1773. Sex Difference Redux — Part 27: Love X (w/ Kathy Petersen)

Improving the Underdeveloped Male Heart

My writing partner on this subseries suggested this post about what women can do when they run into or end up with a man with an underdeveloped heart. That is, a boy raised by an overly loving but unlovable mother. He displays several or most of these symptoms and perhaps some or many other traits disliked by females:

• He consistently appears selfish, extreme self-centered and/or narcissistic.
• He frequently displays an impatient, angry, ill-tempered, and perhaps explosive character.
• He commits with words easy to escape from; he won’t devote to someone else with any but the simplest actions.
• He expects recognition and rewards for inconsequential achievements.
• He demands to be respected when he doesn’t get his way.
• He repeatedly reveals a weak sense of personal responsibility.
• He has pulled emotionally away from his childhood family, especially his mother.
• Unable to socialize well, he withdraws further when pressure mounts for togetherness or extensive socializing with other than old buddies.

Teen girls are first to encounter such a guy. Unless they find infatuation at first sight, they spotlight his unattractive character. They show signs they don’t approve of him as a person, much less as a potential boyfriend. It confirms his sense of unworthiness, which prevents further heart-development. Girls help a little when they treat him just as they treat mainstream boys. The more open, friendly, and admiring girls are to him, the more likely his heart-development will continue to improve. [My series Boot Camp for Girls in the CONTENTS page offers many other techniques and practices for girls that help in their process of taming boys for domestic life.]

Single women are not so quickly turned off by a man sporting an underdeveloped heart. They have a hope and a belief. They hope for marriage and believe they can change for the good whomever they marry. However, both the hope and belief are wrapped by sex. Withholding of premarital sex promotes a lasting marriage and enables a woman to lay the foundation for changing her husband. Unwrapping sex by uncrossing her legs to the underdeveloped heart makes the guy see that he’s adequate if not perfect, good enough for her, and he sees no need to change or otherwise please her further. Thus, the promise she holds as his wife weakens and her belief she can change him disappears without her being aware of it.

Wives have greater hope, ability, and time to reinforce their belief they can change husband for the good. She starts by ignoring each and every one of his underdeveloped heart faults. She married for better or worse, and it positions her to coach him into adopting habits of her choosing. It’s all a matter of indirectness, affirmation, and seed planting. Only wife can figure out how to improve him, but she can only do it if she avoids things that turn off husbands. She does best who capitalizes on ways that favor the male psyche:

• She finds ways to convert her negative feelings about his actions into some kind of affirmation of him, her, or them. Men want to please their woman, but they don’t know when, what, why, and how something works. So, not understanding the full picture, they tend to not try.
• She doesn’t complain about him for anything. She doesn’t accuse. Instead, she smiles and swallows the pain in hope of brighter days ahead.
• She doesn’t explain herself. If she longs for something, she explains as little as possible and leaves him to digest her disappointment if he fails to do his part. If accused, she smiles and swallows the pain in hope of brighter days ahead.
• She learns to distinguish what he considers his duty from other accomplishments. She recognizes with a smile his fulfilling of duty. She finds a reward, however insignificant, for those things he considers an accomplishment. For example, a duty may be mowing the lawn. He deserves a reward for his having her car serviced at low cost or washed unexpectedly for her, perhaps a just-baked brownie snack wrapped in her charming smiles. (His learning by actions what pleases her is far better than her telling him.)

Modern women have been indoctrinated to believe they shouldn’t be so acquiescent to husband’s faults and unappealing behaviors. It’s a good reason behind so many divorces. Women are the relationship experts; marital success depends on them, whether they can acknowledge or stand for it.

1117. Favored Quotes — Collection 17

More reader wit, wisdom, and wisecracks appear below.

“I kept a diary thru my pre-teen and teenage years and as I reflect, those were the most self-respecting years of my life…seems counter-intuitive but it is true.” [Jessica at 1103]

“And, sadly, both men and women tend to sabotage their (potential) future together by trying to get what they want without having earned it, without having built the foundation on which it can stand (or cultivated the garden in which it can grow). The most common cause of this failure is pre-marital sex.” [Ilion at 1102]

“Grind those men and sift their character! XD” [Simplicity Evermore at 1104]

“What fun I’ve had watching the façade the alpha types put up crumble.” [Gonemaverick at 1114.1]

“Both [Christian] men and women are called to be intensely giving and selfless.  The difference is where the giving and selflessness is aimed. Women are oriented towards the personal and relational, and their giving is generally aimed at the individual. They nurture and support people in need. Men are more oriented towards the objective—i.e., the world of rules and ideas. They work diligently in the pursuit of knowledge and justice.” [Violet at 1104]

“Today [young girls] watch “Tangled” [new movie] and tomorrow when they find no answers in popular culture, they will come to your website to become “Untangled” [Marianne at 1114.1]

785. Favored Quotes — Collection 7

• “Approval seeking isn’t attractive behavior – men are doing us a favor by ignoring it. It kills our mystery.” (LB from 718)
•  “[T]o be shown respect I must show respect.” (Keith at Author page)
• “I dated and married him before I was a Christian, and had premarital sex with him, so I don’t believe he ever respected me. In fact, he never trusted me even though I was faithful to our marriage. Funny how that works.” (Princess Princess at 708)
•  “I don’t know who wrote it, but I love this quote and believe it may also answer [Sunny’s] question: ‘A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.’” (Sharon at 719 and I use it elsewhere)
• [N]o matter how hard things got financially I couldn’t leave my babies.…My husband’s job was to make the living and mine was (and is) to make life worth living and I didn’t wait for him to make the living to make a joyful, welcoming home for him and our children. (Jill F. at 746)
• And when a woman is happy and contented rather than stressed and overworked, the family will be happier, in spite of the lack of luxuries… (Ladylike at 757)

319. The high cost of cheap sex—13

Cheap sex to males means no permanent obligations. The easier the conquest and escape, the cheaper the sex.

·        Cheap sex turns mature men into teen-minded boys. The things women consider vital have much less value to adolescents—personal responsibility, faithfulness, marriage, family, dependability, truthful promises of commitment, reliable pledges of devotion, adherence to vows.

·        By cheapening sex, women cheapen themselves. Relatively, this makes males more powerful, dominant, independent and, therefore, valuable in society.

·        Males made more valuable force women to compete with each other, to make themselves more worthy for men. Hunks profit from quiet patience, as women fight over them. This reverses the natural way of men competing and making themselves worthy of a woman.

·        Sex outside of marriage gets ever cheaper as men grow more dominant relative to women. More eager to look elsewhere even when committed to someone.

·        Unmarried sex doesn’t provide what men naturally seek in a woman—if he’s to be permanent in her life. So, he has little sense of permanency. This makes him unreliable for faithfulness to her.

In the final analysis, men do whatever women require for frequent and convenient access to sex. And, unmarrried sex requires no loss of independence.

[More about high costs of cheap sex appears in posts 284, 226, 207, 190, 171, 161, 149, 138, 99, 84, 39, and 2. Scroll down or search by the number with dot and space following.]

318. His Mindset About Sex

The female mindset: Women worry about three phases of sex: foreplay, intercourse, and intimacy afterward. Men don’t.

Background

·        Adolescent male nature:  Intercourse is just intercourse. Foreplay should be unnecessary but can be fun. Intimacy interferes with recovery. Who’s next?

·        Mature male nature: Certain emotional involvements—such as respect and affection for her—add meaning and necessity to a man’s foreplay and intimacy. Her likeability adds too, but her attractiveness does not. (Attractiveness inspires the chase, but its emotional involvement fades after foreplay.)

A man’s sense of responsibility, significance, and permanence with his partner add considerations and connectedness that she appreciates. But his devotion makes him far more receptive to fulfilling her needs, especially after romantic love fades in a year or two.

The male mindset: Men are hormonally loaded to conquer attractive women. They plan around and worry about three things different than females: pre-conquest, post-conquest, and avoiding loss of their independence to hunt and conquer.

Of course, some men plan for and seek marriage. Being devoted to marriage is not the same as devoted to her, so she still has worries about his foreplay, intimacy, and even permanence.  

For more on the male mindset, see the Content page at the top for this series. Also try Do women know jack about Jack?

 

306. Sex and the fickle girl — Part 14

♀  When a woman concludes that men are only after one thing, it’s because she offers too little else.

♀  Women generate their own unhappiness. A woman focuses on her man’s negatives, which worsen precisely because of her attentions.

♀  Booty call: The screwing she gets for the screwing he gets. Duty sluthood costs her much more male respect that she can ever imagine.

♀  College girls major in booty for reasons incomprehensible to any father.   

♀  Capturing a man is easy. Keeping one is not. The burden is on her. Her nature seeks togetherness, and his seeks freedom.

♀  Virgin girls believe they won’t get dumped if they yield. Actually, to men, the more his buds have tried and failed, the easier she is to dump, unless he’s really into her other strengths and attributes.  

♀  It’s self-fulfilling: A wife blames husband for his faults. Accused men defend themselves by disproving the evidence presented. Debate amplifies his faults into failures in her eyes. He gets worse.

♀  Women abandon femininity, modesty, high moral standards, and other female strengths just to have a boyfriend they can’t keep, because of what they abandoned.

[More about sex and fickle females appears in posts 291, 259, 246, 229, 216, 201, 184, 170, 160, 148, 137, 93, and 34. Scroll down or search by the number followed by a dot and space.]

304. Lifelong husbands—made, not born — Part I

Many complications muck up lifelong marriages in modern America. Five follow.

1.     The wisdom of the ages is lost. Women can’t learn from their moms, because their moms didn’t listen to their moms. It exploded four decades ago. Girls and young women rebelled and spouted slogans with revolutionary zeal: Don’t listen to anyone over thirty, Down with authority, Distrust parents, Ignore authority figures. We’re several generations deep now with women shaping their lives around these adolescent values. What one generation allows, the next practices.

2.     Men do whatever they have to do to have frequent and convenient access to sex. Because many women provide unmarried sex, men are encouraged not to swap independence for responsibility.

3.     The feminine nature presented with pride and charm appeals and turns men ON for female influence about helping fulfill a woman’s hopes and dreams. Our forefathers followed that model. But not modern men. Feminist politics, theory, and dogma turn men OFF for yielding masculine independence.  

4.     Men seek justice. Women seek equality. As women seek greater equality with men, they give up justice. The PC crowd—political correctioneers— destroy justice. PCers and feminists disconnect females from male empathy and sympathy. They reject the separate but equal roles that family life requires for mutual respect, harmony, success, and longevity.

5.     Morality serves women more than men. Women can use it, men don’t need it. Our Judeo-Christian cultural heritage serves women even better. It goes beyond morals to guide men and women into separate but equal roles in home and society. However, ideologies such as humanism, secularism, relativism, and elitism replace morality and religion with values that expand male dominance, serve males over females, and throw away what’s best for families.*

* See the Worldviews page for more about these ‘isms’.

302. Her sexual history — Part 09

♂?♀  Her faulty reasoning: She seeks a man’s empathy or sympathy about her ex. Whatever she gains will be lost as he ponders about or imagines her sex with ex.

♂?♀  Uncovering her sexual history is masculine due diligence. Men want to know, but least is best.

♂?♀  Knowledge is vital to his future interests. What should arouse his suspicions? How can he estimate her potential and confirm her faithfulness? How should he react when encountering men who have laid with her?

♂?♀  Feminine intuition tops full-disclosure. While not easy, women have the skills and expertise to hide who, what, when, where, why, and how of what he doesn’t already know.

♂?♀  Former relationships may be known to her man, but no mention should be made or details disclosed. It’s taboo.

♂?♀  Women should plan and develop non-disclosure tactics long before a relationship begins.