645. Response to Viewer—Item 15b

This continues yesterday’s post, which describes husbands’ resistance to showing more intimacy. Today, we look at her side of the equation.

To get she must give, because she wants more closeness than he’s designed to give. She wants him to adjust old habits to please her, which requires very slow going.

·        More intimacy to her means more closeness more often and more intense. She can’t OD. But pressure to provide more pushes him away, so seductive techniques and positive reinforcement are called for.

·        She faces this paradox: He adjusts old habits more easily when he feels no pressure to do so. If he doesn’t detect, or if her changes are desirable but register as no big deal, he senses no pressure—but that means slow going. This also means her efforts go unrecognized, so she gets no direct feedback. Her only sense of accomplishment is more closeness with him, and that may come too slow for her to detect.

·        She will do all the wrong things once she starts thinking she’s being shortchanged, so don’t keep score.

·        She should reinforce her sense of gratefulness for who he is and what he does. Greater gratitude means she’s happier, which translates as greater influence with adjusting his habits. 

·        She needs to examine herself as to the difference between adequate and inadequate response from him. Otherwise, she will too easily judge him inadequate for not meeting her expectations. 

·        Don’t plead, chastise, or show he’s lacking at pleasing her or showing intimacy.

·        Regarding foreplay, she slowly and gently adds her ‘pre-foreplay’ to his. She eases herself into romance mood timed for his leisure time. Internal date night, seductive attire, romantic dinner, bedroom prep, or whatever else makes him feel good about himself as prelude to sex. Plus, whatever else slows him down. But women know this, if they but use it.

·        Regarding afterplay, she gently over time conveys the thought to him that sex ain’t over till ‘mama’s feelings are put to bed.’

·        Regarding intimacy without intercourse, expect that it will only appeal to him if he likes to please her. She uses positive reinforcement to teach him what pleases her.

It boils down to this. She can’t change him. She can only change herself, but that can be enough to have him adjust his habits. But, it takes time, feminine charm, and oodles of indirect attention getters and holders.

644. Response to Viewer — Item 15a

I dedicate this article to Her Highness Princess Rita, who posed a tough one:

Question: How does “a wife train her husband (to be more intimate, for example) without nagging him into the arms of another woman?” She really is asking: How can I get husband to adjust some bad habits that I dislike.

Answer: She does it indirectly, charmingly, and femininely after considering what she’s up against. (I stick with intimacy as the example.)

·        Men aren’t hormonally driven the same as women. Intimacy connects to sex but little else, and even then it’s mostly foreplay.

·        Men are highly results oriented, so intimacy appears unproductive except as prelude to sex. This means it has purpose for a short while and ends quickly.

·        Finding fault with a man’s shortcomings for intimacy sends the message he’s sexually inadequate. It’s worse than nagging.

·        Men are not energized by touching, cuddling, and deeply intimate behaviors. However, most men learn to provide frequent short bursts to please their woman or even please their selves.

·        He doesn’t identify with her need, because the need signals weakness for a man. To participate smoothly he must have a strong, protective, guardian role.

That describes husband. She’s up tomorrow at post 645.a

252. Female dominance: Gone! — Part 8

Women use faulty tactics dealing with men. They ignore a strategic truism.

Einstein said: “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

Imagination motivates. It breeds drive and determination, and curiosity triggers it.

Immature women expect that exchanging intimate knowledge with a  man, especially sexual activity, will enable them to capture and hopefully keep a man. Nature works quite the opposite.

Men appreciate what they pay for, and the more dearly they pay, the greater their appreciation. Pay, that is, with their interest, focus, time, manners, sacrifice, energy, laughter, fun, games, promises, mistakes, affection, commitment, politeness, devotion, and even worry about losing her.

Not knowledge but a man’s imagination keeps him interested in her. It’s the promise of what lies ahead with her that keeps her glued into his self-interest.

For example, each step completed from flirtation to copulation satisfies and shifts curiosity to the next step. Knowledge gained step-by-step satisfies all curiosity about her body. It becomes a known quantity, quality, and value with conquest.

Mature women see his energy for her as more important than his knowledge of her, wanting her as more important than having her, imagining her as more important than knowing her.

If he wonders why she acts resistant to his come on, his imagination shifts toward finding out. If she’s not understandable, his imagination shifts toward her depth of character and what motivates her.

For example, feminine mystique is all about creating curiosity and satisfying it ever so slowly. Her need for modesty, intimacy, and privacy stimulate his imagination to know more about her.

Women could do better with a new strategy: Generate maximum curiosity and satisfy it the least. Exploit curiosity to trigger masculine imagination. It works better than making herself knowable and known without his having paid much in dedication, effort, and self-worry.

More on the shattering of female dominance appears at posts 237, 222, 209, 194, 173, 159, and 151.]

34. Sex and the fickle girl—Part I

Women too often ignore or forget these facts of life. 

♀♂ Marriage and associated responsibilities don’t uplift men, they constrain.

♀♂ Women need men more than the reverse, especially those women hopeful of a permanent relationship.

♀♂ Women work to love. Men love to work.

♀♂ To stay with a woman, men must be rewarded for husbanding and fathering—as the male gender sets standards, and each man measures the benefits.

♀♂ A man’s love is based on respect for her and her likeability supporting him in his work.

♀♂ Women expect to hear affection expressed in multiple ways and demonstrated on frequent occasions. Men don’t think that way. (Both have A.D.D. as described in post #3 below.)

♀♂ Without moral standards, female expectations, and motherly teachings that tame, civilize, and domesticate the male nature, masculinity emerges as unfriendly dominance, aggressiveness, and even violence. (This puts women in charge of cultural values—or they abdicate as modern women are doing.)

♀♂ Women like to claim that men are only after sex. Actually, sexual availability is the measure by which men judge women for their loyalty to and dependence upon a man.

♀♂ Women play an auxiliary role in the natural side of the masculine life. This requires that each woman seeking to live with a man compensate by energizing him to help pursue her individual interests, hopes, and dreams. (Of course women have other options, but they should expect to eventually lose their partner. She can change his behavior but not his nature.)

 

♀♂ Women can enjoy masculine-style sexual freedom, but they eventually lose when playing the man’s game. (More later)

♀♂  Divulging her sexual history to a man injects poison into their relationship. (More later)

 

33. ‘Romance Gap’—It’s all about her.

♂ Except when forced to honor females with manly spell-binding joy, romance to males means foreplay or prelude to it.

♂ Men are not naturally romantic. If not ‘trained’ to habitually romance her before marriage, he won’t do it afterward and will probably be short on intimacy after sex.

♂ Boys first learn romance by watching father affectionately romance mother without sexual implications. Later, they learn from girls who inspire manly romance by withholding foreplay or from women withholding sex.

♂ Women expect men to be more romantic, but romance slows his urge to merge. Men romance each woman to the extent that she requires for him to initiate foreplay or sex.

3. Affection—Both Sexes Have A.D.D.

Reorganized, clarified, and reissued as #1755.