Tag Archives: respect

1973. Sexes Differ on Jealousy Too


Her Highness Cocoa at post 1098 asked how jealousy may be different between the sexes. So, I start with this definition. Her greatest asset is not sex itself. It is a couple’s first sex together, his conquest. Once conquered—except for minor (and temporary for her) differences in sexual performance—she is just another woman to the conqueror. She is left with the task of earning his devotion and winning his loyalty other than with sex. He’s ready to look for the next one. The natural urge to conquer another far outweighs the natural urge to own one.

Conquest confirms this to the conqueror. By yielding her greatest asset to his persuasiveness, she follows his leadership. He has done enough to thereafter dominate their relationship. Effectively he ‘owns’ her if he wants to. Her natural bonding during sex supports his conclusion. By marrying her, he doubles down on that presumption. It makes ownership permanent in his heart and obligations arise to produce, provide, protect, and problem solve on her behalf.

The lessons of life teach some men to question their nature, to doubt that their conqueror’s right guarantees her loyalty. They perceive even the smallest signs of possible disloyalty as weakening their sense of significance, and they respond easily to jealous motives. Fear motivates them.

Other men, more confident of themselves and their ability to win and hold any woman’s loyalty, do not so easily succumb. ‘Possession’ of a woman is not so large a part of their significance. They focus on earning self-admiration in ways other than owning someone. They are not immune to jealousy; it’s just much harder to trigger it.

Very different from men, women have no natural conviction that they deserve to own another. They know they must earn and keep one’s commitment through his words, devotion through his actions, and loyalty through his monogamous fidelity. The closest thing they achieve to ownership comes from conquering a man for marriage before he conquers her for sex.

Highly prone to guilt, women react differently to signs of disloyalty in their man. The lessons of life teach some women to question or abandon their instincts. To such a woman, jealousy follows her sense of impending loss of ownership in her man. She automatically blames him and just as intuitively assumes herself as the innocent victim. She reacts accordingly, and her man rejects her implications of owning him. Her obvious lack of trust wilts his respect for her and turns him off regardless of his innocence or guilt.

Other women, more confident of themselves and their ability to capture and keep a man’s loyalty, do not easily succumb to jealous thoughts. They recognize their nature and that emotional fidelity is more important than physical faithfulness. They can live with the latter but not the former. So, jealousy does not enter their thoughts until they see the red flags of impending infidelity. Mere association with another woman does not induce jealous thoughts. It just triggers suspicions intuitively held in check until evidence is more convincing. Intuition informs them that to verbalize suspicions is to destroy the trust so vital to a man’s respect of his woman. Such women are not above it but are far less prone to appear jealous.

Jealousy is not natural to either sex. It springs from lessons learned growing up and arises and intensifies according to one’s self-image of how well or poorly they relate to the opposite sex.

 

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1970. Compatibility Axioms #371-380


NOTE: I can’t say it often enough. I have no objections to the legal, political, and economic progress made by women. Advancements were deserved long before they were won. I address Feminism only as the public fallout impacts social and domestic life among men and women.

371. The feminist challenge to millennia-old patriarchy is the fundamental cause of incompatibility. It separates the sexes, because it uses outside help in the form of public pressure to help prove women right and men wrong. Thus, Feminism leads women away from their natural strengths and relationship expertise. Misdirected, women give up their instinctive art of screening men until they become worthy of capture. Instead of dreaming of upgrading their Mr. Good Enough into Mr. Right during decades of living together, they try to ‘convert’ him immediately before or after marriage. [134]
372. Feminist-think calls for human nature to work backwards. Nowadays, women cooperate with each other for advice about men and unify support against them. They compete with their man for dominance. The first tends to prevent and the latter tends to melt compatibility. [134]
373. When women think and act like men, it transmutes into loss of the female genius that every couple needs to build longevity together. Romantic love fades faster. Sexual love becomes her manipulative tool. Enduring love doesn’t become mutual. Marital vows shrink in importance. One or both spouses become itchy to make a better go of it with someone else. [134]
374. The human competitive spirit and modern social pressures push women to act more like men—♫ I can do anything he can do better. ♫ Women imagine success and frustration arises at the lack of it. Frustration pushes them to escalate until they become the irresistible force trying to move the immovable object. Thus, womanly frustration generates greater manly stubbornness. [134]
375. A man’s love is founded on respect. And men respect women that persistently uphold values and standards that uplift women relative to men but not at the expense of men. It includes values and standards that men don’t initiate but value people who do. Femininity builds such respect, and Feminism discourages it. [135]
376. One woman says this. “Men need femininity. They call it ‘color in a black and white world.’ It heals their wounds, soothes their spirits and recharges their batteries. It is one of the things men look for in their wives; someone who makes them more powerful by feeding them with their femininity.” [‘Claudia’ as quoted in Keys to the Kingdom by Alison A. Armstrong, PAX Programs, Inc., p. 151] [135]
377. Femininity reflects intense femaleness with politics removed. It includes female traits that women rely on naturally to fulfill their hopes and dreams. Qualities such as feminine mystique, female modesty, religious morality, faithful monogamy, female-defined manners, female-friendly social standards, compassionate values, holy matrimony, and an eager-to-reveal emphasis against offense to a woman’s sensibilities. Femininity generates personal power dealing with men, because it enables women to reduce the hormone storms of male dominance—sometimes into submission or at least toleration. [135]
378. When the female gender institutionalizes the feminine qualities just cited, men learn to respect females more than males. Their unconditional respect for women provides the foundation for the conditional respect for one woman who eventually transmutes into the enduring love that sustains compatibility for life. A man’s enduring love of one woman isn’t all that strong, if he lacks respect for her gender. Old-school mothers made it work. Our forefathers built American greatness out of wifely inspirations, expectations, encouragements, and gratefulness shrouded in femininity. [135]
379. Our foremothers knew male dominance has to be outsmarted and outmaneuvered and not squelched obviously. They generated and sustained compatibility very differently than modern women. First, they competed with other women for a man with sex out of the picture. Sex was the bonus after he qualified as worthy to be her husband and father of her children. Second, they cooperated with their husband and revealed their respect and gratefulness by pleasing him. [135]
380.Further, our foremothers exploited their femaleness to clarify two very different and cooperative roles as a couple—separate responsibilities for each. His domain was outside the home, hers inside. He was chairman, she was CEO. With clearly separated roles, they balanced relationship power without outside influence. [135]

 

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1960. Compatibility Axioms #322-330


A quick recap: God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize us to be compatible with a mate. We match up easily in many ways.  
322. Men are driven to overcome Nature and other barriers, compete with men, and shape human events. Women need a brighter future for them and theirs. Compatible matchup? [126]
323. Men just need a place to flop, eat, and throw their things. Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. Compatible matchup? [126]
324. Men want the freedom to pursue their nature as hunter-conquerors and target high value prey. For example, men don’t mount rabbit heads in their den or pursue women they find unappealing. Women want help when they need it in a world they cannot dominate. Compatible potential?
325. Women are born pretty. Men are born handy. Compatible matchup?
326. Women fear abandonment. Men fear insignificance. By promoting their man’s significance, women demote their fear. Compatible potential?
327. Men have a natural inclination for directness and impatience. Women are endowed with the talent for indirectness strengthened by patience. Their willingness to be flexible and negotiate enables them to gain ultimate influence in relationships to the advantage of them and children. Compatible potential?
328. Man-think primarily focuses men on the present. Woman-think primarily focuses women on the future. Compatible potential?
329. Women are motivated to enhance their sense of importance through relationships. Men are motivated to earn self-admiration through accomplishments. Compatible potential?
330. Women are naturally modest. Men are not but respect women for insistence on it. Compatible potential?

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1948. Compatibility Axioms #301-310


301. Virtual virginity means keeping her legs crossed before marriage. It puts her in the buyer’s seat and forces a man to be the seller, to make himself worthy of her instead of the other way around. (Men don’t truly appreciate what they don’t earn.) [125]
302. Her attractiveness spikes his interest for sex. It’s up to her to convert that interest over to her. Heeding granny’s advice to keep a dime between her knees works best. [125]
303. Her first refusal for sex spreads a man’s interest to try harder, to know her better. Subsequent refusals push him to look ever deeper for weaknesses he can exploit to convince her to yield. (Presuming he accepts her refusals as other than rejections of him.) [125]
304. As her refusals continue in courtship, he serendipitously discovers her admirable strengths and non-sexual qualities. These earn more respect both for her potential as a keeper and promise for mating. (Provided, of course, he’s more interested in her than just conqueror’s sex.) [125]
305. By yielding sex before marriage, she reverses their natural roles. She becomes seller to his buyer, and he’s paid her price when she yields. It’s too late for her to raise the ante; the door closes partly or fully on his investing more in her even though the potential for it resides in the male nature. [125]
306. As the seller, she settles for less than she deserves because she has only one conquest event with each man. (Women may not see it that way, but men do. Men change after conquest, and it forces women to change to stay abreast of the conqueror.) [125]
307. Conquest is a relationship-changing event for a man. He quits looking so interestedly at a conquered woman. Nature releases his heart to pursue something or somebody else. [125]
308. By yielding unmarried sex, she lets a man know what price she charges for submission. This naturally, automatically, and subconsciously programs his mind on how their relationship will work in the future. It enlarges his expectations for getting his way with her—we’re talking greater male dominance here, aren’t we? [125]
309. The longer and more intensely without sex that he stays focused on her, the greater their bonding and the more promising their future together. [125]
310. Just a friendly touch in passing or a pat on the back sends a message of trust that earns a man’s regard if not respect. If he mistakes her friendliness for something else, she has uniquely subtle ways to turn him off without offense and immense power to discourage with offense. Friendly touching in passing is a small price women pay. It helps hold onto the respect of men other than their own, which magnifies their gratefulness for both men and themselves. [123]

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1937. Delay the First Kiss


Peach Blossoms posed these questions at article 1228: “How does a woman strike a balance between keeping him interested and not letting him become discouraged if he can’t get to the first kiss? How to defer it without making him feel like she might be leading him on?” My response grew.

Your Highness Peach Blossoms,

You focus on the negatives so drop that mindset. You worry that you’ll do something wrong. We all make mistakes and that’s why recovery is everything. Also, don’t look for balance, let it arrive naturally.

Try a different slant on life. Your attitude will be weighed by a man because it reflects what’s in your heart. The more nonsexual attention, admiration, respect, and gratitude you express to and about a man, the more your heart becomes programmed to sincerely reflect your feelings about him. He wants to see your love, not hear about it.

  • Primarily it works like this. Your words about him program your heart. Your actions influence his heart and convince his mind. His actions that please you program his heart toward devotion. Unfortunately, loving and loveable words about your love merely increase your self-centeredness. A man doesn’t need to hear about your love for him; he becomes convinced as he hears your appreciation of who he is and what he does.
  • A man easily respects an unconquered woman who has the self-respect to resist his appeals for sex. She earns respect by apparently living up to something more important. Her resistance helps promote his determination to mate with her because resistance and sincerity promote the promise of her faithfulness. It also makes first kiss much less important. If he sees promise that she can enhance his life, he can wait longer without it weakening his interest.
  • You have standards. So, make them plain, don’t complain, and don’t explain. When you complain, you blame and no guy wants to hear it; he instinctively rejects guilt. When you explain, you weaken your own standards, show lack of self-respect, display lack of self-confidence, and otherwise make yourself appear less respectable. It’s not good because a man’s love is founded on respect for women generally and one in particular.
  • Avoid deep personal matters but show friendly attention, wonder, respect, and gratitude for who he is as a unique person, handy man, and powerful achiever in both job and leisure pursuits. However, praise only what you want to see more of. Don’t verbalize about the undesirable but use it to determine if he’s really the one for you.
  • Find laughter to defer seriousness, pay attention to him as a friend rather than potential lover, and make yourself so appealing in his company that he wants to be with you instead of somewhere else. His devotion grows from his actions to please you. (Complaints about his absences work directly against you. You’re saying he’s inadequate and he rejects the guilt by turning his eyes elsewhere.)
  • But don’t try too hard and overdo it. Be yourself and act feminine. Indirectness sells you better. Respond to his nonsexual initiatives affirmatively. Respond to his sex-slanted initiatives with Whoa and No in the air but not verbalized until essential to get him to stop or change. Forget your soft-hearted nature and put your hard-headed nature to work indirectly and as subtle as practicable. Hard-to-get is greatly undersold. Resistance to yielding is the primary method for a female to earn male respect, because a man infers so readily that she is and would continue to be faithful to him.
  • Make it your standard to provide as little feedback as possible when your expectations are not respected. The more feedback you provide, the more judgmental he becomes with the new info. The less feedback you provide on negative issues, the more mysterious you become.
  • First kiss leads to a faster conquest. So, all delays help you control the premarital agenda. While trying to find what makes you tick and what rounds your heels for conquest, a guy learns about your character, the potential you possibly hold for his future, and the promise he sees in you as his mate. The longer and deeper he has to dig to find what will finally roll you into his bed, the more his appreciation morphs into promise of you as his mate.

Finally, be aware that men don’t act like women act.

  1. When a man conquers a woman, he doesn’t bond. He already knows enough about her and so he changes. He stops trying to find out who she is and what promise she might hold for him. He has less interest, and so he quits delving deeper into her heart and mind. He quits ferreting out what dwells within her and his respect for her peaks. If not devoted to her by that time, he’s less likely to spend his life with her.
  2. Men don’t need and often don’t want the love and loving that women crave. While they are emotional creatures, they think and act more on facts than feelings. They keep their feelings to themselves. It’s not your love and loving that captures or holds a man; it’s the promise he visualizes as the result of your actions much more than your words.

Guy

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1927. Happy Thanksgiving


I like to make the holiday season personal in this way. Today we Americans give thanks for what we have and who we love and like. At Christmas we Christians give thanks for who we are in the eyes of God and family and friends. Recognizing and displaying our gratitude is the common theme. The holidays are thus made happy because happiness flows from gratefulness.

Gratefulness civilizes us and the more the better. The process of finding ways to express gratitude for others displays a unique respectfulness that makes women smile more and men work more responsibly on behalf of family. Their natures cause this; women are happier during the holidays because they more easily find and spread gratitude than do men.

I wish a Happy Thanksgiving Day to Americans everywhere. To others, I hope they can find ways to find and spotlight gratefulness for who they are and whom they love and like. We only uncover and release the good life together when we unconditionally respect and find gratitude for each other. Turkey comes second.

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1805. Sex Difference Redux— Part 55: Mutual Respect I


Theory. The traffic signal just turned green. With a phone at her ear, a woman’s car starts to roll several seconds after the guy in the next lane also with a phone at his ear.

Women are generally better multi-taskers, but the stop-light intersection brings on this exception. Faced with multiple sensory inputs, men react faster to the visual and women to the audible. Simultaneously hearing a voice or involved in talking, women delay in responding to visual stimulation. Men are opposite; being hunter-conquerors they respond first to visual stimulants and then to hearing. So, when both parties are on the phone at the light, men handle the multi-tasking more easily and are quicker clearing the intersection.

Reality. I post that stop-light trivia as a reminder that women can anticipate, figure out, and resolve relationship problems before they happen. Day after tomorrow at #1806, I will restate the ten prime motivators that inspire this blog. They also trigger hundreds of minor sex differences that work to the advantage of both sexes when one relationship characteristic is present—mutual respect.

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1742. Hope, Respect, and Trust — Part I


Emerson said “The world turns on hope.” Without it, a person’s energy is stifled and they sit down to do nothing or worse, perhaps with drugs. Hope motivates individuals and each has his own version. However, personal ability to influence others is required to mutualize hope between individuals, such as in a couple or family.

The world of influencing others turns on respect, which generates trust in return, which reinforces the initial respect, which reinforces the initial trust, and which continues to compound until their respective hopes find mutuality and compatibility. Respect sends the message, “I hold you in high regard.” Trust sends the message, “I’m grateful for associating with you.” Mutual interests are thus enabled to join as the person influenced shapes his self-interest to match more closely that of the influencer.

If the respect of the influencer is missing or lost, it takes some inducement, threat, or force to complete the process of influencing others.

Most people know how to show respect for and to others. But I’ve uncovered a way by which moms, dads, and other leaders screw up their good intentions. It follows tomorrow.

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