- A woman’s love shows up as words and actions that reveal her affection. As she demonstrates affection and loving kindness, she becomes more loving of the object of that affection. A man’s love shows up with his producing, providing, protecting, and problem-solving for someone for whom he feels responsible. His loving actions confirm to him his love for that someone.
- The internal forces that push a man forward—qualities such as work ethic, responsibility, rugged individualism—are comparable to the internal forces that warm a woman’s psyche such as love, affection, and intimacy.
- Women complain about male dominance. The more a woman likes herself as a female for being female, and the more feminine she portrays herself as such, then the less she permits men to dominate her. Men learn easily to use much softer gloves with women they highly respect. And men respect friendly and feminine females that exploit their unique nature to the fullest—which excludes as a guy, man, feminist, radical, or something else.
- In the matter of self-respect, self-worth, and self-confidence: Women expand and strengthen those qualities after they capture a boyfriend, mate, or husband. Men possess those qualities before capturing a mate, and if wife weakens them, she makes herself more burden than blessing.
- Women disclose their feelings easily; they view very open relationships as non-threatening. Men don’t need open relationships, and they don’t disclose feelings, unless it helps accomplish something.
Tag Archives: intimacy
QUESTION: At #822 their highnesses Mari inquired and Morning Glory confirmed. They wondered about the lathering of too much or too many displays of affection on men, and Mari said: “…it leaves the hubby feeling uncomfortable. But how much is too much?”
ANSWER: He’s not like her. He needs very little compared to her.
He expects and appreciates her support for his missions in life, not lovey-dovey attentions and canoodling as she would have it. If he acts or seems to feel uncomfortable, she’s probably gone too far.
Females are relationship experts; they read body language and non-verbal clues much better than males. This enables keener judgments, which empower her to do better.
Men have missions in life. Women have life as their mission. To be more expressive/useful/valuable around the home, he needs to have missions to expand his interest there and stay focused on them.
So she can take a different approach than love and affection. For example, build and don’t tear down his ego. Cite and talk up his proficiency and value at handling various things, e.g., homecare projects, canoodling, intimacy, foreplay, after-play, or whatever else seems to be missing from her life.
Not an end-game, it’s THE process of female life with a man. These things help: indirectness, pleasantness, and harmony.
This post amplifies the last post #753 and completes the series.
As a man sees it, conquest rewards him with frequent and convenient access to sex with her. After marriage, even if conquest occurred earlier, wife rewards with plentiful sex, or else she short-circuits his frequent and convenient access. To explain:
- First, conquest itself is not his major reward. His personal glory comes with his investment paying off. Not what she does by refusing to yield over time and against all his efforts, but what he does to accept and adjust to her objections.
- The more and deeper each refusal that he respects, accepts, or tolerates, the more and deeper his investment of himself in her hopes and dreams. When he marries before conquest, he invests his ultimate Self, signified by giving up his independence.
- Second, assume conquest follows marriage. His wedding night reward jumpstarts his future of unlimited sex, as he anticipates it. He has frequent and convenient access, and it’s clearly ‘earned’ and deserved. He naturally keeps coming back for regular sex, but she has to reward him to keep his sexual thoughts in her bed. How?
- She never shows anything but pleasure, joy, and satisfaction with their sex life. He’s the sexual apple in her eye, and she never lets him forget it. Never sex itself but sex with him; without him sex is nothing. And her attitude should continue for life, which makes it more difficult for wife after their romantic love fades in a year or two.
- Those are his rewards after marriage. Her excuses and denials eat like acid rain on whatever joy and satisfaction she does infrequently show.
I know. I know. You just exploded. So let me finish:
- Masculine sexual techniques often offend or cause discomfort for sex partners. It’s a different issue, and if it dominates wife’s marital thoughts, his eye will start to wander or worse.
- She needs another and unoffending ‘game plan’. It calls for highly developed skills of indirectness best developed during courtship.
- For example: She can anticipate and figure out potential solutions to issues that may arise after his conquest. Is he long or short on intimacy, patience when she drags things out, or politeness when things don’t go his way?
I will be asked for details about an ‘unoffending game plan’, but I’d rather not tackle it. I’m a man and not into indirectness at the skill level required to retrain a man to a woman’s liking for intimacy and other female desires. By ducking out, or chickening out, I close this series.
- Intimacy is vitally important to her and less so to men. But which is more important: depth or breadth, quality or quantity, intensity or frequency? Lengthy courtship enables her to find out about herself and ‘train’ him to match her expectations.
- Home should be his castle, but not unless she generates the harmony. For example, except when in use, she requires the commode LID to be down. Last user is responsible. (Can’t tell you why it works this way, but he’ll more easily accept her homey home-keeping standard for closed commode than her expectation that he always lower the seat. He’ll do for his castle, what he won’t do for her. You say shameful or selfish, I say Nature.)
- Sex bonds women, but mutual respect bonds people and genders.
- Self-esteem means how well you like yourself as a person. Self-love describes it better for females provided it also includes especially liking their selves as female.
- Women have to put up with many unwelcome hits to draw a few routine compliments from men. Improving their appearance with feminine mystery and modesty improves the ratio in favor of compliments.
This continues yesterday’s post, which describes husbands’ resistance to showing more intimacy. Today, we look at her side of the equation.
To get she must give, because she wants more closeness than he’s designed to give. She wants him to adjust old habits to please her, which requires very slow going.
· More intimacy to her means more closeness more often and more intense. She can’t OD. But pressure to provide more pushes him away, so seductive techniques and positive reinforcement are called for.
· She faces this paradox: He adjusts old habits more easily when he feels no pressure to do so. If he doesn’t detect, or if her changes are desirable but register as no big deal, he senses no pressure—but that means slow going. This also means her efforts go unrecognized, so she gets no direct feedback. Her only sense of accomplishment is more closeness with him, and that may come too slow for her to detect.
· She will do all the wrong things once she starts thinking she’s being shortchanged, so don’t keep score.
· She should reinforce her sense of gratefulness for who he is and what he does. Greater gratitude means she’s happier, which translates as greater influence with adjusting his habits.
· She needs to examine herself as to the difference between adequate and inadequate response from him. Otherwise, she will too easily judge him inadequate for not meeting her expectations.
· Don’t plead, chastise, or show he’s lacking at pleasing her or showing intimacy.
· Regarding foreplay, she slowly and gently adds her ‘pre-foreplay’ to his. She eases herself into romance mood timed for his leisure time. Internal date night, seductive attire, romantic dinner, bedroom prep, or whatever else makes him feel good about himself as prelude to sex. Plus, whatever else slows him down. But women know this, if they but use it.
· Regarding afterplay, she gently over time conveys the thought to him that sex ain’t over till ‘mama’s feelings are put to bed.’
· Regarding intimacy without intercourse, expect that it will only appeal to him if he likes to please her. She uses positive reinforcement to teach him what pleases her.
It boils down to this. She can’t change him. She can only change herself, but that can be enough to have him adjust his habits. But, it takes time, feminine charm, and oodles of indirect attention getters and holders.
I dedicate this article to Her Highness Princess Rita, who posed a tough one:
Question: How does “a wife train her husband (to be more intimate, for example) without nagging him into the arms of another woman?” She really is asking: How can I get husband to adjust some bad habits that I dislike.
Answer: She does it indirectly, charmingly, and femininely after considering what she’s up against. (I stick with intimacy as the example.)
· Men aren’t hormonally driven the same as women. Intimacy connects to sex but little else, and even then it’s mostly foreplay.
· Men are highly results oriented, so intimacy appears unproductive except as prelude to sex. This means it has purpose for a short while and ends quickly.
· Finding fault with a man’s shortcomings for intimacy sends the message he’s sexually inadequate. It’s worse than nagging.
· Men are not energized by touching, cuddling, and deeply intimate behaviors. However, most men learn to provide frequent short bursts to please their woman or even please their selves.
· He doesn’t identify with her need, because the need signals weakness for a man. To participate smoothly he must have a strong, protective, guardian role.
That describes husband. She’s up tomorrow at post 645.a
These ‘fortitudinals’ provide special themes or summaries. Numbers match previous posts.
101. Both change after their first intercourse together. He changes for the worse for her; she changes for the better for him. She pays the price, but he gets the reward.
102. Living with or chasing small boobs means the man is willing to forsake adolescent immaturity and approaches sexual activity more maturely.
103. The end result of masculine-style sexual freedom for women is this: Men become more adroit at sexual hit and run, and women gain more experience living life as ex-girlfriend, -lover, -live in, -wife.
104. Today, women measure his love by her standards, and so he repeatedly falls short. If men were born for closeness, nurturing, intimacy, and continuous dialogue, they would have been born female.
105. Women discourage displays of affection. They expect their man to do things that demean his masculinity—dishes and diapers? It’s not the doing that offends, it squeezes his sense of significance.
[Previous fortitudinals appear in posts 280, 275, 270, 265, 260, 255, 250, 245, 240, 234, 228, 213, 203, 199, 186, 182, and 176.]
Women use faulty tactics dealing with men. They ignore a strategic truism.
Einstein said: “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
Imagination motivates. It breeds drive and determination, and curiosity triggers it.
Immature women expect that exchanging intimate knowledge with a man, especially sexual activity, will enable them to capture and hopefully keep a man. Nature works quite the opposite.
Men appreciate what they pay for, and the more dearly they pay, the greater their appreciation. Pay, that is, with their interest, focus, time, manners, sacrifice, energy, laughter, fun, games, promises, mistakes, affection, commitment, politeness, devotion, and even worry about losing her.
Not knowledge but a man’s imagination keeps him interested in her. It’s the promise of what lies ahead with her that keeps her glued into his self-interest.
For example, each step completed from flirtation to copulation satisfies and shifts curiosity to the next step. Knowledge gained step-by-step satisfies all curiosity about her body. It becomes a known quantity, quality, and value with conquest.
Mature women see his energy for her as more important than his knowledge of her, wanting her as more important than having her, imagining her as more important than knowing her.
If he wonders why she acts resistant to his come on, his imagination shifts toward finding out. If she’s not understandable, his imagination shifts toward her depth of character and what motivates her.
For example, feminine mystique is all about creating curiosity and satisfying it ever so slowly. Her need for modesty, intimacy, and privacy stimulate his imagination to know more about her.
Women could do better with a new strategy: Generate maximum curiosity and satisfy it the least. Exploit curiosity to trigger masculine imagination. It works better than making herself knowable and known without his having paid much in dedication, effort, and self-worry.
More on the shattering of female dominance appears at posts 237, 222, 209, 194, 173, 159, and 151.]