1729. Age Gracefully, Not Youthfully

Her Highness Sarah at post 1332 described an acquaintance. “I know an empty-nester who is so frustrated with her weight, hair, and wardrobe that she lacks energy and motivation to get up and get dressed. It’s sad, and I do think she’s grieving the fact that she has aged. She doesn’t want to stop wearing young women’s clothes and haircuts, but she knows they aren’t working for her.”

The art of aging gracefully is the art of living a life of womanly importance. Re the unmotivated lady described above, her marital status is unknown but:

• To appeal to men, attempts to restore long gone youthfulness signify phoniness or desperation or both. Except for short-fling sex, both discourage the masculine nature. (Men don’t know how to rescue her, so her value is diminished.)
• To be more attractive as a single woman, she must fulfill her need for self-importance. She must first prove herself important to herself by making herself important to others. It appears the lady in the spotlight has abdicated her throne of marital attractiveness.
• To be more important as a wife, she needs to take action soon, or unintended consequences will sweep through her life. Not important to herself means she is probably reducing her worth to her husband. When that happens, his respect shrinks, belief in her promise for him weakens, and his love for her slides toward indifference. It all follows as her sense of self-importance deteriorates further.
• To escape her depression, she needs to turn this statement into reality: Action cures fear, regret, guilt, and depression, so just get started. (And what action, you ask? Anything that gets her up, prettified, and energized to go somewhere or do something. Anything that makes her mingle with others and minimize her self-centeredness overly enlarged by craving to restore her youth. If she’s already doing all those things, then do more. Women can live with guilt, but they must control things in their lives to avoid or escape depression.)
• To seem younger, she should restore youthfulness to her heart and let her appearance please the sense of her own prettiness. When she learns to make herself pretty to satisfy no one but herself, she will find it’s a suitable substitute for the youthfulness she craves. (A good way to start is ‘pretty time’ performed each day according to article 1440 and the other posts mentioned there.)
• To find a husband, she should provide what men her age seek in a wife. That is, attractive, pleasant, modest, likeable, uniquely feminine, more willing to listen than chatter, independent but looking to serve, and above all, enable him to see promise in her for brightening his life.
• To avoid Mr. Wrong let her consider this. When a man looks only for a woman much younger than he is, he also plans to make her into his idea of the perfect wife (and vice versa). She can expect little freedom for her own interests, because he’s looking for her to do nothing but satisfy him his way (and vice versa). It’s aka adolescent-mindedness.
• To show herself how gracefulness can beat youthfulness, let her adopt virtual virginity as the strategy for capturing a man and modesty, patience, likeability, and promise for holding him.
• To be attractive to man or husband, she should emphasize the promise that her prettiness will last a long time. Preserve what she has more than fruitlessly trying to restore what’s past. (Much of what women know about men is wrong. For example, women make too much of sex and youth as important to men. To men, conquering younger women hails their sexual prowess among fellow competitors, but the women don’t benefit much. Once a woman is conquered, however, the importance of sex and her youth fade along with romantic love that fades in a year or two. However, adolescent-minded husbands value a much younger wife primarily to continually show her off.)
• To appear youthful, she need only match her grooming and styling with her age, until she marries and her husband expects something different to crown his wise decision of choosing her from all the rest.

Aging gracefully comes easily to those that live and give, those that continually pump up their sense of self-importance, those that allow their feminine nature to guide them later in life.

1475. Sex as Bait (reposted)

Women are in charge as long as they take it. I published the following over three years ago as #338. With text unchanged, I repost it for newbies.

Fishing with sex as bait produces adverse effects and unintended consequences.

1. It makes her a sex object, and she blames the man when not treated as she expects.
2. It kills her dominant strength: female modesty.
3. It reduces her credibility for discouraging, refusing, or rejecting a man—less pressure on him to do the right thing.
4. It shows she’s interested in accommodating men and sex as an important part of her lifestyle and self-interest.
5. It drives his curiosity away from her person and toward her body.
6. It satisfies more of his curiosity about her with each step taken toward nakedness and copulation.
7. It makes his conquest easier and the result of less time spent with her.
8. It satisfies his imagination about her body and weakens a female strength, feminine mystique.
9. It weakens her potential as keeper, but increases her value as booty.
10. It makes her ‘personal ad campaign’ lose effectiveness after his conquest.
11. It convinces her wrongly or makes her hope that sex will hold him.
12. It reveals her deference to his judgment about how they should proceed toward conquest.
13. It discloses her willingness for conquest by someone, anyone, or everyone.
14. It shows she’s neither skilled nor experienced enough to keep sex in the background and slow or stop his conquest.
15. It intensifies his immediate yearnings for sex—more pressure on her.
16. It misuses time spent together that could enable their courtship to mature.
17. It fails to fascinate him about her as she would like.
18. It generates too little of his curiosity about and imagination for fulfilling her hopes and dreams.
19. It fails to convert his non-sex oriented efforts into relationship habits that please her.
20. It makes courtship so uninvolved and immature that nothing survives when romantic love fades in a year or two.

Fishing for instant gratification works against the female.

1463. Marry Without Romantic Appeal? To Focus Better

The subject has broadened into romance itself and caused a stir, now at 20 comments on two articles. We’re dealing with different perceptions, and none is wrong. But, several of us have been taken in ways not intended. So, let me be more explicit about male and female natures and connect some thoughts.

First, let’s get away from romantic love that fades after a year or two of marriage. The ‘holding power’ of mutually inspired lust, super-affection, and constant desire to be close fades on average after a year and a half (from a study in Britain). If enduring love has not been generated, separation is not far away.

Now, about romance and romancing:

• When a couple is romancing, she primarily receives and he delivers. She needs it and he doesn’t. Little in it for him. That’s why men are so poor at it, and why women initiate romance much more than men.
• A woman seeking to be romanced expects the man to display super-special attention, describe his appreciation, and express endearing words of affection. All done with the attitude and hopefully the promise of it never ending. She never feels more important than when being superbly romanced by her standards and up to her expectations.
• However, romance is almost foreign to the male nature except in pursuit of sex. Even then it’s learned behavior taught by girls and women and modified by each woman being pursued for sex.
• A woman sees romance as a man’s special deeds, manners, and words mutually exchanged such that she totally occupies his mind and hopefully wins his heart. That is, she expects to win his heart by letting him do most of the ‘work’. Surprisingly, that’s how it works best; she capitalizes on their respective natures. His actions on her behalf warm his heart for her much more than what she says and does. So, her primary purpose of romance should not be to please herself as much as enable the man to do things that pleases either him or her. If he pleases himself, he’s being manly. If he pleases her, then her respect and admiration for him soars and he’s encouraged to continue.  
• A woman expects romance because more than anything else it makes her important in her eyes. She learned that through girlhood dreaming. She needs those signs of her importance to herself more than to the man. Adult romance is a less imaginative and more practical expression of teenage dreams of knights and white chargers.
• Romancing her, she knows what he’s after, but she seeks to prolong the multiple joys of being so important to someone. So, she responds by delivering to him what pleases women, and she finds that he doesn’t take to it. What pleases her doesn’t work with a man, especially affection. He’s focused on something else until he can convince her to prove her worth to him by providing sex. Unless she conditioned his thinking differently in courtship, romancing her even after they marry puts that one objective in his mind. Not to say a man won’t romance his wife just to please her, but romantic passion stirs him primarily toward one objective. (Having written that, I wonder why I state something so obvious.)
• It begs the question, why don’t men want to please their woman by romancing her? He’s not energized sufficiently to please her with what means the most to her. He has easier, more masculine ways of pleasing her. How does she get him to engage more romantically? She admires his likeability as romancer, as candle-lit dinner partner, as bed partner (but not by relying on hugs and affectionate embraces). Admires his enchanting charm as he whispers sweet nothings in her ear or brings gifts or flowers. Admires his special consideration of her modest, sexual, and other sensibilities. Admires his every thoughtful act that even hints at romancing her. Admires his ability to find ways to please her by combining several things together, such as washing the car for their date night, such as gifting her kids that aren’t his.

Finally, I close with this: One lady laments, “all women need and hope for a romance that lasts” and she’s right. But, others may see romance later in married life as a subset of ‘enduring love’, a product that some choose to call ‘romance’ and others forego in exchange for marital bliss. Whatever called, it flows at irregular intervals out of the reliable affection, persistent likeability, mutual predictability, trusted dependability, and emotional closeness that weld rather than just bond a couple.

1461. Marry Without Romantic Appeal?

At #1101 Her Highness Denise inquired. Can a woman marry a bona fide Mr. GoodEnough who “she doesn’t have particularly strong romantic feelings for without her or his disappointment down the line?” Yes, in theory she can but is she capable of paying the price and adjusting to the consequences? Remember, this is just theory to explain how the male and female natures can be blended into compatibility. Different personalities might produce various outcomes.

Behind Denise’s question is this: Can love and romance be separated? Think of this: Romance starts in and stirs a woman’s imagination, but love abounds in her heart. Further, love and romance separate in every marriage when romantic love fades after about two years. The romance side fades in response to marital energies, pressures, and relationship maturation. Either enduring love replaces it or the unforgiveable irritants and unforgettable negatives in a relationship compound and lead to marital separation.

It turns her question into HOW can she make it work if her romantic feelings aren’t all that strong? She pays a bigger price, that’s all. Can she? Is she willing? Can she analyze herself honestly? If she thinks yes, let her consider the devil in the details of what it takes to succeed.

First Expectation. Is Mr. GoodEnough devoted to her? Not just committed to her or marriage, but devoted to her as person, woman, and potential mate? If not, she should delay or do without marriage until he does fit that mold.

Second Expectation. She needs a makeover so that she believes this: I am more interested in him than in myself and more interested in us than in me.* How does she get that way? Her many micro and macro actions imprint and confirm his importance in her life and tend to suppress her self-centeredness and selfishness to favor him.

First Principle. His actions program his heart. Her actions program her heart. Presume the principle works at 100% although reality makes it work at a slightly lower level, perhaps in the neighborhood of 80-20 in favor of the actions of the heart-owner.

Second Principle. Women quite naturally come to love whomever they take close care of. The same applies with romance. Act more romantic with and about him and she will feel more romantic. Eagerly initiate romance activities (with him of course). Smother love will help her but it may turn him off. If needed, do the best she can to fake romantic notions without going too far. In other words, fake it ‘til you make it. Will it generate greater romantic love? Sure, if her intentions are sincere, if her heart is dedicated to generating a great marriage. Moreover, it will help generate the enduring love that will be needed in a year or two after the altar.  

Extra Precautions.

• Developing new habits—not inspired by romantic passion—to show more attention and affection for Mr. GoodEnough may take many months, so a long courtship should be anticipated and utilized.  
• Converting and confirming his interest in her as reliable and detectable devotion may also take many months.
• Analyze herself, just how important is romance to her? How important versus all her other priorities? Does she need her own version to show romance to him or will his displays of affection satisfy her? If he’s devoted to her, he probably shows attention and affection willingly and often. If she’s been captured by romance novels and magazines, however, he probably will never provide enough to satisfy her imagined need for romance.
• She makes her marriage work this way. Ignoring or suppressing all negative feelings about him and what she does, she acts totally and completely devoted to him, his efforts, his interest, and especially his job. Not to put him first in all things but to put her actively demonstrating without negative thoughts that she loves him. It’s her actions that program her heart with love. Negative feelings curtail the growth of her love and alert her man to prepare for changes that are a’comin’.

This is a theoretical model that takes advantage of natural sex differences. I suggest at least a two-year courtship to see if romance can be stimulated and enduring love can arise after the usual fade time for romantic love.

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*I paraphrase Marian the Librarian as she sings in the movie Music Man, ♫“He is more interested in me than in himself and more interested in us than in me.”♫

1357. Three Strikes and He’s Out — Batter Up!

I encounter a very impressive person, attractive woman, and happy wife. She complains of the worsening of family life. She claims that men act irresponsibly, abandon wife and kids, and generally pursue all manner of masculine habits except those that provide and protect their families. I agreed until she blamed men. Women have been doing that for decades. It doesn’t make women right, it just keeps them from understanding what actually happens in the battle of the sexes.

I disagreed with the lady about blaming men. We only chatted briefly and I responded inadequately. For over three years I’ve been describing female malpractice that causes such unmanly behavior. I stick by my guns. This is what I should have said.

Family turmoil and separation are more the result of wives driving husbands away than husbands acting unreasonably. Wives put pressures on husbands that make them rebel. Wives become different women than the girlfriends their husbands married. Men figure they can do better with someone else. But then, later with another woman, they find themselves under the same pressures. So, the practice spreads of men abandoning their familes.

For example, a man marries with at least these three expectations: She’ll always be attractive in my eyes. She’ll always be likeable in my eyes. She’ll be great at harmonizing our home and life together. His expectations are based on her girlfriend/fiancé/early bride persona. After romantic love fades in a year or two, if not sooner, she changes into another person, someone he would not have married.

What he expects out of their marriage, she delivers in another form and not necessarily a form that he can accept. Tomorrow’s post 1358 describes him as the batter, her as pitcher, and their marriage summarized in husband’s final at-bat.

1097. Beauty Beheld by Different Eyes

Her Highness Violet asked how men view women called beautiful by conventional versus non-conventional standards. For example, those shaped with ‘rounded” features (Bridget Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, Angelina Jolie) compared to those with “chiseled” features (Angelica Houston, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sofia Coppola).  

A woman’s interest lies with attracting, capturing, and marrying a man. Female-identified standards of beauty add value to each woman. Such standards help attract, may help capture, but do little to hold a man. Once attracted, men operate on a different wavelength regardless of how they stare, ogle, offend, and enjoy females exhibiting themselves. Stir his loins and she holds his interest, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to venture beyond romantic love.

Romantic love fades in a year or two, and the foundation of enduring love lies with beauty as effect rather than cause. Both the cause and enduring love rise out of whatever promise she holds for him.  

If pushed a man may call it beauty, but he looks for the aura of promise that surrounds her as a person. Females of promise may include an acquaintance, daughter, date, sex object, friend, sister, her as mother, his own mom, object for dreaming or fantasizing, addition to his significance, or whatever female role generates his interest. Her beauty lies embedded and perhaps indistinguishable within her total promise for him.

If promise is present, his sense of beauty is there. No guy wants to associate with someone lacking beauty; if a woman of promise isn’t pretty, her man will find a way to call it beauty. For example, one guy says: “My wife’s wonderfully kind heart gives her a beauty I love.” Another says: “My mom’s beautiful.” Men call movie stars beautiful, but the beauty that triggers men to value beauty differs from female expectations.

In the end, modern women stimulate what they don’t want. They use the celebrity beauty standards described above to attract men. The social and domestic effects keep men focused on women and sex much more effectively than on one woman and family.  

Men initially see women as sex objects. Each female’s aura of promise to a man determines her beauty. Perception is reality, so whatever appears to be, is. It begs the question: How to generate such an aura?    

Her promise for enduring male interest lies indistinguishable in her appearance, attitude, self-respect, and feminine neatness at preparing herself for others to see. Men rise to the challenge of her indistinguishable nature (aka mysteriously feminine and unreadable). Out of the challenge, he pulls her promise for him. Men appreciate what they accomplish more than what’s given to them.

1089. She Gives but Doesn’t Get — Part C

Soft-headedness in women is characterized by unstable beliefs and weakened belief system. We continue here with more ways by which such a woman damages her self-interest and often cripples her lifestyle. She:

• Fails to recognize that a man bases both his respect for her—and promise she holds for his future—on how she handles herself before they first have sex. After conquest he pays much less attention to what else she has to offer; his mind’s made up. (Hollywood and TV work diligently to hide this aspect of male nature. They prefer to show the wishful but fruitless thinking of females who know little about men and nothing about the females’ strategic power potential of using virtual virginity.)
• Fails to comprehend that men as hunter-conquerors greatly appreciate, once the ‘battle’ is over, sex targets that defend well and fight back. Her long-deferred yielding confirms his courage, tenacity, persistence, and imaginative design of techniques and charm. Sex targets that do otherwise earn no respect from the conquering side of the male persona.
• Gets so caught up in romantic love that she lacks both knowledge and skill to generate a man’s enduring love to replace romantic love that inevitably fades in a year or two.
• Gets caught up in pop culture dynamics. For example, she asserts her ‘rights’ to greater sexual freedom and adventurism. Her behaviors keep men reminded that more enticing prizes are available outside every marriage.

More to follow soon.

1002. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 25

Editor’s Note: I promised something else today but can’t deliver. Look for it tomorrow.

• Commitment may work during the romantic love stage, but it fades away in a year or two after first sex together. Enduring love arises when her dependence and respect lathers gratefulness over him and his devotion to her lathers permanency over their relationship.
• When a man has what he wants in a woman, his interests are freed to pursue something else of interest. When a woman has what she wants in a man, she seeks to improve him. She stays more focused on him than he on her.
• Here’s a simple model to understand how good boys turn into mature men: A man’s greatest fear is insignificance. His significance comes from dreams that produce certain accomplishments and bigger dreams that produce bigger or more specific accomplishments. When the process starts in childhood, it more easily continues in manhood, e.g. earning Eagle Scout rank, mastering a musical instrument, or building complicated models or structures. His dreams and accomplishments may or may not make him a greater figure in the world, but they make him a specific figure to be reckoned with within himself. Thus, childhood accomplishments build personal strength and confidence of his significance.