Tag Archives: relationship

2020. God Designs, Nature Endows, Hormones Energize


I’m taking off for 10 days or so. Today I post a quick summary of what both sexes ‘inherit’ at birth and some relationship principles and standardized practices that result from it. All else on the blog is derived from or somehow connected to this refresher. It should be worth more than a read-through.

Men are born as the dominant and women as the superior sex. The immovable object of dominance versus the irresistibly adjustable and survivable force of superiority brings a well-designed and natural balance to the world. However, the balance is inevitably disrupted by personalities and politics in the home, across the country, and around the globe.

These blessings are hardwired into the heart and mind before birth. What people learn later often interferes or overrides, but that may or may not make it better.

  1. Both sexes inherit everything they need to be compatible with a mate of the opposite sex. (In life, however, their free will enables them to think, learn, and do things that directly discourage their natural compatibility.)
  2. Women inherit everything they need to be happy, but they have to earn it. Happiness is the result of their finding and reinforcing gratefulness for themselves, other people, and things vital for compatibility and family. (However, the development of happiness is retarded to the extent they lack gratefulness about and for themselves. You can’t share what you don’t have.)
  3. It’s the counterpart to happiness for women. Men are born to be satisfied, but they routinely earn it with their multiple missions and daily accomplishments. (A man’s return home daily from the job is a sign of satisfaction and cause for celebration. You have noticed that he acts that way, right?)
  4. Ambition provides men with an endless string of missions in life; he’s never finished doing man things. Women have one mission, to live a good life for self and family; they try to make all else fit in.
  5. The prime motivational force within women is their continuous effort to prove their sense of personal importance. However, they are not self-sufficient. Instead, they form and confirm their importance through connections with other people.
  6. The prime motivational force within men is their continuous effort to earn self-admiration. Most everything they choose to do is aimed toward it. They may appreciate the admiration of others, but they don’t have to have it. They find enough within their independence. (Men are thus self-sufficient in both self-admiration and personal satisfaction. Confirmation and encouragement help but are not essential.)
  7. Women are born pretty and men are born handy. (Both, however, are particularly vulnerable to have their advantage suppressed by childhood influences that may include denial by caregivers.)
  8. Women are born modest and men immodest. (Girls, however, are particularly vulnerable to have their natural sense of modesty altered by childhood influences and even ‘stolen’ by caregivers.)
  9. Men are driven to compete with Nature, other men, and to shape human events. Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones.
  10. Men need only a place to flop, eat, throw their things, and prepare for tomorrow’s battles. Women need a brighter future.
  11. Men primarily want independence to do as they wish in adjusting to the challenges and situations of life. Women primarily want someone to be available and able to help when insurmountable personal issues and catastrophes intervene with their importance and pursuit of happiness; usually a man best fits the bill.
  12. Men fear insignificance, especially when indicated by their mate. Women fear abandonment, first by their father and then by their mate.
  13. Men focus on the present; they expect to be able to handle what arises with the future. Women focus on the future; they think it their duty to shape it today in the most female-friendly manner for them and family later. [The rest that follows below are more like 'apps' than simple inheritance.]
  14. Men are primarily producers and women are primarily processors. The producer mindset causes men to provide, protect, and problem solve within their domains of responsibility; that is, when they perceive it their duty to do so. Women as processors shape and integrate the results of producers into relationships.
  15. Men are primarily competitors and tend to cooperate only when they see the need. Women are the opposite.
  16. Hardwiring gives rise to the eternal war of the sexes. Men seek to conquer women for sex. Women seek to conquer men for permanent mating. (Marriage isn’t a natural inheritance but pleasant insurance wrought by the irresistible force of the female sex.)
  17. Men seek to mate with a respectable and virtuous woman. He respects a candidate’s natural inheritances, such as sexual uniqueness, female modesty, feminine mystique, and strong preference for monogamous marriage. Second, he admires certain of her personal qualities, which then become virtues to him.
  18. Women seek to mate with a man devoted to her, and devotion is both created by and reflected from whatever he does to please himself by catering to her interest.
  19. A man’s love is founded on respect. The more he respects women generally and one in particular, the more and deeper he’s capable of loving.
  20. A woman’s love is based on her sense of self-importance to provide a particular man with what she thinks he needs to fulfill his life.
  21. Successful mating depends upon satisfactory results within daily interactions. Specifically, why, how, and what he does to and for her. And why, how, and what she says to and about him. (Compatibility falls apart quicker and more easily from repeated doses of minor irritants—his actions, her words, or both—than their relationship is held together by the bigger influences of love, vows, and sex.)
  22. Men change after conquering a woman for their first sex together. He’s released from the hunt to set new goals. His respect slows or stops its growth. He assumes control of their sexual agenda. He decides her role in his life.
  23. Single women change after being conquered by a man. She has bonded and imagines that he has too. Guilt plagues her that she may have made a mistake. Recognizing that a relationship-shaking event has occurred, she settles into anxiety about what the future holds. To live with her anxieties, she tries to convince herself that she now has him headed to the altar. She craves any kind of feedback from him as to what happens next.
  24. Men compete with men for the best woman. They compete with women for conquest, after which they refuse or avoid competition, mainly because they fear losing to a woman they ‘own’ by virtue of conqueror’s right.
  25. In the marketplace where couples form, women compete with women by making themselves virtuous. It comes first from making themselves physically attractive and second from qualities of personality, character, and likeability that individual men find admirable. When she senses that she’s competitive with other women, she feels worthy and deserving and becomes a buyer in the relationship marketplace with each man as a potential seller; whoever he is, he has to earn her. If she feels non-competitive, unworthy, or undeserving, then she acts desperately and makes bad choices throughout the marketplace.
  26. Making herself sexually attractive in public adds two female-unfriendly biases to the male mind. 1) It diverts his attention from her as person, woman, and potential mate and polarizes his interest on conquest. 2) It reminds that women are all alike sexually after conquest. She thus kills her own uniqueness when she invites his mind to think about sex instead of her.
  27. The female sex is born with aptitude, ability, and interest to perform as relationship experts, managers, and sustainers. Males are born with a deep aversion to being changed by someone else. Consequently, they lack interest in relationship management as it implies that they should change, which is to admit they are guilty.
  28. To men, physical infidelity is both worst and intolerable. To women, emotional infidelity is worse than the physical, because it constitutes mental and probable physical abandonment.
  29. Guilt plagues women; they have the inherent ability to live constantly with loads of it. Men can’t or won’t live with guilt. They resist, rebuff, resent, and rebut when someone flings guilt in their direction. They refuse to accept burdens of guilt that don’t originate within them personally. When they do accept self-imposed guilt, they may or may not take correcting or compensating action. Whether they do or don’t, they dispose of all guilt by forgetting it sooner rather than later. They don’t carry it well or long.
  30. Men marry on the promise that their woman will support and encourage his missions in life. Women marry on the belief that their man can achieve greater things within the framework of her guidance.

As children grow they are bombarded with values, standards, and influences that alter, replace, or even contradict what they are born with. It especially makes women less aware of what came with their birth, but it doesn’t make them less needful of their internal guidance computer, which is their heart as hardwired before birth.

——

EDITORIAL COMMENT

Society is what we all do. Culture is why we all do it. Females are born this way. They can’t dominate society; men do that too extensively. But they do inherit at birth the capability to indirectly set, impose, and police the values, standards, and expectations by which men govern society. For example: Men conquered the west but women civilized it. Morality crumbles today, because women allow and even join in to make it happen.

Our foremothers mastered the art of dominating the culture in the first several American centuries. They managed the social and domestic value systems indirectly but so well that two male-dominated religions morphed into our female-dominated Judeo-Christian culture. The same value system that is now being ripped apart by making Christianity and religious belief illegal, immoral, unethical, or politically incorrect.

As women go so goes men. Within the female nature lies the capability to recover our female-friendly culture. Men can’t and won’t do it without the indirect influence of their woman—not women—their woman. It will take the breakfast-table, pillow-talk transfer of wifely expectations into society via individual men, which further implies that husbands have to recapture dominance of society from single men, which further implies that wives must restore their dominance of nest and home.

Oh, were it only that easy.

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1993. Self-gratitude — Relationship Maintenance


Both sexes are born to live compatibly as mates. To men, relationships just are; they don’t need maintenance. Recovery comes with women being born as relationship experts. They’re able to coach and coax accommodation and maintain balance between the sexes. Facing hundreds of sex differences, they do better when they start with strategic guidelines.

The following universal principles provide high level guidance. Accommodation and balance in these principles reduce the battle of the sexes to compatible peace and the potential for harmonious mating.

  1. The superior sex provides what the dominant sex needs to succeed at building economic wealth to sustain life as a family. In exchange, the dominant sex yields independence to the superior sex to succeed at building domestic peace, preferably harmony in the home.
  2. Women are born for happiness but they have to earn it with extra effort at being uniquely female, that is, feminine. Men are born into satisfaction; beginning as toddlers they stumble into it as the result of living a self-admired way of life.
  3. Men are born to compete, women to cooperate. Mating enables the dominant sex to rest peacefully after the hard labor of building and accumulating wealth. Mating enables the superior sex to strive for a brighter future through the good offices of a mate.
  4. Women are born to be good. By doing good, they become good in fact. Men are born to do good. They become good under the influence of women who energize them to do good.
  5. Morality serves women. Men don’t need it. And so women gain the moral high ground if they choose to impose morality into their lives.
  6. Men focus on the present. (They seek self-admiration through achievement.) Women focus on the future. (Today’s schedule was planned yesterday; the next vacation is in the works; the prospects of food next month is more important than what is on the table today.)
  7. Men are naturally direct and women indirect in dealing with the opposite sex. Mutual respect for each other’s preferred method breeds cooperation.
  8. Men are sufficiently independent to chase their boyhood dreams with dedication as adults. Women lead lives of quiet desperation or unquiet exhaustion as they adjust expectations to fit the discouraging realities pitted against their girlhood hopes and dreams.
  9. To men, respect must be earned. Women give respect freely until it becomes undeserved.
  10. Sex bonds women but not men.
  11. Women need to feel important. Men need to be admired.
  12. Women fear abandonment. Men fear insignificance.
  13. Women are naturally modest. Men are not.
  14. Women live eternally with infernal guilt. Men do not; they resent the imposition of guilt and reject, escape, or forget it.

Accommodation and balance in those factors sets the stage for relationship success. However, a woman’s relationship expertise is both animated and limited by self-gratitude. With it flooding her heart, she ‘inherits’ the urgency to build a healthy relationship and the energy to maintain it. Without a flood, she flops and flounders on the rocks of interpersonal pressures.

More will follow on self-gratitude.

 

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1973. Sexes Differ on Jealousy Too


Her Highness Cocoa at post 1098 asked how jealousy may be different between the sexes. So, I start with this definition. Her greatest asset is not sex itself. It is a couple’s first sex together, his conquest. Once conquered—except for minor (and temporary for her) differences in sexual performance—she is just another woman to the conqueror. He’s ready to look for the next one. The natural urge to conquer another far outweighs the natural urge to own one. She is left with the task of earning his devotion and winning his loyalty other than with sex.

Conquest confirms this to the conqueror. By yielding her greatest asset to his persuasiveness, she follows his leadership. He has done enough to thereafter dominate their relationship. Effectively he ‘owns’ her if he wants to. Her natural bonding during sex supports his conclusion. By marrying her, he doubles down on that presumption. It makes ownership permanent in his heart and obligations arise to produce, provide, protect, and problem solve on her behalf.

The lessons of life teach some men to question their nature, to doubt that their conqueror’s right guarantees her loyalty. They perceive even the smallest signs of possible disloyalty as weakening their sense of significance, and they respond easily to jealous motives. Fear motivates them.

Other men, more confident of themselves and their ability to win and hold any woman’s loyalty, do not so easily succumb. ‘Possession’ of a woman is not so large a part of their significance. They focus on earning self-admiration in ways other than owning someone. They are not immune to jealousy; it’s just much harder to trigger it.

Very different from men, women have no natural conviction that they deserve to own another. They know they must earn and keep one’s commitment through his words, devotion through his actions, and loyalty through his monogamous fidelity. The closest thing they achieve to ownership comes from conquering a man for marriage before he conquers her for sex.

Highly prone to guilt, women react differently to signs of disloyalty in their man. The lessons of life teach some women to question or abandon their instincts. To such a woman, jealousy follows her sense of impending loss of ownership in her man. She automatically blames him and just as intuitively assumes herself as the innocent victim. She reacts accordingly, and her man rejects her implications of owning him. Her obvious lack of trust wilts his respect for her and turns him off regardless of his innocence or guilt.

Other women, more confident of themselves and their ability to capture and keep a man’s loyalty, do not easily succumb to jealous thoughts. They recognize their nature and that emotional fidelity is more important than physical faithfulness. They can live with the latter but not the former. So, jealousy does not enter their thoughts until they see the red flags of impending infidelity. Mere association with another woman does not induce jealous thoughts. It just triggers suspicions intuitively held in check until evidence is more convincing. Intuition informs them that to verbalize suspicions is to destroy the trust so vital to a man’s respect of his woman. Such women are not above it but are far less prone to appear jealous.

Jealousy is not natural to either sex. It springs from lessons learned growing up and arises and intensifies according to one’s self-image of how well or poorly they relate to the opposite sex.

 

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1972. Eyes and Ears in Relationships


Background. Judging the behavior of others is a necessary function of life. We judge harshly when others’ actions or words make us feel bad about ourselves. We judge kindly when they make us feel good. It’s not so much what they do, it’s how it impacts us and how our reactions spring from our feelings at the moment. The accumulation of micro judgments compiles into our opinion of the worth to us of the one we judge. However, the process makes a huge turnaround after conquest. Men and women judge quite differently after than before conquest; they primarily use another sensor.

The Natural Way. As hunter-conqueror and sex prey before conquest, his eyes and her ears are the dominant sense organs. Within any relationship that follows conquest, they switch. Their relationship primarily depends upon what he does to and for her and what and how she says to and about him. Thus, her femaleness urges her to judge by looking at what he does. His maleness urges him to judge after hearing that she says something and, if relevant to his interest, listening to what she says.

Irony follows. His ears and her eyes play the most important roles at energizing their behavior. It explains why innocent actions often offend and reactions often seem to not be directly connected. Such as:

  1. Her nagging assaults his ears, which tends to make him want to avoid the noise by favoring his most natural sensor, his eyes. Perhaps by looking for other attractive females (which means that nagging also reduces her attractiveness).
  2. His laziness spoils her vision of their future.
  3. He hears about her gossiping about him, and he feels doubly offended by her apparent betrayal.
  4. She sees that he won’t ask for a pay raise, and she loses respect for his courage in the mistaken belief that she knows what’s best for him at his job.
  5. She sees him refuse to take time off from work for her, and she feels taken for granted or less important than his job.
  6. He hears her whining about lack of money. He becomes de-motivated instead of energized to do better, especially when he also sees that she’s not as frugal as he and is also well-clothed and -fed.
  7. He hears her speak admirably of another man. First, he feels inadequate in whatever feature/trait she admires. Second, he gets more suspicious than if he sees her talking to some other guy.
  8. She sees him flirting, which to her is worse than hearing him admire another female. (His admiration of another does not register with her as emotional infidelity—at least not at first, that is.)
  9. She sees that he’s extra tight with money. She hears his reasoning but intends to never agree, which separates their interests about money.
  10. She sees him litter the house wherever he goes. She flares visibly and he learns quickly to disregard her.

He trusts his judgment when he can see her reactions, which enables him to more easily disregard her. He figures he sees the full picture; her messages get through loud and clear. But, precisely because of loud and clear, he can easily disregard her. He can more easily identify his interest and weigh his risk.

He’s not so confident of his judgment when he hears her displeasure. He seeks efficiency in his judgments, but he’s less sure he perceives the whole picture, or that he’s gotten the full message clearly. Doubt intrudes. Consequently, her words spoken gently, shrouded in indirectness, crowded with curiosity, and lacking in blame generate delays in his judgments and carry more weight and influence.

Her success in getting what she wants takes us back to this sentence at the top: “His maleness urges him to judge after hearing that she says something and, if relevant to his interest, listening to what she says.” She has to first learn—long courtship maybe?—how to make it habitual with him to listen immediately rather than hearing her and deciding what to do next. When she can close that gap, she emerges on top of relationship communication. Imagine it this way, he isn’t truly devoted until he habitually listens rather than just hears before making judgments. Reduced to the simplest form, true devotion depends on sincere listening at her first words.

Both change after conquest. One major change is that they switch dominant sensors from what prevails outside any subsequent relationship. Relationship management calls for utilizing those phenomena to solidify and harmonize the relationship, which requires relationship expertise that men lack.

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1938. Compatibility Axioms #241-250


241. People don’t mistreat those they respect. A long courtship enables a woman to both earn a man’s respect and qualify him as having had a good upbringing and as having developed the potential for treating his woman well. [108]
242. Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. It empowers them to become relationship experts, which enables them to successfully swap interests with a man for marriage. Men have neither such expertise nor interest. [110]
243. Men are driven to compete with Nature, against other men, and to control and shape human events. Their sex drive is but a subset because women can more easily tame it before marriage than reduce their drive to compete with him after marriage. [110]
244. Men won’t and don’t compete with their wives in the major processes of life such as key decisions. Two reasons: They abhor being told how to live and fear losing to their woman as it diminishes their sense of significance. [110]
245. A woman instinctively needs a brighter future for her and her children. She seeks security of life, dependable relationships, and family cohesiveness. She seeks family, economic, and social stability. She seeks safety of health, life, and family. To help her fulfill these needs, a man expects rewards for husbanding and fathering. As the relationship expert, she has to develop the swap to mutual satisfaction.  [110]
246. A man absolutely needs only one thing. A place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s ‘battles’. If his wife isn’t inclined to maintain at least a hut for him, someone else will. [110]
247. Women do not absolutely need a man, but they want company. A woman’s primal want is for a solid relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that impact her and her children. She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people. Two men won’t knowingly share her, so one man best fulfills her primal want. [110]
248. A man wants the freedom to do as he chooses, especially to make himself stand out as a competitor, his own man, a man of significance. He views his home—hut or palace—as a place of recovery and not a place to be called to account. [110]
249. A woman’s time-focus emerges from her primal need to brighten her future. Most of her present-day concerns were handled as part of yesterday’s future. She dreams a lot about enhancing and making her relationship more solid and it works best when she supports her man’s focus on present-day matters. [110]
250. A man’s time-focus emerges from his primal readiness to compete, which makes it imperative that he focus on today and its problems. He knows full well he can handle tomorrow’s problems when they arrive. Where women dream about the future, his primary concern for the future revolves around what he can do today to prepare for tomorrow. [110]

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1748. Sex Differences Redux — Part 02: Their Wants


Post 1747 started re-describing the foundation principles that undergird this blog. Today, we continue with results of how God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize women and men.

Her Wants:

  • A woman does not absolutely need a man, but she wants company or assistance at specific times in life.
  • Her primal want is for a solid relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that affect her and her children.
  • She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people, unexpected events, and catastrophes.
  • She wants comfort in needy times and companionship for prevention of loneliness.
  • Intuitively, she favors one man, because two will not knowingly share her except that one on the sly may cuckold another.

His Wants:

  • A man wants the freedom to do as he chooses and especially make himself stand out among others as unique, as a competitor, as a person of significance.
  • He seeks the freedom to lay with her or play with her, to hunt or punt, rest or nest, read or lead, think or drink, farm or harm, glean or lean, produce or reproduce, or just do something new or exciting—especially in the spare time he earns from working at his job.
  • His pastimes may or may not include his woman, which is a good endorsement of long courtships to form more mutual pastimes.

Their greatest fears and compatible focus on time are next with post 1749.

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1747. Sex Differences Redux — Part 01: Their Drives and Needs


This blog turns five years old today, and time has come to republish the founding principles. All that you read here is founded on the very different characteristics of women and men.

Feminists claim the only true gender differences are the reproductive systems. They claim everything else is socialized into both sexes, but I disagree. Feminists just politicize differences into obscurity. See for yourself as this series expands.

Her Need. A woman instinctively needs a brighter future for her and her children. Unless very immature, she seeks security of life, dependable relationships, and family cohesiveness. She seeks family, economic, and social stability. She seeks safety of health, life, and family. To fulfill such overlapping and intermingled needs, she has two options: give of herself to a helpmate, or do it alone, usually lonesome and perhaps desperate.

His Need. Men have one overwhelming need that makes everything else minor, regardless of how they seem to act even to the contrary. A man absolutely needs only a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for his ’battles’ tomorrow. A hut will do, but if a woman does it for him, he judges her nesting and castle building by how it supports his work and outside competitive interests.

Her Drive: Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. Their instinctive drive bonds society together into family units.

His Drive. Men are driven to compete against Nature when it obstructs their progress, compete with other men, and shape and control human events.

Her Sex Drive. Four natural energies bring sex into play in the woman’s world:

  • Her physiological urge to nurture triggers the urge to procreate.
  • Her psychological need to assuage the needs of others stimulates her to copulate.
  • Her primal need for self-importance ignites ambitions to outdo and outshine other women as a candidate for mating with men with the understanding that it might include providing sex.
  • Her nature craves intimacy, especially when her spirits are down. The promise of post-coital touching and body closeness fuels her desire for sex.

Those primal urges motivate women to recognize the male sex drive as more urgently driven and to utilize sex for bonding, generating compatibility, and competing with other women.

His Sex Drive. Three primal urges bring sex into the man’s world:

  • His drive to compete brings females onto the playing field.
  • His physiological urge to copulate.
  • His intrinsic urge to outdo and outshine other men.

Those primal urges combine to make males compete with males for females and compete with females for conquest but for little else afterward.

Next: The next few posts include their competing wants, compatible fears, and opposed interests in the present and the future.

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929. THE MALE MATRIX: alpha, beta, gamma—Part VII


 

TRAIT, HABIT, BEHAVIOR

 

ALPHA

 

BETA

 

GAMMA

Sense of independence: Strongly independent; not to get away so much as to attract, hold on, and keep at responsibilities and devotions such as business, job, family, hobby. Less independent than alpha, but he keeps reaching for more out of ego satisfaction rather than devotion to responsibilities. Highly dependent on someone else.
Sense of justice: Fairness rules from a moral base; he seeks quick justice so as to forgive & forget easily and move onward and upward. Ambivalent about moral base for justice; tends to favor fashion and popularity. Sees equality as better than fairness, because it’s the female preference.
Sense of responsibility: Strong on all matters of supreme interest to him. Careful about accepting it; weak on biggest & very important issues. Fearful; can be strong on small matters, but inclined toward CYA.
Sensitive to female needs and body language? Nope, not usually. Nope, not usually except older betas and those leaning toward gamma. Yes, he earns female respect by doing so.
Thrives on: Confusion, chaos, & conflict. Seeking agreement & cooperation. Peace, quiet, stability.
True allegiance to his role: Neither jealous nor envious; compassionate without patriarchal malice; lives by strong moral compass. Insensitive about others until taught otherwise by females and life. Overly considerate of others to the point of sycophancy.
Vulnerable to females? Yes to the very highly respected and the helpless by his measure. Highly selective; yes to beauties, no to less endowed. To a fault.

Women may be attracted to a particular male persona, but they don’t choose to marry on that basis without making a mistake. Alpha, beta, and gamma are mere labels that classify men according to strengths and weaknesses. Women know to look deeper, and this series hopefully provided info for doing it.

Tomorrow’s post #930 ends this series. The alpha, beta, gamma description of females follows as post 931; keep this in mind: Only two are suitable for marriage.

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