1184. Boot Camp for Girls—Day 21: Grandfather’s Advice #8

Beautiful granddaughter, you deserve to be placed on a pedestal. However, don’t rely on your beauty. It melts down with aging.

Boys don’t put a girl on a pedestal. Men don’t put a woman on a pedestal. Guys don’t put their fiancé on a pedestal. Husbands don’t put their wife on a pedestal. Females build their own pedestals. Males view the various pedestals and assess the promise emanating from them.

Females begin construction in girlhood and continue for decades and maybe life. They build their pedestal by stacking coins of virtue for each male to see, evaluate, and uncover her promise as girlfriend, fiancé, lover, or wife.

She must construct her own pedestal because of the way males think. First, they admire accomplishments. Second, they don’t believe in unearned gifts. Third, they expect hallowed respect to be earned. Fourth, to openly adore someone makes them look weak. Fifth, they love it when females put up with their expectations.

Expect your pedestal to be observed two ways. The man in your life sees your ingredients of construction, coins of virtue. Outside observers see how you’re adored by him.  

Imagine coins of virtue stacked to rise with each coin added. The stack elevates her stature and status in male eyes. They add up to the promise she holds for her boyfriend/man/fiancé/husband. Other people recognize the pedestal top by how the current male in her life respects her as a person, girlfriend, female, and friend.

Now to the coins. Virtue means unique to females and complimentary to males. She adds value to herself and interest and comfort to his life. It registers as virtue and programs his heart in her favor.

(Forget about showing physical affection. It has little value as virtue. Boys see physical affection as prelude to foreplay and therefore sex. A female’s distinction from other females thus fades with displays of physical affection.)

I now present a goldfield of virtues just waiting to be mined and stacked as your personal pedestal. These foundations come first: Feminine mystique pleasantly defies his understanding of the female psyche. Female modesty proclaims female uniqueness. Moral behavior earns admiration for dedication to living the good life. Monogamous beliefs pledge sexual fidelity. Abstinence makes a man’s heart grow fonder (out of respect and promise of fidelity). The following make those foundations resonate with clarity and intensity.

• Physical attractiveness marvelously enhanced by affordable attire and classy grooming.
• Sexual attractiveness enhanced by modest coverings to reinforce that other men are forbidden.
• Gentleness provided out of patience.
• Forgetfulness that automatically follows forgiving someone.
• Thoughtfulness that her mate deserves.
• Gratefulness for her man that shines as her being happy when he’s around.
• Submissiveness as her spirit of cooperation.
• Happiness that spreads infectiously.
• Joyfulness that inspires greater hope.
• Chasteness promised to him by modest display of boobs and legs.  
• Generousness that smashes selfishness out of her life.
• Delightfulness that makes her man smile.
• Unselfishness that spreads as example for all.
• Neatness that inspires others.
• Goodness that sets a shining example.
• Faithfulness that inspires him to follow suit.
• Competitiveness with him before marriage but only cautiously on matters of principle afterward.
• Cooperativeness with him on marital matters.
• Indirectness and seed planting used as main strategy for getting her way.

However, venom from the snake pit injects grease between coins of virtue. The greasiness destabilizes the pedestal structure. Venom such as:

• Facetiousness prompted by fear of being wrong.
• Hatefulness prompted by dislike of herself.
• Selfishness never untaught to her in childhood.
• Busyness pursuing her personal rather than their mutual agenda.
• Fussiness inspired by desire for perfection.
• Bitchiness that flows from envy, jealousy, and similar emotions related to others.
• Fearsomeness brought on by mistakes or failures that she thinks might be repeated endlessly. 
• Quarrelsomeness that emerges from her desire to drive their bus.
• Untidiness, the nesting merits of which she was never taught in childhood.
• Loneliness magnified by jealousy when he’s not alongside her.
• Lonesomeness inadequately handled when caused by husband’s absence at work.
• Moodiness that flows from her inability to control events in her life to her satisfaction.
• Carelessness prompted by weak sense of responsibility.
• Sloppiness that reflects badly on husband to his friends and competitors.
• Phoniness energized by fear of her true character being found out.
• Political correctness brought on by sense of being victimized.
• Unfaithfulness that boils in oil her man’s sense of significance.

Now, Honey Child, I don’t expect you to master those things in girlhood. You may never get to the top of such a pedestal. But, as with other things in life, do the best you can with what you have where you’re at. You know where you’re headed. Coins of virtue can also pave a great path toward fulfilling your hopes and dreams.

You may not think a pedestal is worth the effort to build it. But someday, without ever being aware, you’ll find yourself so self-reliant in your thoughts and deeds that you’ll love yourself for whom and what you are. Building such a pedestal puts you into living up to someone bigger than yourself, namely who you can become.

553. Femmy Secrets for Harmony — # 2

Certain behaviors produce female advantage and prevent relationship reflux.

• Nurturing works well and best with kids under about age six. For others and especially husband, the relationship kingpin harmonizes family by using other skills.
• She insists on generating higher levels of morality, because it primarily serves women and children.
• She intuitively senses that gratitude for him—at no expense to her self-respect—must come first to elicit his full appreciation of her.
• In courtship and the early marriage years especially, the absence of husband’s compliments about her appearance may mean she appears common or worse. He married neither.
• Not regularly reminding and capturing his attention with her appearance frees up his hunting eyes to focus on targets more appealing. 
• She fishes for husband’s compliments about her appearance. It keeps her paying attention to how she looks and strengthens his habit of appreciating her.
• She takes her husband’s name as token of thankfulness for giving up his freedom. Other men respect him for taking the plunge with a traditional female.
• She respects, charms, and captivates men without generating jealousy in her own man. It’s a delicate balance best learned in her adolescent years. So long as he doesn’t fear it or get jealous, he loves for other men to appreciate his woman, which means they admire him. (His competitive spirit, remember?) 

480. What Moms Never Hear —I: Babyhood

Two minds merge at birth, but moms seldom hear this:

©     Nurturing or its lack develops and shapes her child’s self-esteem. How provided and who provides the nurturing determines how the child likes and appreciates Self for life.

©     Father has drives that conflict with nurturing. He’s driven to shape human events, whereas mother is driven to shape human lives. Trying to alter or close this natural gap does so at the expense of infant’s self-esteem.

©     Mother with a good mothering self-image nurtures her baby well. She usually strives to be the main authority, protector, and perhaps exclusive nurturer.

©     Mother naturally does well unless she lets negative feelings—e.g., selfishness, envy, jealousy, overwork, and frustration—slip into her thinking and reshape her nurturing.

©     Mom is the most qualified and prepared to make everything positive and consistently appreciative of infant. Unfortunately, she’s also the most influential for souring a child’s appreciation of Self.

©     A mom’s low self-esteem, unflattering self-image as mother, or detached self-interest as a nurturer can easily interfere with her quality of nurturing. This bodes ill for the child’s self-esteem.

Mom does her best. She does even better, when father is available. For more about her nurturing and father’s contributions see the NURTURING series in the CONTENTS page at blog top.

Details about self-esteem follows at post 481.

122. Her sexual history?—Part 04

♂ Except maybe for political correctioneers, men are not into non-judgmentalism about their woman’s sexual history. Even if he insists or discloses his own ex-girlfriends, she should not reciprocate.

♂ A man can hardly help but judge his woman harshly about her unmarried sexual history. It’s the male nature, although men feign disinterest or deny it so as to discover more.

♂ His respect and her unmarried sexual activity works like a zero-sum game. Highest respect equates with her virginity. Little respect equates with her promiscuity and can be anticipated as proportional to her looseness—as he perceives it.

♂ Men keep probing for details, and her only safe route lies with silence even about platonic boyfriends. Every detail makes a heavier-than-usual bundle for the final straws that break his marital back.

♂ If he honors her silence on this issue, his respect is doubtless deep and abiding—the kind that lasts and lasts and undergirds his bonding love.

♂ When jealousy triggers a man’s anger, he too easily focuses on his woman’s sex life before him. This costs her respect when she needs it most. Her past promiscuity and even platonic relationships amplify her problems—if he knows about them.

♂ Total silence is her best protection, but that’s impractical. She needs light-hearted banter to disclose the absolute least possible as he probes for information.

♂ A woman needs to master the art of dominating this issue during courtship in anticipation of what will follow naturally: A conqueror’s right to ‘ownership’ of their sexual agenda includes full-disclosure of her past. Once he’s had her, he seeks to measure himself against his competition—that is, other men. Who, when, and how went before and may return, or he may face some day?

 

76. Her mushy thinking—Part 3

She provides easy sex before marriage. She gives away what she doesn’t have to. After marriage she withholds sex. For example, retaliating for her hurts, she displeases him deliberately. Whatever the reason, withholding herself weakens his sense of significance with her.

She elevates children to adult status, which demotes husband to subordinate status and moves him toward insignificance—his greatest fear.

She assertively rejects this advice gem of politics and negotiation: ‘Don’t complain, don’t explain’. Instead, she unloads with everything bothering her as it bothers her. Little discretion comes across as nagging.

She gives birth at all ages without father’s presence or commitment to help. She sacrifices her child’s father-balanced future on the altar of her female ego.

She tries to take more than she gives when negotiating some issue of greater importance to husband than to her. He may deserve such treatment, and she may win the battle. But their future together dims.

She makes maintaining her imperial nest more important than retaining her man.

She reverses this model and wonders why she loses: In dating and courtship women are buyers and men sellers. Men prove their worth in order to earn her. In marriage, women are sellers and men buyers. She proves her worth in order to keep him.

She admires celebrities or others more than her husband. Admittedly, for other reasons than how she judges him, but he still comes up short. It contaminates her wifely mind for permanency.

She vocalizes jealousy of her man’s job, hobby, or recreation. She thus primes his abandonment pump. He may be totally in the wrong. But her drumbeat hardens more than weakens his determination. As the relationship expert, she has other options, but her mushy thinking thwarts her.

She expects that he will respond to stimulants just as she does. For example, guilt motivates her to do something to relieve it. Men largely ignore guilt trips placed on them and easily handle guilt they lay on themselves.

She would rather be friends with her kids than essential to her man.

She favors her kids over his. If she can’t treat all kids alike, her blending of families will not be very successful. If she can’t trust her kids to the care and admonition of her husband, she married the wrong man.  

66. Hard-hearted Hannah

A woman easily kills her relationship when she exhibits female weaknesses that harden her heart for cooperation and soften her head into competing with her man. Weaknesses follow:

♥ Facetiousness prompted by fear of being wrong.

♥ Hatefulness prompted by dislike of herself.

♥ Selfishness never untaught to her in childhood.

♥ Busyness pursuing her personal rather than their agenda.

♥ Fussiness inspired by desire for perfection.

♥ Bitchiness that flows from envy, jealousy, and similar emotions related to others.

♥ Fearsomeness brought on by mistakes or failures that she thinks might be repeated endlessly. 

♥ Quarrelsomeness that emerges from her desire to drive their bus.

♥ Untidiness, the nesting merits of which she was never taught in childhood.

♥  Loneliness imagined when he’s not alongside her.

♥ Lonesomeness caused by husband’s absence at work.

♥ Moodiness that flows from her inability to control events in her life to her satisfaction.

♥ Carelessness prompted by weak sense of responsibility.

♥ Sloppiness that reflects badly on husband to his friends and competitors.

♥ Phoniness energized by fear of her true character being found out.

♥ Political correctness brought on by sense of being victimized.

♥ Unfaithfulness that boils in oil her man’s sense of significance.