This continues yesterday’s post, which describes husbands’ resistance to showing more intimacy. Today, we look at her side of the equation.
To get she must give, because she wants more closeness than he’s designed to give. She wants him to adjust old habits to please her, which requires very slow going.
· More intimacy to her means more closeness more often and more intense. She can’t OD. But pressure to provide more pushes him away, so seductive techniques and positive reinforcement are called for.
· She faces this paradox: He adjusts old habits more easily when he feels no pressure to do so. If he doesn’t detect, or if her changes are desirable but register as no big deal, he senses no pressure—but that means slow going. This also means her efforts go unrecognized, so she gets no direct feedback. Her only sense of accomplishment is more closeness with him, and that may come too slow for her to detect.
· She will do all the wrong things once she starts thinking she’s being shortchanged, so don’t keep score.
· She should reinforce her sense of gratefulness for who he is and what he does. Greater gratitude means she’s happier, which translates as greater influence with adjusting his habits.
· She needs to examine herself as to the difference between adequate and inadequate response from him. Otherwise, she will too easily judge him inadequate for not meeting her expectations.
· Don’t plead, chastise, or show he’s lacking at pleasing her or showing intimacy.
· Regarding foreplay, she slowly and gently adds her ‘pre-foreplay’ to his. She eases herself into romance mood timed for his leisure time. Internal date night, seductive attire, romantic dinner, bedroom prep, or whatever else makes him feel good about himself as prelude to sex. Plus, whatever else slows him down. But women know this, if they but use it.
· Regarding afterplay, she gently over time conveys the thought to him that sex ain’t over till ‘mama’s feelings are put to bed.’
· Regarding intimacy without intercourse, expect that it will only appeal to him if he likes to please her. She uses positive reinforcement to teach him what pleases her.
It boils down to this. She can’t change him. She can only change herself, but that can be enough to have him adjust his habits. But, it takes time, feminine charm, and oodles of indirect attention getters and holders.