Tag Archives: marriage

2057. Submissive #11 — Recovery Made Easy


Female indirectness and nudging has this inherently beautiful feature. Mistakes are the most minor, least offensive possible and therefore more easily recoverable. Trial and error feeling out a man’s preferences doesn’t cause terminal mistakes. Thus, feminine leadership by indirectness takes on the flavor of ‘it pleases me to please you’.

34. Despite what women are taught or presume, a submissive spirit tightens her relationship, strengthens her influence, and success calms her feminine ego. All three results favorably impact her primal need for a brighter future. [Guy adds: IOW she’s the main relationship driver unless she refuses or rejects gaining the most persuasive role for herself, which should commence with first date. It’s one of the greatest challenges for pre-conquest dating and courtship. Getting her man to conclude that beneath her hard-headed defense of her sexual assets lies a submissive spirit eager to arise and support him if they ever marry.]

35. Submission is what men call obedience they think they deserve in exchange for yielding independence and assuming responsibility to provide and protect. Her submissive spirit directly demonstrates support and indirectly shows gratitude for husband. [Guy adds: IOW, men think they deserve their woman’s submission more for what men do than who they are. When doubted or questioned, however, they fall back on entitlement. Also, the results that she produces out of her submissive spirit make up half of his payday for husbanding and fathering. The other half comes from his appreciation of what comes out of her mouth. The half-half ratio is subject to great variance as to time, place, and a couple’s relationship.]

36. He can best see things her way after her submissive spirit acknowledges his decision-making predominance. In that way, she dampens his dominance and makes him vulnerable to her female patience, feminine charm, and wifely indirectness. [Guy adds: With him vulnerable, wife can nudge adjustments to his decisions both proactively and reactively. When he responds agreeably to her nudging, she’s doing everything right to maximize her influence.]

37. He is primarily the provider-protector and focused on the here and now. He sees success as short term results—good job, income, home life. He knows who he is and where he is going. It is axiomatic that certain family domains are his responsibility and others are not. He concerns himself primarily with pushing that agenda where he expects to have undisputed authority. [Guy adds: All of that until, that is, she tames him into a lesser and usually more agreeable if not likeable autocrat. Which is an achievement made possible through the artistry of feminine nudging and indirect leadership.]

38. If she can’t submit, if she fights the idea, he will not commit—perhaps in words but not in his heart, that is. It doesn’t mean forever. He may commit later if he continues to perceives promise that she will ultimately buy into his expectations. [Guy adds: Before conquest, a guy likely will not expect her submission. He expects ardent defense of her sexual assets. She does wrong to convince him that she’s willing to be submissive before they marry. It programs his mind that she’s a pushover and urges him to try harder to overcome her hard-headed defense against conquest. It’s the idealized view, but she does best that enables her man to conclude that he buys her submission before marriage. She doesn’t give it away; he has to earn it.]

This series closes tomorrow with article #12.

 

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2051. Submissive #08 — Virtual Virginity Earns Less Submission


I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes. [Guy adds: ]

19. Virtual virginity softens his expectations that she submit to his natural dominance. It enables her to structure their relationship to her liking and suitability for marriage. [Guy adds: Female purity is a minor attraction. It’s all those men—unknown in name and number—that beat him to her, enable her to compare his performance, and cause him to imagine things that plague his memory. On top of that, who, when, why, how, and where will he face them? Men go deeply against their nature when they have to accept facing a man that previously slept with their woman. All the alibis in the world don’t assuage the hurt and perhaps hatred that he has to suppress. It’s most of the persistent grumble or worse that exists between mates when he knows of her sexual history. That modern men seem to accept their women having had previous lovers does not mean it doesn’t affect respect for her. Women loved less than they deserve is a direct function of less respect and seems to be a modern phenomenon, which is a direct reflection of her man’s knowledge and loathing of her sexual past.]

20. In the face of her ardent virtual virginity defense, a man will become or can be lured into an unnatural-for-males submissive spirit, a premarital sign of his devotion to her. The value of long courtship and engagement is this: Whatever dominant/submissive balance they achieve becomes habitual, and such habits structure the marriage. [Guy adds: Consequently, virtual virginity has more inherent influence with men than does actual virginity. True virginal innocence energizes a guy to be more dominant, to not let her escape, to be first. Virtual virginity enables her to shape their relationship.]

21. Recovery is everything. When wife continually acts like the boss, he feels insignificant, and this simultaneously makes her less attractive and other women more appealing. Perhaps unpleasant to accept, but the choice is hers. If she expects to keep him, she needs to sacrifice what is meaningful to him. He gave up his independence for her, so she must pay a price worthwhile to him. And the primal male nature calls submission the price. [Guy adds: When she suppresses her natural bossiness, she opens the door to her submissive spirit, which has far greater potential to bring harmony into their relationship.]

22. Fawning submission to husband produces loss of her self-respect and his consequent loss of respect of her. On the other hand, in-his-face refusals amount to challenging his sense of significance. Repeat refusals put her in the dumpee seat and his hand on the ejection lever. [Guy adds: Nothing works better than patience and indirectness to balance his expectation of submission with her submissive spirit—that thing so embedded in her heart that she is grateful for it. Virtual virginity opens the door to negotiation and it carries forward into marriage.]

23. The smart wife honors her husband’s role such that he doesn’t have to exploit his dominant nature, especially its explosive underside. Loss of temper makes him feel bad about himself (well hidden to be sure), which means he thinks less of her for having provoked it. [Guy adds: Her likeability and marital success depend on what he hears from her mouth. He doesn’t pay attention to what she says simply because he doesn’t like it or her for saying it.]

More will be posted tomorrow about a wife’s eternal battle with her man’s expectations.

 

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2049. Submissive #07 — Submissive is More Honorable


I continue with the list of situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes. Let me know if the subject is beginning to drag. I have other subjects that I can intersperse. There’s probably 4-6 dailies left in the submissive series—re-titled out of respect for that female blessing endowed at birth.

Nearly synonymous, I often interchange dominance and submission. It depends on which term seems to best fit the situation but in most cases it means the same thing to the woman on the receiving end of typical male expectations.

14. Competition in marriage favors the primary leader—the husband. Cooperation favors the rest of the team—wife/mother and children. Sustaining her team successfully without challenging his role and self-prescribed authority generates peace in the home, which he expects her to deliver. [Guy adds: From such generated peace with husband not interfering, relationship experts generate harmony. It’s a natural urge and it brightens the female future.]

15. The mutual exchange of spouses pleasing each other, combined with going along to get along, smooths out stormy marital ripples. What is the best model to produce it? Women visualize this model, one head of the family leaves room for one neck to turn the head. There’s much to be said for it for three reasons: 1) It works pretty well as a strategic model and discourages wife from wandering deeply into husband’s domains. 2) It proclaims her role to be subordinate and submissive and thus sounds okay to husbands to talk and even joke about it. 3) It casts her in the role of indirect leader rather than trying to lead husband directly by challenging his authority. [Guy adds: Even that model can be improved upon. I’ve described it elsewhere as a family rank structure. It embellishes the influence of the neck and softens the head’s need for dominance. It’s too lengthy for here, but if you’d like to see it let me know. I’ll put it aside for a few days.]

16. During dating, courtship, and engagement, women lay the groundwork to win or lose in the marital power game. As the relationship expert, a very feminine female knows intuitively how to expect and handle a man’s sense of dominance and his expectation for her submission. Unfortunately, not all women listen to their hearts; for various reasons they automatically give in to their man’s expectations. [Guy adds: When women forget or forego living by what their heart tells them, they weaken their political power in the home. For example: She knows that she deserves to be treated respectfully—first as person, second as wife/girlfriend/fiancée, third as prospective mate. When she lets the first sign of disrespect pass without mention, she opens the gate. More will follow. His disrespect poisons their relationship. The only antidote is to squelch it unflinchingly at the first instance and until it stops. Do whatever it takes. Of course, if he doesn’t stop after just a couple instances, he’s nowhere near Mr. Good Enough. Evidence of disrespect means that his respect is insufficient to generate more than just a little love in his heart. So, turn him into Mr. Dumped, because he will never become her Mr. Right even after decades of marriage.]

17. Each woman knows to compete to prevent conquest before she is ready for it. However, she isn’t aware of one part of the male nature. Her discouragement of his initiative wins his respect, which is the foundation of his love. After conquest, however, competing with him weakens her likeability, the very thing he expects to keep him in pursuit. [Guy adds: Directly resisting his dominance is to challenge him. He expects and accepts it before but not after conquest. Unfortunately, women have indirect ways of resisting submission after conquest, but it sours their own attitude and weakens their likeability.]

18. Her boyfriend’s dominant attitude is offensive, domineering, and borderline unacceptable. Red flags wave. What to do? She needs a boyfriend or potential groom. She may be desperate! This one may be her last chance! There have been so few possible candidates lately! What to do? [Guy adds: If she cannot stand to be that dominated before marriage, why should she expect him to be anything but worse after marriage? Men don’t change to please their woman except before conquest, and even that can be faked.]

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

 

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2048. Submission #06 — Courtship Alert


Out-shined yesterday by the article by My Husband’s Wife’s (at 2047), I nevertheless boost my spirits and continue with this series. As easily concluded from MHW, submission is merely a tradeoff for harmonizing a relationship. Men may demand it exclusively, but that makes it no more right that they are right about everything else. But women have to teach them the difference between submission and submissive, competition and cooperation, discord and harmony. Leadership by example is always the best teacher. It means the relationship expert must submit at times in order to teach her man to recognize, respect, and hopefully submit to her ways in domains for which she is responsible.

I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes.

9. This should be on her premarital checklist. Whether she and he are Christians or Bible believers or not, she can still ferret out some answers or spot red flags. She explores and discusses how each feels about each other relative to these passages and their present and future relationship: Ephesians 5:22-33. From what he says but mostly what he does, she should be able to determine—over a lengthy courtship—much about his worth to her.

10.With no CEO, families flounder from lack of leadership. With one CEO, they can thrive on effective leadership. Two CEOs invariably disagree, dispute, or fight over leadership issues and confuse each other and the kids. More importantly, spouses too easily succumb to blaming each other when things do not turn out as agreeably planned, expected, or predicted. Finger pointing both cripples leadership and injects sour notes into family harmony. The most acceptable and effective assigning of blame is the finger that points inward by the person responsible. (You can’t blame someone if they’re not clearly responsible and endowed with sufficient authority to do what they should. Also, they lack sufficient authority if their decisions are questioned or criticized. That is, their spouse fails to submit.)

11. People have to submit all the time. Children to parents. Parents to God. Employees to boss. In effect, submission is a natural function of any authority relationship. Authority exists to provide the essential influence in one’s domain to fulfill their responsibility. By clearing up lines of responsibility ahead of time between man and wife, authority becomes clearer. Submission of one to the other in the domains for which they are responsible can lead to reciprocity and freedom from debate, resistance, and resentment. Examples: 1) Mother is chief child-raiser, nurturer, and disciplinarian. Father is her main provider/protector, supporter, and backup in her domains. 2) His domain is the home as chief executive officer. Her domain is how everyone will live in it as she is the chief operating officer. When push comes to shove, each submits to the other’s decisions in their domains. (Advice to wives: Always indirectly, in various ways keep impressing husband with this thought. When you make his castle in your home, he loves it. But don’t tell him that when he makes his castle in your nest, you can’t live with it. Caution: If you make it your castle, he may not stay around very long.)

12. Aggressively or too assertively playing the power struggle game is dangerous to a marriage. Eventually destructive forces lead to split up. Without each spouse having a submissive spirit in the other’s domains, constant turf battles ensue. Prevention being better than cure, distinctly different domains for which each is responsible and has authority to control it helps clear the air for who submits on what issues. For example: Wife determines menus for home meals. Husband determines where they eat out. Although unstated, both yield in the other’s domain to encourage rather than expect that each please the other. IOW, mutual acceptance of domain assignments generates cooperation. Avoiding competitive situations helps prevent disagreement and stifle resentment.

13. The natural form of marriage works as a power game with a husband presuming himself to be on offense and wife on defense. Her best defense is to not lose whatever influence she has, which challenges her to fight back, which happens frequently in the early years of a marriage. If she loses her influential ability, it neutralizes her interest and de-energizes her spirit to cooperate. Her second best defense is to gain greater influence, which comes through patience, indirectness, and submission as appropriate for peaceful negotiation.

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

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NOTE: When I return to complete the Female Blessings at Birth series, I will be adding #91 phrased around this thought: Just as females are sex objects for men, men are romance objects for women. Without recognizing it, you’ve carried the conviction since birth.

 

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2038. Female Blessings at Birth — 55-57


This is the 19th group of three blessings that accompany women from birth and through the trials and tribulations of life. After publishing 54 blessings, the stats look like this:

  • Of 282 opinions cast on the first 54 blessings, 22 or 8% were false/questionable.
  • Only 15 blessings received false/questionable opinions. They received one or two but the “I am a great kisser” received the most — 4.

Of course there’s nothing scientific about the survey but then again, there’s nothing scientific about the blessings either. They mean nothing except theory except as women learn to use them to find gratitude within themselves—and perhaps reshape their lives contrary to the male-dominated pop culture and feminist-based values and outcomes that so demean women and deny children two-parent upbringing.

55. I believe that I can and will choose a superior mate—not superior of me but of others. After we marry, I can love him into changing whatever faults I discover I can’t live with. I don’t have faults but what my love will compensate. [Guy adds: Women are born with those almost contradictory beliefs. His faults she can’t see before the altar become visible soon after, which sets up the marital battleground that breeds competition and discourages her cooperative spirit. She has two battleground options but only one works to sustain the marriage. 1) Use indirect techniques, have patience, and allow time and his desire to please her which can enable and encourage him to morph from Mr. Good Enough into Mr. Right probably over the course of many years. 2) Set out purposely to change him soon for whatever reason and for whatever result.]

56. I determine my life and resolve my own problems, but sometimes I need help or advice. I don’t like it but when I accept blame for my own mistakes, I learn from the angst. It makes me more independent and considerate enough that I accept blame rather than impose it or let others assume it. [Guy adds: Your self-importance, self-worth, and self-image soar or nearly soar when you sacrifice yourself to lift blame from others, does it not?]

57. I can reward myself at the mirror in numerous ways such that when away I don’t crave as much attention as when I am not looking good. In other words, the better I feel about my appearance, the less confirmation I want, seek, or need. [Guy adds: The mirror and chatting with your best-friend image refills your heart with gratefulness for you, or you’re not doing it right.]

Thank you for your confirmation, doubt, or disagreement. More blessings from the list will follow in a day or two.

 

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2026. Likeability — Part II


Better than love, I like another term that makes both sexes more comfortable in marital problem solving—likeability. Keeping a constant but mostly silent watch on mutual likeability enables women to more easily detect and retune disharmony before major problems erupt. And so, I aim this short series at relationship experts who hope to improve their techniques.

As the gauge of marital compatibility, women usually use ‘love’ with all its variances and connections. They start thinking he doesn’t love me anymore or similar thoughts with accusations often included. It focuses her thinking on blaming him without provoking any self-talk about her involvement, as if she’s either innocent or free of blame. It’s a natural response; she never intended to do anything that would cause his unlikeable behavior, disruptive attitude, lessened interest, or weaker love. However, blame immediately diverts both their attentions away from minor and toward bigger and more blame-worthy issues and accusations.

Each spouse’s likeability determines the extent to which the other wants to be in their presence, enjoy their company, live together permanently. It’s the magnet of friendliness, kindness, and companionship. The enjoyment of just being around the other. Wives have to sacrifice much of it after marriage. Natural motivational forces energize husbands to forego much of the intimate togetherness that wives wish or crave.

Her likeability is built on the foundation of who she was when he waited at the altar. Courtship taught him the meaning of her presence in his life. As she grows (or wilts) out of that persona, her likeability declines. His respect and love of her may go up, but it does not follow that her likeability will also. Respect and love have different roots; her likeability is rooted in their courtship and the promise he perceived in her as his supporter and junior partner for his workaday life.

Her man’s likeability is rooted in her dreams of how she will shape their married life. Her dreams, however, don’t include a full understanding of his nature. His marital responsibility, job obligation, ambition, and primal urge to accomplish things push him to yield the enjoyment of her presence in favor of his many missions in life. When he falls from grace as part of her dreams, his likeability declines.

I propose a new set of thoughts to overcome her natural but unproductive response dealing with it as a love issue. Constantly but quietly weigh their relationship in terms of self, matching, and mutual likeability. Keep tabs on it for him, her, and us. Don’t constantly focus on the big things for which she naturally worries such as love, finances, or sex. Become more aware of the little things that rattle their cage of reciprocal likeability.

For example, she’s teed off at his laziness because her honey-do list grows longer. How does her reaction to that conclusion make her appear likeable or unlikeable to him? Would she have reacted that way during courtship? She can read his reaction to however she expresses her dissatisfaction. In his view, do her words and attitude make her more or less likeable? Given her mood, does he enjoy her presence?

I believe that signs of one liking the other are better indicators both of love and of disturbances in their relationship. Discrepancies are easier to see, harder to defend, and less accusatory when kept at a simpler level than the complexities of understanding mutual love. Moreover, it encourages relationship experts to take advantage of this fundamental principle of life: One is never wrong who takes the blame so that others avoid it.

For example: She turns careless and sloppy about her appearance soon after marriage. Or, her cooking turns from prepared at home to carry-out. Or, she insults him in front of others. Or she fails on her promises. He expects her not to change from whom he married but she does, so he’s not at fault. He takes offense—silently. He has no relationship management skills. Unsure of what to do, he weighs the expected consequences and finds her less likeable. However, she reads the silence in him and is enabled to inquire as if she is to blame, which is the tactic that causes him to open up. She can open discussion by asking questions that harbor no blame. Presuming to take the blame for whatever has happened, she learns what’s bothering him. Out of that, she can figure out what she wants to do about it.

For example: He starts working longer hours when it appears unnecessary from her view. Or, he flirts with other women in front of her. Or, he quit taking care of and keeping her car washed. Before she accuses him of something concocted in her imagination—he doesn’t love her anymore or he’s having an affair—she presumes that she’s less likeable for some reason. And so she inquires. Honey, have I been pleasing you enough lately? Are you displeased with me? Do I provide what you need when you need it? How can I do more for you? Fix meals more closely aligned with your schedule? Greet you after work in my nightie? Fix your breakfast before I go to church? Keep the kids quieter while you study? Let you sleep longer on the weekends? Take aspirin before bedtime?

When romantic or enduring love starts to fade in the eyes of either spouse, suspicions arise, faultfinding emerges, and mutual appreciation becomes un-mutual. Potholes appear in his road to marital satisfaction. Her road to happiness narrows, needs repairs, and the detours re-route her. On the other hand, likeability is far less volatile as subject of discussion and therefore less disruptive and more easily addressed without blame attached.

Battling over whether one’s love is sufficient for the other induces just blame and excuses. Operating as if likeability is the primary glue reduces problems instead of growing them. Small problems are more easily resolved peaceably. Relationship harmony is more easily maintained.

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NOTE: Ladies, this is a new subject that I have been working on for some time. I’m confident about the concept and process but less so about the clarity and completeness of the series. You can help me present more or a better view by questioning/challenging specific points to which I can rebut and elaborate. IOW do what you do best and works best for me. Thanks for the help or even thoughtful consideration. Guy

 

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2022. Recovery from Husband’s Wronging Her


This article responds to two ladies’ comments at post 2020.

Pinging off Cinnamon’s initiative, Her Husband’s Wife describes frequent wifely problems in this clear and simple process.

1. Husband trips up and does something wrong.
2. Wife reacts with angry outburst or motherly scolding.
3. Husband either fights or flights from wife. (His behavior worsens).
4. As the husband’s behavior “worsens” the woman tells other women about her husband’s bad behavior.
5. Other women rally on wife’s side against husband and tells wife to not let this go, get in his face, show him who’s boss etc. The wife elevates herself as being better than her husband or remains in “victim” mode to receive sympathy.
6. Husband’s doesn’t respond well to any of this.
7. A wedge is put between husband and wife.

Review that process and note how two threads weave through it. a) Women are processors and tend to keep things going; inequalities must be addressed and resolved. Men are producers and tend to seek final results. Hence, men go into fight or flight mode easily and fake settlement until the process ends their way.

b) Of course he starts the process by doing something wrong, but that too springs from his nature. His conquest before marriage empowers him with conqueror’s right. She is his. He ‘owns’ her and especially their sexual agenda. It gives him some measure of residual independence that he exemplifies from time to time after marriage. I don’t claim it’s right, equal, or even fair. Only that his heart and mind are hardwired that way from birth. Whatever deviation or special adjustment a man makes comes from being taught greater respect for females and originates before puberty. Or, conqueror’s right is severely weakened by her conquering him for marriage before he conquers her for sex. (But then after marriage it’s easier but not certain for her to lose respect for him—but that’s another story.)

——

What’s the solution? Cinnamon advised a friend this way: “…whether he was in the wrong is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT because men don’t like to be berated and criticized by women, and consider it disrespectful when a woman does this, under any circumstance. I told her that her daughter should have ignored the behavior and been cordial to him when he got home but not overly friendly, to pull back just a little bit in order to signal her displeasure but in a subtle way.” It’s a good start on the process of ending a disruption.

Women, being processors, should be able to work the forthcoming recovery fairly easy as it capitalizes on female strengths inherited at birth, For example, patience, soft-heartedness, hard-headedness, future more important than the present, fear of abandonment, ability to find gratefulness in little things, urge to nest even stronger than urge to love someone, and urge to heal others’ wounds. Plus, women have adaptability and survivability skills that make females the superior sex and enable women to naturally generate balance with male dominance.

Now, imagine this. A woman offended immediately ends the process at step 1 above and invokes a new process by and only within herself. He never hears her take exception to his wronging her. Her ordeal ends for him except as his conscience begins to smolder with guilt and regret, which she should neither expect nor be surprised when it emerges. In her mind, she puts him aside as a participant. She works through it all by herself. Now, this process is written for the severest or repeated wrongs. If an offense is less severe, ease off at appropriate places in the process.

  1. She reminds herself that she’s the relationship expert and he’s an uninterested party only for this process. It’s all up to her and she doesn’t seek advice of girlfriends or family. It’s her ballgame to pitch her way such that husband learns who she is internally rather than what others influence her to become. She aims to settle them into a two-sided mating that depends on no outside influences. (If she must talk to someone, let it be her mirror image, her best friend.)
  2. Her objective: Let him figure out himself what, how, when, where, and even if he wants to please her. When it’s his idea and he repeats pleasing her many times to correct his wrong, it becomes habitual, which makes him uncomfortable at displeasing her. That is what it takes for him to NOT “trip up and do something wrong” in the future.
  3. She keeps to herself disappointment in him. She stops all bossing. She stops all criticizing him as she did previously. In all matters dealing with him, she uses indirectness, seed planting, hints, and other signs that she regards him in a different light. He reads her that he’s respected less and has to earn her favor even in things disconnected from his offense. However, he’s guilty of nothing but his original offense. She never acknowledges or confirms lack of respect of him as her husband, home CEO, dependable provider/protector, or any other role he fills satisfactorily.
  4. She tries to forgive him without ever muttering a word about it to him. Forgiveness is more for her than for him. When she finally does forgive him, she doesn’t tell him until he works his way back into her good graces over an extended period of time.
  5. He knows that he’s disappointed her. As she keeps her thoughts to herself, she earns his respect. It’s not too unlike earning his respect by keeping her legs crossed during dating and courtship.
  6. If he wants to talk, explain himself, or confess, she listens but says nothing except “Okay” or “I accept what you say.” Let him talk his way into expressing regret, asking forgiveness, and making promises as he sees fit and on his own time and opportunity. He’s the home CEO. He’s the leader. Let him lead. Make it his show, let him express his regrets all alone without her offering criticism, condemnation, judgment, or even encouragement. If he doesn’t earn her forgiveness with more than a few words and subsequent actions over an extended time, he will not appreciate her gift of forgiveness. If she forgives easily, he doesn’t appreciate it fully but learns what works the next time he needs to seek it. So, this process of hers should last for many months and perhaps years.
  7. Of course the question comes up about sex. If he didn’t cheat, his offense should have no effect on their sexual behavior. If he did, it’s another question addressed in the blog. On the CONTENT page at blog top, search for “cheat.”

By her invoking that recovery process, she sets him aside to live with his heart and mind to open and accumulate regrets. Without inputs from her about his doing her wrong, his curiosity stirs his imagination and his conscience. Only out of that mix do regrets compound into behavioral changes.

 

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