13. Is commitment enough?


Commitment comes in words and depends on faith by the listener. Devotion can be seen in actions that make both words and faith unnecessary.

Commitment confirms one’s intentions about the future, which may only be what the listener wants to hear.

Commitments fall apart easily, but devotion is often killed by the receiver of it.

Inspired by politics, Feminism, and the popularity of harshly judging men, modern wives run a tab on husband’s inadequacies, weaknesses, and failures. She pays the price as her self-fulfilling prophecy fulfills to kill his commitment or weaken his devotion.

Women seek commitment with a man, even as they turn away another man devoted to them. In short, women want a man that turns them on early in life, but later they want something else. They marry, divorce, and finally end up with a high school chum that used to adore or even worship them.

Life 101 teaches young girls how to discriminate between the respect, value, and expectations of real life commitment and devotion. But, modern girls cut class.

 

10 Comments

Filed under courtship, Uncategorized

10 responses to “13. Is commitment enough?

  1. anonymous

    I used to date guys that “turned me on”…until I started reading this blog almost two years ago. Then I decided to date someone who was my good friend, who I knew would treat me well, and who has good values. He is certainly a great boyfriend but I don’t feel any passion for him. Everyone, even my own mother, tells me “he’s a great guy but you don’t love him, it’s not going to last”. I wonder if it’s the right decision to elevate husbandly potential over “passion”. Do you think I am being too mechanical/shallow judging him on his ability to provide me with a good future and be a good mate rather than my desire for him?

    Your Highness Anonymous,

    Perhaps you’re being too mechanical about the blog. You may be doing what you read here instead of integrating new knowledge into your own persona.

    You’ve commented many times and I saw evidence of the following months ago. You don’t feel any passion or ‘turned on’ for one simple reason: You don’t act out those feelings so they have not developed. You treat him as a good friend and, consequently, it convinces you that he’s a good friend. He treats you with love and tenderness and, consequently, it convinces him that he loves you. But his actions don’t take you beyond your feelings of friendship. You reciprocate but only as a friend.

    There are good reasons. How he treats you doesn’t shape your feelings. How you treat him shapes your feelings. We love someone because of what we do for them and not what they do for us. It’s especially true and much more emphatic for women than men.

    If you want to love him, act like it. Your feelings will follow your actions. If you initiate loving tenderness, gifting, cooking for him, and otherwise devoting your life to actions that endorse him as important in your life, love will likely follow. It may not be passionate enough to marry, but it will be a good foundation to determine if mutual enduring love is possible.

    There are no guarantees, but if you can’t show him such devotion, it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll never find passion with him.

    Guy

    • Anon, I just recently read of a story of just such an enduring marriage. The couple were over 100 years old and I think they married in their 20s, so were married 70-80 years. What was the basis of their marriage? I can’t remember what he said, but she said something like, “He wasn’t so good-looking or anything, but he treated me well and I knew he wouldn’t beat me, and I figured we could be happy together.” She certainly wasn’t brimming with passion for him, but perhaps in choosing more “mechanically” she chose a more enduring basis for marriage. If you build/base your marriage on passion, which does not and cannot last, are you really building as solid a marriage as if you are basing your marriage on something more substantial? Food for thought…

    • gonemaverick

      anonymous,

      do u like him ‘like that’? you know… heart pumps chocolate? go weak at the knees when you see him? coz if not, no matter how well he treats you, are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with a man you can’t stand touching you?

      as Sir Guy wisely advices, ‘integrate the knowledge on this blog into your own persona.’ if ‘dating guys that turn you on’ is your thing (it is mine) stick to that and use Sir Guy’s wisdom to attract, capture and hold.

    • anonymous

      @Guy: Yes, he actually complains I only treat him like a friend. A few months ago (after reading your response to that question) I started acting more loving toward him, and I did start to like him more, but not enough. So I guess I will step it up with the loving actions. Thanks 🙂

      @Kathy: That’s the kind of story that makes me want to stay with him. I always think of my grandparents (who married because they were a good match for each other, no passion involved) and stayed married for 50 years until my grandfather died. The thing I question is how happy they were. My mom tells me stories of them fighting etc…. But what that lady said is word for word what I think about my boyfriend. Are you married/ if so is that how you chose your husband?

      @Elle and gonemav: No heart pumping chocolate haha…but it’s not so much that I can’t stand him touching me. If the type of men who turn me on would make good husbands I would definitely do that. However, the guys I used to be turned on by (not anymore however, since I refuse to think about such men since they are a waste of my time) were players/ guys who did not treat me well, and I don’t want that for the father of my children, ya know? But thank you though!

      Your Highness Anonymous,
      In the middle you say, “I question how happy they were.” I’m talking Nature and providing and protecting more than romance, but a better question might be, How grateful was she for having him? Happiness lies there more than anywhere else.
      Guy

      • Throughout much perhaps even most of recorded human history, marriages were based very little on what our modern generation defines as “romantic love”. Arranged marriages have been very common in the past, and are still common in many cultures today. While I enjoy the romance and romantic spark that my husband and I have (and had while we were dating), I often wonder if our society and culture has gotten so much of the wrong view of marriage and male-female relationships, that we are selling ourselves short. We focus on “romantic love” and “one true love” as some ideal, rather than on character qualities and long-term shared goals. This is exemplified by today’s “no fault” divorces.

        People “fall in love” and get married, have problems that are common whenever any two people live together for any length of time, the romantic spark and passion fades (also very normal), and instead of wondering what happened to change their relationship and working on changing that, they jump to the wrong conclusion that they must have just married the wrong guy/gal, and if they find someone new, they’ll live happily ever after. But that’s not accurate, because in the new relationship, they will likely have most if not all of the same problems, since at least one of the people in the relationship is the same, and carries with him/her not only his/her own pre-marriage baggage, but his/her marriage and post-marriage baggage as well! In the old days, they would have been forced (for their own good, most of the time) to work through their problems, instead of just abandoning the marriage.

        In my early 20s, I went to a “courtship” weekend, in which we young folks were admonished to think of the character qualities we wanted our future spouses to have, and also what defects were “deal-breakers” (for me, that would have included smoking as an example, because I cannot stand that habit). We were encouraged to choose in a future mate (and develop in ourselves) those traits that were spoken of highly in the Bible. Even though I had already met my to-be husband (and I will admit I was instantly deeply attracted to him, not based solely on his looks, but also his personality, and how easy it was for us to talk to each other; one cannot always “instantly” learn of a person’s character qualities or failures, so that took time to discover), I attempted as best I could to judge him based on these character qualities, rather than just on my level of attraction for him. So, while I don’t claim perfection in this — far from it, because I can now see many things that should have been discussed and/or changed prior to our getting married — I did at least attempt to base my marriage on enduring qualities and choose someone with good character, rather than just someone I was physically attracted to.

        In a lot of ways, love is action and as such, is a choice. We can choose to act in a loving manner towards someone, even if we don’t have the “warm and fuzzy” feelings about that person. And I can attest to what Sir Guy has said: there is a deepening of feeling, a greater sense of love and attraction, when you do nice things for others.

        • anonymous

          Kathy,
          I’m glad to hear you can attest to the deepening of love through actions. And I completely agree about this “We focus on “romantic love” and “one true love” as some ideal, rather than on character qualities and long-term shared goals. This is exemplified by today’s “no fault” divorces”. Thanks for your advice, I always appreciate a wiser woman’s words!

      • anonymous

        Mmmm yes, good point Guy. My grandmother was always quite the pessimist, and grandfather always cranky. Of course how can they be happy together when all they see is the bad.

    • catnip

      This reply is exceptionally worded your most Gracious Guy. Just wondering, does the tenet “your feelings will follow you actions” also apply to the opposite?
      I am deeply in the throes of passion of a man I am suspecting is not really compatible with me. I am so in love with him, almost in a juvenile sense, but I know stopping it will only make it worse…

      Your Highness Catnip,
      Yes, a man’s feelings follow his actions. Before conquest it happens much more easily and reliably. After conquest it takes much longer because he’s not as interested in doing things differently. IOW, he’s much more resistant to change, so his actions don’t change much.
      Guy

      • catnip

        Gracious Guy, thank you for the prompt reply. I wasn’t referring to the opposite sex, but to the opposite feeling. If one can create an impetus for love through actions, will it also be feasible in stopping love?

        I am terribly in love with a guy who I highly doubt would make a good lifetime partner. However, all the feel-good hormones generated from the fallacies of my heart is not really helping my mind to rule over. What can I do or not do to just stop being always romantically inclined to this species without having to feel so wretched, robbed, sleepless and torn apart? The more i stop the feeling, the more it persists, as love always goes…

        Your Highness Catnip,
        Sure. If you repeatedly act like you dislike someone, affectionate feelings will fade and turn toward dislike.
        Guy

  2. elle

    It is possible to find a man who turns you on, and has the other qualities needed to be a good husband. Why settle?

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