Tag Archives: mother

2049. Submissive #07 — Submissive is More Honorable


I continue with the list of situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes. Let me know if the subject is beginning to drag. I have other subjects that I can intersperse. There’s probably 4-6 dailies left in the submissive series—re-titled out of respect for that female blessing endowed at birth.

Nearly synonymous, I often interchange dominance and submission. It depends on which term seems to best fit the situation but in most cases it means the same thing to the woman on the receiving end of typical male expectations.

14. Competition in marriage favors the primary leader—the husband. Cooperation favors the rest of the team—wife/mother and children. Sustaining her team successfully without challenging his role and self-prescribed authority generates peace in the home, which he expects her to deliver. [Guy adds: From such generated peace with husband not interfering, relationship experts generate harmony. It’s a natural urge and it brightens the female future.]

15. The mutual exchange of spouses pleasing each other, combined with going along to get along, smooths out stormy marital ripples. What is the best model to produce it? Women visualize this model, one head of the family leaves room for one neck to turn the head. There’s much to be said for it for three reasons: 1) It works pretty well as a strategic model and discourages wife from wandering deeply into husband’s domains. 2) It proclaims her role to be subordinate and submissive and thus sounds okay to husbands to talk and even joke about it. 3) It casts her in the role of indirect leader rather than trying to lead husband directly by challenging his authority. [Guy adds: Even that model can be improved upon. I’ve described it elsewhere as a family rank structure. It embellishes the influence of the neck and softens the head’s need for dominance. It’s too lengthy for here, but if you’d like to see it let me know. I’ll put it aside for a few days.]

16. During dating, courtship, and engagement, women lay the groundwork to win or lose in the marital power game. As the relationship expert, a very feminine female knows intuitively how to expect and handle a man’s sense of dominance and his expectation for her submission. Unfortunately, not all women listen to their hearts; for various reasons they automatically give in to their man’s expectations. [Guy adds: When women forget or forego living by what their heart tells them, they weaken their political power in the home. For example: She knows that she deserves to be treated respectfully—first as person, second as wife/girlfriend/fiancée, third as prospective mate. When she lets the first sign of disrespect pass without mention, she opens the gate. More will follow. His disrespect poisons their relationship. The only antidote is to squelch it unflinchingly at the first instance and until it stops. Do whatever it takes. Of course, if he doesn’t stop after just a couple instances, he’s nowhere near Mr. Good Enough. Evidence of disrespect means that his respect is insufficient to generate more than just a little love in his heart. So, turn him into Mr. Dumped, because he will never become her Mr. Right even after decades of marriage.]

17. Each woman knows to compete to prevent conquest before she is ready for it. However, she isn’t aware of one part of the male nature. Her discouragement of his initiative wins his respect, which is the foundation of his love. After conquest, however, competing with him weakens her likeability, the very thing he expects to keep him in pursuit. [Guy adds: Directly resisting his dominance is to challenge him. He expects and accepts it before but not after conquest. Unfortunately, women have indirect ways of resisting submission after conquest, but it sours their own attitude and weakens their likeability.]

18. Her boyfriend’s dominant attitude is offensive, domineering, and borderline unacceptable. Red flags wave. What to do? She needs a boyfriend or potential groom. She may be desperate! This one may be her last chance! There have been so few possible candidates lately! What to do? [Guy adds: If she cannot stand to be that dominated before marriage, why should she expect him to be anything but worse after marriage? Men don’t change to please their woman except before conquest, and even that can be faked.]

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

 

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2016. Female Blessings at Birth — 22-24


It’s the eighth group and I’m grateful for whatever feedback you send.

I continue taking the (currently 85) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination.

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or it’s something you learned during life, and so you have no reference point.

Where “Guy adds,” I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge my assumptions.

22. I am worthy of any man but only a few are worthy of me. [Guy adds: Unfortunately, her worthiness is too easily reversible in childhood. Parents are overly challenged and don’t treat children equally as persons but uniquely as boys and girls. It works for the better this way. Fathers pump up their daughters’ sense of self-worth and importance, which girls accept as relative to the source, one man representing all men. Mothers admire their sons’ achievements, which they accept as relative to the source, women. Then, in the romance marketplace, she automatically claims herself worthy and he willingly accepts it as challenge to win her. In the jargon of today, marriage works well with this start-up foundation. He thinks he married over his head and she knows that he did. It springs from natural impulses confirmed before puberty by parents.]
23. I have all the qualities I need to make one man earn me. (However, something inside also tells me I have to work daily to ‘tune up’ those qualities if I hope to keep the admiration of candidates for marriage. [Guy adds: And then, someday, at least one man will see you sufficiently virtuous that he becomes fascinated and devoted enough to see so much promise that he’s willing to yield his independence to capture you as wife.)
24. Something deep inside says I should, so I refuse to accept offenses to my feminine sensibilities. I spotlight my objections with critical words or by departing the scene. (No more f- or c- words, porn, or similar filth in my or children’s presence.) [Guy adds: Female sensibilities are personal. You can’t be wrong, so take action and neither complain nor explain, just act. It’s also a primary method by which women set standards to which men are expected to rise, which is one practice that produces a female-friendly society.]

Example for your response: “23-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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2014. Fathering: New Thoughts on It


  • The essence of mother-love is unconditional respect for the child. The essence of father-love is conditional respect based on a mix of four ingredients. 1) The actions he takes to fulfill his sense of duty for raising his offspring. Feelings follow actions and so actions program his heart. 2) The respect the child earns in the father’s eyes. Men don’t respect without reason. Boys don’t either, but before puberty they learn to copy their mother’s respect for others. 3) Fathers respect for the mother is sufficient that he doesn’t want to disappoint her or let her think him incapable or insignificant.
  • Fathers enforce mom’s teaching of obedience but they lack unconditional respect for the child; their respect revolves naturally around kids doing what mom or dad expects. When involved to impose discipline on children, men are more energized to appreciate and preserve their own self-respect than respect the culprit they face. Consequently, a natural gap exists between a woman’s urge to unconditionally respect a child and a man’s expectation that respect be earned. Mom more easily than dad earns a child’s respect. As with men, a boy’s love is founded on respect for the love object. So, son loves father proportional to his respect for dad, which emanates from dad’s trust for son.
  • From toddlerhood to adulthood, children learn to respect others according to the trust they are shown as self-developers. (Boys try it independently and learn by mistakes but girls seek guidance to avoid mistakes.) To the extent they are trusted as self-developers, kids view themselves respected as a person, a boy or girl, and as a member of the family in that order. Later in life, boys self-develop as fathers, which requires they shift roles and give trust to earn the respect of children. (Demanding respect before trusting kids torpedoes the long-range interest of fathers; kids learn not to trust dad.)
  • Consequently, the road of true father-love loops from endless trust for child’s self-development to ever-growing respect for father. Around and around it loops and gathers emotional momentum. But the loop needs an on-ramp. Since a man’s love builds on a foundation of respect, fathers enter the fray awkwardly. They must trust the child first if they are to be respected. (It reminds of this: Wife must first trust husband, if she expects to be respected with emotional faithfulness. Mutual love grows out of trust and respect continually uplifted with both parties adding energy with new initiatives.)
  • Greater trust of child generates greater respect for father, which encourages father to serve better as near-nurturer to the toddler, leader of the prepubescent, and coach to the teen.

 

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2004. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 92


  • When you’re about to be raped by a date, accuracy and truthfulness don’t matter. Slow your defense long enough to say, “Your mother said you would NEVER do this. Does your mother always call you by the name she used with me? Or does she lie?” And just keep talking about his mother while defending yourself physically. (If it slows or stops him, it’s the surprise of you possibly having talked to his mother about him. Threatening to later tell his mother won’t have a similar wilting effect.)
  • If a man is going to devote himself to a woman, he wants to know what men preceded him sexually in her life. Several reasons prompt his curiosity, and several outcomes hinge on the revelations. It’s not the ‘used’ and unused issue. That’s how he hides his agenda. It’s those other guys. When? How recent? Who? Do I know them? Will I meet them? Were they better in bed with her? Will they return to her or vice versa? Who will she compare me with? How faithful was she to them? Were my family or friends involved? Will she turn back to them? What emotional attachments and physical attractions remain? (Incidentally, a man’s respect declines for a woman conquered by someone for whom he lacks respect.) [121]
  • Equality isn’t truly attainable and interferes with compatibility this way. Inequities remain in the minds of those who lose decisions that are supposedly rendered on the basis of equality. On the other hand, fairness promotes compatibility. It resolves issues by generating decisions at least acceptable to both sides. If not always agreeable, the ‘losing side’ doesn’t feel compelled to search for new arguments. Fairness aims for common-sense and vice versa. (Revolutionaries, political activists, and radical feminists use the females’ natural hope for more equality to separate men and women into warring classes. It works too. I’ve watched it worsen male-female relations for a half-century.)

 

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2002. Grandmother’s Sabotage


I’m unsure how typical this is, but it needs a loud broadcast. A mother’s home can be plagued by her mother’s visits. Sounds impossible, so watch as I report and comment on one wife’s situation. Remember it when you become a grandmother.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I RESPOND IN CAPS TO Her Highness Anon’s comment in lower case WITH PARAGRAPHS BROKEN FOR EASE OF READING.

GUY

——

Sir Guy,

You cite the need of a woman to make herself feel “more important for those to whom she is vital.” I would love your opinion of the scenario I find myself in. I’m a stay-at-home mom to three (ages 4, 2, and newborn). [CONGRATULATIONS]

My mother (who lives close by) [YOU’RE FORTUNATE] visits our family a couple times per week [GREAT!], to spend an hour or so with the grandchildren (my kids). She always shows up with an expensive toy, sugary treat, etc. [FOR THAT AND OTHER REASONS ADDED BELOW, IT’S NOT GREAT BUT UNDESIRABLE. HER MANNER OF GIVING TAKES DIGNITY FROM YOU AS THE MOTHER. IT MAKES BOYS DEPENDENT RATHER THAN INDEPENDENT AND TEACHES DAUGHTERS SOME WRONG THINGS. IT ALSO PUTS YOU AND GRANDMOTHER INTO COMPETITIVE ROLES FOR KIDS’ AFFECTION AND THE KIDS LEARN TO PLAY YOU AGAINST GRANDMOTHER. CHILDREN ARE SELF-DEVELOPERS AND THEY LEARN QUICKLY HOW TO GET THE ‘MOSTEST’ FROM THE BEST HOSTESS AND EXPECT THE ‘LEASTEST’ FROM THE NEXT BEST HOSTESS, WHICH ADD IMPORTANCE TO ONE AND SUBTRACTS IMPORTANCE FROM THE OTHER.]

At first I enjoyed seeing my children enjoy her treats. Lately, however, she has begun undermining my authority [UNDERMINING AUTHORITY IS THE WORST THING AN ADULT CAN DO TO A PARENT, THE DAMAGE LASTS FOR LIFE.] and even saying I’m “too strict for the kids to need to obey me” [WHICH IS WORSE THAN INDIRECTLY UNDERMINING AUTHORITY. IT’S A CONDEMNATION OF YOU AS PARENT.] (she says this in front of the children and I know my four-year-old understands what she is saying). [MUCH DAMAGE HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE. HE’S BEEN PROGRAMMED TO BE A DISCIPLINE PROBLEM BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN DISCREDITED BY HIGHER AUTHORITY.]

Most recently I was concerned when she told me that “isn’t it funny how kids always hate their moms?! But grandparents! these are the ones that they are supposed to love!!” [IT SHOULD BUT THIS WON’T MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER. SHE’S PROBABLY JEALOUS THAT YOU’RE A DIFFERENT KIND OF MOTHER. YOUR EXAMPLE BRINGS TO MIND HER REGRETS AND GUILT, AND SHE FEELS COMPELLED TO COMPENSATE BY OVERDOING IT WITH YOUR KIDS. IOW, SHE SACRIFICED HERSELF RAISING YOU EVEN THOUGH SHE NOW KNOWS SHE DIDN’T DESERVE YOUR LOVE COMPARED TO HOW YOU DO THE MOM THING.]

I told her I never felt this way about her, and I wondered why she made the remark. [IT’S EXPLAINED JUST ABOVE.] Since then, my kids have begun saying they wish they lived at Grandma’s house & that they love Grandma more than me, their mom. [THAT’S TYPICAL AND EXPECTED FROM GRANDMOTHER’S WELL-INTENTIONED BUT WRONGFUL PROGRAMMING.]

I was hurt by this and my husband told the children they were never to speak that way again. [WHAT A GREAT HUSBAND. YOU MAY HAVE MARRIED OVER YOUR HEAD.]

But I already feel cut down in size by my mom [AND WELL YOU SHOULD FEEL], who seems to want to create a sense of her own importance by making me less-important in my kids’ eyes. [JEALOUSY WORKS THAT WAY.]

Do you think I’m reading too much into my mom’s actions? [YOU’RE READING TOO LITTLE, TAKING TOO LITTLE OFFENSE, SHE’S CONTAMINATING YOUR NEST.

To put it in some perspective, my mom raised two kids, but my brother made a lot of bad choices [RESULT OF LESS THAN OPTIMAL PARENTING] (he’s since settled down) and I did not choose the career path they hoped [ROOM FOR ANGER BEFORE AND JEALOUSY NOW].

(I’m a stay-at-home-mom), so I suppose mom may not feel “fulfilled” by us. She once said she had “only regrets” [SHE CAN’T OR WON’T FORGIVE HERSELF, AND YOUR HOME KEEPS HER ON THAT KNIFE EDGE.] when she looked back on her years of raising kids, which shocks me because I thought I had a pretty good childhood!! [IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH. YOU FELT FREE ENOUGH THAT SELF-DEVELOPMENT LED YOU TO BE A SUCCESSFUL WIFE AND MOTHER. BUT YOU DID IT CONTRARY TO PARENTAL EXPECTATIONS THAT NOW GENERATE REMINDERS OF HER GUILT, REGRET, AND JEALOUSY. SHE LACKED CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE THAT SHE EXPECTED TO HAVE. HER CAREER OUTSIDE THE HOME SHAPED HER THINKING THAT WAY.]

WITH NATURAL AND NORMAL OBLIGATIONS OF DAUGHTER TO MOTHER, YOUR HANDS ARE EFFECTIVELY TIED. YOUR HUSBAND MIGHT REACH HER. GRANDPA MIGHT TOO. BUT BOTH ARE UNLIKELY TO CONVERT HER LOYALTY TO HERSELF INTO TRUE GRANDMOTHERLY LOYALTY. THE KIND THAT MORPHS GOOD WOMEN INTO MATRIARCHS.

THE ROOT OF RECOVERY WILL START TO GROW WHEN YOUR MOTHER FORGIVES HERSELF FOR HER OWN PARENTING RECORD, FORGIVES HERSELF FOR TRESPASSING YOUR HOME’S SPIRIT, AND FORGIVES YOU FOR DOING DIFFERENTLY THAN SHE WISHED. UNLESS SHE CAN DO THAT, DISRUPTION, DEPRESSION, AND DISCIPLINE PROBLEMS WILL PLAGUE YOUR HOME AND WORSEN OVER TIME WITH HER PRESENCE.

Thoughts, Sir Guy?

IT’S YOUR NEST. KICK OBSTRUCTIONS OUT OF THE WAY. SHOW MOM THE DOOR EACH TIME SHE DISPLEASES YOU REGARDING THE KIDS. AS A DISRUPTER, SHE DOESN’T DESERVE YOUR COMPANY. KEEP YOUR MORALE UP AS BEING A GRATEFUL MOM. ADMIRE HUBBY AS GOOD LEADER, FATHER FIGURE, AND FOR HIS STRONG CHARACTER IN BACKING YOU.

YOUR MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER THIS. LET ME BE THE HEAVY. LET YOUR MOTHER READ IN PRIVATE WHAT YOU AND I HAVE WRITTEN ABOVE. SHE WILL TAKE OFFENSE AND TAKE IT BIG TIME DEPENDING ON WHETHER SHE ACCEPTS OR DENIES IT. SHE MAY DEPART YOUR LIFE FOR SOME UNDETERMINED TIME. BUT SOONER OR LATER SHE WILL PROBABLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SHE WAS WRONG AND RETURN TO YOUR EMBRACE. THE MAGIC WORD OF RECOVERY IS FORGIVENESS FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED AND EVERY THING DONE IN THE PAST.

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1743. Hope, Respect, and Trust — Part II


Mothers, fathers, and other leaders commit one particular flagrant violation that disrupts the process of generating reciprocal respect and mutual influence.

They see a child or employee do something wrong. Instead of focusing on the undesirability of the results, they focus on the offender. Parents often yell and other leaders pointedly say or imply, “Why did you do that? What were you thinking?” They ask or imply, “How could you have been so stupid, dumb, or careless?” Such reactions are common, right? Say, Yes.

Here’s the shocker that such mothers, fathers, and other leaders don’t recognize. Asking such questions immediately shows disrespect for the wrongdoer’s reasoning, judgment, and ability. Only spiteful people try to screw up the things they are supposed to do. Most likely, whatever the offender did was done with no malice aforethought and for reasons they thought appropriate at the time. In short, they’re not as screwed up as the results they produced. They erred, miscalculated, or mistook something they thought would work. In any event, recovery is everything, and they learned how not to do it in the future and probably long before the condemning leader came down on them. Given the time to mull over the result they produced, they feel confident they can figure out how to do it right the next time. (We all learn most effectively by doing something wrong the first time.)

The point is this: Just the process of asking ‘why did you do that’ or words to that effect bring a culprit’s character, reasoning, and judgment into question. It challenges the wrongdoer’s self-respect. In the case of males, it also disrupts his sense of self-admiration and, consequently,weakens his interest in figuring out how to do better the next time. In the case of females, it disfigures their sense of self-importance by unintentionally displeasing someone.

It gets worse in the home. Siblings pick up on parental questioning of a particular child’s repeated mistakes or misbehavior; the child must always explain himself. Siblings carry it into adult life and easily doubt or question why their brother or sister does certain things with what appear to be dubious reasons. They carry parental habits forward long after the parents are gone, which effectively weakens family glue between adult siblings.

Mutual respect and mutual influence are severely weakened by the simple expedient of calling someone’s character, reasoning ability, and judgment into question. The leader may think it’s only a question. Wrongdoers take it far more personal and also as nullifying the confidence and regard in which leader holds them. When wrongdoers see disrespect aimed at them, their trust of the leader wanes ever more rapidly with each incident, and the leader’s effectiveness as an influencer fades.

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767. Beware Red Flags — Part 3


Her Highness Sara prompted this series asking about identifying Mr. Right. I twisted her question so that we look for identifying Mr. Wrong before a woman goes too far.

A man’s potential for husbanding/fathering can be estimated by objectively and unemotionally evaluating red flags before your eyes. This post cites red flags regarding in-laws. Some flags are raised by marriage whether invited or not.

·        Beware if your candidate’s character, religion, and ambitions were formed significantly different from your parents. If he’s from ‘another world’ or culture, think twice, thrice, or more. (Young couples are very unqualified for evaluating in-law interactions many years in the future. Romantic love may also delay recognizing early problems, but a couple’s life suffers greatly when she finds she later has to take sides.) 

·        The thought of him as son-in-law revolts your parents. Beware if one or both can’t stand him personally. (Don’t think for a moment you can reverse their opinions; they’ll always look for the worst in him. They also will forever suspect your judgments for having brought him permanently into their lives. Anecdotes always cite exceptions, but the odds are small.)

Other red flags are raised as the result of your curiosity and questioning:

·        Have him describe his parents. After meeting them, do you agree?

·        Can you love and do more than just get along with his parents after you’ve spent some time with them? Your intentions don’t count. Especially regarding his mother?

·        He will likely treat you much the same as his father treats his mother. Observe closely. Okay with you?

·        Is his mother overly protective of him? Does she tamper with his intentions or question his decisions? Beware if yes.

·        Has he fully cut mom’s apron strings? Does he have to consult her before making decisions? Double beware if yes.

·        Does his mother show a deep and intrusive interest in HOW you will build your nest, his castle, your relationship? (Don’t expect him to tell her to back off, early or later. Better for you to do it before marriage, and let her reaction raise or lower the red flag.)

·        If he’s not close to his family, he probably doesn’t highly value family connectedness and closeness. It will likely carry over into the family you build with him. Okay with you?

More tips tomorrow.

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