1836. Advice to Men? Unwelcome!

During my five years of posting here, women frequently ask me to advise men on how to become better prospects as dates, boyfriends, lovers, husbands, and fathers. I’ve always declined, because men resist change:

1. Attempts to change men are seen as rooted in Feminism. Men reject it instinctively.
2. Men don’t listen to men about how to improve themselves. If they don’t know already, men expect to learn all they need to know firsthand and not from a competitor.
3. Modern women forsake their natural ability to change a man when they yield first-sex together. Men have no interest in convincing women otherwise and lack interest in changing themselves to please a woman after they conquer her.
4. In the realm of women initiating change, men change for one reason. It’s to comply with a woman’s pre-conquest expectations. As they figure her out over time, men change both words and actions to facilitate conquest. (Women remain vulnerable. A man’s actions may be temporary or permanent. His words may be sincere or insincere. Only chaste time together—a lengthy courtship for instance —earns her sufficient respect for his heart to accept her refusals and appreciate her promise as a previously chaste mate. Her virgin or near-virgin status signifies that no or very few men out competed him for sex with her, which is more important than her actual chasteness. I recognize that modern men don’t seem wired that way, but it describes the male nature hidden under pop culture values.)
5. Present-day cheap and easy sex appeals to men. They thrive on their own promiscuity but abhor it in women they find worth mating. They don’t want social values and arrangements to change, but they expect to marry a woman as close to virgin status as possible. (Women can hide past promiscuity as described under Virtual Virginity as listed in the CONTENTS page.)
6. Radical feminists demeaned the male character and condemned patriarchy. Under the guise of promoting matriarchy, they initiated the self-fulfilling prophecy. Feminists believe and non-feminists accept the propaganda, and men began and continue to live up to what women expect. It’s the self-fulfilling prophecy fulfilled. Made to feel worthless in the process of females finding happiness through feminist values and pressures, men lost their desire to help fulfill female hopes and dreams. They continue to perceive few incentives to improve their worth except self-worth.
7. Women squawk and act desperate about male shortcomings. Men don’t pay attention, because sex is so cheap and easy. If a woman is hard to live with, men can find another woman eager to provide sex with no cover charge bigger than her hope of his commitment. Men have learned to keep open all escape options. It’s easy too with women so desperate to have dates, boyfriends, lovers, and husbands.

It does no good for me or anyone else to tell men they have defects and flaws that are unattractive to women. Men don’t change as women want. WADWMUFGAO* Men change in response to what makes them feel good about themselves. Just pleasing women or a woman doesn’t do that. They feel good when they want and do please a woman. Consequently, the more a woman wants to be pleased, the less he will do it. Which of course begs the question: What should she do to perpetuate a man’s desire to please her? Answer: Find gratitude in her, him, life, and everything else because gratefulness breeds happiness and men love to have a happy woman nearby who is deserving and easy to please.

Women can only influence men to change by rejecting feminist thought and gaining a better understanding of the male nature. Then, they can do it one woman and one man at a time. A better understanding of both men and women can be found in the ‘Redux’ series that starts at post 1747. That lengthy series contrasts the sexes as very different and promotes female initiatives that win greater favor with men.

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*We all do what makes us feel good about ourselves.

1826. Sex Difference Redux—Part 74: Women are Born, Men are Made

The child becomes the adult. Girls are born with natural tendencies that boys lack. Boys and even adult men require development by females if they are to measure up to womanly expectations. For example:

1. Girls learn right, wrong, and obedience more easily and younger than boys learn it from mothers, fathers, teachers, and preachers.
2. Girls slip easily into acting civilized, but boys must be calmed and taught.
3. Girls ease smoothly into family life by anticipating what’s needed and what’s coming. Boys have to be taught to respect others’ interests by honoring their standards and expectations.
4. Girls socialize more easily and depend on others for guidance and help. Boys care little for socializing except with buddies, until they finally bend under social norms and pressure from girls and adults.
5. Girls unconditionally respect others regardless of sex. Boys respect males much more readily than females. They usually must be taught to respect authority-figure females such as mothers, grannies, and teachers.
6. Girls can easily respect others before others earn it. Boys tend to challenge others first and then respect them after they earn it.
7. Girls anticipate and become obedient quickly, especially when father cherishes their preciousness. Boys learn through experience and fathers are the most effective at defining lessons that should be learned.
8. Girls accept and honor parental lessons much more easily and younger than boys. Weaknesses and inconsistencies of parental leadership confuse boys and manifest as masculine immaturity in the teens and adulthood.
9. Girls inherit this dilemma. Boys are born with little or no understanding or acceptance of the promises held for men by domestic home life. Nor about how women view and expect domestic home life to proceed. Men are no more capable of idealizing home life up to womanly standards, or even adjusting to it, than what they witness growing up. Not that they are incapable but their sense of dominance must be harnessed just to consider wifely options, druthers, and expectations. (It makes virtual virginity so valuable when trying to capture and hold manly attention.)
10. Girls have to earn the respect of boys. Prepubescent boys learn by being taught to respect sisters and authority figures. After puberty, teen girls earn masculine respect according to how well they protect sexual assets against the desire of boys. Rejection displeases boys and repeated refusals teach that limits exist in spite of boyish smooth talk and girlish dreams of eternal love. Continual frustration starts the process of boys learning of love for one woman. It’s the best way that girls tame boys to think in terms of monogamous love and family responsibility. (Having sex immediately gratifies two teens; deferring
    sex gratifies the sisterhood by teaching boys they can’t always have their way and must earn a woman’s heart.)

Wives inherit the final burden of getting husbands to see value in their home. Harmonizing family relationships and sustaining husband’s castle image does it best. Women are born with the ability but men are not.

The sexes differ greatly from birth. Females are in charge of building monogamous compatibility, because they gain the most from it. Mothers inculcate, teen girls tame, single women train, and wives domesticate males to live up to womanly expectations. Men who don’t receive such development end up doing something other than what women expect and appreciate.

1789. Sex Difference Redux — Part 43: Dignity Wins IV

I continue with the story of my playing the mother who has been insulted by an unfaithful husband. Post 1787 describes me dealing with myself. Post 1788 describes me dealing with children. This article describes me dealing with my husband.

My recovery continues with husband likely to seek divorce as soon and maybe before I apply pressure to him. Consequently, I intend to avoid that pressure, reassert control over my potential as independent woman, and conduct myself in a highly dignified fashion.

Dignity. I repeat the definition of dignity, up to which I expect myself to live:

1. a proper sense of pride and self-respect
2. seriousness, respectfulness, or formality in somebody’s behavior and bearing
3. the condition of being worthy of respect, esteem, or honor
4. the respect or honor that a high rank or position should be shown
5. a high rank, position, or honor.

It matters deeply that I view myself mastering each point in that model of dignity. My road to recovery lies with husband seeing and desiring to ‘re-inherit’ such character in a wife, namely me as the most unique creature of whom he’s aware.

His Situation. It matters not whether he was lured to cheat or sought it out of his primal urge to conquer. He’s no longer loyal to me in marriage for one simple reason: He doesn’t respect me enough to love me enough to devote himself to sexual faithfulness.

If he initiates his defense by threatening divorce, I can face it three ways. Accept it as inevitable, give in and take sucker punches to the psyche, or I can vengefully fight back with female tenacity. I discard the first two options as both unproductive for ‘my side’ and disadvantageous to my natural strengths. As to the third way, I go on offense to upgrade my existing dignity. That will produce the best result for me and, consequently, my children.

As with the rest of life, it’s a mind game. I take charge of my emotions and follow a strict regimen of thinking that puts me in the driver’s seat of my emotional future. If I let him control my emotions or dictate my behaviors, I lose both the divorce battle and much ability to live successfully after it.

My Condition. My greatest fear is potentially realized; whether actual or not, I seem abandoned. My greatest drive to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones goes up in smoke. My great want for a man alongside in case of tough times has seemingly vaporized. My need for a brighter future is squashed into mushy uncertainty for the near term. From those conditions I have to recover regardless of what he does.

My sunken sense of self-worth and importance adversely impacts the whole family, and I need my greatest strengths to weather the domestic storms ahead. My greatest burdens are my weakened self-esteem, -image, -confidence, and -respect. I don’t like myself as much as before. I lack the image that I can gain victory. I lack the self-confidence to stand up to anyone and everyone. And, I lack the self-respect to reinforce my personal importance to myself and others. To ease those burdens, I choose dignity as the cure.

I take charge to also prevent depression setting in. When I control my actions, I control my beliefs and emotions; admittedly it takes time, but it beats letting a man make a victim out of me.

I choose to do certain things in a dignified manner. I neither respect nor empathize with husband, but I can deal with him and generate victory for me. These things seem to be primary for appearing more dignified:

My Intention. I become a different woman overnight, a mental gymnast. I work completely to serve myself first and foremost. I forget husband as father, treat him as outsider, and restore my self-image as a woman, my self-esteem as a person, and my self-respect as a highly respected wife and mother. I handle the kids as needed to assuage their anger and fears but put all extra effort toward myself.

My Target. I am my primary target and not husband. I’m the one left to dither in the frozen wilderness of a shattered relationship. Recovery is everything. Snuggling up to someone else provides him an easy way out, or so he probably thinks, but how do I recover?

My Objective. I peaceably disassemble us as a couple without me becoming a quarrelsome nagger, shrew, or emotional burn out. He sees nothing but that he loses what he highly valued sometime past. He sees a woman as close as possible to the girl he initially married but more highly withdrawn and independent. Sounds like a tough order, and it is.

My Purpose. I have new purpose in life. I shift gears away from soft-hearted family tenderness and back into hard-headed premarital and pre-conquest practicality similar to that used to protect my most unique asset. I reinforce and resort to femininity, mystery, modesty, morality, virtual virginity, monogamous beliefs. I strengthen my female assertiveness, independence, and insistence that marital fidelity is holy in the eyes of both God and me. That he sinned is God’s business; that he broke vows is my problem. I do it all quietly and calmly and especially without preaching at him. I recognize that when I preach, he hoists his guilt barrier as first line of defense.

My Strategy. I set aside the children as a matter of concern with husband. We deal with ourselves almost exclusively. I refuse to let him interject the kids and cower behind their needs in order to win me to his side of the argument. If husband enables the kids to see me as the dumpee, it betrays him more than me. He can’t ever make it up to kids. They may forgive, but they never forget, and forgetfulness is needed to complete the bonding after such emotional trauma.

Betraying anyone to whom he has vowed allegiance means that he betrays his own conscience (if I was smart enough to choose a man with a conscience). To excuse himself, he relies on rationalizations that may involve lying to himself, which undermines a person’s mental strength. How reliable is one’s conscience once it’s self-betrayed? Or, what negotiating weakness befalls a man lacking in mental strength who lies to himself? He no doubt can live with himself, but it will be tougher and can interfere with compatibility with ‘the other woman’. I intend to exploit the weakness he brought on himself.

My Tactics.

• I don’t reveal it to him, but I accept blame for our relationship not being fully successful. Even to myself, I provide no details and simply take responsibility of the whole rather than details or my behavior. Accuracy matters far less than perceptions. Accepting blame helps defuse his animosity and demonstrates an independence he thought I lacked. I blame him for nothing but also excuse him for nothing. Let his masculine imagination dwell on and massage the details that—left to him without my feedback—generate guilt.
• Unless he leaves, we share our home as two occupants. I resist the urge to push him out the door, and I refuse to even think about my leaving. Essentially, we live separate lives under the same roof. It benefits my game plan to have him regularly exposed to my restored and newfound dignity.
• I neither complain nor explain. If he leaves, he sees neither joy nor regret on my face. He doesn’t know how I feel about it, him, us, her, cheating, divorce, or anything else. If he threatens me even with the loss of my children, I will indirectly but convincingly let him know that it may not bother me. Silence, modeling a poker face, and perhaps a little acting from time to time will signal newfound independence for me. (After he cheats, I owe him neither full disclosure nor full sincerity about my feelings or plans.)
• I may hate his guts, and he expects that I will. But indirectly I let him dangle in the wrong as he sees it with me showing only feminine dignity. I continue until my life absorbs full recovery to my liking. He sees a new me full of quiet and dignified surprise and purpose. He sees a greater price to be paid for dumping me. It’s more likely he will return in case I still seek that outcome.

My Conclusions. The toughest part? For some uncertain future, I expect to manage myself without receiving his love, affection, and intimacy. I strengthen myself to withstand the personal shock of no togetherness and closeness. I convince him and myself that I can do without presently in order to have it restored in the future. I have to reconceive and restructure my future but prevent myself becoming an emotional wreck— angry, vengeful, or bitter. With determination to succeed, handling all my other emotions becomes much easier. For example, by renouncing marital sex I make virtual virginity the greatest power behind my wifely control over pressures and events. It also helps restore my dignity, brighten my future, and refresh a dominant spirit he’s not seen recently.

The easiest part? He may cite excuses or think he has other reasons, but it boils down to this: He cheated because of lack of respect for me. So, I square off my well-rounded heels. If he doesn’t want me exclusively, he doesn’t deserve me at all. He’s not heard of virtual virginity, but he deserves to learn the hard way. I demonstrate an independent and strong will that husband has not seen before. From the new me he faces unending surprises with neither complaint nor explanation about sex.

Finally, I dodge the worst offense for keeping husband at home. I neither threaten nor strike back by being unfaithful to him. It might work as an equality bargain, tit for tat in my mind or girlfriends’ minds, but it never would work in his mind. He’d lose lasting respect for me, which is the opposite effect I desire. Not that I’m not justified in taking another man, but I can’t control events before, during, or through divorce without husband’s uber respect. And so, I finish with one of my favorite soundbytes: If he cheats, she wants to talk. If she cheats he wants to walk.

1763. Sex Difference Redux — Part 17: Virginity

Two kinds of virginity exist—actual and virtual. The virtual makes a woman powerfully influential as described in the series ‘virtual virginity’. The actual is only attractive to men, but its apparent presence bribes the male nature far beyond its intrinsic worth. Once she yields, it’s meaningless although virtual virginity can restore even greater value to her.

First, the male nature. To fully understand the role of female virginity to males, we need to dispose of the fantasy that male virginity has value to females, except perhaps to the female ego disillusioned by ‘equality politics’. Women deceive themselves by placing high value on male virginity. It’s probably another attempt to bridge this gap. That is, if female virginity is important to men, why shouldn’t male virginity be important to women?

When it comes to sexual relations, men are hunter-conquerors, and boys are little men. To a boy after puberty, his virgin status is a shame, a horse collar label among his peers. If not laughing in his face, they laugh behind his back. It has to do with masculinity and male competition, not girls.

To the girl who is surprised or who ‘nurtures’ a boy through his change of status, three outcomes are most likely. (1) Too much foreplay and he pre-ejacs, embarrasses himself, holds it against her, and longs for the day he can prove himself to another female. So, she’s made herself temporary in his life. (2) Too little foreplay and she’s not ready. Yet, she yields and he learns that girls are easy to rollover, foreplay is not so important, and he longs for the day he can do it again. So, he shifts his focus from her to others and takes early steps toward seeing reward in infidelity. (3) Having many successful sexual encounters teaches boys that adventurous thrills can be found in multiple partners and that one female can be dull. Unless they just married, boys have little future use for the girl who taps their virginity. This makes it a ‘dirty job’ for smart girls and women.

Doubts exist whether a boy could learn such negative lessons about girls from one event. But, many sexual episodes program the mind, especially when they happen in the hormonal throes that program the male heart during puberty and shortly thereafter.

So much for men; their virgin status may be beneficial for their wives. But male virginity has nowhere near the same importance as both actual and virtual female virginity to women.

A bride’s virginity adds greatly to her sense of self-importance; she accomplished her goal of preserving her greatest asset, unsullied as it were. Her actual virginity contributes markedly to bridegroom’s sense of self-admiration. His male competitors highly value female virginity as critical to a man’s competitive stature. He’s second class if he marries a woman other men have known. Even if others don’t think it, the bridegroom does. Men who marry virgins think very highly of themselves; their self-image takes on a proud aura they don’t talk about, which further inflates their self-image. (Remember, this is not about modern day custom but their intrinsic natures.)

This sums it up. Actual virginity has value to men but her yielding ends it. Virtual virginity has value to women if they use rather than cheapen it. In both cases, women are in charge. Female behavior determines social outcomes. As women go, so goes society.

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NOTE: I describe it elsewhere but can’t find it now. One simple strategy delivers the greatest long term benefits to women: She should never reveal whether virgin or not before marriage and never disclose her sexual history before or after marriage. The series ‘virtual virginity’ describes reasons and techniques to implement the strategy.

1757. Sex Differences Redux — Part 11: Bonding

Women bond as easily as they provide sex after emotional lead up and foreplay. Causing much confusion to modern women, men don’t bond that way and are more complex than women.

The bonding process for both is simple, if one just considers their respective natures. View a man and woman as if they just emerged from the womb as full size adults with distinctively different roles in life. They’ve not yet learned anything about life or dealt with other people. No experiences, no beliefs learned, and no development of personality. Just the male and female natures in the raw, as it were.

The woman’s process starts with touching and completes with their first sex together. She senses that he also bonds and is captured, and she expects that he’s hooked. She does what makes her feel good about herself; her self-love blossoms as she more and more tries to demonstrate that she’s his Ms. Right. It satisfies her need for self-importance. However, such demonstrative actions to prove her value are usually wasted. He bonds from other stimulants.

If her gratitude arises out of their post-coital relationship, her happiness follows. If her gratefulness for him doesn’t follow her efforts, their relationship crumbles. Her bond with him may shatter, but even if she learns to hate him, it seldom completely leaves her heart.

The man’s bonding process begins with her attractiveness that stirs his loins. It concludes with his conviction of her likeability for who he is and what he does. Sex with her is not only unnecessary, it interferes with uncovering her qualities that hold promise for him and thus weakens his conviction about her likeability.

Men bond from this. She’s attractive and likeable. He respects her for her self-respect, self-confidence, and self-control. She amuses, uplifts, and pleases him. She respects who he is and appreciates what he does. His conviction confirms her likeability and he wants to keep her around—provided, that is, if the price to be determined over some lengthy time ahead isn’t too high. (For example, if she speaks too early of marriage or discloses her sexual history, the price jumps too high.)

If their relationship sours, his bond with her follows suit. Sex will only lure him back temporarily. To restore his bond, he needs to start over by seeing a new and reinforced self-respect, self-confidence, and self-control as she denies sex to him. He sees new promise, and such an epiphany opens his eyes to reappraising what else and new she has to offer him for a different kind of life together. (His nature works that way, and it’s why virtual virginity works.)

The sexes are vastly different in the ways they bond as couples. The process becomes infinitely more complex after values, beliefs, and expectations complicate both men and women in real life. But the essence is as described above. Sex with him bonds her; the promise he sees in her as likeable companion or mate bonds him.

Note this for your diary/journal: She’s in charge of whether to provide sex. She’s also in charge of cultivating herself such that he sees that she holds promise for the present and his future as he foresees it. (Her words don’t hold such promise.) In both cases, she acts and he reacts. Got it? Women determine all bonding. Thus, as women go, so go relationships, marriages, society (what we all do), and the culture (why we all do what we do).

1639. Recapture the Dumper

Her Highness E. at post 1638 inquired about this. “What is the best way to get a man back into your life after he has made a decision not to continue the courtship/dating process?”

The best way comes in three steps. Examine yourself, get his attention, and re-magnify his interest.

1. Examine yourself. Figure out if he’s really worth bringing back into your life. Are you convinced that he did, can, or will make himself worthy of you? If yes, then ask yourself this question: “Did or can he find in me promise for his bright future? Not what I promise him, but just the promise he sees in me that would likely inspire him to try again?”
2. Get his attention. Never acknowledge to him that you were hurt. Prove that you’re neither desperate nor sorry for his having dropped you. Manage for him to see you dressed much, much, much more attractively and acting more independent and fun-filled than last he saw you. Don’t make eye contact unless he greets you. Then, smile with plenty of eye contact, greet as you would a stranger, and proceed pleasantly with whatever enables you to ignore him. If he doesn’t greet you, ignore him and never make eye contact. Your only hope is that he will reconsider earlier decisions, take a new look, and revive his interest—all on his own.
3. Re-magnify his interest. If he shows any interest, then start over as if you never knew him before. Proceed as if you never dated. Mystery pays off for you. Treat him as if it’s your first contact. Don’t ask what went wrong. Don’t pry as to his intentions then or now. If he inquires about your past relationship, offer the absolute minimum response without explaining or alibiing for yourself. Don’t complain either. Smile throughout the encounter. You don’t need to answer all his questions. For example, he asks if you’re still dedicated to withholding sex until marriage. Just smile and change the subject or walk away.

If he shows renewed interest, pledge yourself to virtual virginity (whether you had sex before or not). Treat him as a new man in your life and react in ways that keep him guessing about your expectations. Your only hope lies with his concluding you’re very different and more promising than the gal he dated earlier. You may never know why he dropped you in the first place, so quit trying to figure it out. Let him see that it was a mistake, whatever his reason.

Finally, in my opinion, it’s wasted effort. A fresh start is superior. It’s far easier for a lady to attract attention and interest without having to overcome the dark cloud of sourness that pervades every dumped woman. She may not yet know how to show it. Or, perhaps the dumper couldn’t appreciate it. But, she’s far better as both person and woman than the message his departure sent.

1545. Friendly Reminders — #25

• Compatibility has one switch for sex. They compete before conquest. They cooperate after.
• If a woman sets standards and has high expectations, a man will step up, elevate his effort, and smooth his attitude—but only before their first sex together. After that, she’s no worse than the woman he conquered, and he expects her to step up to his expectations.
• A man will not long play games or otherwise compete for sex with a woman he has conquered. If she persistently uses sex to get her way, he will rebel quietly, privately, noisily, or physically. Whichever way he chooses, he won’t tolerate it very long and will soon seek another woman.
• Virtual virginity doesn’t make her judgments foolproof. It does, however, enable her to distinguish the important things to her: long term devotion from short term commitment, the Marrying Man from the player, the mature from the immature, the sincere from the phony, the temperate from the intolerable, the believer in something admirably greater than himself from the disbeliever, the considerate guy from the inconsiderate practitioner that shocks female sensibilities.
• He knows how to capture her love, although it doesn’t mean he will succeed. But once she loves him, he knows little about how to keep it or her respect except by being himself in all his masculine glory. Once he conquers her, if he can’t be who he is, he’s virtually lost at being what she expects. (For example: He can’t do relationship management, especially as she visualizes the necessity.)

1542. Friendly Reminders — #23

• One’s attitude reflects what’s in their heart. In the battle of the sexes, rejection by an assertive lady merely means no score. Ridicule does not flow from it, so she gains value. Rejection aggressively expressed with a feminist flavor transmits ridicule. This ranks next to insignificance as a man’s greatest fear with a woman. It shifts him into fight mode to restore his dignity. Her value plummets.
• She decides when to yield. He hopes sooner, but the greater his investment of Self—shared emotions, time, effort, money—the greater her value to him.
• Hunks, jocks, and dreamy guys tend to be like this: Unconditional respect for the female gender is low or non-existent. He wasn’t expected in the teens to treat females respectfully, and so it’s not embedded in his psyche. Consequently, her personal qualities mean little other than her likeability for companionship. He tires of her easily, however, because the next hottie appears more exciting and companionable.
• As Emerson said: The world turns on hope. Her relationships always spin, plunge, and soar on hope. Virtual virginity shifts a man’s life from hope for sex to hope for her.
• A woman’s personal strategy of virtual virginity should not be disclosed to those that know her. It works much better as private commitment to Self and potential conquerors one-on-one.