Tag Archives: nurturing

2023. Female Blessings at Birth — 31-33


This is the eleventh group and I’m grateful for your earlier responses.

I continue taking the (currently 88) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination. (Bear with me awhile. I’m in the process of renaming Default Attitudes as Female Blessings from Birth.)

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. It resonates in your heart as truth, even though you may never have thought of it. Don’t let my explanations alter your vote. How does the item register in your heart?

False means that the item is missing completely from your heart, it’s something you learned during life, or you just don’t think women are born that way.

Where I explain or add, I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge me.

31. I get endless enjoyment from nesting, nurturing, and nestling with loved ones. [Guy adds: It’s such a primal urge that women capitalize on using those skills as just other tasks among many. For example: They work around the house by putting off after-work relaxation. They hug children and even adults because it feels good. They amplify feeling good about themselves by sharing intimacy.]

32. I understand my work is never done, and that’s as it should be. [Guy adds: Both brightening her future and living a good life require extra output to confirm her importance to both herself and others.]

33. I understand that lovemaking is the man’s game but after-play intimacy is pretty much exclusively mine. [Guy adds: Orgasm releases him for sleep but not her completely. Even if she goes orgasmic, intimacy afterward is an endless wish that easily goes unfulfilled. Her mate’s sexual satisfaction is not sufficient to convince her of her overall importance. As with too few displays of affection, she seldom gets enough intimacy to confirm what she needs. She faces this male shortcoming. Men are poor readers even of their mates and even poorer appreciators of the female need for intimacy.]

Example for your response: “33-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception to anything.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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689. What Moms Never Hear — L: Infancy


Care and encouragement—aka nurturing—develops a child’s self-esteem defined as how well one likes and appreciates Self.

©     Self-esteem primarily forms in infancy. The infant’s brain integrates nurturing with genetic inheritance and hardwires the subconscious mind with some degree of high, low, or in-between self-esteem.

©     The brain hardwires itself in response to stimuli from caregivers and its environment before the conscious mind fully opens within the first three or so years. Unusual though it sounds, in effect the subconscious mind learns to like and later appreciate Self according to how others show proactive appreciation. Thus, self-esteem comes on line.

©     High self-esteem becomes brain-wired from plenty of loving and tender care without interruptions or shocking disruptions. In the absence of such care, wiring still takes place, but the baby’s brain wires itself with low self-esteem (aka self-worth).

©     Love applied and dislike denied to baby. The deeper, more varied, and proactive the appreciation shown, the higher the self-esteem develops.

©     Love denied and dislike applied to baby. Poor nurturing includes bickering, yelling, ignoring a baby’s discomfort or pain, loud noises since nothing makes sense, shocking interferences, and similar disturbances in care and encouragement. Poor or absent nurturing hardwires doubt and negative emotions that haunt self-esteem for life. Self-hatred springs easily from it.

It’s not an event but roughly a three year process. Self-esteem provides foundation. After that, self-image and self-interest become the phenomena that govern one’s life.

 

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624. Mothering Sons — #02: Responsibilities


Effective parenting flows from identifying and agreeing which parent is primarily responsible at each phase of son’s development. Fortunately as God designed and Nature provides, the optimum coincides with parental strengths in three roles—nurturer, leader, and coach with full explanations in later posts.

  • Infants—Primary responsibility lies with mom, because nurturing and mother love are particularly vital to generate high self-esteem. Father is responsible to support, reward, and encourage mother.
  • Toddlers—Same as for infants! However, self-esteem ceases development as self-image and self-interest begin development with opening of son’s consciousness and awareness as a person.
  • Tweens—Both parents work as leaders. Dad is big boss, mom is little boss. Son reports to mom, and she reports to dad. (Before you take offense, remember the blog purpose avoids raising bad boys.)
  • Teens—Parents become coaches. Their status, stature, and acceptance depend on their respective leadership effectiveness before puberty—i.e., the respect they earned, which arises much from the respect they gave to son.
  • Post teens—Parents become ‘hired’ advisors, which means they offer advice only when son seeks it.

Specialize in nurturing before the tweens, leading in the tweens, and coaching after the tweens. Mom and dad can do it easily, when they decide who has primary responsibility, who has mutual support role, and then fulfill their responsibilities during each phase.

This and the previous post, 623, introduce and define the series. What follows plugs gaps, fills voids, and answers questions you may have.

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623. Mothering Sons — #01: Phases


I dedicate this series to Her Highness Adrian. My words, not hers: What’s the secret to raising good boys? The answer: Don’t raise bad ones! —at which this series aims. Good boys are essentially accidents left over from teaching boys to like Self, respect others, admire good character, and live up to something bigger than themselves.

Mother: Get ‘perfect’ out of your mind. Perfection appeals to males as it does to females, but perfection is never what someone else identifies. Also, any human knows he’s incapable of perfection all the time about all things. So, quit trying to make him anywhere near perfect. He’ll resent you and become a disciplinary problem, mama’s boy, or perhaps co-dependent on someone or something.

Mother: You may not like it, but your sense of mothering should evolve as son passes through four development phases. Nurturing and love are not always the most important. Sometimes mom’s strengths are bothersome. More later.

Mother: View child development in three phases: He’s taught before first grade, he learns firsthand before puberty, and he already knows everything after that. So, mother has to face three phases of roughly six years each. But I cut the first phase roughly in half.

  • Infants—This is the first three or so years until the conscious mind comes alive and the child recognizes himself as a person, toddler to you.
  • Toddlers—The second three years or thereabouts.
  • Tweens—This phase runs from about age six or the first grade until puberty.
  • Teens—This phase runs from puberty onward.

Effective parenting flows from emphasizing three roles with mom and dad switching primary responsibility. That’s next.  

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569. Smother Love — Part C


This post continues how moms elevate kids over father/husband. These are definitely not ‘best practice’, because they program child’s mind negatively against father.

  • Mother distorts child’s perceptions with demeaning comments about father/husband. Not purposely perhaps, but carelessly making her nurturing chatter or self-talk both negative about husband and audible to the child.
  • Thinking, treating, and telling a child in the tweens that he’s number one programs the mind of both mother and child to elevate the child over father/husband. It threatens when mom supports child in the wrong over father/husband in the right. The man of the house, whether right or wrong, will prove himself right when they gang up on him. Imposing dominance reinforces his reign and saves face in whatever the situation.
  • When child has been hurt or harmed, claims of ‘you’re most important’ or ‘my favorite’ sound good but self-defeating. It confuses child’s mind. He sees a different world, when he’s not hurting. How can he be number one in her heart, when she slights him relative to others? Her credibility may take a minor hit with child, but that’s not the problem. It’s the loss of respect for father, when the child becomes convinced that he is number one and drags in mom to counter father’s disciplinary actions or husband’s decisions.
  • As part of nurturing chatter or hoping to lift or reinforce child’s self-esteem, mom repeatedly tells first child he’s most important thing in her life.
  • What does she tell second child? Most important too? Third child? (Her Majesty mother Grace confirmed our family structure with lighthearted, complimentary, and irrefutable confusion: Her Oldest and Most Precious, Her Second and Most Precious, Her Youngest and Most Precious, and me. By leaving me out, she isolated and elevated me as husband above the boys. However, after boys were grown, out of title envy I claimed my ownHer Oldest and Most Able at the Table.)

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480. What Moms Never Hear —I: Babyhood


Two minds merge at birth, but moms seldom hear this:

©     Nurturing or its lack develops and shapes her child’s self-esteem. How provided and who provides the nurturing determines how the child likes and appreciates Self for life.

©     Father has drives that conflict with nurturing. He’s driven to shape human events, whereas mother is driven to shape human lives. Trying to alter or close this natural gap does so at the expense of infant’s self-esteem.

©     Mother with a good mothering self-image nurtures her baby well. She usually strives to be the main authority, protector, and perhaps exclusive nurturer.

©     Mother naturally does well unless she lets negative feelings—e.g., selfishness, envy, jealousy, overwork, and frustration—slip into her thinking and reshape her nurturing.

©     Mom is the most qualified and prepared to make everything positive and consistently appreciative of infant. Unfortunately, she’s also the most influential for souring a child’s appreciation of Self.

©     A mom’s low self-esteem, unflattering self-image as mother, or detached self-interest as a nurturer can easily interfere with her quality of nurturing. This bodes ill for the child’s self-esteem.

Mom does her best. She does even better, when father is available. For more about her nurturing and father’s contributions see the NURTURING series in the CONTENTS page at blog top.

Details about self-esteem follows at post 481.

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474. What Moms Never Hear — E: Parents develop too


There’s no such thing as motivation, there’s only self-motivation for both parents and, except in the earliest years or under threat of hurt, children.

Parents inclined to see their parental roles as ‘motivators’ may want to consider other methods. Love and nurturing fade in effectiveness for influencing and changing a child’s mindset as a child ages. Common sense counsels parents to develop new skills and techniques. These work: leadership guided by principles in the tweens and coaching guided by respect and trust in the teens.

Ø Self-interest is the psychological force that energizes self-motivation. The same psychological function motivates each child, albeit underdeveloped, unpredictable, and often nonsensical.

Ø Except to relieve anxiety and assuage hurt, both love and nurturing become increasingly ineffective to energize children after age six or seven.

Ø A leadership hierarchy, one parent more powerful and respected than the other, shapes toddler thinking best as the little ones transition toward the tweens.

Ø Leadership overpowers love and nurturing in the development of tweens.

Ø Good leadership specializes in respect and trust downward before it’s earned and upward after it’s earned.

Ø Parents that split leadership roles into primary and secondary functions enable their selves to balance practical hard-headedness with loving soft-heartedness—the essence of raising tweens. 

Ø Effectiveness of both parent leaders depends upon acceptance, endorsement, and backup of each other in front of the kids. Otherwise, respect for one or both weakens, and kids pick up more details for later getting their own way.

Ø After puberty, love and nurturing don’t work well in the teens, although they can help with angst and hurts. Leadership also weakens. Consequently, coaching works best to retain parental leverage.

Ø Mutual respect and trust exchanged between leaders and followers in the tweens provides the best foundation for successful coaching in the teens.

Considering only parental leverage in the teens, leadership principles provide good guidance for parental development in the tweens.  

NOTE: More later about leadership principles and coaching. Nurturing is addressed in the series of that name listed in the CONTENTS page at blog top.

Details about the perils of co-equal leaders follow as next post facto.

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