Tag Archives: relationship

1973. Sexes Differ on Jealousy Too


Her Highness Cocoa at post 1098 asked how jealousy may be different between the sexes. So, I start with this definition. Her greatest asset is not sex itself. It is a couple’s first sex together, his conquest. Once conquered—except for minor (and temporary for her) differences in sexual performance—she is just another woman to the conqueror. He’s ready to look for the next one. The natural urge to conquer another far outweighs the natural urge to own one. She is left with the task of earning his devotion and winning his loyalty other than with sex.

Conquest confirms this to the conqueror. By yielding her greatest asset to his persuasiveness, she follows his leadership. He has done enough to thereafter dominate their relationship. Effectively he ‘owns’ her if he wants to. Her natural bonding during sex supports his conclusion. By marrying her, he doubles down on that presumption. It makes ownership permanent in his heart and obligations arise to produce, provide, protect, and problem solve on her behalf.

The lessons of life teach some men to question their nature, to doubt that their conqueror’s right guarantees her loyalty. They perceive even the smallest signs of possible disloyalty as weakening their sense of significance, and they respond easily to jealous motives. Fear motivates them.

Other men, more confident of themselves and their ability to win and hold any woman’s loyalty, do not so easily succumb. ‘Possession’ of a woman is not so large a part of their significance. They focus on earning self-admiration in ways other than owning someone. They are not immune to jealousy; it’s just much harder to trigger it.

Very different from men, women have no natural conviction that they deserve to own another. They know they must earn and keep one’s commitment through his words, devotion through his actions, and loyalty through his monogamous fidelity. The closest thing they achieve to ownership comes from conquering a man for marriage before he conquers her for sex.

Highly prone to guilt, women react differently to signs of disloyalty in their man. The lessons of life teach some women to question or abandon their instincts. To such a woman, jealousy follows her sense of impending loss of ownership in her man. She automatically blames him and just as intuitively assumes herself as the innocent victim. She reacts accordingly, and her man rejects her implications of owning him. Her obvious lack of trust wilts his respect for her and turns him off regardless of his innocence or guilt.

Other women, more confident of themselves and their ability to capture and keep a man’s loyalty, do not easily succumb to jealous thoughts. They recognize their nature and that emotional fidelity is more important than physical faithfulness. They can live with the latter but not the former. So, jealousy does not enter their thoughts until they see the red flags of impending infidelity. Mere association with another woman does not induce jealous thoughts. It just triggers suspicions intuitively held in check until evidence is more convincing. Intuition informs them that to verbalize suspicions is to destroy the trust so vital to a man’s respect of his woman. Such women are not above it but are far less prone to appear jealous.

Jealousy is not natural to either sex. It springs from lessons learned growing up and arises and intensifies according to one’s self-image of how well or poorly they relate to the opposite sex.

 

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1972. Eyes and Ears in Relationships


Background. Judging the behavior of others is a necessary function of life. We judge harshly when others’ actions or words make us feel bad about ourselves. We judge kindly when they make us feel good. It’s not so much what they do, it’s how it impacts us and how our reactions spring from our feelings at the moment. The accumulation of micro judgments compiles into our opinion of the worth to us of the one we judge. However, the process makes a huge turnaround after conquest. Men and women judge quite differently after than before conquest; they primarily use another sensor.

The Natural Way. As hunter-conqueror and sex prey before conquest, his eyes and her ears are the dominant sense organs. Within any relationship that follows conquest, they switch. Their relationship primarily depends upon what he does to and for her and what she says to and about him. Thus, her femaleness urges her to judge by looking at what he does. His maleness urges him to judge after hearing that she says something and, if relevant to his interest, listening to what she says.

Irony follows. His ears and her eyes play the most important roles at energizing their behavior. It explains why innocent actions often offend and reactions often seem to not be directly connected. Such as:

  1. Her nagging assaults his ears, which tends to make him want to avoid the noise by favoring his most natural sensor, his eyes. Perhaps by looking for other attractive females (which means that nagging also reduces her attractiveness).
  2. His laziness spoils her vision of their future.
  3. He hears about her gossiping about him, and he feels doubly offended by her apparent betrayal.
  4. She sees that he won’t ask for a pay raise, and she loses respect for his courage in the mistaken belief that she knows what’s best for him at his job.
  5. She sees him refuse to take time off from work for her, and she feels taken for granted or less important than his job.
  6. He hears her whining about lack of money. He becomes de-motivated instead of energized to do better, especially when he also sees that she’s not as frugal as he and is also well-clothed and -fed.
  7. He hears her speak admirably of another man. First, he feels inadequate in whatever feature/trait she admires. Second, he gets more suspicious than if he sees her talking to some other guy.
  8. She sees him flirting, which to her is worse than hearing him admire another female. (His admiration of another does not register with her as emotional infidelity—at least not at first, that is.)
  9. She sees that he’s extra tight with money. She hears his reasoning but intends to never agree, which separates their interests about money.
  10. She sees him litter the house wherever he goes. She flares visibly and he learns quickly to disregard her.

He trusts his judgment when he can see her reactions, which enables him to more easily disregard her. He figures he sees the full picture; her messages get through loud and clear. But, precisely because of loud and clear, he can easily disregard her. He can more easily identify his interest and weigh his risk.

He’s not so confident of his judgment when he hears her displeasure. He seeks efficiency in his judgments, but he’s less sure he perceives the whole picture, or that he’s gotten the full message clearly. Doubt intrudes. Consequently, her words spoken gently, shrouded in indirectness, crowded with curiosity, and lacking in blame generate delays in his judgments and carry more weight and influence.

Her success in getting what she wants takes us back to this sentence at the top: “His maleness urges him to judge after hearing that she says something and, if relevant to his interest, listening to what she says.” She has to first learn—long courtship maybe?—how to make it habitual with him to listen immediately rather than hearing her and deciding what to do next. When she can close that gap, she emerges on top of relationship communication. Imagine it this way, he isn’t truly devoted until he habitually listens rather than just hears before making judgments. Reduced to the simplest form, true devotion depends on sincere listening at her first words.

Both change after conquest. One major change is that they switch dominant sensors from what prevails outside any subsequent relationship. Relationship management calls for utilizing those phenomena to solidify and harmonize the relationship, which requires relationship expertise that men lack.

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1938. Compatibility Axioms #241-250


241. People don’t mistreat those they respect. A long courtship enables a woman to both earn a man’s respect and qualify him as having had a good upbringing and as having developed the potential for treating his woman well. [108]
242. Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. It empowers them to become relationship experts, which enables them to successfully swap interests with a man for marriage. Men have neither such expertise nor interest. [110]
243. Men are driven to compete with Nature, against other men, and to control and shape human events. Their sex drive is but a subset because women can more easily tame it before marriage than reduce their drive to compete with him after marriage. [110]
244. Men won’t and don’t compete with their wives in the major processes of life such as key decisions. Two reasons: They abhor being told how to live and fear losing to their woman as it diminishes their sense of significance. [110]
245. A woman instinctively needs a brighter future for her and her children. She seeks security of life, dependable relationships, and family cohesiveness. She seeks family, economic, and social stability. She seeks safety of health, life, and family. To help her fulfill these needs, a man expects rewards for husbanding and fathering. As the relationship expert, she has to develop the swap to mutual satisfaction.  [110]
246. A man absolutely needs only one thing. A place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s ‘battles’. If his wife isn’t inclined to maintain at least a hut for him, someone else will. [110]
247. Women do not absolutely need a man, but they want company. A woman’s primal want is for a solid relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that impact her and her children. She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people. Two men won’t knowingly share her, so one man best fulfills her primal want. [110]
248. A man wants the freedom to do as he chooses, especially to make himself stand out as a competitor, his own man, a man of significance. He views his home—hut or palace—as a place of recovery and not a place to be called to account. [110]
249. A woman’s time-focus emerges from her primal need to brighten her future. Most of her present-day concerns were handled as part of yesterday’s future. She dreams a lot about enhancing and making her relationship more solid and it works best when she supports her man’s focus on present-day matters. [110]
250. A man’s time-focus emerges from his primal readiness to compete, which makes it imperative that he focus on today and its problems. He knows full well he can handle tomorrow’s problems when they arrive. Where women dream about the future, his primary concern for the future revolves around what he can do today to prepare for tomorrow. [110]

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1748. Sex Differences Redux — Part 02: Their Wants


Post 1747 started re-describing the foundation principles that undergird this blog. Today, we continue with results of how God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize women and men.

Her Wants:

  • A woman does not absolutely need a man, but she wants company or assistance at specific times in life.
  • Her primal want is for a solid relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that affect her and her children.
  • She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people, unexpected events, and catastrophes.
  • She wants comfort in needy times and companionship for prevention of loneliness.
  • Intuitively, she favors one man, because two will not knowingly share her except that one on the sly may cuckold another.

His Wants:

  • A man wants the freedom to do as he chooses and especially make himself stand out among others as unique, as a competitor, as a person of significance.
  • He seeks the freedom to lay with her or play with her, to hunt or punt, rest or nest, read or lead, think or drink, farm or harm, glean or lean, produce or reproduce, or just do something new or exciting—especially in the spare time he earns from working at his job.
  • His pastimes may or may not include his woman, which is a good endorsement of long courtships to form more mutual pastimes.

Their greatest fears and compatible focus on time are next with post 1749.

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1747. Sex Differences Redux — Part 01: Their Drives and Needs


This blog turns five years old today, and time has come to republish the founding principles. All that you read here is founded on the very different characteristics of women and men.

Feminists claim the only true gender differences are the reproductive systems. They claim everything else is socialized into both sexes, but I disagree. Feminists just politicize differences into obscurity. See for yourself as this series expands.

Her Need. A woman instinctively needs a brighter future for her and her children. Unless very immature, she seeks security of life, dependable relationships, and family cohesiveness. She seeks family, economic, and social stability. She seeks safety of health, life, and family. To fulfill such overlapping and intermingled needs, she has two options: give of herself to a helpmate, or do it alone, usually lonesome and perhaps desperate.

His Need. Men have one overwhelming need that makes everything else minor, regardless of how they seem to act even to the contrary. A man absolutely needs only a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for his ’battles’ tomorrow. A hut will do, but if a woman does it for him, he judges her nesting and castle building by how it supports his work and outside competitive interests.

Her Drive: Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. Their instinctive drive bonds society together into family units.

His Drive. Men are driven to compete against Nature when it obstructs their progress, compete with other men, and shape and control human events.

Her Sex Drive. Four natural energies bring sex into play in the woman’s world:

  • Her physiological urge to nurture triggers the urge to procreate.
  • Her psychological need to assuage the needs of others stimulates her to copulate.
  • Her primal need for self-importance ignites ambitions to outdo and outshine other women as a candidate for mating with men with the understanding that it might include providing sex.
  • Her nature craves intimacy, especially when her spirits are down. The promise of post-coital touching and body closeness fuels her desire for sex.

Those primal urges motivate women to recognize the male sex drive as more urgently driven and to utilize sex for bonding, generating compatibility, and competing with other women.

His Sex Drive. Three primal urges bring sex into the man’s world:

  • His drive to compete brings females onto the playing field.
  • His physiological urge to copulate.
  • His intrinsic urge to outdo and outshine other men.

Those primal urges combine to make males compete with males for females and compete with females for conquest but for little else afterward.

Next: The next few posts include their competing wants, compatible fears, and opposed interests in the present and the future.

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929. THE MALE MATRIX: alpha, beta, gamma—Part VII


 

TRAIT, HABIT, BEHAVIOR

 

ALPHA

 

BETA

 

GAMMA

Sense of independence: Strongly independent; not to get away so much as to attract, hold on, and keep at responsibilities and devotions such as business, job, family, hobby. Less independent than alpha, but he keeps reaching for more out of ego satisfaction rather than devotion to responsibilities. Highly dependent on someone else.
Sense of justice: Fairness rules from a moral base; he seeks quick justice so as to forgive & forget easily and move onward and upward. Ambivalent about moral base for justice; tends to favor fashion and popularity. Sees equality as better than fairness, because it’s the female preference.
Sense of responsibility: Strong on all matters of supreme interest to him. Careful about accepting it; weak on biggest & very important issues. Fearful; can be strong on small matters, but inclined toward CYA.
Sensitive to female needs and body language? Nope, not usually. Nope, not usually except older betas and those leaning toward gamma. Yes, he earns female respect by doing so.
Thrives on: Confusion, chaos, & conflict. Seeking agreement & cooperation. Peace, quiet, stability.
True allegiance to his role: Neither jealous nor envious; compassionate without patriarchal malice; lives by strong moral compass. Insensitive about others until taught otherwise by females and life. Overly considerate of others to the point of sycophancy.
Vulnerable to females? Yes to the very highly respected and the helpless by his measure. Highly selective; yes to beauties, no to less endowed. To a fault.

Women may be attracted to a particular male persona, but they don’t choose to marry on that basis without making a mistake. Alpha, beta, and gamma are mere labels that classify men according to strengths and weaknesses. Women know to look deeper, and this series hopefully provided info for doing it.

Tomorrow’s post #930 ends this series. The alpha, beta, gamma description of females follows as post 931; keep this in mind: Only two are suitable for marriage.

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912. Trust First and Regret May Not Come — Part I


Commenting at article 909, Her Highness Jessica inquired along this line: With so many media stories displaying the unfaithful practices of men, how can women not be suspicious and grow distrustful of their man?

Women Have Two Options

First, as her standard practice, a woman distrusts males and their gender. Therefore, each man has to earn her trust.

Second, as her standard practice, a woman admires males and their gender. Out of the faith and goodness of her heart, she assumes every man trustworthy. Until, that is, they by their actions lose or betray some or all of her trust. Then, she deals with it accordingly.

Of course, real life is a mixture of the two. I use them as opposites only to contrast benefits, flaws in thinking, and disadvantages. I hope to show that primary and heavier emphasis on the second option favors women far more than the first.

Factors to Consider

  • Being hunter-conquerors by nature, men are driven to pursue sex. ‘Unfaithful’ applies after a woman assumes or a man declares his intention to be faithful. After pledging fidelity, his trustworthiness becomes a major factor in her mind and may make the difference in his. Also, if he’s not trustworthy, high esteem and respect wither and likely die, if they ever formed.
  • The psychological phenomenon known as self-fulfilling prophecy plays a starring role in encouraging and discouraging “unfaithful practices of men.” It works two ways: (1) People tend to become what others expect of them. (2) People tend to become what they expect of themselves. (The SFP neither works perfectly, directly, nor speedily, and it operates continually in background mode. Because of the female strength of indirectness, it works very well for women.)  
  • His faithfulness depends upon trust in himself for living up to his pledges of fidelity. Admittedly, self-trust may be weaker than biological urge, but the absence of self-trust releases him to cheat. (That is, if he doesn’t think he can live up to his pledge of fidelity, he likely won’t.)
  • Consequently, women that distrust men in general tend to induce behaviors in men that prove them untrustworthy. (He becomes as she expects, and it reinforces her thinking toward more of the same.) Men that consider themselves untrustworthy have little incentive to remain faithful, when their nature urges them toward new conquests.
  • On the other hand, women that admire men and show them female goodness tend to induce masculine behaviors to keep from losing female admiration. This generates manly internal pressures that favor trustworthiness. (Never perfect but better than other options. Also note this, men don’t work to earn a woman’s trust or respect; they expect both just for being a man committed to her. Instead, men work to earn and keep her admiration.)
  • Her doubts about trusting him have two effects on him: If he is trustworthy to himself, he goes negative and holds it against her. If he’s not trustworthy to himself, he goes negative for being caught and holds it against her. Either way she loses just by letting it leak out that she thinks him less than ideally trustworthy.
  • If her man ever does cheat, it can’t be reversed, so prevention outbids worry/fear as best option for her. Trust that reflects from her high esteem and respect for him best serves each woman.

In the end, either his self-distrust or her distrust makes his infidelity easier. Her trust in him and trust in himself reinforce faithfulness.

Part II at #913 addresses media influence.

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757. Response to Viewer — Item 21a


Her Highness Abigail prompted this article, when at post #751 she wondered that “…marriage seems like a raw deal for women.”

Of course it can be, but women are the relationship experts, so some blame attaches to them. They intuitively know how to manage and maintain a successful relationship. But that doesn’t mean they rely on their nature. She often ignores her man’s faults in courtship and then blames him as husband.

Also, for example, the wife can generate her own raw deal if she:

  • Forgets that marriage predominantly serves mother and her children, but it has to be ‘bought and paid for’ by her as wife.
  • Promotes equality over fairness in the home, e.g., dividing or expecting chore workload to be equal instead of settling for fairness to generate harmony. (Her relationship expertise endows her for success in knowing and settling differences, if she but drops any semblance of equality.)
  • Determines the values to guide living in her home and negotiates requirements and expectations during courtship, e.g., church-going, raising kids, integrity, temporary separations, faithfulness, etc.
  • Expects husband to be more like her or some other guy.
  • Becomes something different than the gal the husband courted and married, or she expects him to become something different.

Raw deals are made and not born. Both he and she have coarse sandpaper to rub against sensitive emotions. But she’s better equipped than he to soothe the biggest irritations by feathering and nursing the edges into harmony.

P.S. Gold-diggers may have a better idea, as Abigail suggested, but they start with different objectives and values and end up with results different from what most women desire.

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