565. Response to Viewer — Item 11

I dedicate this series to Her Highness Katrinka. She asked “Why is it so hard for fathers and sons (specifically grown sons) to be close?” I cite the father mostly, but mother plays a more critical role than included here:

• Being of independent nature, men receive no reassurances from being close to one another as women do. So closeness has to be generated over time.
• Father and son compete as do all men. Their competitive relationship forms in the tweens and solidifies in the teens.
• Men don’t change much, unless they get saved. So, how they get along in early compete mode determines how they relate later.
• Leadership can vary greatly, but absence of both respect as a person and trust that matches maturity level breeds an unwilling follower.
• Throughout childhood, hold him back and earn his scorn. Help him along and earn his desire to belong. 
• When father pays little or no attention to son’s upbringing, mother has too much influence. She’s reflects or expresses disappointment in father to the son, and he takes up her offense. 
• Helicopter mothering prevents son learning from mistakes and failures. It leads to lack of both self-respect and self-confidence, which conflicts when father has those traits to spare.
• Mother elevates son over father; she treats him as adult rather than child. Son shows no respect for father, because he learned he can be equal while acting like a child.
• Trust and respect for father can easily be killed by son’s bio mom and bitter ex-wife of father, especially when son is in the tweens living with her. 
• A son continually aims for independence, declares it, and expects it without argument soon after puberty. If father fights and suppresses this drive along the way, bitterness arises and follows later in life.
• When father leads uncertainly, unpredictably, distrustfully or with whims, temper, and anger, then son’s disrespect grows proportionally.
• If father suppresses son’s growth toward independence, son resents hell out of it and bitterness may well follow for life.
• If father lets son outcompete father in decision making, repeatedly outwit or beat down father to get or do what son wants, or let’s son get too independent too fast for his britches, disrespect develops and lasts for life. 

523. LOVE vs. RESPECT — Section IV

These principles are relevant to home life. The meaning of self-respect to men can be examined with the military’s leadership model. (Leadership: Getting people to do what they would not ordinarily do on their own.)

v Military life depends upon mutual respect earned, given, and accepted through delegation of specific powers to every rank.

v Each rank is endowed with sufficient authority to fulfill assigned responsibilities and for which the holder will be held accountable.

v Rank also has its privileges, which are standing rewards for accepting responsibility and accountability.

v Rank automatically generates respect regardless of the person holding it. Exceptions: Respect disintegrates from abuse of power such as overstepping one’s authority or privilege, failing to fulfill responsibilities, or ‘escaping’ accountability. It also disintegrates when seniors override or undercut the authority of juniors.  

v Individuals are treated with the respect due their rank, which confirms their organizational role. 

v Each man’s self-respect solidifies from doing his job and stabilizes from respect repeatedly paid his rank. The rank-holder inherits respect the organization was designed to generate, which spotlights how important self-respect is to energize men into working as teammates.

Female soft-heartedness and love-intensive nature don’t naturally go in for building and managing large organizations. Women in the military masculinize their values and hide or revise natural emotions in order to succeed.  

Women can learn something from the military model about reinforcing self-respect in men. See next post in this series. 

430. Relationship Maintenance, Poor Intent

Her relationship gets shaky, uncomfortable, and in need of improvement. It calls for relationship maintenance. She can describe the problems, but she has no control. It depresses her, which makes everything worse. Frustrated, she finally turns to him.

Relationship maintenance is her domain, but it suggests management. Trying to get him involved generates more anguish than she already suffers.

Women think in terms of relationship maintenance. Men don’t. To a man, his relationship with her exists, period, whether lumpy, frumpy, or grumpy. Not to say he won’t want to help, just that he most likely will respond negatively or worse to the idea because blame attaches to him.

When women expect their man to help in such conditions, they are usually disappointed because men don’t do relationship maintenance. It’s unnecessary, as he sees it.

He also reads her as saying he’s at fault, inadequate, or insignificant. His outer assertiveness melts to reveal his defensive armor.

A better approach exists for her. Both maintenance and management suggests getting people to live up to what the boss expects. It can offend at home as well as on the job. The principles of both depersonalize people.

Leadership, on the other hand, inspires people to live up to what others admire. Best practice calls for a woman to focus on what she admires about her man and watch him live up to it. Then, expand her admiration to other things about him. It works like fertilizer to grow him into the Right Man.

She’s better off by keeping both her need and the concept of maintenance in the closet.

299. Female dominance: Gone! — Part 10

Women lose their power to offset their mate’s dominant nature when they rely on feelings instead of thinking through with intent to solve problems.

Women easily sense disharmonies, problems, or conflicts in their relationships with a man. Men are far less sensitive to such potentially disruptive forces. Not only less sensitive but also the main culprit, or so women see it.

The ball is always in her court for a variety of reasons, and she has options. Without her initiative and leadership to resolve issues before they compound, her relationship will likely flounder and may fail. It’s in her court because:

·        She’s the relationship expert. Her female nature arms her to counter his dominance when necessary. She has only to play her cards right.

·        He won her by proving himself worthy—or should have. She married him for better or worse, That is, ‘as is’! If he now disappoints her, it’s her fault. Or, so she should assume and more easily forgive and forget.

·        Regardless of his guilt, it’s counterproductive to try quieting his dominant nature. When a man is blamed by his woman, he shifts into competitive mode and treats her as he would another guy—except he can be more forceful with much less fear of reprisal. In competitive mode with his woman, his battle helmet hardens, and he enters discussions with no intention of losing.

·        Leadership operates on principles—primarily responsibility and authority. First principle: Without responsibility, one has no authority to act. If she blames him and expects him to change whatever is wrong, then she accepts no responsibility and has no authority to go further.

·        Blame initially offends him, so she should wait for him to get clued in. She thus yields the power to initiate. When problems become apparent to him, his problem-solving dominance rises to take over. She merely has to guide his efforts to solve her problem.

When she abrogates her role as relationship expert, she loses strength for easing his dominance.

[More on the shattering of female dominance appears at posts 283, 252, 237, 222, 209, 194, 173, 159, and 151.]

 

 

 

 

278. Female malpractice — Part 8

Feminists popularized complaints about men. This one pressures women into wifely malpractice: ‘A woman’s work is never done’.

First, work-never-ends is the woman’s natural state. She needs a brighter future. She feels compelled to make it so through corrections and improvements.

Second, everything needs care, requires time, or must be made better. But those ‘everythings’ interfere with each other: job, housework, kids, step kids, husband, parents, and maybe even an ex. 

Third, she focuses more on the bad in others than the good around her. Complaints erode her gratefulness, and lack of gratitude erodes her happiness. The ‘everythings’ worsen.

Fourth, she can attack her misery by stopping malpractice in the home. For example:

·        Expecting too much of herself and others.

·        Living her life vicariously through kids.

·        Supervising kids beyond their maturity, hovering as helo mom.

·        Parenting her husband, especially as an intolerable ‘nagatha’.

·        Striving for perfection at work or home.

·        Equalizing domestic and childcare workloads with husband. (Sharing is possible, equality is not. Endless squabbles and resentments are easy.)

·        Letting kids escape responsibility for housework and domestic tranquility.

·        Failing to anticipate family squabbles that lead to further disruptions.

·        Bossing instead of negotiating with husband. (She and not him is the relationship expert.)

·        Bossing kids angrily. Stirring passions unnecessarily, including her own.

·        Letting kids see mom-dad disputes, arguments, fights.  

Malpractice adds burdens, but better choices can be made.

[More about female malpractice appears in posts 236, 221, 206, 189, 175, 164, and 150. Scroll down or search for the number with a dot and space following it.]

183. What daughters never hear—Section 1

♀ Modest attire, harmonizing makeup, and ladylike behavior empower a woman to compete against women of greater youth and beauty. Especially later in life as tattoos wrinkle, breasts droop, erogenous areas lose visual appeal, and new fashions favor the youngest.

♀ Unwillingness to take husband’s name sends other men a message that she is not very tightly dedicated and may be available. 

♀ The more grateful the female to be female, the greater her ability to offset, live with, and even overcome male dominance.

♀ Successful wives don’t supervise husbands except gently, warmly, and especially as indirectly and unnoticeably as possible. Success comes from her finding other ways than challenging expectations that never die in his hunter-conqueror nature.

♀ The female nature can adjust more easily to marital disharmonies, uncertainties, and instabilities than can a man’s. This makes relationship maintenance more her job than his.

♀ The kind of enduring love that keeps a man is based on unconditional respect for women generally and conditional respect for one woman in particular. Parents teach the former to boys. Chaste girls and women earn the latter from boys and men.

♀ The modern woman’s refusal to submit to her man’s leadership in the home is more personal, political, and feminist than practical or natural. It sabotages her agenda proportional to her objections. Two-boss organizations don’t survive.

[More about daughters appear in posts 89, 75, 58, 32, and 17. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

178. Weans, tweens, and teens #2—ThreePhases

This series is about mental development and shaping the minds of children.

It’s not love that raises a child, it’s how parents apply their love with a single purpose in mind. Effective parenting comes from converting love and affection into mature adult thinking that first nurtures, then leads, and finally coaches a child into mature adult behavior.  

Children develop differently in three distinct phases. Consider the far end of each phase to be the first grade, puberty, and age 21 and to vary somewhat for each child.

·         In the ‘weans’ before age six or seven, a child finally eases away from mom’s side. Throughout the weans, nurture works best to prepare a child for mature behavior in adulthood.

·         In the ‘tweens’ before puberty, dominant leadership works best to prepare a child for mature behavior in adulthood.

·         In the teens after puberty, coaching works best to prepare a child for mature behavior in adulthood.

The most important phrase above is “prepare a child for mature behavior in adulthood.” All that follows has that as the primary objective of mind development.

[More on the mind appears at post 177 and others that follow this post with higher numbers. Scroll upward.]

 

131. Loose lips at Heartbreak Hotel—3rd floor

Solved—her commode seat problem. With just a little coaching, she can prevent his being inconsiderate, her being disappointed, and both being argumentative. Every user as appropriate lowers both commode seat and lid. This makes toilet obligations equal, responsibility unarguable, and commode appearance more in tune with her female sensibilities.

When she looks good, he says nothing. He’s with her precisely because she looks good to him. He only wants to see it, but she wants to hear it. She reads his silent up-check as an up-chuck. Open warfare often starts over such sex differences.

A man’s love is based on respect for one woman he sees as extraordinary. This means he does not really understand her feminine mystique, modesty, moral standards, and female imperatives. Determined trueness to these aspects of her female nature—the opposite of Feminism—uplifts her in a man’s eyes.

Men are more teachable before conquest than after, so platonic courtship shapes her future. Especially about her expectations, those thoughtful things that will prevent her being taken for granted. Flowers when? Remember what? Affection when, how often, what form? Picking up what and after who? Help with what, where, and when? What works and doesn’t work for parents and other examples? And especially and unforgettably for him, what she dislikes and can’t stand.  

Women don’t have to embrace the feminist ideology to embrace feminist values. Hence, to attract attention, women dress their daughters like hookers, sanction teen sexual activity, show cleavage to match plumber backside displays, and dress erotically. Men just go on their merry way eyeballing exposed skin and dreaming wishfully about going from older blossom to younger blossom. Boys exploit girls as ‘friends with benefits’.