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2079. The Battle over House Work — Part II: What They Do


Recap of part I: She’s born to be happy; he’s born to be satisfied. She’s motivated to improve her self-importance and needs confirmation from others to spread her gratefulness and thus earn—not receive or find—happiness. He’s motivated to seek self-admiration and basically needs little confirmation in order to be fully satisfied.

Each subconsciously pursues those objectives but with this distinction. Confirmation by her man that she is important is essential for her happiness. But his woman is not necessary for his satisfaction. Furthermore, she has to earn happiness 24/7 whereas he earns satisfaction every day through his decisions and accomplishments. Her pursuit is continuous, and his comes in daily spurts. At the end of his self-defined workday, he finds satisfaction with himself. Only nearing bedtime does she get a happy sense of gratefulness that she’s done all that she could or expected of herself and even that provides too little satisfaction.

Their primal needs intrude too. He needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare to fight tomorrow’s dragons. A satisfied need no longer motivates. At the end of his workday, he’s motivated by something else. His primal need kicks in for well-deserved rest and relaxation. His work day is done. (No alibi, just an inborn trait turned into deep-rooted habit before a mate comes along. Who but a man figures out so many variations of R&R?)

She, on the other hand, needs a brighter future. The foundation for it arises out of her primal drive to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. Nesting is home keeping of which housekeeping and everyday relationship management are parts.

Thus, a man’s work comes in daily spurts. A woman’s work ends when she feels she has done all she can at the time and place.

Her days turn sour when she thinks in masculine terms of satisfaction instead of feminine terms of gratefulness for who she is and what she has. IOW, she hates her days and herself when she adopts the male objective of stopping for less than essential-for-health R&R. Two reasons: 1) She’s satisfied with little achievements and not big ones. So, stopping when she’s satisfied dissatisfies her in the long run. She has too much to do. 2) Acting outside her nature angers her and she takes it out on her mate. She blames him for not relieving her workload, when, in fact, doing housework allows her to multitask and simultaneously resolve issues in her mind and plan for the future. IOW, by keeping her body active doing simple/redundant tasks, it frees her mind to concentrate on more important things. Example: What she expects to gain or how she will handle specific issues over the next few hours/day/weeks/months/years. It’s the reverse of worry, which comes mostly when her body is inactive.

Modern women have been politicized to expect equality in all things. Instead, God intended or Nature produced fairness as the rule for marital compatibility. Seeking equality in social and domestic arenas causes internal conflict in females and resistance in males. It’s their nature to respond that way.

The primal motivation of women is to improve their sense of self-importance. They feel more important when their mate more directly helps with house work. When he avoids it, her sense of importance declines. Her gratitude for him also declines. The inequality spurs her to blame him for her dissatisfaction and unhappiness. So, when she thinks they should share equally, she makes motivating him to help her more important than making herself grateful for him, her, and theirs. She blames and lathers guilt with a wet mop.

Her blame disturbs his primary motivation, the need for self-admiration. While he doesn’t need admiration from outside himself, blame energizes him to fight back in order not to lose it. His fighting back of course dims her future, diminishes her reasons to be grateful, and weakens her sense of importance. It makes harder her fight to prevent loss of female dignity.

When she thinks like a man and seeks satisfaction, it pits her against him. They compete. She becomes jealous of his beating her because satisfaction is not the governor of the female heart and he so easily trumps her in satisfaction. When she chases happiness instead of satisfaction as her daily goal, they become compatible.

In modern days, compatibility shrinks in large measure because women expect men to share housework duties. More coming in post 2080 but you won’t like the truth of it.

 

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2052. Submissive #09 — Dictators and Rule the Rooster


I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening between the sexes.

24. In a marriage moving along successfully, submission doesn’t haunt the wife. As the relationship kingpin, she knows how to integrate their respective strengths, minimize their respective weaknesses, and discretely pick the battles she will wage. Her submissive spirit moderates her husband’s dominance by weakening his need for it. [Guy adds: Her submissive spirit is the linchpin for encouraging him to put aside his competitive role-protection and enjoy the friendliness and encouragement that goes along with her hints, seed planting, and patience, aka her cooperative spirit. The more he goes along to get along with her prescriptions for home life, then the more he moves toward becoming Mr. Right. Right, ladies?

Unfortunately, if he morphs too much and she determines that he’s grown into Mr. Right too soon, then she loses interest in improving him. Enabled to quit trying, she grows bored. It contributes to the hurdle I call the 20-year ditch, either her of him or him of her. Ideally, she to herself declares him Mr. Right about the same time that security takes on a more awesome meaning to her. Improving him morphs into using him to brighten her future security. When does it happen? Who knows? But the more easily he slips into the spider web that enables her to actually dominate, the sooner she becomes bored. That is, with so much success, too few struggles, and too easy to get her way, then she seeks new challenges to reinforce her sense of self-importance. It prompts her to think outside the box (home).]

25. The successful wife recognizes that her husband’s primal urge to be head of the family far outweighs her need to rule the roost. So she aspires to rule the rooster mostly with him being unaware. [Guy adds: It’s caused mostly by her nature and is the offspring of her well-meaning submissive and cooperative spirits. However, some women will add deviousness to their efforts. Of course it brutalizes a woman’s sincerity. If husband detects insincerity or deviousness, her credibility and his respect plummet. Because trying to rule the rooster is natural to females, it’s acceptable to males when done honestly and sincerely. Deviousness and tricks merely waste effort and enlarge odds that she will lose in the long run.]

26. A vital part of the submissive spirit is letting husband discover and fix his own mistakes. If wife points them out directly, or harps about them, he goes into defensive mode that agitates his dominant nature. It amounts to her threatening or at least tinkering with his sense of significance. This pushes a man to seek submission on his terms and restore his significance. Her submissive spirit gets wasted in the aftermath. [Guy adds: Marital success depends on what she sees him do to, about, and for her. Also, why, how, and what he hears her say to, about, and for him. IOW, the starting point of marital judgments is his ears and her eyes, in both cases their secondary sensors. Examples: She sees his laziness and rings the bell to start the next round. Her endless chatter about things of no interest to him drives him to turn off his hearing long before he’s old enough to have and turn off his hearing aid.]

27. Marriages fail easily unless the CEO power struggle is resolved harmoniously. The ideal arrangement has spouses developing a working division of authority that makes both sides feel safe, comfortable, and confident about the other. Ideally, arranged in courtship, both agree to yield on matters over which the other has responsibility. But in the end, each has to yield cooperatively or disputes have a way of magnifying in both number and meanness. [Guy adds: It’s no easy matter to assign responsibility and authority to one spouse because marriage is a sharing experience. However, it’s still a sharing matter. When push comes to shove on some issue, one spouse has the upper hand. That is, the authority to render the final decision after sharing the issue with other spouse. For example: He rules the family; she rules the home. The ‘junior partner’ easily learns they will lose in the end, and so they only argue so long to get their way. It may not settle emotions of the moment, but animosities fade with time. Fading animosities re-open the door to harmony.]

28. Her husband’s game may be hard dictatorial rule. But God designed, nature endows, and hormones energize her to handle him successfully. So long as she cooperates with his nature rather than competes with his dictatorial manner. Her feminine nature guides her to this: 1) She can’t outplay so she must outsmart him. 2) If he liked himself, he wouldn’t be like he is, so she needs to help him like himself, and admiration works best and criticism works worst. 3) She exploits her feminine nature to confirm the wife’s role as pleasantly superior for generating household peace and that makes his dictatorial manner unnecessary. [Guy adds: I can’t add much. Women at birth inherit the relationship expertise to work themselves in, around, over, and under dictatorial rule in the home.]

More tomorrow about a wife’s eternal battle with her man’s expectations.

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2049. Submissive #07 — Submissive is More Honorable


I continue with the list of situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes. Let me know if the subject is beginning to drag. I have other subjects that I can intersperse. There’s probably 4-6 dailies left in the submissive series—re-titled out of respect for that female blessing endowed at birth.

Nearly synonymous, I often interchange dominance and submission. It depends on which term seems to best fit the situation but in most cases it means the same thing to the woman on the receiving end of typical male expectations.

14. Competition in marriage favors the primary leader—the husband. Cooperation favors the rest of the team—wife/mother and children. Sustaining her team successfully without challenging his role and self-prescribed authority generates peace in the home, which he expects her to deliver. [Guy adds: From such generated peace with husband not interfering, relationship experts generate harmony. It’s a natural urge and it brightens the female future.]

15. The mutual exchange of spouses pleasing each other, combined with going along to get along, smooths out stormy marital ripples. What is the best model to produce it? Women visualize this model, one head of the family leaves room for one neck to turn the head. There’s much to be said for it for three reasons: 1) It works pretty well as a strategic model and discourages wife from wandering deeply into husband’s domains. 2) It proclaims her role to be subordinate and submissive and thus sounds okay to husbands to talk and even joke about it. 3) It casts her in the role of indirect leader rather than trying to lead husband directly by challenging his authority. [Guy adds: Even that model can be improved upon. I’ve described it elsewhere as a family rank structure. It embellishes the influence of the neck and softens the head’s need for dominance. It’s too lengthy for here, but if you’d like to see it let me know. I’ll put it aside for a few days.]

16. During dating, courtship, and engagement, women lay the groundwork to win or lose in the marital power game. As the relationship expert, a very feminine female knows intuitively how to expect and handle a man’s sense of dominance and his expectation for her submission. Unfortunately, not all women listen to their hearts; for various reasons they automatically give in to their man’s expectations. [Guy adds: When women forget or forego living by what their heart tells them, they weaken their political power in the home. For example: She knows that she deserves to be treated respectfully—first as person, second as wife/girlfriend/fiancée, third as prospective mate. When she lets the first sign of disrespect pass without mention, she opens the gate. More will follow. His disrespect poisons their relationship. The only antidote is to squelch it unflinchingly at the first instance and until it stops. Do whatever it takes. Of course, if he doesn’t stop after just a couple instances, he’s nowhere near Mr. Good Enough. Evidence of disrespect means that his respect is insufficient to generate more than just a little love in his heart. So, turn him into Mr. Dumped, because he will never become her Mr. Right even after decades of marriage.]

17. Each woman knows to compete to prevent conquest before she is ready for it. However, she isn’t aware of one part of the male nature. Her discouragement of his initiative wins his respect, which is the foundation of his love. After conquest, however, competing with him weakens her likeability, the very thing he expects to keep him in pursuit. [Guy adds: Directly resisting his dominance is to challenge him. He expects and accepts it before but not after conquest. Unfortunately, women have indirect ways of resisting submission after conquest, but it sours their own attitude and weakens their likeability.]

18. Her boyfriend’s dominant attitude is offensive, domineering, and borderline unacceptable. Red flags wave. What to do? She needs a boyfriend or potential groom. She may be desperate! This one may be her last chance! There have been so few possible candidates lately! What to do? [Guy adds: If she cannot stand to be that dominated before marriage, why should she expect him to be anything but worse after marriage? Men don’t change to please their woman except before conquest, and even that can be faked.]

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

 

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2048. Submission #06 — Courtship Alert


Out-shined yesterday by the article by My Husband’s Wife’s (at 2047), I nevertheless boost my spirits and continue with this series. As easily concluded from MHW, submission is merely a tradeoff for harmonizing a relationship. Men may demand it exclusively, but that makes it no more right that they are right about everything else. But women have to teach them the difference between submission and submissive, competition and cooperation, discord and harmony. Leadership by example is always the best teacher. It means the relationship expert must submit at times in order to teach her man to recognize, respect, and hopefully submit to her ways in domains for which she is responsible.

I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes.

9. This should be on her premarital checklist. Whether she and he are Christians or Bible believers or not, she can still ferret out some answers or spot red flags. She explores and discusses how each feels about each other relative to these passages and their present and future relationship: Ephesians 5:22-33. From what he says but mostly what he does, she should be able to determine—over a lengthy courtship—much about his worth to her.

10.With no CEO, families flounder from lack of leadership. With one CEO, they can thrive on effective leadership. Two CEOs invariably disagree, dispute, or fight over leadership issues and confuse each other and the kids. More importantly, spouses too easily succumb to blaming each other when things do not turn out as agreeably planned, expected, or predicted. Finger pointing both cripples leadership and injects sour notes into family harmony. The most acceptable and effective assigning of blame is the finger that points inward by the person responsible. (You can’t blame someone if they’re not clearly responsible and endowed with sufficient authority to do what they should. Also, they lack sufficient authority if their decisions are questioned or criticized. That is, their spouse fails to submit.)

11. People have to submit all the time. Children to parents. Parents to God. Employees to boss. In effect, submission is a natural function of any authority relationship. Authority exists to provide the essential influence in one’s domain to fulfill their responsibility. By clearing up lines of responsibility ahead of time between man and wife, authority becomes clearer. Submission of one to the other in the domains for which they are responsible can lead to reciprocity and freedom from debate, resistance, and resentment. Examples: 1) Mother is chief child-raiser, nurturer, and disciplinarian. Father is her main provider/protector, supporter, and backup in her domains. 2) His domain is the home as chief executive officer. Her domain is how everyone will live in it as she is the chief operating officer. When push comes to shove, each submits to the other’s decisions in their domains. (Advice to wives: Always indirectly, in various ways keep impressing husband with this thought. When you make his castle in your home, he loves it. But don’t tell him that when he makes his castle in your nest, you can’t live with it. Caution: If you make it your castle, he may not stay around very long.)

12. Aggressively or too assertively playing the power struggle game is dangerous to a marriage. Eventually destructive forces lead to split up. Without each spouse having a submissive spirit in the other’s domains, constant turf battles ensue. Prevention being better than cure, distinctly different domains for which each is responsible and has authority to control it helps clear the air for who submits on what issues. For example: Wife determines menus for home meals. Husband determines where they eat out. Although unstated, both yield in the other’s domain to encourage rather than expect that each please the other. IOW, mutual acceptance of domain assignments generates cooperation. Avoiding competitive situations helps prevent disagreement and stifle resentment.

13. The natural form of marriage works as a power game with a husband presuming himself to be on offense and wife on defense. Her best defense is to not lose whatever influence she has, which challenges her to fight back, which happens frequently in the early years of a marriage. If she loses her influential ability, it neutralizes her interest and de-energizes her spirit to cooperate. Her second best defense is to gain greater influence, which comes through patience, indirectness, and submission as appropriate for peaceful negotiation.

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

——

NOTE: When I return to complete the Female Blessings at Birth series, I will be adding #91 phrased around this thought: Just as females are sex objects for men, men are romance objects for women. Without recognizing it, you’ve carried the conviction since birth.

 

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2046. Submission #04 — From Discord to Harmony


Submission is founded on male self-serving biblical interpretations and expectations of male dominance. The harmonized married life starts with this simple cause-and-effect loop. Wife uses her submissive spirit to calm husband’s desire that she always submit, which weakens his need to use dominance to get his way, which makes her indirectly more influential, which further reduces his insistence on her submission, which enables him to let his dominance fade in favor of cooperating more with her, which enables her to continue moving around the loop until their decision-making process is sufficiently harmonized.

The numbered situations and pointers continue below. They provide a keener understanding of how such things work to wife’s advantage and to enhance husband’s ability to work as a team and appreciate her as a more valuable partner.

4. Submission is what men think they expect, which doesn’t mean they know what they want. It is a manly argument that men use to win their point, to act and appear dominant, to defend their seemingly invaluable role as provider-protector. They take the simple and easy approach. Submission is biblical and sounds natural and is therefore used as a male expectation. Women are far more detailed and precise in what they expect out of men, themselves, and a teamed-up couple.

5. Men expect female submission because it prevents challenges to the manly role of provider-protector, the man upon whom others depend. However, he’s the man upon whom also falls shortcomings in effectiveness. When women arbitrarily submit unto their husband—at his insistence rather than their own preference—they forgo their influential position and, incidentally, lose some of their man’s respect.

6. If men do not have to defend or prove themselves, they can be amenable and much less inclined to seek or require submission. Guess, who is most likely to prompt men to want to defend or prove themselves?

7. Women are foolish if they accept submission as men demand and claim it as privilege or natural right. Your best strategy is to ignore the subject in all its shades and even descriptions from the pulpit. Refuse to accept what you hear and don’t talk about it. Don’t get honked at what the pastor says and take it home. First, involving yourself in the subject does not advance your agenda. Second, it has the effect as getting in husband’s face, which puts him in competitive mode to defend his faux or real beliefs. In the final analysis, submission is not relevant to your future life anyway, so why accept it? Your in-born submissive and cooperative spirits, when used wisely, can neutralize husband’s dominance. Calm his insistence on submission, and you can subdue his dominance.

8. Some men are more controlling and domineering and expect more submission than others. They are easy to detect. When dating she watches. During courtship she explores. When engaged she validates. When married she works—very indirectly and patiently—to change it. All the time she dances around and watches for red flags. The greater his support that women submit, the greater her workload will be to convince him otherwise both before and after marriage, but that is another talent she inherits at birth.

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

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2045. Submission #03 — A Brighter Future Awaits


As shown earlier, logic and reason so favored by men actually turns the dark days of “You shall submit” into a greater day of “If it pleases me I will.” The real world takes on quite a different hue when wives are freer to harmonize their relationships. The numbered situations described below provide a deeper understanding of the problems wives may encounter trying to figure out how to make their submissive nature work to brighten their husband’s submission-expected future.

Remember that this entire series is framed within the primal nature of men and women without considering their personal situation or connections. Women have to figure out their situation from principles they can use.

The situations that follow make women aware of the multitude of challenges that can develop. Each requires her attention. No condition ever stands alone in a relationship. However minutely, each spouse has an interest in what the other thinks and does. For every right decision, there is another person who can and might judge it differently. Mistakes are ubiquitous because someone does something and the other calls it wrong, often without thinking. Therefore, in most of the following situations, recovery is possible for women and not an issue for management by men. Locked narrow-mindedly into the concept of ‘submission’, men philosophically have little or no talent for relationship management. Women, however, have the in-born adaptability to bond multiple home voices and conduct them harmoniously.

And you say, ‘but a good alpha male knows how to provide the leadership that leads to harmony’. And I say, don’t believe it. Alpha-determined leadership does not make harmony with the leader’s spouse involved. It just slows her except when he accedes to her silent, unobtrusive, unchallenging, indirect, but respectful leadership. OTOH, it can stop her breathing harmony into their home.

Women shine when they are fully aware of their situation. It keeps them focused on doing a harmonizing job and works best when their husband has been conditioned to listen.

  1. Major differences exist between these two terms. Submission is energized by competitive intent, the man’s staked-out side of life. “I’m the boss.” Submissiveness is energized by her cooperative spirit. “Us comes before you and me” is part of a woman’s life until she is driven away from it or learned otherwise earlier in life.
  2. Men expect female submission, but the female nature dodges it. Women expect to employ their natural submissive spirit to do what they think is best. When disagreements turn into competition, husband intends to dominate. When wife smoothes competition into cooperation that doesn’t offend his masculine prerogatives, husband goes along to get along. It takes awhile for men to learn it, but if they want their castle to resound with harmony, they must pay more attention to her. Otherwise harmony among multiple personalities will not prevail under the males’ hard-hearted leadership.
  3. Women live by and foster submissiveness, when they like themselves as female, their man as a mate, and their relationship for permanency. It helps capture a man, hold him, and prove that women don’t play the male game of competition but are very willing to play the far more harmonizing female game of cooperation.

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

 

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2015. Female Blessings at Birth — 19-21


It’s the seventh group and I’m grateful for whatever feedback you send.

I continue taking the (currently 85) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination.

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or something you learned during life.

Where “Guy adds,” I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge my assumptions.

19. I’m grateful that I have the ultimate ‘out’. I can seek God’s forgiveness to relieve my self-blame and guilt. It’s up to me to believe—first in God, second in His intention—that I’m forgiven and free to forget an incident or fault. [Guy adds: Born soft-hearted and taught to be tender-hearted, excess guilt hardens the female heart. Forgiveness relieves such guilt except when she lacks belief in God or faith in His forgiveness. Or, she refuses such forgiveness as undeserved, which just explains shortage of belief, faith, or both.]
20. I’m grateful to realize that morality and religion are essential and I can use them to brighten my future. Both serve us women in the process of civilizing boys, taming men, and domesticating husbands. [Guy adds: Men lack the natural interest that women have for morality and female-friendly religion. However, in order to live up to the expectations of mothers and mates, men adopt and use both. As women go so goes society; as morality and Western religions are promoted and popularized, so goes female-friendliness.]
21. I’m grateful to be in charge of my home. I accept responsibility for both a civil and well-disciplined household. Husband participates and backs me up when I need greater authority, which is almost never necessary as long as I do my best. (And anyway, when he’s invited to help, he goes too far or takes over.) [Guy adds: Husband provides the head and wife the heart of the home. The attitudes of family members flow out of the family heart and reflect her effectiveness. Blaming husband for dissatisfaction invites him to direct her efforts.]

Example for responses: “21-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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