1227. Separate Lives Under Same Roof

No one searching for faults or trying fruitlessly to change another can be grateful for that person. Gratitude grows from appreciation, not faultfinding. Happiness grows from gratefulness, not wishful thinking. Lifetime marriages sour on the tentacles of ungratefulness, criticism, and disrespectful opinions of one’s spouse. 

• When wife treats husband as immature or parents him as a child, it shifts his mental state back toward adolescence and WADWMUFGAO.* His ego seeks solace and takes the teen way out, so he cheats emotionally or physically.
• Wife makes maintaining her imperial nest more important than retaining her man. He quietly balks and finds interests other than with her.
• A wife finds faults, criticizes, and constantly tries to improve husband. His commitment weakens as he feels her pressure trying to change him. It grates on his masculine fiber, insults his manly nature, and primes him for departure.
• A wife can lose her man easily. If she makes him choose between his job and her, she should be prepared to lose something significant – quite possibly him. It is not that he loves her less than his job, but his self-worth arises from his job more than from his woman’s affection.
• Immature men dominate the home without showing much kindness, gratitude, or generosity. Such men reveal their nature early in relationships. Women can spot it in courtship. Generally, the immature man’s thinking, habits, and expectations revolve around younger values, standards, and ideals important mostly to teenagers but retained into adulthood.

The presence of nagging, whining, and overspending eventually outweighs the presence of good sex, good food, and good company. Over a lifetime the negatives never stop their emotional disturbances. But, the positives become common and routine. Both marriages and cohabiting fade when the fast growing kudzu vine of negatives smothers all the homey sunlight of liking one another.

* We All Do What Makes Us Feel Good About Ourselves.

749. Gender Differences Revisited — Group N

1. Sex to her is giving of herself. To him, it’s taking—especially their first time together.  
2. She is the expert on relationships and bonding. He is the expert on sex and escaping.
3. Starting at puberty, boys are turned off by female nagging—unless she’s a sex target as yet unconquered. It’s natural and for life.
4. Women hunger for marriage. Men can easily do without.
5. A man’s confidence emanates from his self-image, his picture of who and what he is. A woman’s emanates from her self-esteem, how well she likes herself as a person, her self-love.
6. The masculine way is eat to enjoy life. The feminine way is eat to sustain life.
7. The sexual pleasures for a woman are far outweighed by the other things she needs for a happy life. Men for the most part let sex substitute for whatever else is missing.
8. Therapeutic recovery for a man lies within his work or doing something. A woman mostly relies on time for healing while unloading anguish to the sympathetic and empathetic ears of friends.

739. Next to the Last Straw

Great bonding brings couples together, but it doesn’t keep them glued as one. Instead, unresolved disagreements and small irritants pile up to dissolve the glue and cover a relationship with rubbish. It smothers from the accumulation of irritants of which these offend men:

1. Embarrass him in public
2. Make him appear insignificant or treat him that way
3. Elevate kids over father or especially over him as husband
4. Show disloyal spirit toward him
5. Threaten, remind, or present him with sexual infidelity
6. Nag him beyond what he calls nagging (A nagatha per Mrs. Guy)
7. Challenge him as family CEO in front of others
8. Fail to provide what he expects as normal routine
9. Boss him around in what he considers his castle
10. Belittle him especially before the kids or friends
11. Withhold sex without health or physical reason
12. Manipulate him
13. Harp on his weaknesses
14. Reproach him before others
15. Groom carelessly such that his attention on her fades
16. Favor masculine vs. feminine appearances
17. Use feminist themes to get her way
18. Show unexpected immodesty
19. Show disrespect for him
20. Show her lack of or reduced self-respect
21. Overspend against his will
22. Reflect indifference to his sexual performance
23. Distance herself from close association with him
24. Make her interests dictate his behavior
25. Present him with her problems that defy his solutions

I’m not qualified to compile a list for women. If some deal-breaking irritants for women are sent to me, I’ll provide editorial treatment and publish them as if women need to be told.

657. Keepers for Keepers — Assortment 20

• Some women believe in little, so they tend to believe whatever a man says. This makes them soft-headed. [19]
• Having unmarried sex with a man bonds her, but not him. This keeps her from objectively evaluating him as potential Mr. Right. [17]
• Providing sex easily, she acts as the seller before conquest. It’s her as buyer before the altar, and seller afterward that leads to marital permanence. [12]
• Males crown their natural aggression and dominance with violence, unless women tame, civilize, and domesticate them. [18]
• A woman thrives on her man’s devoted attentions, because it confirms her value and importance to him. [4]
• Nagging and criticizing a man don’t teach him to lather affection on her, because both alienate him. [18]
• First things first: A woman needs to obey her female nature to become extraordinary so a man will marry her for keeps. [17]
• Respect to, gratefulness for, and dedication pledged to and kept with one man inspires masculine fidelity, but it doesn’t guarantee it. [7]

644. Response to Viewer — Item 15a

I dedicate this article to Her Highness Princess Rita, who posed a tough one:

Question: How does “a wife train her husband (to be more intimate, for example) without nagging him into the arms of another woman?” She really is asking: How can I get husband to adjust some bad habits that I dislike.

Answer: She does it indirectly, charmingly, and femininely after considering what she’s up against. (I stick with intimacy as the example.)

·        Men aren’t hormonally driven the same as women. Intimacy connects to sex but little else, and even then it’s mostly foreplay.

·        Men are highly results oriented, so intimacy appears unproductive except as prelude to sex. This means it has purpose for a short while and ends quickly.

·        Finding fault with a man’s shortcomings for intimacy sends the message he’s sexually inadequate. It’s worse than nagging.

·        Men are not energized by touching, cuddling, and deeply intimate behaviors. However, most men learn to provide frequent short bursts to please their woman or even please their selves.

·        He doesn’t identify with her need, because the need signals weakness for a man. To participate smoothly he must have a strong, protective, guardian role.

That describes husband. She’s up tomorrow at post 645.a

356. Female malpractice — Part 11

♀ ♣  Women get tattoos to dress up or add cuteness to exposed skin, and emphasize their equalness with men. Then, they wonder why more respect does not follow the slight increase in attention they get from shedding their modesty.

♀ ♣  Nagging arises from a heart hardened by selfishness. Not having what she wants, she seeks satisfaction through others.

♀ ♣  Nagging, when accepted by the naggee, perpetuates itself but produces unintended consequences.

♀ ♣  A woman disrespects or criticizes her man in front of others. He resents with silence and responds by shutting down. He’s not good company for awhile, and it should warn her. He’s stewing about it and other offenses, and she’s losing points. Enough points and she loses her license to appear with him, so he starts doing things alone—hobby, business, guy things.

♀ ♣  If she provides the money and home, she nullifies his role to protect and provide, and this makes him insignificant in his eyes if not hers. She cannot be totally grateful for him, and this deflates her potential for happiness. By his not providing their home, it cannot be his castle. Instability plagues such arrangements.

Ten more posts about Female malpractice appear in the CONTENT page in the blog header at the top.

324. Female malpractice — Part 10

Successful marriage comes not from big things such as love, responsibility, gratefulness, and dependability. It comes from the absence of little things that contradict, weaken, or destroy bonded emotions and disparage character traits.

·        Nagging destroys her likeability.

·        Laziness weakens her appeal.

·        Careless, sloppy, or no grooming distorts her attractiveness.

·        Ingratitude for him spoils her as needful of him.

·        Irresponsible spending highlights her selfishness.

·        Instant gratification show lack of intelligence or will power.

·        Withholding sex when not sick makes husband think of other women.

·        Manipulation displays lack of respect for him, especially when she uses sex to do it.

·        Demeaning him kills his respect for her, when his love is based on respect for her, but her love for him is not.

·        Lowering her standards weakens his respect.

·        Lack of her self-respect invites his greater dominance with less respect and love.

Changing herself—especially becoming a different person soon after marriage—convinces husband that he married the wrong woman. He expects precisely the person he married only better.

[Nine other posts about female malpractice are listed in the Content page at the top.]

298. Female malpractice — Part 9

♣  Relationship maintenance gone awry:  Blame or expect him to resolve whatever ails their two-way relationship. This doesn’t mean that he’s not due some blame, just that treating him as such is counterproductive.

♣  Nagging doesn’t get more offensive than that which tampers with his sense of sexual significance.

♣  Marital longevity shortens under pressure of sexually accessible women outside the home. The sisterhood’s sexual freedom thus devalues marriage.

♣  Women favor to live with a man rather than spend time choosing a great mate. One made less great, because he begrudges his predecessor(s).

♣  To satisfy their self-centeredness and exercise their will over others, women use conditional love to manipulate their man and raise their children. The effect torments everyone.

♣  The more that women practice masculine-style sexual freedom, the more dedicated becomes the sex-chasing lifestyle of men. Things domestic lose their allure.

♣  Trying to change a man sours his affection for whoever tries. Her pressure offends.

♣  After split up, she’s the only one qualified to tell her how wrong she may have been. But listening to others eases her pain.

[More about female malpractice appears in posts 278, 236, 221, 206, 189, 175, 164, and 150. Scroll down or search for the number with a dot and space following it.]