483. What Moms Never Hear —K: Self-image

Self-image (aka self-concept) buds in infancy, blossoms in toddlerhood, explodes in the tweens, blooms again in the teens, and tends to settle down in adulthood.

·        Definition—Self-image is the mental and spiritual ‘picture’ a person has of Self. Who he is in life and how he fits in his world.

·        It identifies us to us. From it, we know who we are, how we mix with our world, what we can and can’t do. When fully developed, it tends to restrict us to doing what’s ‘normal’ for Self.

·        The roots lie in cooing, crying, smiling, and whatever else produces feedback to the infant. Added to genetic hardwiring, loving care and encouragement program the subconscious mind about its ability to affect its world, to influence its surroundings.

·        Toddlerhood opens the door to testing the world, examining realities, and programming the subconscious with a steady stream of new abilities—new ways to view Self. The greater the exploratory and adventurist nature of a toddler, the broader and deeper spreads his self-image.

·        Development of self-image explodes in the tweens. Kids face new pressures, social structures, and experiences outside the home. Greater accomplishments and varied experiences morph into a much enlarged self-image.

·        Puberty inflicts temporary damage that may turn permanent. Self-image undergoes doubts and confirmations to make Self fit into a world rocked with hormonal hurricanes. But, it didn’t come to stay, it came to pass.

·        Self-image blooms again in adolescence. It’s a growth period. Boys expand their search for independence and significance. Girls expand their search for involvement and meaning. Self-image grows with successes, narrows with failures, and steadies out with acceptance of Self as the third decade of life arrives.

As with adults, self-image sets boundaries on our behavior, which we usually observe. When we don’t, we take corrective action or rationalize to explain or excuse it to ourselves and others. Our self-image keeps us on the track we imagine as right for our life.

344. Ties that bind, or not! — Their fears

Self-interest motivates everyone to do what they do. Immature men make life tough, but the mature woman has the natural expertise to overcome.

 

She fears abandonment. She fears losing him above all else, whether killed, incapacitated, or a walk out. Abandonment strikes her ego as well as her heart.

 

She expects him to overextend himself, as necessary, to provide reassurances. The devoted husband sacrifices to avoid torturing his loveable wife with continual fears that weaken her appreciation for him.

 

He fears insignificance, and her eyes reflect it first. Her lack of respect and gratefulness makes his sense of significance decay. Wounding his spirit can be terminal.

 

Even slight decay can jumpstart motivational forces in him. He seeks to restore his sense of manliness—more independence, expensive toys, trophy woman, or just walk out. Mid-life crisis worsens whatever he chooses to do.

 

He doesn’t necessarily expect it, but ‘smart wife’ becomes head cheerleader for who he is and what he does. She also adds each child to the cheerleading squad.

343. Ties that bind, or not! — Their wants

Self-interest motivates everyone to do what they do. Newlywed bonding comes from blending individual self-interests into mutual-interest.

 

She wants help when she needs it in a world she can’t control to her satisfaction. She chose him as help-mate. It’s up to her to make their partnership work. The less she depends on him, the more he moves toward his wants.

 

He wants independence. He traded some—but not nearly all—for the promise of greater significance with her. He expects her to respect his significant self and appreciate his good husbanding and fathering.

 

Tradeoffs lead to cooperation. Compared to him, she’s the relationship expert. This enables her to make it all work.

342. Ties that bind, or not! — Their needs

Self-interest motivates everyone to do what they do, but it also conflicts with what a spouse expects.

 

She needs a brighter future for her family. Mature women exploit their relationship expertise. They work for stable security and promote family development, closeness, and harmony. Immature women seek materialistic brighteners—more money, continuous shopping, unaffordable housing.

 

Those things are not that important to men. Their male nature focuses more on the present than the future. Wife expects husband to respond favorably to her wishes about their future. However, it takes skill so as not to interfere with his near-term thinking, interests, and plans.

 

Mature wives focus and coach husband on building and sustaining their marriage. Immature wives pressure husband for greater effort, for more and better of whatever he does. (When he never measures up, it sends loud messages that he’s inadequate and may even be insignificant.)

 

His needs are far simpler than hers. He only needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s ‘battles’.

 

Such a place is easy to come by elsewhere. Consequently, in marriage he expects fun and comfort to compensate for loss of independence.

 

It’s her home to build and dominate. When she does it well, it’s a castle to him.

 

Tradeoffs leads to cooperation—good! Disrespect for their opposing natures leads to competition—ungood!

319. The high cost of cheap sex—13

Cheap sex to males means no permanent obligations. The easier the conquest and escape, the cheaper the sex.

·        Cheap sex turns mature men into teen-minded boys. The things women consider vital have much less value to adolescents—personal responsibility, faithfulness, marriage, family, dependability, truthful promises of commitment, reliable pledges of devotion, adherence to vows.

·        By cheapening sex, women cheapen themselves. Relatively, this makes males more powerful, dominant, independent and, therefore, valuable in society.

·        Males made more valuable force women to compete with each other, to make themselves more worthy for men. Hunks profit from quiet patience, as women fight over them. This reverses the natural way of men competing and making themselves worthy of a woman.

·        Sex outside of marriage gets ever cheaper as men grow more dominant relative to women. More eager to look elsewhere even when committed to someone.

·        Unmarried sex doesn’t provide what men naturally seek in a woman—if he’s to be permanent in her life. So, he has little sense of permanency. This makes him unreliable for faithfulness to her.

In the final analysis, men do whatever women require for frequent and convenient access to sex. And, unmarrried sex requires no loss of independence.

[More about high costs of cheap sex appears in posts 284, 226, 207, 190, 171, 161, 149, 138, 99, 84, 39, and 2. Scroll down or search by the number with dot and space following.]

318. His Mindset About Sex

The female mindset: Women worry about three phases of sex: foreplay, intercourse, and intimacy afterward. Men don’t.

Background

·        Adolescent male nature:  Intercourse is just intercourse. Foreplay should be unnecessary but can be fun. Intimacy interferes with recovery. Who’s next?

·        Mature male nature: Certain emotional involvements—such as respect and affection for her—add meaning and necessity to a man’s foreplay and intimacy. Her likeability adds too, but her attractiveness does not. (Attractiveness inspires the chase, but its emotional involvement fades after foreplay.)

A man’s sense of responsibility, significance, and permanence with his partner add considerations and connectedness that she appreciates. But his devotion makes him far more receptive to fulfilling her needs, especially after romantic love fades in a year or two.

The male mindset: Men are hormonally loaded to conquer attractive women. They plan around and worry about three things different than females: pre-conquest, post-conquest, and avoiding loss of their independence to hunt and conquer.

Of course, some men plan for and seek marriage. Being devoted to marriage is not the same as devoted to her, so she still has worries about his foreplay, intimacy, and even permanence.  

For more on the male mindset, see the Content page at the top for this series. Also try Do women know jack about Jack?

 

304. Lifelong husbands—made, not born — Part I

Many complications muck up lifelong marriages in modern America. Five follow.

1.     The wisdom of the ages is lost. Women can’t learn from their moms, because their moms didn’t listen to their moms. It exploded four decades ago. Girls and young women rebelled and spouted slogans with revolutionary zeal: Don’t listen to anyone over thirty, Down with authority, Distrust parents, Ignore authority figures. We’re several generations deep now with women shaping their lives around these adolescent values. What one generation allows, the next practices.

2.     Men do whatever they have to do to have frequent and convenient access to sex. Because many women provide unmarried sex, men are encouraged not to swap independence for responsibility.

3.     The feminine nature presented with pride and charm appeals and turns men ON for female influence about helping fulfill a woman’s hopes and dreams. Our forefathers followed that model. But not modern men. Feminist politics, theory, and dogma turn men OFF for yielding masculine independence.  

4.     Men seek justice. Women seek equality. As women seek greater equality with men, they give up justice. The PC crowd—political correctioneers— destroy justice. PCers and feminists disconnect females from male empathy and sympathy. They reject the separate but equal roles that family life requires for mutual respect, harmony, success, and longevity.

5.     Morality serves women more than men. Women can use it, men don’t need it. Our Judeo-Christian cultural heritage serves women even better. It goes beyond morals to guide men and women into separate but equal roles in home and society. However, ideologies such as humanism, secularism, relativism, and elitism replace morality and religion with values that expand male dominance, serve males over females, and throw away what’s best for families.*

* See the Worldviews page for more about these ‘isms’.

286. Wham, bam, thank you, ma’m! — Post 5 of 5

SUBJECT: Men are not considerate of her sexual wants, needs, and desires. Granted, they should be, but….

Love sits atop but does not dominate this subject. It may overcome and hold them together, and it may not.

 ♀2♂?  If conveying her wants, needs, and desires outweigh his satisfactions about their sex life, she’s not likely to get far without the tenderest diplomacy.

♀2♂?  She’s in charge. She’s in charge. She’s in charge. Not because he’s incapable, but because he lacks knowledge of her, and men often go to extremes to hide that lack.

♀2♂?  He sees little need for more than he already provides in love making. So, if she’s not satisfied, coaching him may help. (Nurturing demeans and teaching tends to humiliate him.)

♀2♂?  Any discussion of sexual shortcomings can push him toward consequences, up to and including abandonment, without her becoming aware.

♀2♂?  Husbands respond best to wife’s caution, indirectness, and patience. When he senses indirectly that she has an something unresolved, his problem solving persona emerges. He wants to uncover the problem and help. 

♀2♂?  Patience, soft-heartedness, and respect and gratefulness for who he is and what he does may capture and hold his attention. Those things show her love, as he expects to see it, and he’s much less likely to take offense about subjects sensitive to him.

♀2♂?  Devotion to her makes him want to pay attention and perhaps lavish affection on her. Thus, more devotion makes him more open to her wants, needs, and desires. 

♀2♂?  He expects frequent and convenient access to sex after yielding his independence for marriage. This may or may not make him devoted to pleasing her as she would like.

We can easily recognize that men should be more considerate of a woman’s sexual wants, needs, and desires. As we have seen, however, being married often interferes.

[This competes this title and subject. The rest appears in posts 281, 276, 271, and 266.]