882. Get Him to the Church on Time

Her Highness Easybreezy claims that guys will date but refuse to go to church with you ladies. I hereby suggest a new approach that qualifies for WWNH.

What if you developed a new standard for dating? What if you bargained more before dating? Consider these two options: (1) Insist that first date be his escorting you to church. (2) If necessary, back off and grant first date only with his promise of escorting you to church the next Sunday. In either case after the first church date, subsequent dates require a date for church on Sunday next.

Now I know you ladies are invited on dates far too infrequently. You see great risk in levying such a tough requirement on the guys that do call or ask. But keep this in mind: Even though your roles reverse after marriage, you learn to manage the domestic scene by learning to manage the dating scene. If he won’t live up to your expectations before marriage, why do you think he will afterward?

The following model conversation illustrates how invitations may take place. Remember, it’s just a model. To sample it, personalize and reword the ‘She’ role to fit your personality and druthers. Also, anticipate how guys will react, and present your expectations to win the favor of each. (You can tell an awful lot about a man when he says No.)

He:      Would you like to go out with me?

She:     Sure, if I can pick the day and place. My first date is always church on Sunday. We can have a second date with lunch after church. I’ll pick the church, you pick the lunch. Or you pick the church, and I’ll bring a picnic basket. I love picnics, don’t you?

He:      Well, I’m not sure I’m free on Sunday. I may be doing something else. (He plays vague and unavailable to weaken her resolve.)

She:     Well, call me next week then. I love having handsome men escort me to church on Sunday. (She plays hardtoget to counter his V&U).)

He:      Well, can’t we go out some night this week? (Persistence is good, as he seeks to recover and get his way.)

She:     Well, yes, if you promise to escort me to church the following Sunday. Then, if we agree, we can have lunch or picnic afterward. (The promise is a key to his character. Whether he breaks or keeps it, she has grounds to judge his worthiness for her.)

He:      Well, I’m not sure I can promise. My Sundays are crowded. (Trying vague and unavailable again.)

She:     Well call me next week and we can try again. (If she fearfully yields to dating under his terms and without at least the promise of escorting her to church, she loses respect. Perhaps more importantly, she loses opportunity to gain great respect.)

NOTES

• When you play hardtoget, you confirm the competitive arrangement. He’s the seller, you’re the buyer, and you need to keep it that way in single life.
• He hesitates, argues against, or refuses to promise. What else won’t he do that you expect? Pay for date costs? Respect your female sensibilities? Honor your wishes?
• He shows excitement and promises to date for church; it indicates potential devotion to you. You need greater confirmation. On the other hand, if he fails to fulfill his promise, you waste little time uncovering his faux sincerity.
• After a few dates, you can better assess his devotion to accepting part of your lifestyle. Does he deserve you as a date, if he won’t honor and participate in your way of life?

The model above shows one way to pull men into your lifestyle as independent woman living up to something bigger than yourself. It also helps to identify if he’s after you or something less. Getting him to the church can make a difference.

504. Virtual Virginity #21

©     Repeatedly refused sex by one woman brings out both the best and worst in a man. This enables females to identify Mr. Good Enough and condition his thinking and shape his interests into potential Mr. Right.

©     As Emerson said: The world turns on hope. Her relationships always spin, plunge, and soar on hope. Virtual virginity shifts his life from hope for sex to hope for her.

©     Her personal policy of virtual virginity should not be disclosed to those that know her. It works better as private commitment to Self. “Not now” leaves a man with hope. “I’m saving myself for marriage” discourages and may destroy all hope before he gets to really know her.

©     Old school values promote maturity before sex, the feminine way. Moderns go for sex before maturity, the masculine way.

©     Modern dating, courtship, and marriage build on sex values and expectations developed as immature and sexually active teenagers. Being in charge matures a person, and virtual virginity puts her in charge of his conquering efforts.

©     A woman primarily committed to virtual virginity strengthens herself against the masculine strategy of ‘vague and unavailable’. If someone becomes a fool, let it be him.  

503. Hunks, Jocks, et al

Hunks, jocks, and dreamy guys tend to be like this:

v Her personal qualities mean little other than her likeability for companionship. He tires of her easily, however, because the next hottie appears more exciting and companionable.

v Unconditional respect for the female gender is low or non-existent. He was never pushed to treat females respectfully, and so it’s not embedded in his psyche.

v What little admiration he has for a particular female tends only to appear when he wants sex—booty call and one-night stand come to mind.

v Manipulation, intimidation, and abuse come easy to him, because he lacks respect for her gender. (It’s not what she does, it’s what all her predecessors handed him without investment of his Self.)

v He’s learned that females easily fall victim to his ‘vague and unavailable’ technique, so he prowls with apparent indifference. (It’s not so much his testosterone or his present mate. It’s more the way females in his past life have conditioned his thinking with easy wins and few losses.)

He handles hardtoget out of habit. However, what he can’t have triggers his weakness. Denied sex, ego permits only two options: (1) Ignore and forget her knowing that the next female will assuage his ego. (2) Schmooze her until she yields.

489. DATING 4: Asking for First Date II

We return to the workings of the male mind, as it considers asking for first date.

Impressions are stronger than facts, because we’re emotional creatures. Mystery about her sexual proclivities works best to attract his asking for first date.

©     Men admire chastity in a woman, but they don’t hit on nuns. Why? Respect, of course, and lack of hope. As Emerson claims: The world turns on hope.

©     If hopeful of sex and he’s not playing it vague and unavailable, he normally asks for a date. If she declares, avows, or everyone knows that she’s into no sex without marriage, she eliminates hope and might as well be in nun’s habit. Why ask for date unless he already seeks to marry on her terms?

©     Mystery surrounding her chasteness is stronger and more a challenge than is the certainty or absence of it. A sprinkling of suspicion about her standards does far more to capture a man’s curiosity and spark his imagination for conquest, hence make him more likely to ask her out.

©     Mystery pays. Smiles without reason, friendliness without eagerness, and preliminary conversation without sex overtones pays off. Familiarity reduces mystery and works against her. Sex lures and objectification, for example, reduce risk for him. It also reduces respect and value for her.

©     Females fish with full disclosure, as if males appreciate it as women do. This gives a male time and info to reduce his risk of rejection. First date may result, but less risk means weaker investment of his Self, which means less value and respect for her, which weakens prospects for second date.

Summarizing, chasteness earns a man’s respect and admiration, but his knowledge of its certainty can discourage asking for first date.

369. HardToGet Pays Off — Vague 2

       I admit it’s a game. Women have ignored it for years, but now men win with it. It’s called ‘hardtoget’. Men call the same strategy ‘vague and unavailable’.

What people want, think they deserve, but apparently can’t have, they want even more. So, their interests and efforts intensify.

Men play this way: Show little interest in her even for sex. Let her talk and emote her way into your bed.

Women play this way: Whether you have an interest or not, show disinterest until he shows much more than sexual interest in you. Make him work his way into your heart long before your bed.

Our foremothers mastered the art (see post #82). But modern women lose more than they win.

Women are too impatient to generate relationships with men. They expose their interest with too much skin, eagerness to get involved, and willingness to go along to get along. Men sit back and act vague and unavailable, and women come to them in spirit if not actually.

Women allow no time for a man’s imagination to fire up, focus on her as partner with sex as mere byproduct, and her to the exclusion of others.  (Also see #359, 287, and 252 about firing up the masculine imagination.)

What women never hear:  The male ego feeds on accomplishments, not what comes easily. Unearned gifts make no lasting impressions. She makes erasable impressions, when she pushes herself toward him or provides sex with little investment of the heart by him. Thus, she makes herself disposable long before time together can generate a lasting relationship.   

More follows soon.

265. Female Fortitude—81 through 85

These ‘fortitudinals’ provide special themes or summaries. Numbers match the posts.

81.      Hunter-conquerors appreciate tantalizing, challenging, and hard-to-capture prey. This motivates men to investigate a woman intensively instead of just for sex.

82.      Men now exploit the superior tactic developed by women, being vague and unavailable. Modern women fall prey to the ingenuity of their sex.

83.      When women sour on their marriage, they turn against men. When men sour on their marriage, they turn against marriage.

84.      What makes sex cheap? The same thing that makes anything cheap—oversupply. Women are in charge, until they make a man ‘purchase’ exclusive rights through marriage.

85.      Postmodern retro thinking has young women mimicking teen boys.

[Previous fortitudinals appear in posts 260, 255, 250, 245, 240, 234, 228, 213, 203, 199, 186, 182, and 176.]

240. Female Fortitude—56 through 60

These ‘fortitudinals’ provide special themes or summaries. Numbers match the posts.

56.      Any organization needs a CEO, a final authority to whom falls the toughest decisions. Two-boss organizations inevitably fall apart, and people—think kids—are confused by two equal authorities to whom they report. It’s so easy to play one against the other.

57.      Women seek happiness with a man, but they can’t be grateful for who he is and what he does. It doesn’t work.

58.      ♀ Capturing a man for the long haul is all about salesmanship. Like any effective salesman trying to seal a deal, she learns to ‘take it away’ and stimulate his pursuit. It supplements the vague and unavailable and virtual virginity strategies discussed elsewhere.

59.      Even when sex is not cheap, a man ponders that other women look better than his present sex partner. As a skillful and successful hunter-conqueror, he could do better the next time. A woman’s challenge and only option is to make him forget the ‘do better’ and ‘next time’ parts.   

60.      Ignorant women begrudge male dominance. Smart women go around it, smother it with feminine charm, tease it into submission, and manage the pressures. No matriarchy has arisen in over 7,000 years, so evidence points to unalterable DNA as the root cause.  

[Previous ‘fortitudinals’ appear in posts 234, 228, 213, 203, 199, 186, 182, and 176.

96. Virtual Virginity #4

They will hate me for spilling the beans, but down deep men know this: Playing hard-to-get thwarts a man’s conquering agenda and tames his spirit.

Before he conquers a woman of his dreams, she controls their relationship agenda. He is willing to go along with virtually everything she wants, does, and demands. He is willing to give away important things to keep her interested in him. He will negotiate but let her win easily. He will extend himself beyond his own expectations to please her. These things he will do with a willing spirit that fades or dies after their first intercourse. But he’ll never admit to any of this.

However, most men hide their willingness to go along so easily. They see themselves in take-charge and dominant mode.

Other men hide behind tactics such as acting vague and unavailable, the masculine version of HardToGet. These tactics purposely fake a disinterest in her, so that she will turn desperate and yield without him having to pay the full price she could demand.

Other men use threats of dumping her, if she doesn’t yield sexually. It proves they are only after sex and not her.  

It takes a hard-headed and soft-hearted woman to take and keep such a man off the prowl. And, she does it best by retaining control of their relationship agenda by remaining chaste until marriage or, at least, engagement sealed by his devotion rather than just words of commitment.

The more chaste she appears, then the more unique and possibly extraordinary she appeals to a man. Her past appears more virgin-like when his imagination fires up that all those other men failed, because he cannot conquer her.

She always appears more respectful in the eyes of men that cannot conquer her, and a man’s love is based on his respect for a woman.