435. Self-forgiveness

A 22-year old college woman asked me: What can a woman do to gain confidence back [after she dishonors her vow to chastity] so that she may feel motivated to practice virtual virginity? These starters may help:

First, forgive yourself. If you believe in the Lord, also seek it from Him. We all make mistakes. This means that recovery is everything, and the following shows a lot about how to do it.

Second, forget uplifting your self-esteem. Time, along with trust in the Lord, does that better than anything else. But read post #11 anyway.

Third, the guilt you feel is insignificant to the faulty character of the guy responsible. You showed great self-dedication holding him at bay for a couple years. He showed cowardly irresponsibility by running away after victory. His conquering spirit was actually that of an adolescent con man. He won’t grow out of that persona either. Who wants that for a mate? Can he be depended on? Trusted? Even wanted? Pity his next girlfriend.    

Fourth, work to improve your self-image. This takes accomplishments. It’s the picture you have of yourself in terms of roles, capabilities, strengths, and other blessings that God and Nature endowed you with. I offer a few suggestions:

·        Change your lifestyle to anything desirable that will focus your mind on other things. For example, if you don’t exercise, start. If you do, change modes. If you don’t cook, learn. If you don’t eat alone, learn to enjoy it. Increase your efforts to relate with and give to others. If you don’t go to church. Start. If you do, become more regular and purposeful. (Also read post #42.)  

·        Re-identify your hopes and dreams. Commit to the personal policies, practices, and standards that will fulfill them for you.

·        Get a makeover. Not for the guys, but for yourself. Makeover your lifestyle. Move to greater femininity as defined by women (but not young men who now tie feminine and skank together).   

·        Get a hairstyle that requires heavy maintenance. Then spend more time grooming yourself in a mirror. Researchers claim no benefits come to hair stroked 100 times a day. However, self-image benefits come from preening yourself. They load you up with a self-image more appealing to you. Waste time on yourself, and it will help you overcome guilt.

Fifth, don’t look for outside help. Don’t complain, don’t explain. Just take all matters in your own hands and handle them with the talent and skills you have. Follow the old maxim: If it is to be, it is up to me.

Sixth, keep this in mind: Depression comes from losing one’s sense of control over events and their life. Get more active, and you’ll drive away any tendency toward depression.

NOTE: I tip my hat in honor of the pretty and self-sufficient coed that inspired this post.

291. Sex and the fickle girl — Part 13

♀  She can’t fix her love life, if she can’t call it broke because of her misapprehensions, miscues, and mistakes dealing with her man. Blaming him takes her eye off her relationship expertise. (She chose him, her decision prevailed.)

♀  Women look for love in all the wrong places. His love never blossoms or seldom lasts, when she places his showing affection ahead of her showing respect, his fashion-plate image ahead of his rugged individualism, his hunkiness ahead of his character.

♀  Women expect men to hear what was never said. Men cannot, will not, or do not follow a woman’s verbal meanderings and impreciseness as other women can, will, and do.

♀  People miss a major point about teaching abstinence for teens. Girls firm up their confidence, expand interpersonal skills, and boost their relationship expertise by repeatedly saying ‘No’. Boys learn what’s permissible, acceptable, and valuable in the female world.

♀  Pretty women are treated better, and any woman can be prettier. Clothes and grooming impress both men and women.

♀  It’s rhetorical, but why do women try so hard to please men with sex but not please them with feminine charm, beauty, and strength of character that men admire? Men admire beauty, but they use sex.

♀  Shack up as substitute for or step toward marriage puts a couple’s destiny in the man’s hands. (Also, eighty percent of marriages fail after escalation from cohabiting.)

[More about sex and fickle females appears in posts 259, 246, 229, 216, 201, 184, 170, 160, 148, 137, 93, and 34. Scroll down or search by the number followed by a dot and space.]

261. Newlywed Bonding #7 — Look, then leap

Here’s more to help guide newlyweds. These principles, beliefs, attitudes, and convictions can be tailored to fit or rejected by each couple to help fulfill their hopes and dreams. Advice is labeled as such.

♂$♀  Budgeting comes easily if a couple focuses on building a successful mixture of spousal interaction. Lots of imagination, small bits of will power, negotiable cooperation, and frequent confirmation of mutual trust can all be energized through the budgeting process.

♂$♀  Ignore what’s past. Assume decisions already made were sound at the time. Else, you would not have made them. Hindsight sees too many mistakes; those little buggers trigger spousal disputes. Why pay attention to what can haunt, irritate, and demotivate you or generate distrust for spouse or your budgeting process?

♂$♀   Pay yourself first: Save at least 10% off the top for long term savings for home purchase and retirement. Otherwise, late in life you will limp financially before physically. It’s best the other way around.  

♂$♀  At the start of the year, allocate for church giving and short-term savings to cover Christmas and vacation spending. Then, commit to not overspending on the last two items.

♂$♀  This is ADVICE: Determine the level, develop a plan, and purposely live a lifestyle at considerably less than 100 percent of income. Doing it is critical; the percentage goal is less so.

Evil incardnate comes in next post.

[More about newlyweds appears at posts 257, 254, 247, 242, 230 and 224. Scroll down or search by number with dot and space following it.]

222. Female dominance: Gone! —Part 6

Females succumb to male expectations and standards, which lower their value as mates. They accept commitment instead of taking time to generate a man’s devotion.

⌂ Commitment promises togetherness with her. ♥ Devotion delivers his dedication to her.

⌂ Commitment only promises to rule out other women. ♥ Devotion delivers it, because she’s worth not losing.

⌂ Commitment signals she’s worthy enough for him. ♥ Devotion signals she’s more than worthy for him.

⌂ Commitment’s promise of togetherness may last or not, because only time and future tell. ♥ Devotion to her lasts even though living together may not happen.

⌂ Commitment dies easily under daily pressures that eat away at promises and togetherness. ♥ Devotion of self to one person triggers a man’s nature to provide and protect against life’s pressures.  

⌂ Promises require no work at the present. ♥ Devotion exhibits personal sacrifices today.

⌂ Commitment is a two-way, negotiated exchange of obligations. ♥ Devotion is one-way verbal and physical communication aimed at inspiring two-way dedication.

⌂ Commitment leaves room to blame her for togetherness problems. ♥ Devotion bonds him more tightly and inspires him to blame everything else before her.

⌂ Commitment has no obligation to excuse a mate’s mistakes. ♥ Devotion finds excuses to protect one’s mate.

⌂ Promises make only vague and risky commitment, as females see it. ♥ Women crave someone’s devotion.

Commitment is infatuation, lust, love, or maybe empty words. The only proof lies in the absence of breaking up.

Devotion is observable. He courts her delicately and doesn’t push too hard for conquest, because he’s afraid of losing her.

NOTE: She did it again. The nice lady that inspired post 219 also inspired this one.

[More on the shattering of female dominance appears at posts 209, 194, 173, 159, and 151.]

212. Virtual Virginity #12

© Unmarried sex causes couples to over-commit and under-connect.

© Until she yields sex, her value goes up increasingly to each man chasing her. People instinctively value highly what they cannot have.

© Everybody makes mistakes. Recovery is everything, and virtual virginity provides it for past sexual mistakes.

© Avoiding life as an ex comes easier to the woman that elevates and honors her sexual assets above marriage.  

© Refusing to have unmarried sex forces a man to prove himself worthy of her and capable of fulfilling her expectations for home and family. Else, he’s after sex and not her.

© Scoring with a hard-to-get woman elevates a man’s sense of significance, but it’s more ego than conviction.

© The woman that a man respects and honors adds to his convicted sense of significance, whether they are sex partners or not.

© Refusing to have sex with an attractive man requires strength of character to keep from turning him off. Hard-headed feminine gentleness helps.

© A woman’s biggest challenge is to keep from being eager or desperate to have a boyfriend, dates, sex, or whatever else she thinks she has to have for the short term.

[More about virtual virginity appears in posts 198, 181, 169, 158, 147, 136, 125, 96, 70, 51, 44, and 25. Scroll down or search for the number with a dot and space following.]

14. When women are loose, they lose

When most females ‘put out’ easily and casually, sexual relations work against female safety. Males hitting on a female take rejection personal, as female condemnation. She carries what he is after, but when sex is cheap, the male nature pushes hormonally for sex and not the female. Rejection spawns bitterness, aggression, and violence. Rejection imagined as extremely personal turns boys, and those men who can’t handle it, toward extreme aggressiveness and even violence. 

When No Sex without Marriage is the strategy used by most women and honored by girls, males do not so easily take rejection personal. If rebuffed, they assume her personal character and standards reject his invitation, so females are not rejecting his person. This turns men away from competing for sex for its own sake and pushes them to compete for a woman rather than sex. This requires and males accept and rationalize that they must suppress aggressiveness and violence. In this way, the sexual habits of most females govern the level of male aggression and violence.

11. Self-esteem—simple or psychobabble?

Many people suffer low self-esteem—defined here as how well one likes and appreciates oneself. The easiest route to improvement lies through one’s self-image or self-concept as some call it—defined here as one’s picture of Self. People can improve self-esteem by consciously working to improve their role in the world—the who and what of their Self—while trying their best to ignore dislike for themselves.

For women, self-laudatory accomplishments of little things help—for example, saving more money, cooking new dishes, earning praise at school or work, becoming more punctual, memorizing verse, reading a worthwhile book, dumping bad habits, learning new skills, volunteering for charity work. It’s important to remember successes, forgive and forget mistakes, and this encourages one to keep driving onward.

Better clothing and more attentive grooming helps immensely. Paying greater attention to her appearance programs her subconscious with many improvements about who and what she is. For example, it’s anachronistic, but 100 hair brush strokes daily helps even though modern researchers claim healthier hair does not result. The time spent brushing in the mirror is productive. Her female nature energizes her to make the most of what she’s got, and so she easily comes up with new ideas for better grooming and appearance.

Whether brushing hair or not, as she daily devotes more time and energy to better grooming, the small improvements she perceives improve her self-image. Each day‘s success—whether recognized by others or just her—makes her feel better about her female self. The better she looks to herself, often measured by the reaction of others, the faster she learns in iddy-biddy steps to like her female self. So, women less successful as female should look to exercising greater self-control over what they can change—their self-image. Improved sense of greater fulfillment will follow.