Tag Archives: mother

1743. Hope, Respect, and Trust — Part II


Mothers, fathers, and other leaders commit one particular flagrant violation that disrupts the process of generating reciprocal respect and mutual influence.

They see a child or employee do something wrong. Instead of focusing on the undesirability of the results, they focus on the offender. Parents often yell and other leaders pointedly say or imply, “Why did you do that? What were you thinking?” They ask or imply, “How could you have been so stupid, dumb, or careless?” Such reactions are common, right? Say, Yes.

Here’s the shocker that such mothers, fathers, and other leaders don’t recognize. Asking such questions immediately shows disrespect for the wrongdoer’s reasoning, judgment, and ability. Only spiteful people try to screw up the things they are supposed to do. Most likely, whatever the offender did was done with no malice aforethought and for reasons they thought appropriate at the time. In short, they’re not as screwed up as the results they produced. They erred, miscalculated, or mistook something they thought would work. In any event, recovery is everything, and they learned how not to do it in the future and probably long before the condemning leader came down on them. Given the time to mull over the result they produced, they feel confident they can figure out how to do it right the next time. (We all learn most effectively by doing something wrong the first time.)

The point is this: Just the process of asking ‘why did you do that’ or words to that effect bring a culprit’s character, reasoning, and judgment into question. It challenges the wrongdoer’s self-respect. In the case of males, it also disrupts his sense of self-admiration and, consequently,weakens his interest in figuring out how to do better the next time. In the case of females, it disfigures their sense of self-importance by unintentionally displeasing someone.

It gets worse in the home. Siblings pick up on parental questioning of a particular child’s repeated mistakes or misbehavior; the child must always explain himself. Siblings carry it into adult life and easily doubt or question why their brother or sister does certain things with what appear to be dubious reasons. They carry parental habits forward long after the parents are gone, which effectively weakens family glue between adult siblings.

Mutual respect and mutual influence are severely weakened by the simple expedient of calling someone’s character, reasoning ability, and judgment into question. The leader may think it’s only a question. Wrongdoers take it far more personal and also as nullifying the confidence and regard in which leader holds them. When wrongdoers see disrespect aimed at them, their trust of the leader wanes ever more rapidly with each incident, and the leader’s effectiveness as an influencer fades.

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767. Beware Red Flags — Part 3


Her Highness Sara prompted this series asking about identifying Mr. Right. I twisted her question so that we look for identifying Mr. Wrong before a woman goes too far.

A man’s potential for husbanding/fathering can be estimated by objectively and unemotionally evaluating red flags before your eyes. This post cites red flags regarding in-laws. Some flags are raised by marriage whether invited or not.

·        Beware if your candidate’s character, religion, and ambitions were formed significantly different from your parents. If he’s from ‘another world’ or culture, think twice, thrice, or more. (Young couples are very unqualified for evaluating in-law interactions many years in the future. Romantic love may also delay recognizing early problems, but a couple’s life suffers greatly when she finds she later has to take sides.) 

·        The thought of him as son-in-law revolts your parents. Beware if one or both can’t stand him personally. (Don’t think for a moment you can reverse their opinions; they’ll always look for the worst in him. They also will forever suspect your judgments for having brought him permanently into their lives. Anecdotes always cite exceptions, but the odds are small.)

Other red flags are raised as the result of your curiosity and questioning:

·        Have him describe his parents. After meeting them, do you agree?

·        Can you love and do more than just get along with his parents after you’ve spent some time with them? Your intentions don’t count. Especially regarding his mother?

·        He will likely treat you much the same as his father treats his mother. Observe closely. Okay with you?

·        Is his mother overly protective of him? Does she tamper with his intentions or question his decisions? Beware if yes.

·        Has he fully cut mom’s apron strings? Does he have to consult her before making decisions? Double beware if yes.

·        Does his mother show a deep and intrusive interest in HOW you will build your nest, his castle, your relationship? (Don’t expect him to tell her to back off, early or later. Better for you to do it before marriage, and let her reaction raise or lower the red flag.)

·        If he’s not close to his family, he probably doesn’t highly value family connectedness and closeness. It will likely carry over into the family you build with him. Okay with you?

More tips tomorrow.

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756. The Complex Broken Down — II


Perhaps you wonder why so much misery exists in homes today? Generally, women are not doing their best. You’ve seen some of what follows, but togetherness adds context.

Domestic harmony comes from this:

  • Wives/mothers dominate the home by recognizing husband as head of family, wife as second in command, mother as third, and father as fourth.
  • Females are naturally hard-headed and soft-hearted. Wife’s hard-headedness, however, dominates mother’s soft-heartedness. The wife role takes priority over the mother role. Otherwise, she pushes husband toward somebody else.
  • Submissiveness is not about obedience but about rank structure when agreement can’t be negotiated, but decisions must be made on important matters.
  • Husbands with frequent and convenient access to sex made delightful by wife spend less time looking for it and more time following their missions in life—job, family, or hobby. Perhaps to a fault, but it’s usually better than his chasing skirts.

Disharmony arises out of the following whether kids are present or not:

  • Mother admits her inability to be second in command by repeatedly or exasperatedly turning to father to solve routine, child discipline, or non-critical problems. 
  • When husband/father overrules or reverses decisions of wife/mother, her effectiveness declines. Both she and the kids learn that she’s not respected by head of family. Her authority for discipline goes down, and kids learn to play parents against one another.
  • When wife/mother overrules or shows disdain for decisions of husband/father, he’s driven to look for another home. Both he and the kids see that he’s not respected, and he swallows that as an escape pill.

Over the past few decades, harmony in the home has shifted toward disharmony. As a result, home life miseries intrude into everyday life. Perhaps not yours, but someone you know.

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710. Make Mr. Promiscuous Faithful — Part 4


To recap: Conscience is a function of respect for others, and that’s a reflection of how others respect us. Let’s continue with the man.

  • Males must be conditioned to be faithful to one woman. The male nature knows no conscience about spreading seed. Either female-driven Nurture compensates for Nature’s shortcoming in his formative years, or wives and families pay for the consequent oversupply of unfaithful men.
  • A man’s admirable conscience grows from the infusion of morality, respectability, and mutual respect exemplified by parents and other adults. The absence of such things produces a less admirable conscience.
  • Toddlers are first, because their mind has opened and self-interest starts to develop. They learn to respect others by being shown respect for whom and what they are. To greater but varying degrees, the same continues with tweens, teens, and adults.
  • After entering adulthood a man’s conscience changes little except in response to traumatic events, the most glorious being acceptance of the Lord into his life.
  • Guys treated poorly by females in their life tend to smother their conscience and sometimes squelch it entirely. Guys treated respectfully turn out quite differently and much more reverential of women.
  • Mothers are better able to show respect for children than fathers. They have different natural roles in rearing children. Females focus on teaching right and wrong; males focus on obedience.
  • A man’s formative years determines what a woman has to build on during courtship. The more diligently and unanimously respected as a male by mother, grannies, sisters, aunts, teachers, and girlfriends, the more indelibly a man’s conscience becomes conditioned against mistreating females.
  • In principle, when the females in adult life duplicate or improve on those of his childhood, he’s likely to be faithful. When they don’t, he sees less reason to remain faithful, because his respect weakens.  

In the final analysis, a man’s faithfulness rests on this foundation: He respects the female gender more than his own. Building on that foundation, each woman has a role to fill. That’s tomorrow.

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682. Boob Exposure: Rest of Story


Coeds and concert goers lift tee shirts to expose braless boobs to cameras, performers, and men nearby. They do it for attention, and guys pay attention. Both feminine mystery and female modesty vanish in one upsweep of the tee, and masculine imaginations return once again to sex. But that’s not all for the female that does it.

Let me examine seven effects on two generations of her family, hers and her daughter’s. (I assume that all characters discussed below know the details, whether they witnessed the event or not.)

  1. She DIRECTLY betrays her father or father figure that raised her. She has insulted his parenting. He doesn’t want his daughter exposed, and she knows it. So, she’s aware of her betrayal. Or, she doesn’t think of him at all, which weakens her appeal as a respectable person unless she has no father figure in her life.
  2. She embarrasses her brothers. Females that brothers value the highest would never expose boobs. They value their sister as highly unique, but to their masculine standards she belittles and betrays herself. They feel sorry for her but especially sorry for dad.
  3. It pits the father against the mother who doubtless feels duty bound to defend daughter’s courage, independence, or whatever. It’s her life and she’s old enough yada yada yada. Boob exposure can be a passed over as fun or indiscretion by females and even other fathers, but not by her father and brothers. And, how respectful will male neighbors and friends remain?
  4. Although less obvious, dad’s male associates conclude that he’s incapable of setting and imposing standards in his own home. His leadership lacks something. Respect for him weakens in the workplace and even social events and friendly associations, perhaps with accompanying empathy. Or even sympathy by other fathers that have undergone similar insult.
  5. Even if she recognizes her betrayal, over time she grows accustomed to living with it. Other important lessons easily supersede what she may consider to have been an adventurous indiscretion or college stunt. But it will haunt later.
  6. She discredits her upbringing, which means parenting, which means family, which means heritage, which means examples that should be duplicated for raising her own sons and daughters.
  7. Children that discredit their upbringing can’t or won’t value, duplicate, and exemplify parental values. Possible outcomes for her daughter’s generation include:
  • As a mother, she has little or no appreciation of husband’s expectations as a father, because she didn’t honor her own father enough to learn what fathers need.
  • ‘Don’t betray father’ does not appear important when coaching daughters about appreciating their father. Consequently, she’s unlikely to teach daughters how immodest behavior betrays their father.
  • So, sometime in the future, her daughters will do the same or worse to insult their dad. Not purposely, but because their mom discredited parental prerogatives and standards and passed on the legacy.
  • Had she thought of exposing herself but refrained, she would much more likely teach daughters to highly value their feminine mystery and female modesty. This would have the extra effect of honoring father’s standards and expectations.

We all alibi for college misadventures and indiscretions. But exposing breasts publicly has more far reaching effects than people realize.

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638. Mothering Sons #05


Teens—These things DON’T go together when parents are coaching; the last term conflicts directly with the first: teen’s independence and supervision fit for a tween; discipline and temper; punishment amid anger or spitefulness.

Infants—Nurture is the main ingredient, and expertise for delivery lies primarily with son’s own mother. Women sense this, but many return to work. An infant cared for by other than mom becomes confused about liking himself, his self-value, and his importance to others and especially HIS MOTHER.  

Mothers—This one specific family rank order generates success although primary responsibilities shift from phase to phase of childhood: God, husband, wife, mother, father, son. (For details about the relative ranking and interactions of each role, see the Smother Love series at 551 and 554 and 569 about dysfunction of elevating kids over father.)

Toddlers—A boy’s self-image emerges and grows according to what he accomplishes. Trying and failing is superior to mom doing things for him or helping where it’s unnecessary. Mom’s greatest value for adulthood comes with teaching toddler right and wrong and associated morality, for him to try new challenges, and her to encourage him to follow failure with new ways, new attacks, and more persistence.

Mothers—Sons learn diligence by paying attention to details. Boys learn persistence, when they don’t give up after failure.

More to follow.

 

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629. Mothering Sons #03


I offer no advice for mothering sons. Rather, I focus on causes and effects that show why mothers may be disappointed with whatever they’re doing or hope to get. They should figure out what works best for their family.

  • Tweens—The effectiveness of mom’s nurturing fades. Love doesn’t help much to motivate tween sons. Soothing love helps, however, when something goes sour or wrong.
  • Toddlers—Nurturing gets weaker after son’s conscious mind opens. Showing appreciation counts far more than affection continually lavished on him. Two reasons: (1) His conscience is developing, and he’s not sure he deserves it or has no time for excess affection. (2) Unlike girls melting into relationships, he’s into individual accomplishments—specifically his own—and excitements.
  • Mothers—Good intentions don’t work except to make mom feel good about herself. Good character and good examples impress son for life if not immediately.
  • Infants—Dad is not a nurturer; even his showering of love and affection are not the same as mom’s. Of course he can change diapers, but do you think the baby gets the same sense of importance as when mom, or for that fact, even another female does it?

More follows.

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625. Random Thoughts — Group 2


♦       Love is never enough. Too many little negatives interfere, and too few positives support it.

♦       Modern men have many malpractices for dealing with women and living with one. But men are trainable, when women set their mind to it.

♦       When women want a man more than their dignity and self-respect, they invariably choose poorly.

♦       A woman’s self-love determines her capacity for reliably loving a man. Bitchiness and critical attitude signal a shortage.

♦       Challenge for Wives: When telling him about what happened to you today, try telling it such that he responds with the rarest words a wife ever hears from husband, “Tell me more.”

♦       I wonder what would happen if a woman dressed up for work above and beyond whatever is standard and expected at her place of employment—for example: more feminine, less casual, neater sense of professionalism, etc. Actually I know what would happen. First, other women would dislike them for it. Second, the men would show more attention, respect, and appreciation. Third, other women would gradually follow suit to keep up with leader of the pack. Fourth, it would become a better place to work.     

♦       I credit someone else for this, but I love it: Mother and child is basic Nature. Joining them with a man is basic civilization. I could add: Marriage arranges and the family unit stabilizes civilization.

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