260. Female Fortitude — 76 through 80

These ‘fortitudinals’ provide special themes or summaries. Numbers match the posts.

76.   She seeks to be friends with her kids and elevates them to adult status. This demotes husband to subordinate status, which he views as insignificance and, therefore, insufferable.

77.   A woman has to sell a man on fidelity, marriage, and her female worth as comfort partner. Otherwise, men focus on frequent and convenient sex as comfort from their daily ‘battles’.

78.   She welcomes kids with open arms but not him. She takes his arrival home for granted, because she wants relief with the kids.

79.   Hook up but no call? She lost her footing playing in a man’s territory.

80.   Trying to make a couple’s life fair or equal is self-defeating.  

[Previous fortitudinals appear in posts 255, 250, 245, 240, 234, 228, 213, 203, 199, 186, 182, and 176.

156. Her sexual history—Part 06

♀ He measures his manly prowess by her sexual worth after his conquest. Much of her retention value hinges on it. He wonders roundabout and over time: Who else conquered this woman, if she is to be anything more than a sex target to me?

♀ Extreme privacy about her sexual past serves her best, but it’s tough to keep. Women talk to unload their guilt or blame their ex. But friends sometimes disclose what they shouldn’t. (Women feel more guilt than men when relationships fail. It helps confirm that women are better relationship experts and managers.)

♀ Her mate wants to know of her past, but she should let him wonder. Ex-husbands are known as partners, of course, but all details should be verboten.  Non-husband partners count against her, so she only makes it worse even acknowledging those relationships. Even platonic male friends and acquaintances can be suspect. (On this subject, his imagination can run wild at the slightest hint of suspicion.)

♀ After split up and explaining to relieve guilt, she seeks both sympathy and empathy for her mistakes and her ex’s inadequacies. Encouragement by others to make her feel better confirms her rightness. Friends easily assign blame to her ex. Future lovers might too if she tells a compelling story, but it’s hazardous to their relationship health.

 

61. Why he doesn’t hear her—Part II

Men don’t listen to men about dealing with women. It’s a principle that stems from their competitive natures and opposing personas. Each man knows best how he will treat each kind of woman he encounters. If necessary, he’ll fake it until he makes it. Each man expects that ultimately one woman with feminine skills will finally settle him down to his rewards as husband and father.  

Men don’t listen to women about dealing with women. Again, it’s the masculine nature, but the unstated messages he hears and the unintended consequences mislead women.

She says, “You are not as courteous as I desire,” and he also hears “…and I expect you to change.” Or, she says, “You can do better,” and he hears, “…and you’d better.” Or, she says, “We need to dress up for this affair tonight,” and he hears, “…your wardrobe needs updating.” He hears that she expects him to change. Resistance sets in, and her words don’t register as she intends.

This is especially true, if they’ve had their first sex together. If she’s unconquered by him, however, the effect differs. He hears, he heeds, and he modifies his behavior in whatever way he thinks will advance his agenda for bed time together. He may or may not change to please her or as she hoped. However he changes, spread out over time, will likely become habitual. Long sex-free courtships accumulate more habitual changes that please her.

Men seldom hear what their woman says, unless certain conditions attach to show respect and gratefulness for him and what he does. Examples are described as ‘nessies’ in post #59 and options in #60 below.

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A Guy Note: In this blog it makes no sense to itemize what men should do or be like, or what women expect from their man. No one has correct answers except each woman dealing with each man. It’s always up to her to finely balance and fine tune their respective agendas into their mutual agenda.  

56. Submissiveness—Section 1

I  separate two similar terms but very different concepts—submission vs. submissiveness. They are related but not synonymous. Treating them alike doesn’t just cloud over, it blacks out the vital issues.  

When the subject of ‘submission’ arises, people jump to conclusions. Such as, wife must capitulate to husband’s domination. He’s the boss even before push comes to shove. This makes it arguable, and women rightfully argue unfairness and injustice.

I regard ‘submission’ as without merit. It’s a prop for political advantage and pits women against men. It causes damage, because it’s more arguable than relevant.

On the other hand, ‘submissiveness’ is a cooperative spirit usually expected of the wife, the relationship expert. Regardless of its name and who has it, such a spirit is essential for marriage to work.

Any organization needs a CEO, a final authority who makes the toughest decisions and answers for failures. Two-boss organizations inevitably fall apart, and people—think kids—are confused by two equal authorities to whom they report. It’s so easy to play one against the other.

Without the presence of a submissive and cooperative spirit in one partner, disagreements rise to disputes, which promotes resentment, which causes alienation, which transmutes to bitterness, and makes matrimony crash from acrimony.

More to follow.

37. When women act like men — Part 1

During her lifetime each female several times wrings herself out from tears that flow after her relationship falls apart. Then, she starts again her standard search for a teen boyfriend, Mr. Right, or Mister Last Chance. But eventually bad habits and desperation, or vice versa, creep in. She tries harder to please the next candidate.

Unfortunately, many women try to do so by making themselves more like men. They adopt masculine habits, such as sloppy attire, gungy grooming, lounging around as one of the guys, sealing friendships through intercourse, ignoring female-friendly moral standards even unto raunchiness, and generally letting men dominate the female side of their world.

Jean Jacque Rousseau said long ago: “The more women want to resemble them, the less women will govern them, and then men will truly be the masters.”

Trying too hard to win and keep a man, women repeatedly march into misery and away from marital success. As if some fateful voice calls cadence, break ups resound throughout the female world:

Hup, toop, thureep, four. Hup, toop, thureep, four. Hook up, shack up, marry up, split up. Hook up, marry up, muck up, pay up. Hook up, link up, everybody knock up. Shack up, split up, shack up, split up. Link up, shack up, cohabiting nice; keep up mating, but forget the rice. Hup, toop, thureep, four, and there he goes, out the door.

And men march in lock step alongside the female soft-headed drumbeat.

34. Sex and the fickle girl—Part I

Women too often ignore or forget these facts of life. 

♀♂ Marriage and associated responsibilities don’t uplift men, they constrain.

♀♂ Women need men more than the reverse, especially those women hopeful of a permanent relationship.

♀♂ Women work to love. Men love to work.

♀♂ To stay with a woman, men must be rewarded for husbanding and fathering—as the male gender sets standards, and each man measures the benefits.

♀♂ A man’s love is based on respect for her and her likeability supporting him in his work.

♀♂ Women expect to hear affection expressed in multiple ways and demonstrated on frequent occasions. Men don’t think that way. (Both have A.D.D. as described in post #3 below.)

♀♂ Without moral standards, female expectations, and motherly teachings that tame, civilize, and domesticate the male nature, masculinity emerges as unfriendly dominance, aggressiveness, and even violence. (This puts women in charge of cultural values—or they abdicate as modern women are doing.)

♀♂ Women like to claim that men are only after sex. Actually, sexual availability is the measure by which men judge women for their loyalty to and dependence upon a man.

♀♂ Women play an auxiliary role in the natural side of the masculine life. This requires that each woman seeking to live with a man compensate by energizing him to help pursue her individual interests, hopes, and dreams. (Of course women have other options, but they should expect to eventually lose their partner. She can change his behavior but not his nature.)

 

♀♂ Women can enjoy masculine-style sexual freedom, but they eventually lose when playing the man’s game. (More later)

♀♂  Divulging her sexual history to a man injects poison into their relationship. (More later)