Tag Archives: nurturing

2065. Inspired Over Polish Food — Second Course


Out of a delightful Polish dinner with Her Highness Marie, one of my research consultants, I developed this article. She inspired two new thoughts about men and women, and two new principles came to light. I posted one at 2064 and the other here. It’s about improving a mother’s leadership.

After first grade starts, mom’s nurturing loses its effect. Keeping her influence mandates need for leadership. Whether direct or indirect leadership is the question to be answered here.

Lack of self-gratitude, lack of confidence in her natural strengths, and many frustrations subvert her natural ability. Especially frustrations caused by children locked naturally in self-development but partially disconnected from mom by unnatural phones and games. All of that causes mothers to adopt poor leadership habits.

Among other domestic pressures, frustration from disobedience pushes mom to take stronger action. Techniques that over time make mom dogmatic and even autocratic. It’s the style of leadership men use, direct. Give orders and expect obedience. However, it’s ungood for harmony among children naturally endowed with urges for self-development. They need, yearn for, and thrive on indirect leadership. Exactly the kind that women are prepared for at birth.

Women should not only tend to their man with indirectness and patience but also to raising children. Mother can’t go wrong by sticking to her nature but can easily slip into wrongdoing by copying male behavior. She’s not autocratic by nature, so she’s not at her most effective that way. When mom leads like dad, she weakens her influence, which makes kids less self-disciplined, which leads to more frustrations.

Although she can dominate children, she doesn’t gain by doing so. She has to discipline. But patience, understanding, and indirectness work better than harsher techniques observed in men. (I purposely leave out love as it too easily takes the form of indulgence, aka trying to buy instant obedience instead of helping children develop self-discipline.) The more that mom uses male techniques, the less effective she becomes at holding on to the hearts of her children. Don’t read that to mean she shouldn’t be tough—just tough indirectness, tough patience, tough understanding, hints toughened by silent ‘you better’, tough personality when challenged, admirable leader toughened by setting desired examples.

Moms can do much better by understanding that kids are self-developers, that patience is available in mom in huge amounts, and that indirectness is her God-given best style of leadership. While best when started with toddlers, moms can start later. In fact, they better get lots of practice before the onslaught of puberty, because patience and indirectness are all that works well in the teens when coaching is the best style of influencing for specific effects.

I realize now, the major principle behind coaching is indirectness and patience to enable players to self-develop. Of course, there’s a lot of loud misunderstanding about minor mistakes too. But they are made secondary because of toughness bred into kids by tough indirect leadership.

“The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”* Nothing better than mom’s indirect leadership keeps the rocking within limits during the self-development of her children. [*From William Ross Wallace’s poem “What Rules the World” published in 1865]

NOTE: Guy Jr. synthesized a modern day approach to discipline. I’ve asked him to describe it in a future posting.

 

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2023. Female Blessings at Birth — 31-33


This is the eleventh group and I’m grateful for your earlier responses.

I continue taking the (currently 88) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination. (Bear with me awhile. I’m in the process of renaming Default Attitudes as Female Blessings from Birth.)

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. It resonates in your heart as truth, even though you may never have thought of it. Don’t let my explanations alter your vote. How does the item register in your heart?

False means that the item is missing completely from your heart, it’s something you learned during life, or you just don’t think women are born that way.

Where I explain or add, I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge me.

31. I get endless enjoyment from nesting, nurturing, and nestling with loved ones. [Guy adds: It’s such a primal urge that women capitalize on using those skills as just other tasks among many. For example: They work around the house by putting off after-work relaxation. They hug children and even adults because it feels good. They amplify feeling good about themselves by sharing intimacy.]

32. I understand my work is never done, and that’s as it should be. [Guy adds: Both brightening her future and living a good life require extra output to confirm her importance to both herself and others.]

33. I understand that lovemaking is the man’s game but after-play intimacy is pretty much exclusively mine. [Guy adds: Orgasm releases him for sleep but not her completely. Even if she goes orgasmic, intimacy afterward is an endless wish that easily goes unfulfilled. Her mate’s sexual satisfaction is not sufficient to convince her of her overall importance. As with too few displays of affection, she seldom gets enough intimacy to confirm what she needs. She faces this male shortcoming. Men are poor readers even of their mates and even poorer appreciators of the female need for intimacy.]

Example for your response: “33-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception to anything.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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689. What Moms Never Hear — L: Infancy


Care and encouragement—aka nurturing—develops a child’s self-esteem defined as how well one likes and appreciates Self.

©     Self-esteem primarily forms in infancy. The infant’s brain integrates nurturing with genetic inheritance and hardwires the subconscious mind with some degree of high, low, or in-between self-esteem.

©     The brain hardwires itself in response to stimuli from caregivers and its environment before the conscious mind fully opens within the first three or so years. Unusual though it sounds, in effect the subconscious mind learns to like and later appreciate Self according to how others show proactive appreciation. Thus, self-esteem comes on line.

©     High self-esteem becomes brain-wired from plenty of loving and tender care without interruptions or shocking disruptions. In the absence of such care, wiring still takes place, but the baby’s brain wires itself with low self-esteem (aka self-worth).

©     Love applied and dislike denied to baby. The deeper, more varied, and proactive the appreciation shown, the higher the self-esteem develops.

©     Love denied and dislike applied to baby. Poor nurturing includes bickering, yelling, ignoring a baby’s discomfort or pain, loud noises since nothing makes sense, shocking interferences, and similar disturbances in care and encouragement. Poor or absent nurturing hardwires doubt and negative emotions that haunt self-esteem for life. Self-hatred springs easily from it.

It’s not an event but roughly a three year process. Self-esteem provides foundation. After that, self-image and self-interest become the phenomena that govern one’s life.

 

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624. Mothering Sons — #02: Responsibilities


Effective parenting flows from identifying and agreeing which parent is primarily responsible at each phase of son’s development. Fortunately as God designed and Nature provides, the optimum coincides with parental strengths in three roles—nurturer, leader, and coach with full explanations in later posts.

  • Infants—Primary responsibility lies with mom, because nurturing and mother love are particularly vital to generate high self-esteem. Father is responsible to support, reward, and encourage mother.
  • Toddlers—Same as for infants! However, self-esteem ceases development as self-image and self-interest begin development with opening of son’s consciousness and awareness as a person.
  • Tweens—Both parents work as leaders. Dad is big boss, mom is little boss. Son reports to mom, and she reports to dad. (Before you take offense, remember the blog purpose avoids raising bad boys.)
  • Teens—Parents become coaches. Their status, stature, and acceptance depend on their respective leadership effectiveness before puberty—i.e., the respect they earned, which arises much from the respect they gave to son.
  • Post teens—Parents become ‘hired’ advisors, which means they offer advice only when son seeks it.

Specialize in nurturing before the tweens, leading in the tweens, and coaching after the tweens. Mom and dad can do it easily, when they decide who has primary responsibility, who has mutual support role, and then fulfill their responsibilities during each phase.

This and the previous post, 623, introduce and define the series. What follows plugs gaps, fills voids, and answers questions you may have.

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623. Mothering Sons — #01: Phases


I dedicate this series to Her Highness Adrian. My words, not hers: What’s the secret to raising good boys? The answer: Don’t raise bad ones! —at which this series aims. Good boys are essentially accidents left over from teaching boys to like Self, respect others, admire good character, and live up to something bigger than themselves.

Mother: Get ‘perfect’ out of your mind. Perfection appeals to males as it does to females, but perfection is never what someone else identifies. Also, any human knows he’s incapable of perfection all the time about all things. So, quit trying to make him anywhere near perfect. He’ll resent you and become a disciplinary problem, mama’s boy, or perhaps co-dependent on someone or something.

Mother: You may not like it, but your sense of mothering should evolve as son passes through four development phases. Nurturing and love are not always the most important. Sometimes mom’s strengths are bothersome. More later.

Mother: View child development in three phases: He’s taught before first grade, he learns firsthand before puberty, and he already knows everything after that. So, mother has to face three phases of roughly six years each. But I cut the first phase roughly in half.

  • Infants—This is the first three or so years until the conscious mind comes alive and the child recognizes himself as a person, toddler to you.
  • Toddlers—The second three years or thereabouts.
  • Tweens—This phase runs from about age six or the first grade until puberty.
  • Teens—This phase runs from puberty onward.

Effective parenting flows from emphasizing three roles with mom and dad switching primary responsibility. That’s next.  

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569. Smother Love — Part C


This post continues how moms elevate kids over father/husband. These are definitely not ‘best practice’, because they program child’s mind negatively against father.

  • Mother distorts child’s perceptions with demeaning comments about father/husband. Not purposely perhaps, but carelessly making her nurturing chatter or self-talk both negative about husband and audible to the child.
  • Thinking, treating, and telling a child in the tweens that he’s number one programs the mind of both mother and child to elevate the child over father/husband. It threatens when mom supports child in the wrong over father/husband in the right. The man of the house, whether right or wrong, will prove himself right when they gang up on him. Imposing dominance reinforces his reign and saves face in whatever the situation.
  • When child has been hurt or harmed, claims of ‘you’re most important’ or ‘my favorite’ sound good but self-defeating. It confuses child’s mind. He sees a different world, when he’s not hurting. How can he be number one in her heart, when she slights him relative to others? Her credibility may take a minor hit with child, but that’s not the problem. It’s the loss of respect for father, when the child becomes convinced that he is number one and drags in mom to counter father’s disciplinary actions or husband’s decisions.
  • As part of nurturing chatter or hoping to lift or reinforce child’s self-esteem, mom repeatedly tells first child he’s most important thing in her life.
  • What does she tell second child? Most important too? Third child? (Her Majesty mother Grace confirmed our family structure with lighthearted, complimentary, and irrefutable confusion: Her Oldest and Most Precious, Her Second and Most Precious, Her Youngest and Most Precious, and me. By leaving me out, she isolated and elevated me as husband above the boys. However, after boys were grown, out of title envy I claimed my ownHer Oldest and Most Able at the Table.)

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480. What Moms Never Hear —I: Babyhood


Two minds merge at birth, but moms seldom hear this:

©     Nurturing or its lack develops and shapes her child’s self-esteem. How provided and who provides the nurturing determines how the child likes and appreciates Self for life.

©     Father has drives that conflict with nurturing. He’s driven to shape human events, whereas mother is driven to shape human lives. Trying to alter or close this natural gap does so at the expense of infant’s self-esteem.

©     Mother with a good mothering self-image nurtures her baby well. She usually strives to be the main authority, protector, and perhaps exclusive nurturer.

©     Mother naturally does well unless she lets negative feelings—e.g., selfishness, envy, jealousy, overwork, and frustration—slip into her thinking and reshape her nurturing.

©     Mom is the most qualified and prepared to make everything positive and consistently appreciative of infant. Unfortunately, she’s also the most influential for souring a child’s appreciation of Self.

©     A mom’s low self-esteem, unflattering self-image as mother, or detached self-interest as a nurturer can easily interfere with her quality of nurturing. This bodes ill for the child’s self-esteem.

Mom does her best. She does even better, when father is available. For more about her nurturing and father’s contributions see the NURTURING series in the CONTENTS page at blog top.

Details about self-esteem follows at post 481.

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