1461. Marry Without Romantic Appeal?

At #1101 Her Highness Denise inquired. Can a woman marry a bona fide Mr. GoodEnough who “she doesn’t have particularly strong romantic feelings for without her or his disappointment down the line?” Yes, in theory she can but is she capable of paying the price and adjusting to the consequences? Remember, this is just theory to explain how the male and female natures can be blended into compatibility. Different personalities might produce various outcomes.

Behind Denise’s question is this: Can love and romance be separated? Think of this: Romance starts in and stirs a woman’s imagination, but love abounds in her heart. Further, love and romance separate in every marriage when romantic love fades after about two years. The romance side fades in response to marital energies, pressures, and relationship maturation. Either enduring love replaces it or the unforgiveable irritants and unforgettable negatives in a relationship compound and lead to marital separation.

It turns her question into HOW can she make it work if her romantic feelings aren’t all that strong? She pays a bigger price, that’s all. Can she? Is she willing? Can she analyze herself honestly? If she thinks yes, let her consider the devil in the details of what it takes to succeed.

First Expectation. Is Mr. GoodEnough devoted to her? Not just committed to her or marriage, but devoted to her as person, woman, and potential mate? If not, she should delay or do without marriage until he does fit that mold.

Second Expectation. She needs a makeover so that she believes this: I am more interested in him than in myself and more interested in us than in me.* How does she get that way? Her many micro and macro actions imprint and confirm his importance in her life and tend to suppress her self-centeredness and selfishness to favor him.

First Principle. His actions program his heart. Her actions program her heart. Presume the principle works at 100% although reality makes it work at a slightly lower level, perhaps in the neighborhood of 80-20 in favor of the actions of the heart-owner.

Second Principle. Women quite naturally come to love whomever they take close care of. The same applies with romance. Act more romantic with and about him and she will feel more romantic. Eagerly initiate romance activities (with him of course). Smother love will help her but it may turn him off. If needed, do the best she can to fake romantic notions without going too far. In other words, fake it ‘til you make it. Will it generate greater romantic love? Sure, if her intentions are sincere, if her heart is dedicated to generating a great marriage. Moreover, it will help generate the enduring love that will be needed in a year or two after the altar.  

Extra Precautions.

• Developing new habits—not inspired by romantic passion—to show more attention and affection for Mr. GoodEnough may take many months, so a long courtship should be anticipated and utilized.  
• Converting and confirming his interest in her as reliable and detectable devotion may also take many months.
• Analyze herself, just how important is romance to her? How important versus all her other priorities? Does she need her own version to show romance to him or will his displays of affection satisfy her? If he’s devoted to her, he probably shows attention and affection willingly and often. If she’s been captured by romance novels and magazines, however, he probably will never provide enough to satisfy her imagined need for romance.
• She makes her marriage work this way. Ignoring or suppressing all negative feelings about him and what she does, she acts totally and completely devoted to him, his efforts, his interest, and especially his job. Not to put him first in all things but to put her actively demonstrating without negative thoughts that she loves him. It’s her actions that program her heart with love. Negative feelings curtail the growth of her love and alert her man to prepare for changes that are a’comin’.

This is a theoretical model that takes advantage of natural sex differences. I suggest at least a two-year courtship to see if romance can be stimulated and enduring love can arise after the usual fade time for romantic love.

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*I paraphrase Marian the Librarian as she sings in the movie Music Man, ♫“He is more interested in me than in himself and more interested in us than in me.”♫

1248. Think the Best, Don’t Doubt the Rest — #13

• I recommend a new qualifying factor for determining Mr. Good Enough for marriage and Mr. Bad Enough for divorce. Is he Mr. Daddy Enough for daughters forthcoming or now living? I found a gold mine on the subject: Dr. Kevin Leman’s book, What a Difference a Daddy Makes—The Indelible Imprint a Dad Leaves on His Daughter’s Life. (You may also learn why if you keep homing on men with the same failings as those before.)
• Men especially and women to a lesser degree are born with the potential for self-loathing. After their conscious mind opens in the third year, good nurturing pushes them away from it and toward self-love. Bad, poor, or absent nurturing brings out the fullest potential for self-loathing aka self-hatred. The greater one’s self-loathing develops, the more effectively they learn to hide it from others. (No one wants to help others loathe them.)
• The classic John Wayne-type heroes make tough decisions but never ever explain why. Nor do they ever alibi for mistakes or themselves. Explaining oneself applies internal pressure to make one look good to others. Repeatedly makes it habitual. Defending oneself habitually inspires one to do better, which invites exaggeration and lying. Ordinary men of quality build their value with integrity. By not explaining themselves, they avoid temptation to devalue themselves in their own eyes. Thus, not explaining toughens the masculine character. Perhaps harder to understand, but stronger and more virtuous, admirable, and predictable.

1212. Boot Camp for Girls—Post-grad #3: Purity Rings?

Her Highness Cassy inquired about purity rings that friends bought at a “Silver Ring Thing” concert. Her friends want to “wear them so that they will attract Christian guys who will be attracted to the fact that they are saving themselves.” She asked what I thought.

She didn’t ask, but the question stared at me: Does a ring make the girl? Yes, a target! To bring up the subject of abstinence in front of guys is to open the subject of sex FOR them. Girls that abstain need everything else but that.  

• Guys interested in an abstaining girl have to know with whom they stand. Curiosity will inflame their imagination to find out if she’s also virginal. They can’t help that. It’s nature.
• Any visible symbol of sex-related matters immediately invites guy talk about personal things that lead to sex and endless inquiry about her status. She loses the advantage whether virgin or not.
• If other guys know that a girl abstains, they won’t seek to be with her to exchange personal interests that could lead to relationships. Abstinence moves her out of their mainstream. She’s not in their ballpark, so she can go somewhere else to play. Thus, girls bypass many opportunities to deal with guys, both wanted and unwanted. They miss learning from experience how to identify Mr. Good Enough candidates with potential to become Mr. Right many years down the marital road.
• A girl too tough to conquer isn’t appreciated except by two kinds of guys. Those that see great challenges in conquering girls too tough to conquer. And, her husband, who won’t join up with her for sometime or many years.
• Anything a girl or woman advertises removes some mystery and it doesn’t help. Males advertise to prove their worth. Females don’t advertise so they can highlight feminine mystique, mystery unique.  
• Girls that brag about abstaining appear desperate, a direct invitation for masculine exploitation.
• If teachers of abstinence recommend symbols of commitment, keep it private and out of sight. Better yet, remember that a big difference exists between committing oneself and trying to convince others of it. So, let committed girls brag to their journal, or sleep with it under their pillow, instead of exposing their symbols to other boys and even girls.
• Rings discourage long-lasting relationships. Boyfriends of girls that wear purity rings catch hell from buddies. Few adolescent boys tear themselves away from their friends and continue doing that for which they are ridiculed. I know, Christian boys aren’t supposed to do such things, but teasing and even ridicule can easily arise out of adolescent jealousy and envy. Most Christian boys aren’t mature Christians.
• Boys don’t think about marriage as girls do. Teen rings just convince boys that a girl is aimed at marriage, so she’s not a challenge of beauty but someone to be wary of. She might lay traps.

Whatever men and boys conclude from what they perceive, they believe it much easier and deeper than what they are told by words or rings. Their conclusions embed in their heart. As most girls know, devotion flows from the heart. As with everything else personal, non-disclosure works best for a girl. It adds challenges for boys to decode and figure her out while they make themselves worthy of her.

1137. Self-admiration: Forget Wrong, Do Right

This post expands on the motivational force of self-admiration at #1136. Her Highness Simplicity Evermore asked, “As a young lady, how much admiration would I be able to give a young man without giving the wrong impression?”

Forget about giving the wrong impression. Women should think about giving the right one. This works to womanly advantage: Display unconditional admiration for all men except as individuals prove they don’t deserve it. It benefits and works for her this way:

• Except those that prove unworthy, women can’t admire men too much. Men interpret admiration as deserved, which in turn makes them more highly respect a woman and her gender. It plays to her hand, because masculine love flows out of respect for the opposite sex and one woman in particular.
• A woman admires each man for who he is and what he does so long as he fits within her moral standards, expectations, and female-friendly cultural values. She determines ahead of time just what’s right, wrong, tolerable, and intolerable in her presence and value system. She uses unique female traits to correct offenders.
• When men deviate from her expectations, she lets them know it. If other men witness it, the word spreads about her standards and expectations. It provides payback for admiring men in the first place, because it promotes her female uniqueness.
• Politeness sells better than meanness or disappointment. Firm feedback withdraws admiration from the mind of culprits. It prompts them to act differently, if they care at all about earning her respect, making themselves worthy of her, or trying to retain respect from witnesses.
• If offending men ignore her but discontinue their offense, she wins. If they act contrite, she wins at least temporarily. If they depart, she wins. If they depart against her wishes, she chose poorly, and she wins perhaps without knowing it.
• Contrary to popular opinion, a woman should take responses to the ‘wrong impressions’ she gives as compliments rather than offenses. Remaining cool and polite to correct the situation elevates her image above the masculine and embellishes her attitude with greater sense of control over events. Man-haters take offense easily. Uniquely feminine women don’t.  
• No feminine way exists to always prevent men from getting the ‘wrong impression’. Each female adapts to every eventuality. Success comes mostly from experience. Each event teaches her to discriminate, exploit feminine dynamism, and display character. Consequently, repeatedly handling ‘wrong impression’ episodes makes women more attractive for marriage. (It also teaches offenders to squelch their eagerness. Measure twice and cut once, as it were, until they can mind their manners.)

The foregoing shows that unconditionally admiring the opposite sex has many benefits for females. These are major: Women empower themselves to uphold cultural values that guide society. Good natured hard-headedness outside marriage sends poor candidates packing and guides the rest on becoming a worthy Mr. Good Enough.

1127. Ties That Bind and Blind — #08

1. A man’s love is based on respect for an extraordinary woman who outshines most others. She becomes extraordinary in his eyes, if he has to work hard to hold her attention, impress her, and otherwise prove himself worthy. Her attractiveness just gets the ball rolling.
2. A man’s not really interested in her, if he’s not intrigued by her feminine persona. Or, if he ridicules her female modesty. Or, if he mocks her moral, religious, feminine, or parental standards. Or, if he insists that she do something she knows is not good for her.
3. A woman that uses respect, gratitude, indirectness, and endless patience can turn Mr. Good Enough from frog to prince to king. Her love and affection are not enough though.
4. Sometimes women get hard-hearted. They grow selfish, self-centered, and often vengeful to make others pay for offenses to their female ego. They grow short on empathizing, nurturing, and encouraging and nursing the hurts of others. Loneliness follows the hard-hearted female.
5. Of course it’s not fair. Women that insist on equality dealing with a man will spend a lot of time trying to recycle as his ex.

1111. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 32

• Expecting Mr. Good Enough to make himself worthy of her creates relationship glue. The drawn out habit forming process has no precise definition or goal. Marriage may or may not confirm his worth to her; only time will tell. Unless she changes after marriage, the glue should help her harmonize their togetherness.
• Men can’t duplicate God’s unconditional love, but they can show the earthly equivalent. That is, unconditional respect for individuals, especially those that reveal they don’t deserve it. Men follow for better or worse the moral and religious standards exemplified by women.
• Reflecting dependence on hubby makes wife more valuable to him. Reflecting need for him makes her less valuable to him. (He’s capable of the former but not the latter.)
• These multiplex ingredients blend into maximum marital glue. Her likeability reinforces his significance. His significance reinforces her need for a brighter future. Without those connections intensely exchanged, other single ingredients can easily fail, e.g., love, respect, affection, vows, dependence.
• Good reason exists to steer clear of men that act dictatorial; who expect total submission. Such men hate themselves and can’t truly love anyone. They insist on total submission and seek a submissive woman. If she fights back and loses, he appreciates her more. Submission both shows and reinforces his sense of significance, which is constantly confused and embroiled with self-hatred.
• They separate, await divorce, or seek settlement. She thinks yielding sex will make ex more agreeable to her or their kids. Wrong! His respect for her will weaken further, although his suggestions or pleas may sound otherwise. The weaker his respect, the weaker his interest in negotiating fairly much less equitably.

913. Trust First and Regret May Not Come — Part II

Part I at #912 portrays the role of trust in preventing unfaithfulness. This part focuses on the damaging effects of media and outsider influence on wife’s trust for husband. Many more opportunities exist, but the focus narrows here to fictionalized male characters portrayed on TV shows.

Background. We’re all uniquely alike: We judge because we have to stay alive. Harsh judgments made about negatives are much easier than appreciative judgments about positives. We’re always alert for evidence to verify past judgments as right or wrong. Self-confidence plays a major role in it, and success keeps us focused on more of the same.

Causes. Wives listen and pay attention to the media and other outside influences. Much registers as innocent entertainment. But many comparisons make husband look bad or worse. Many harsh comparisons over time trigger suspicions, doubts, and confusion and hubby doesn’t appear quite so worthy or trustworthy.

Women can’t resist the urge to compare media entertainment actions and words by male actors with their own relationships. Words idealized by screenwriters have little to do with real life, but real men are still judged by standards women pick up from imaginary men. The effects can be damaging.

Effects. Whether idealized or depraved, fictionalized TV characters induce women to both dream and compare husband to others. Sooner he comes up short on minor things; later he comes up short on major things or totally.

• When wife starts finding faults by comparing husband, the process starts for eventual weakening if not breakup of her marriage. Fault-finding leads to less appreciation and respect for him, which he requires to respect her, and his love is based on respect for her. Consequently and perhaps somewhat overstated, judging him against fictionalized role models can cost her his love. (The fault-identifying process self-fulfills against her best interests.)
• Once doubt and suspicions set in, women pay more attention to reminders they encounter. Whether from real or fictionalized sources, they more easily see emotional infidelity in hubby. Consequently, their minds tend to become programmed against men generally and husband particularly. They too easily find faults to generate doubts about their man’s fidelity, which disturbs harmony in the home. 
• Why is he so much like the bad guys on TV? Or so little like the admirable ones? Doubts and suspicions accumulate over time, and wives fall prey to their own fears. Eventually they unlimber the fickle finger of unwarranted blame and aim it at him.
• Negative information and fictionalized dialogue stimulate her mind to imagine her man emotionally or physically involved with another woman; she easily imagines infidelity horrors. Such images shape her attitude and reflect outwardly as doubt about his trustworthiness. When he sees her doubt, it undermines his sense of self-trustworthiness, which undermines his determination to remain faithful to her.

One new habit can help her overcome those effects: Cancel out media influence by repeatedly using self-talk to confirm to herself that she trusts him, nothing negative, just trust and more trust. Also, convince herself that he’s better as Mr. Good Enough in real life than TV characters made to fit a Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong storyline.

In consequence, he will tend to rise up to meet her expectations as reflected by her appreciative and trusting attitude (and explained as the self-fulfilling prophecy in Part I). However, it neither perfects nor guarantees his faithfulness, but it’s the best way to keep the obligation of fidelity lodged in his conscience where it works best. 

 

905. Favored Quotes — Collection 10

“Bitterness is never a good look on women.” [Denise at 872]

“I am married to my own ‘Mr. Good Enough’ for 19 years, and still find I fall into the trap of ‘Mr. Right’ thinking.  Whenever I do, the clouds gather, I get resentful, and the family fails. When I remember he is ‘Good Enough’, we sail.” [Violet at 863]

“My current boyfriend admitted to me today that he actually likes the fact that I seem sexually shy and deep down I was thrilled that he said this! The virtual virginity thing has been working really well for me so far.” [Manda at #859]

“[I]t is more effective for an angry or unhappy woman to leave (for the day, the weekend, the week or forever) than to talk. Men respond to absence, not words. (Words are for women).” [LB at 836]

“It’s possible [to misunderstand] the true meaning & purpose of submitting. It really is more like yielding (as when you’re driving a car), & is, I think, a kind of ‘give & take’ on the road of life, if I can use that analogy.” [B. at 817]

“Texting is male-friendly and men like it because of its impersonalness (sic), and how it decreases potential rejection.” [Miss Dawn at 813]

Women complain “about how much their husbands want to have sex. It seems ungrateful to me. What is better than being desired by the man who loves you?” [Mrs. Laura Wood in email]

“[A] woman willing to take whatever she can get at the beginning of the relationship isn’t really encouraging more investment.” [Mrs. Pilgrim at 813]