conviction to him that he’s the only sex object in her eyes. Lengthy courtship without sex goes a long way to convince him, because he tries everything and fails. That other men have known her doesn’t dampen his drive to conquer, but it grossly dampens his sense of significance, if he’s to invest himself in her.
• His ultimate commitment comes with investing himself to help fulfill her hopes and dreams. She has to earn his commitment by showing devotion to him. What displays her devotion better than anything else? Saving her sexual self exclusively for him, whether as virgin or virtual virgin!

They reward each other:

• Her ultimate reward comes when husband needs and wants to stay with her permanently.
• His ultimate reward comes when he conquers her. He gains frequent and convenient sex with ‘his’ female that others have not and will not know. The reward continues in mini-doses with subsequent love making. (He doesn’t know about her greatest benefit: His conquest under her terms taught her how to sustain his investment in her and their future.)

The magic of making majestic rewards work continues tomorrow.

**See CONTENTS for listing of Virtual Virginity articles.

709. Make Mr. Promiscuous Faithful — Part 3

Before we get to wife’s role, let’s explore her first line of defense: husband’s conscience. Like the rest of us, husband wants to feel good about himself and preferably all the time. Conscience alerts him when he shouldn’t or doesn’t.

• Definition: Conscience is the internal message center that backs up the respect we have for our self and others. It provides the uh-oh when we violate our self-respect, respect for others, or both. Weak respect, weak conscience. Strong respect, strong conscience.
• Conscience is the debt we owe to those we respect, including Self. He creates a guilty conscience, when he offends those he respects. Offense without respect stirs no guilt.
• The stronger is one’s conscience, the more earnest the motivation to both prevent and restore lost respect for others and Self. A weak conscience does little to curb husband’s cheating. A strong conscience helps him cope with the natural urge to both conquer and spread seed.
• Conscience makes character count more than good looks when searching for husband candidates. If already married, building greater respect strengthens a man’s conscience and her belief in it.
• Husband’s conscience detects and springs forth from violations of his self-respect, because it stimulates doubt about his self-image. Phrased in reverse, if his picture of whom and what he is crumbles, his self-respect wilts. His natural reaction calls for restoration of it, and the stronger his conscience—which means greater respect for Self and others—the more highly motivated his effort.
• If he lacks respect for females generally, he doesn’t picture himself as wrong when he mistreats one.
• To the extent that he respects females, mistreatment of one causes his conscience to send signals of regret to him more than to her. However, lacking respect for her gender at least equal to or greater than his respect for the male gender means he can disrespect, mistreat, and even harm women with no conscience alerts, no loss of self-respect.  
• To the extent that he respects wife, mistreatment of her causes loss of self-respect. It contradicts his picture of him as husband and his ideals of what marriage means. But worse, if he lacks respect for her, mistreatment doesn’t make him feel bad about himself. It disturbs neither his self-image nor self-respect.

Describing the many roles of conscience has expanded. More tomorrow.

708. Make Mr. Promiscuous Faithful — Part 2

Yesterday I mentioned mistakes and recovery. I need to recover before proceeding with original plan. Let’s look at cheating before we get to preventing it. So, we need to examine these identical terms—cheating, unfaithfulness, and infidelity—as they register with husband and wife:

• Faithfulness is the gigantic commitment and mutual expectation that operates in the marriage background as both gift and duty one to another. It generates very little marital glue, because the threat of the opposite also lurks in the background—infidelity. It’s a continual seesaw especially in wife’s mind: promise of his goodness vs. threat of his badness.
• To husband, wife’s cheating means sexual relations with another man, period. It goes so far beyond his ability to forgive and so disrupts his sense of significance and mental wellbeing that he dumps her before or after unforgivable abuse or even violence.
• To her, cheating comes in three degrees: (1) Sexual infidelity without emotional attachment to another woman is a first degree ‘burn’. (2) Emotional unfaithfulness is second degree burn, as represented by repeated sexual infidelity or emotional attachment to another female. (3) Any suggestion or danger of his abandoning her is third degree infidelity.
• The first degree she can handle, once she proves to herself that the second is absent. She can forgive, act as if she’s forgotten it, and move forward to brighten her future. (Feminism discourages this as different from how men react. So, women should act more as men do? I’m not personally endorsing either way but pointing out anti-female pressures that women face from the sisterhood.)
• The second degree is far different. Husband’s emotional attachment to another woman attacks her sense of female importance. It overpowers her self-love with self-loathing pressures of inadequacy. She can’t live with it. Note that it’s not so much him, he’s only the trigger. She can’t live with herself in his company. The frustration and humiliation usually triggers separation, so they can separate under her terms rather than his.
• The third degree ends the same way as the second for women of action: She senses the danger of his departure and beats him to it. For women less inclined to jump the gun, especially co-dependents, they await his departure with dread so great it causes indecision and often mental paralysis.
• If she gets dumped without any early warning signs, she endures the worst-case agonies of emotional unfaithfulness.
• She cheats for only one reason: Another emotional involvement, even though she may be prompted by revenge for his cheating.
• He always has an excuse for cheating. The more it reflects badly on him, the more likely he’s truly sorry (but don’t overlook possible manipulation if possible in his character).
• He’s not sensitive about emotional infidelity, and so he lacks understanding of wife’s inability to forget even if she forgives.

Unfaithfulness is a dirty game regardless of how it plays out. As with anything else, prevention helps prevent it.  We return there tomorrow.