1827. Sex Difference Redux—Part 75: Her Promise Outranks Her Beauty

Women fashion their appearance to always be sexually attractive. She expects to not only attract a man but keep him after their first sex together bonds them tightly in a lasting relationship. She hopes far too much and depends on what doesn’t work.

Men live contrary to that female expectation. The male nature treats women differently according to these groupings. 1) Sexually attractive and unconquered, which men incidentally see as beauty. 2) Conquered by him and he may or may not see promise in her. In either case, she no longer reflects the beauty he beheld pre-conquest. 3) Others of non-sexual interest that may or may not hold promise for him. They’re important, but we can ignore them here.

Before conquest, men see beauty and chase after sex. After conquest, beauty morphs into promise and men evaluate and perhaps exploit that. The successful conqueror sees promise in her for filling different roles in his life. He looks for and evaluates her promise as great or steady sex, booty call, steady girlfriend, have her live in, move into her place, supporter and encourager of his work effort, potential wife, mother of his children. If he sees too little or no promise of interest to him, then he finds an easy or abrupt way to depart.

The promise he sees in her is the final return on investment she receives for their first sex together. Pre-conquest, her promise was developing but subordinate to her beauty. Post-conquest, the promise he beholds dominates his decisions.

——

Men see sexual attractiveness as beauty. It lures and guides their hunter-conqueror persona toward first-time sexual relations with female targets. Hoping he will bond during sex, women misinterpret the result of conquest. Relative to her, the conqueror is a different man than the one who bedded her.

Out of curiosity to know her better in order to bed her, a prolonged chaste courtship keeps masculine imagination focused on uncovering whatever promise she holds for him. The courtship process enables her to disclose her character and personality for him to interpret and convert into promise for his life. She’s not the promise that she verbalizes.The more he figures her out for himself, the more impressionable and convincing her promise is to him.

Once they have sex together, his curiosity and imagination move on to other things in his life. Whatever her promise at conquest, it’s effectively sealed against further growth. Conquest convinces him that’s he’s right, and he knows the promise she holds for him.

Pivoting on conquest, promise outranks beauty. Beauty attracts but promise keeps a man. Those are the causes and effects that flow out of the male and female natures when women depend on sexual attractiveness to keep their man. It doesn’t work, because men are different.

1799. Sex Difference Redux—Part 50: Conquest Changes Her Too

Two conquerors face off. From before their first date, he seeks to conquer her for sex. After a date or three at the latest, she seeks to conquer him for marriage. The winner becomes the major influence in their relationship.

A man leads two lives with every woman to whom he is attracted. He is one way before he conquers her. He changes after conquest (details at #1759) and shapes their relationship around ‘rights of conquest’ to which he is entitled by virtue of having earned it. (It’s his nature.)

The woman also changes after yielding sex the first time with a man. He exploits his conqueror’s rights and his attitude about subsequent sexual and relationship events surprises her. His unexpected change forces her to face the contradiction that he didn’t bond as she did. It forces her to change too but defensively.

His nature causes it. The ease with which she yields the first time tells him how assertively dominant he can be and how submissive he expects her to be. For practical purposes, it’s proportional. The easier she yields, the more submissive he expects her to be. The more assertively, reasonably, justifiably, and longer she defends herself and refuses his pleadings and threats, the less dominant he expects to be in her life. (She sends confounding and perhaps confusing messages but the overall reception by him is to consider her expectations superior to his conquering spirit.)

To delay his conquest, she repeatedly denies going beyond foreplay that she can handle. She teaches him to romance her, show affection, please her, and show habitual intimacy. Thus, she sets faithful and admirable examples, and he becomes an ardent fan of hers—provided he’s after her and not just after sex. (If he doesn’t act in adaptive ways to honor her expectations, he won’t honor her hopes and dreams later in life. The differences qualify or disqualify him as her potential mate; she need only decide which.)

After conquest, he assumes control of their sexual agenda. Some women ignore or rebel and try to work it backwards. They yield easily and provide sex aplenty in order to keep him around. Then, after marriage, they try to manipulate him by withholding sex. They make three mistakes: 1) Sex before marriage does not bond or hold him. 2) She is justified and expected to protect her assets just as he protects his freedom, so she’s free to hold out for marriage. 3) Manipulation breaks a man’s bond.

Sex after marriage is totally his due, because he gave up his freedom for her in exchange for frequent and convenient sex-on-demand. If she expects greater respect than having husband always demanding sex, she needs to earn more unconditional respect before conquest. What she earns then lingers within him, while the respect she earns after conquest is very conditional and easily fades (again, it’s the male nature.)

Males insist on sex without marriage, because impatience and reluctance to yield their independence flood the conquering spirit. By yielding too early, women go along to get along. Thus, they add strength and right-mindedness to masculine domination. Manly behavior is thus made easier and womanly behavior more submissive.

Women that yield easy sex trap themselves on this multiple lane highway of pain and misery: Hook up, link up, shack up, marry up, muck up, ‘fess up, split up, pay up, and end up looking to start over with knock up somewhere along the way. The path is direct; ignore the female strength of refusing sex to gain a better life and expect misery to follow.

A man’s admiration and unconditional respect for a female as a distinctly different sexual person stops growing after she first yields sex to him. The longer and more successfully she holds out for marriage before sex, the more admiration and lasting respect she earns from him.

Female misery for capturing a husband starts with yielding before he becomes devoted to her. Who does what after that is moot. Women still lose and click and drag themselves into the recycle bin, from which many never escape. (Of course men threaten to dump a woman if she does not submit. Extortion comes easily to men when pursuing an unconquered sex target. His threats, however, confirm that he’s only after sex and not her. Holding out during a long courtship is how she determines whether his true intentions aim for her or just for sex.)

Because sex bonds women, they mistakenly assume that it bonds men. His devotion to a woman developed through a sex-free courtship bonds a man, and marriage seals the deal. In the final analysis, men do whatever women require in order for men to have frequent and convenient access to sex.

1771. Sex Difference Redux — Part 25: Love VIII (w/ Kathy Petersen)

Boyhood Features

The subject remains how men love differently than women. Boyhood shapes the man, and mother shapes boyhood when father is absent physically (or mentally a.k.a. disruptively for child-raising). So, for simplicity let’s assume a single mom with only one son hopes to teach him how to be a better man when he grows up.

Her female nature fully equips her with enough knowledge unless she falls prey to doing what sounds better than she thinks, what others claim to be desirable, or what seems to be popular. The farther she deviates from her feminine nature as loveable mother generally, nurturer during his toddler years, leader in the tween years, and coach after puberty, then the poorer the job she will do.

Anyone forced to compensate for someone else has a hard time of it. They often do what doesn’t work well. They try too hard. They compensate contrary to their objective. Without knowing it, single moms too easily end up pressuring boys into disregarding what mom tries to teach. As the result, boys are poorly indoctrinated about how to love and display affection for females.

So first, let’s examine the more unknown but vital features of the male nature that she likely faces.

• This natural operant dominates the learning behavior of boys: What a boy is taught that makes him feel more mature than he expects, he heeds as adult-like, enjoyable, and memorable as part of life. What he’s purposely taught that makes him feel immature he absorbs as distrust and resents it in the present, disdains it for his future, suspects the motive, and disrespects the teacher.
• When he senses pressure, the male nature rams a boy’s thinking into this mold: If you don’t trust me, I don’t respect you. Consequently, micromanaging a boy’s life too easily earns disrespect for mom. A bolder aspect of the male nature prescribes that someone not respected can’t be loved.
• A micromanaged and overly supervised boy can’t grow with and falls behind his peers. Mom makes choices for him. Social skills don’t develop well, and extreme behaviors build up. Such boys are teased, mocked, shamed, and withdraw into themselves. They also tend to harbor great anger and even urges to violence. Mom trying to substitute for missing father can cause the same results. (Look for it in the recent shooting in Connecticut.)
• The male nature is highly sensitive against being told HOW to do something. When told WHAT to do with respect added, males typically do it with far more alacrity than when told HOW. The value to mom lies here: Assign responsibilities to him but let him determine the details of how to do it. Slowly and indirectly promote his doing a better job until he’s proud and she’s satisfied. (Many micro responsibilities slightly beyond his maturity encourage development of his decision-making and self-confidence; the good mom puts up with poorly done jobs until his practice makes perfect or at least adequate.)
• Other helpful features of the male nature appear earlier in this series starting at daily post 1764.

If the single mom heeds those male features in all that she does, she’s on the right road to teaching her boy to be affectionate with women later in his life. Also, by respecting and giving due regard to those male features, she loves him.

However, a loving mother doesn’t make her loveable. Many ‘unloveable’ actions must be avoided, which is the subject of tomorrow’s post.

1408. Validating Husband—Doting Wife

Her Highness Not-so-annonymous Anne (aka Annonymous) seeks to better understand her marital dynamics. Earlier she provided info that prompted 1405. At post 855 she explains further and stimulates two articles, yesterday’s (1407) and this one. Today’s post springs from this part of Anne’s comment:

“(On second thought, I DID change, and that seems to be something you’ve said husbands do NOT want to see. Even if I thought my change away from super-independent woman to doting wife was “for the better,” maybe he did not. Is it possible he wants me to have stayed that way and just sort-of got bored with the “new [super-devoted] me”?!)”

The short answer is probably yes. Details follow about wifely behaviors on the spectrum from doting to prudence.

‘Doting’ at one end means demonstrating great love and fondness for someone. Synonyms: loving, devoted, affectionate. Go too far and wife loses and her marriage crumbles. These are too far:

• Wives whose conscientiousness exceeds their education about the male nature tend to become too doting.
• Her ONLY guides for good wifeing are her conscience, her drive to live up to the expectations of others outside her marriage, or her dedication to religious and moral principles that can have multiple meanings when being translated by her trying to live with a man.
• She’s overly attentive with excessive concern, caring, and affection usually translated as ‘mothering him’.
• She tries ever harder because nothing she does seems to work as she expects. She follows up by misinterpreting husband’s feedback until much relationship damage is done or it’s too late.
• She has dedicated herself to being the ideal or perfect wife.
• She tries to please herself by pleasing her husband. She uses her intentions rather than his expectations. She ignores logic. She repeatedly exerts more of herself in response to his not reacting as she expects, and so she becomes ever more doting.
• The more she dotes, the more he withdraws. She selfishly tries to earn more of husband’s attention, affection, respect, and favor. The more he fails to respond, the sooner she puts on the martyr’s crown. It has the unfortunate effect of closing her mind to other options. Martyrdom is quite glorifying, or so she thinks, and she keeps inflicting the same punishment and guilt upon herself. Husband meanwhile and guilt-free has been reaching for the ejection handle.
• If she tries to make husband like her as a great and noble wife, she fails. She comes across as trying too hard and he thinks he’s not worth it. The more humans try to make someone like them, the more likely they fail. Such people become unlikeable. It never works because the target loses respect for the person trying. In the sales game, the harder a salesman tries to convince the buyer that he the salesman knows what’s best for the buyer, guess what happens. No sale!

Responding to Her Highness Anne expanded into two articles. Tomorrow’s post describes the prudent wife.

941. Sex Differences Do Matter #02

• Her nature seeks togetherness and favors personal warmth. His nature seeks freedom and favors personal privacy.
• The male nature does not accept her sexual past with the casual and forgetful manner that she can accept his. (Nature shuns equality, and people have to work to even achieve fairness.)
• He doesn’t feel weary, but she sees it in his face. She feels weary, but he doesn’t see it.
• The promise of frequent and convenient sex earns a man’s commitment. The promise of close companionship earns a woman’s commitment.
• Male dependability earns devotion that holds a woman. Female inner beauty earns devotion that holds a man.
• Women talk to men, but men don’t listen. (It’s a dominance thing.) Men talk to women, but women don’t hear. (It’s rejection of his dominance; she knows a better way.)
• Men pursue significance (which enables a woman to depend on him). Women pursue harmony (which makes husbands expect it in the home).
• Sex means short term to men, because they can live in the present. Sex means long term for women, because they need and use it to brighten their future.

818. Quips from Mrs. Guy #6

Dear Ladies,

Women could adopt many a motto for their gender. One of my favorites deserves mention by itself:

• Learn to give and you learn to live.

Until you experience joy from giving, you won’t fully enjoy the pleasure of living. It’s feminine nature in action. If you desire to be more feminine, find more ways to give of yourself.

Guy can explain the reasons it works so well. The following comes from him.

———————

Why and How It Works

Mrs. Guy cites the wonders of giving of yourself. Not gifting of objects but delivering unsolicited favors, words, and burden-lifting with two results: From your actions someone feels better about their self, and you are rewarded with pleasurable thoughts about yourself.

You give yourself to your children, and we call it unconditional love. But you love your husband conditionally. Giving of yourself pushes your love toward the unconditional and becomes a change agent to help turn romantic love into enduring love.

Actions program the subconscious mind. The more you give of yourself, the more you’ll give of yourself. The pleasurable thoughts you receive program your own mind to motivate you to do more of the same.

Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, but husband knows he deserve you. So, giving of yourself is something he ‘earned’. You’re always welcome to do it, but don’t expect that he’ll reciprocate until he ages into or beyond middle age.

Giving of one’s self is not inherent in the male nature. However, a wife that does it for years eventually finds that husband gets more like her. It’s the self-fulfilling prophecy effect: We become like those with whom we associate.

Mothers, especially those without husbands, often misplay it. They have so much love to give their children that they fall into indulgent love. They pamper and protect kids beyond what they need, and it stunts childhood development.

Their nature energizes females to extend themselves on behalf of others. The male nature does not. When women set the example by giving of themselves, men eventually catch on to the joy of giving—not all, but many do.

803. Boyfriend as King? Never! — Part A

Her Highness Anonymous inquired about boyfriend as king and what all it means.

Her goal: She should treat him such that he wants to stay with her forever, which means he becomes devoted to her and seeks to cherish her for life. It’s a tall order, and treating him as king before marriage leads to a temporary rather than permanent arrangement.

Anonymous asked: “What exactly does treating him as king entail?”

• She fears losing him more than he fears losing her, so she tries to sell herself as ideal for his companion/mate/date/girlfriend/wife.
• She wants him to feel good about her, so she repeatedly tries to keep him happy about her. At his slightest disappointments, she retreats into guilt mode.
• She tries to convince him that she’ll never drop him, or she could never devote herself to another man, or that he’s her one-and-only.
• She treats him royally and expects him to return it and be kingly benevolent. (Once he conquers her, benevolence does not remain top of mind to him, if it ever did.)
• She gives him anything he wants, before she finds out whether he’s truly after sex or her. (If he doesn’t have to devote himself to winning her endorsement of him as potential Mr. Right, she’ll not figure out if she outranks sex before she makes mistakes.)
• She gives freely what she wants to give him, because it makes her feel good to make him feel good. (This elevates his expectations to expect the same after marriage.)
• She tries to make herself worthy of him, instead of requiring him to make himself worthy of her. (The male nature too easily distrusts and even disrespects givers of unearned gifts and favors. Being producers, men appreciate highly what they have to work for.)
• She lets him get by dominating her and their relationship to the point of being offensive. (She loses self-respect and, consequently, his respect.)
• She doesn’t challenge his behavior inappropriate for the marriage she envisions with him. (Her challenges after marriage will ring hollow.)
• She accepts his values and standards about morality, courtesies, and mutual respect. Fearful of losing him, she buys into his habits (that she will later scorn).

The subject continues tomorrow in article #804.

777. The Blessings of Patriarchy — Chapter 6

MEN

• Men are driven to overcome Nature, compete with other men, and control human events. They need only a place to flop, eat, throw their things, and prepare for tomorrows’ battles.
• Fortunately, when political and economic freedom prevails, the greatest legacy of the competitive male nature emerges. Men compete against Nature and among themselves. Their achievements create wealth. This generates economic growth that brightens the future for women and children.
• However, while men produce and problem solve in the normal course of masculine life, their primal ambitions don’t include a female except for sex. Only well-prepared women can overcome the tsunami of resistance in men, when they’re asked to swap their independence for family responsibility.

The question asked in Chapter Three pops up rephrased: How do women capitalize on patriarchy to gain and protect their wealth and their children? The answer: Women capitalize on strengths and minimize weaknesses of both sexes.

Being the relationship experts, women make their relationships work better. They intuitively know how to massage the male ego, harness the masculine drive, and help recover from manly discouragements. They use femininity to add color to every man’s B&W world, and then each woman selects the best of those screened to help fulfill her own hopes and dreams.

Chapter 7 tomorrow ends the series and describes the need for mutual rewards.