Tag Archives: selfishness

545. Singles: Listen Up!

This article has been revised and reissued as #1564.


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480. What Moms Never Hear —I: Babyhood

Two minds merge at birth, but moms seldom hear this:

©     Nurturing or its lack develops and shapes her child’s self-esteem. How provided and who provides the nurturing determines how the child likes and appreciates Self for life.

©     Father has drives that conflict with nurturing. He’s driven to shape human events, whereas mother is driven to shape human lives. Trying to alter or close this natural gap does so at the expense of infant’s self-esteem.

©     Mother with a good mothering self-image nurtures her baby well. She usually strives to be the main authority, protector, and perhaps exclusive nurturer.

©     Mother naturally does well unless she lets negative feelings—e.g., selfishness, envy, jealousy, overwork, and frustration—slip into her thinking and reshape her nurturing.

©     Mom is the most qualified and prepared to make everything positive and consistently appreciative of infant. Unfortunately, she’s also the most influential for souring a child’s appreciation of Self.

©     A mom’s low self-esteem, unflattering self-image as mother, or detached self-interest as a nurturer can easily interfere with her quality of nurturing. This bodes ill for the child’s self-esteem.

Mom does her best. She does even better, when father is available. For more about her nurturing and father’s contributions see the NURTURING series in the CONTENTS page at blog top.

Details about self-esteem follows at post 481.


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466. Keepers for Keepers—Assortment 15

Dear Daughter: Did you miss any of these?

M The more she immodestly displays her endowments before their first sex together, the more he assumes that she yields relationship control to him. [12]

M Describing workable marriage is simple. Men seek freedom, but wives have to curtail it. Acting more as men do reduces her ability. [17]

M The male nature competes first and cooperates when necessary. The female nature cooperates first and competes when necessary.  [4]

M A man’s greatest fear is insignificance. A woman’s is abandonment. [4]

M Aside from cheating, mom’s easiest and very damaging mistake is this: Focus on children and relegate husband to playing second fiddle. [8]

M A wife that acknowledges and supports husband as head of the house signals belief in him and magnifies his significance more than what else she does. [9]

M A mature woman can cope with her man’s sharp tongue much easier than he can cope with hers. [17]

M A mature woman with a wounded spirit works harder to recover and do better. Immature females seek someone to nurse away their hurt. Men do something to forget it, which may include someone else. [4]

M Selfishness and self-centeredness by either mate add toxins to a couple’s life. It may take years, but the females’ relationship expertise can detoxify most of what arises. But only if she wants to. [17]


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440. What daughters never hear — Section 13

♀ Promises of commitment and excitement of love are not the glue of marriage. These ingredients make the glue:

·        Respect and forgiveness.

·        Dreaming about long range goals, setting and achieving short range goals that lead to dream fulfillment.

♀ Too eager by him means meager for her. The more intensely he focuses on conquest, the more eager to make her a dumpee.

Good intentions are no better than the follow through, and worse if they stand alone.

Men grow more fair and agreeable when gratefulness grows for their woman.

♀ Marriage spirals downward from too much shortsightedness, selfishness, and self-interest that outweigh our-interest.

Nature likes balances and tradeoffs. Letting husband rule the roost today enables wife to rule the rooster much later. He focuses short-term, and she dreams long-term.

Men and kids exposed to blame and criticism look for other opportunities and escape.

Put a plan into effect, and it needs continual adjustment—especially the family budget.

♀ Women sense accurately that two men will not knowingly share a woman sexually except when one cuckolds another.


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356. Female malpractice — Part 11

♀ ♣  Women get tattoos to dress up or add cuteness to exposed skin, and emphasize their equalness with men. Then, they wonder why more respect does not follow the slight increase in attention they get from shedding their modesty.

♀ ♣  Nagging arises from a heart hardened by selfishness. Not having what she wants, she seeks satisfaction through others.

♀ ♣  Nagging, when accepted by the naggee, perpetuates itself but produces unintended consequences.

♀ ♣  A woman disrespects or criticizes her man in front of others. He resents with silence and responds by shutting down. He’s not good company for awhile, and it should warn her. He’s stewing about it and other offenses, and she’s losing points. Enough points and she loses her license to appear with him, so he starts doing things alone—hobby, business, guy things.

♀ ♣  If she provides the money and home, she nullifies his role to protect and provide, and this makes him insignificant in his eyes if not hers. She cannot be totally grateful for him, and this deflates her potential for happiness. By his not providing their home, it cannot be his castle. Instability plagues such arrangements.

Ten more posts about Female malpractice appear in the CONTENT page in the blog header at the top.


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350. College girls: Dateless??? — Posts 231-250

One Duke University senior claimed she never had a date in college and knew no one that had. So, coed now means guys and booty?

Hear the rest of the story. The following are themes or thoughts at the post numbers. (Search by the number and then scroll down if not at top.)

231.       Virtual virginity works.

232.       Getting to know Jack.

233.       Feminist propaganda: brash and captivating.

234.       Female Chauvinist Pigs

235.       Suggestive or erotic?

236.       Kiss a frog, then neuter him.

237.       When he’s uncomfortable, she’s in control.

238.       Separate but equal works best.

239.       Selfishness: natural to the human condition.

240.       Capturing a man for the long haul.

241.       The male nature values her virtuous past.

242.       The first bonding agent: his respect for her.

243.       Both have guilt.

244.       Femininity adds color to his B&W world.

245.       Two-year glitch, seven-year itch, twenty-year ditch.

246.       She loses marital sainthood prepped  for the ex lane.

247.       Out of money but not out of month.

248.       Friendship based on sex doesn’t last, and vice versa.

249.       The conqueror has rights.

250.       The next hook up restarts the dreary cycle.

Escape or dodge the booty label. See the CONTENT page in the blog header.

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311. Preventive maintenance — Checklist II

The squabble-prevention checklist continues:

♥ Keeping him is easy but not simple, once she learns to use her female strengths.

♥ Feminine brightens his day. As one woman put it, femininity adds color to a man’s B&W world. [Alison A. Armstrong, Keys to the Kingdom, p.151]

♥ People respect those who are different, unique, and powerful within themselves. Her power thrust in his face offends, however, whereas well-controlled internal strength is admired.   

♥ Virginity, devotion, and marriage are recoverable. People make so many mistakes that recovery is everything. (Details in posts titled Virtual Virginity.) 

♥ She’s a keeper, once she learns to keep him.

♥ Hook up but no call? Moved in but no joy? Married but no peace? Then change herself, because men don’t or won’t.

♥ Women are the maintenance experts, men go along for a smooth and maintenance-free ride.

♥ Learn the difference: Self interest motivates everyone. Self-centeredness motivates you. Us-centeredness motivates us. Selfishness de-motivates others.

♣ Feminism sours his day.

♣ Attacks unsettle his day.

♣ If she’s never satisfied, it drives his thoughts to other options. (The wedding signaled she was satisfied with him, so dissatisfaction means she changed and is no longer the woman he married.)

[The checklist started at post 296. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

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307. Newlywed Bonding #10 — Self-talk enslaves money

I offer self-talk that breeds financial success.

We become better people, when we live up to someone or something bigger than ourselves. It reduces self-centeredness and prevents selfishness. This improves everyone around us. Happier people make other people happy. And, that’s us. Contrary to common thinking, successful budgeting does it for us.

It only requires success-breeding rules honored by both of us. The following mutual commitments convey our meaning and dedication to one another:

1.           We can’t do it all yet, but we pledge to each other that we’ll work toward everything listed below.

2.           When we make mistakes, we’ll not look back. Make no room for guilt, or it will spoil our future. After all is said and done, hitting our targets is not everything, but recovery is everything even if we stumble some more.

3.           Money is available for everything we need, so long as we trade off money allocated to lower priority items to spend on higher priority items. Tradeoffs bless our endeavors by reminding that we always have enough money for vital needs. Tradeoffs also enable us to reprioritize our needs, wants, and wishes, and that’s the way it should be. 

4.           It may take years, but with each income increase we’ll squeeze our lifestyle until we live on 80% of our income.

5.           As squeezing permits, we’ll first shift 10% into short range savings each year (e.g., Christmas, vacation, gifts, etc.). We’ll not use credit to expand spending on these wants, but we expect expansion later as income increases.

6.           As squeezing permits, we’ll shift until we put another 10% into long range savings (home purchase, kid’s college, retirement, or whatever we choose).  

7.           Christmas and vacation spending will be limited to whatever we allocate at the start of the year and don’t tradeoff before those events arrive. Overspending on either event violates our principles and causes problems we intend to avoid.

8.           If we have a budget item but no funds to put there yet (e.g., none for long range savings), we will budget and accumulate at least $1 a month to remind its still a high priority intention. We’ll track it as a target, let it accumulate as a $12 IOU each year, and increase as more income permits.  

9.           Our card balances will grow no more. We’ll stop immediately charging on our cards unless we set the money aside to pay it off with the next billing. Our monthly monitor of cash flow will be used to track and obligate these funds until the bill comes in.

10.      We’ll pay off our credit cards as soon as possible. Once done, we will never again not pay them off each month.

11.      If financial arguments erupt, we will discuss our financial management process and whatever shortcoming caused the issue with the view to avoiding it in the future. To argue about the money or each other’s faults merely triggers lack of faith in each other. It’s the process we adopt that keeps us from each other’s throats.

12.      We’ll work up a plan for both of us to earn a reward each month. (Described in the next post.)

Budgetary rules make things come out the way people want, if they but impose and honor rules of their own making. Live up to our own rules, and we’ll become financially secure along the way and, perhaps, rich someday.

[More about newlyweds appears at posts 301, 297, 261, 257, 254, 247, 242, 230 and 224. Scroll down or search by number with dot and space following it.]

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