42. Escaping Loneliness in Church


Women: This is not advice, but another model to understand male thinking.

Recruit Mr. Right at a big church. Go weekly and arrive before everyone else. Seek isolation and sit out in the open. (If others join you, they hide the mystery or your isolation.) Select the pew so you can be easily approached without someone having to sit with you.

Go alone, as a girlfriend will detract from you. Groom and dress neatly and modestly, very pretty and very feminine. You may want to invest in a make over, if your luck recently has not been good. Be predictable, pleasant, patient, and a study for others, while you study your bible. Keep doing it weekly, same service, same attractiveness, same pleasantness.

When approached, do not act eager but polite with just a hint of ‘vague and unavailable’. Your being alone works to a man’s strength and advantage. Women alone need rescue, so a man will assume your loneliness signals need for him. Also, if he is to be rejected, he wants no witnesses.

Men or the mothers of unattached men will find you. One may be worth keeping. Or, some man may invite you to a singles class or other church function by way of a ‘half-date’. This would be much better than showing up at such places as your desperate self or at the invitation of another female.

The purpose of this scenario is to meet men better grounded in respect for the female gender than those you’ll meet bar hopping. It guarantees nothing, but it signals to men that you think for yourself, will not be easily conquered, and may be ideal for a wife. Thus, you start off in charge of any relationship that develops.  

22 Comments

Filed under courtship, Uncategorized

22 responses to “42. Escaping Loneliness in Church

  1. Miss Dawn

    I would pay a years wages to learn how to do “vauge and unavailable”

    Miss Dawn,
    I’ll get back to you later on this one.
    P.S. update: Search CONTENTS page for HardToGet series to see the answer.
    Guy

  2. easybreezy

    Funny you mention recruit Mr. Right at a big church. My ((Big)) church has done several sermons on dating. Apparently about 80% +/- of the attendees of the young adult ministry (1500 people +) are single. No one is asking out anyone.

  3. Stacy

    Easybreezy,

    What is the culture of your big church? Are there “meddling marrieds” there? Marrieds, particularly female marrieds, are pursuit-killers of single men. Essentially, they’re trying to “chase” a single guy into chasing a single female. It backfires, just as a woman chasing a guy backfires. In fact, it’s worse…not only is the guy *being* chased, but now he’s got this nagging “mom figure” (or “Dad figure”) trying to tell him what to do with his *own* romantic life.

    Even worse, more worser (lol!), said single guy might assume that *you* asked the meddling married to inquire about his dating/romance status. So now it seems like you’re doing the chasing too, even if you DIDN’T ask the married to do so! Eek!

    I only mention this stuff *because* you mentioned that there have been sermons done on dating in your church. As a result of my work a couple years ago (book purchaser for a divinity school library), I handled a nice book about single women and their experiences in the church (e.g. dating, treatment by marrieds in the church, restricted ability to serve on *certain* committees, etc.). It’s called “Single Women: Challenge to the Church?” by Kristin Aune. It’s focused on Christian churches, but the overall message can apply to any religious center and the experience of singles there. Some nice perspectives and reflections.

    A few particularly good religious-based books I also saw were “The 10 Commandments of Dating,” “Boundaries in Dating,” and, though it’s essentially a Gray “Mars/Venus” type book, it’s still good, “Single Men are like Waffles, Single Women are like Spaghetti.”

    I know, I know, you’re like “Stacy, I didn’t ask for a reading list,” BUT…they’re good reads. Single Women & Boundaries are *really* good books. :>

    Single men in a church are acutely aware of their status, which makes them maybe even more sensitive to women there who reek of desperation, frantic husband-hunting and who do “subtle” aggressive approaches. Church guys aren’t interested in filling in a woman’s “husband” slot, just a non-church guys aren’t. They want to be wanted for who and what they are.

    Be different! Get busy. Get gorgeous. Get busy and gorgeous in your work with and for G-d. You’ll stand out compared to the other women in your church!

    ps-Don’t feel guilty about standing out!

  4. Stacy

    Everything Guy suggests in this post are on point! Hmmm… the only thing I would change is you can be “alone” but don’t appear “lonely.” ;>

  5. easybreezy

    The culture at my church is pretty cutting edge, trendy, contemporary, very creative, semi-urban, etc etc. My experience at many churches is that many many men expect the women to do the pursuing, or at least respond to minimal effort, and don’t bother or see the need to express their interest in a clear and open way. They can get away with this because, as you say, they know their status (women generally in the church outnumber them-although less so at mine- it’s FULL of men-they can date several girls at once, and they know we are just waiting for the Christian guy- often refusing to date outside our faith). But this is also generally true outside the church as well (except for non-American men).

    The latest sermon, at the end the pastor expressed strong heartfelt concern and empathy for the women in particular who have to sit around and wait for a guy to step up (because they strongly discourage pursuing men)…and acknowledged that some of us women may never marry-despite that there have been “man up” conferences which I’m not sure how effective they have been vis-a-vis the church dating scene.
    This is such a different tone from previous dating sermon series I have heard at this and other churches where the emphasis was mainly on purity and the assumption was that if you date chastely, you will all end up happily ever after.

  6. easybreezy

    ps- thanks for the books suggestions! I have read the Boundaries one.

  7. Stacy

    Easybreezy,

    I know it sounds crazy, but–and I don’t know your denomination–is there a church you can visit that’s the same denomination? You can never get too much church! j/k Hah hah! But, really though…One nearby that you can go to for a Sunday service as a visitor?

    I remember when I was younger, a lot of girls that went to the McChurch’s in my hometown would regularly visit nearby smaller ones. Created a buzz around them as visitors and ultimately they’d be asked out by guys at *that* church, rather than their home church (she has mystery and he can ask her out without week after week of repercussions in the event that she says “no” or that things don’t work out).

    After a bit of dating (and the guy attending stuff at her church as well her attending stuff at his), many of them got married.

    ps-I like the Boundaries book. I really like how the authors challenge Harris’ work and present a balanced angle on working on yourself and your faith and how that relates to your dating behaviors and your date-ableness.

  8. easybreezy

    Stacy-

    I used to go to smaller ones also. No luck there. At one church it took a whole year for one guy to ask me out- he admitted that, and I could not stand his personality! I got looks from the men, but nothing further. (could be racial issues??? look but dont touch). But I should visit more churches. I think the problem is no one is interested in going through the hassles of dating. I know I am not. I’d rather travel. The culture is too screwed up and no one female or male can handle the burdens. There is no “safe” way to do it.

    Either way I do volunteer stuff at the big church and do activities (some of which are mostly men) in smaller groups. At the sermon this past weekend, the ((single)) pastor urged the men publically to ask the women out…stop the lame texting, emailing, and vague are we haning out or dating stuff, etc etc, and then urged the females not to think this guy is going to marry them just because he asked them out. LOL The woman next to me as she was walking out of the pew after the sermon laughed and said “nothing’s gonna change.” LOLOL

  9. seekingtruelove

    Dear Guy,
    Where can we find the answer to Miss Dawn’s query about how to be “vague and unavailable”?

    Your Preciousness Seekingtruelove,
    Look in the CONTENTS page for the series titled “HardToGet.” Best wishes.
    Guy

  10. kimmy

    The only thing grossly wrong with this article is the ending. You cannot go from alone and “trolling” whether you do it on the street in a bar or in church, to being in charge of a relationship. Sorry but that is the basic problem…trying to be in charge of the relationship…as long as you have that view you will always be miserable because you have fallen into the same femisit trap as the line you can have it all career and family.

    Your Highness Kimmy,

    Welcome aboard. Glad to have you with us.

    You read too much into this phrase: “being in charge of a relationship.” You’ll find the following theme permeates this blog: Women are the relationship experts, relative to men that is, and experts always find a way to be in charge to their satisfaction. Specifically, women do it by keeping themselves in charge of themselves.

    You’ll also find this theme throughout the blog: Men do whatever women require to have frequent and convenient access to sex. If women require marriage, then men marry. It certainly puts women in charge, if they but use it.

    Guy

  11. kaikou

    What other places do you recommend? I am currently looking for a (new) church to suit my outlook. I am interested to know what places are great places to meet men outside of church though.

  12. nivritopothik

    that is pretence. people worship for own belief & peace of mind. your idea is right as i would prefer lonliness for avoiding disturbance but strongly disagree with the intension.

    Your Highness Nivritopothik,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy

  13. Krysie869

    Are you saying in this article that if a man approaches a woman if she is alone, he has more honorable character? I am assuming you recommend women should be alone if trying to attract men. For me, it seems men stare at me more when I am alone.

    Secondly, what does it mean if a man says or waves “hello” to two women often but when he approaches to start conversation only looks at one if they are both together? I see this sometimes. Does this mean he is interested in one woman more than the other and waves hello to the other woman so that she is more comfortable around him so that if his first choice rejects him, he might get the other girl he might be interested in? I don’t know if men think that way, just a guess.

    Your Highness Krysie869,

    Re first paragraph: Not at all. He’s maybe more honorable when found in church. Aloneness in church is an invitation to meet and associate with fewest distractions. If men stare, you don’t. Use patience and let them have the freedom to decide how brave they are or uninteresting you are at the time.

    Re second paragraph: It means he’s impolite and has no care for what others think of his manners. It could mean that he focuses on the one with whom he’s more comfortable. Doubtful he would move to the second one if the first rejects him.

    Guy

    • Krysie869

      Thank you Sir Guy! I wasn’t expecting the answers, especially the second paragraph! Although I kind of suspected that such men lack manners since the other women feels ignored. I am guessing that the ignored woman should not give him a chance to be Mr. Good Enough even though he stares at both. Do you recommend hinting indirectly that she has been offended or should she ignore him from now on?

      Your Highness Krysie869,
      Anytime she’s offended she should let it be known. When indirectly doesn’t work, shift into direct mode. Men never learn until they are told.
      Guy

  14. That Horse Is Dead

    Sir Guy,
    I wanted to share how true this scenario really is. I’ve been doing my best to sit alone since following your blog (at least a couple years now) in the same spot consistently. The pew may vary by a few rows, but it’s always in the same section of the church. Always alone unless my children are with me. I’ve had Sunday school friends invite me to sit with them and I politely refuse. I notice single men (sometimes with their kids) pop in and out of range like clockwork. And it’s always the same men. One time I giggled because there were five men (without a spouse) sitting around me. Sometimes they are brave enough to sit next to me, but usually behind or in front. One commented how he loved “the way I worshiped” — obviously he’s been watching. Two weeks ago, a man from across the room came over during the meet-and-greet time to say hello. His comment, “You always sit in the same place, week after week…so I thought I should say hello!” Then I ran into him at a recent Christmas party and he made the exact same comment, “She always sits in the same place.” A heartfelt thank you for your wisdom with this blog:) I’m still awaiting Mr. Good Enough as I read my Bible alone in the pew.

    Your Highness That Horse is Dead,
    Enjoy yourself and patience, darling. It’s one of a woman’s greatest qualities.
    Guy

  15. surfercajun

    That Horse Is Dead…. I read an article not long ago that one of the top ten things men look other than you bu** is that she has a book….any book… which makes her fascinating.

  16. surfercajun

    Here is the article, of course with Guy’s blessings. 🙂 http://thei535project.wordpress.com/2014/11/18/10-things-more-attractive-than-the-booty-that-cracked-the-internet/

    Your Highness Surfercajun,
    I can agree with it all. Personally I prefer spikes to boots.
    Guy

  17. Man

    I look at it like this. It is not that men pick up women it is women who arrange to be picked up by a man. Men are visual creatures. The first thing a woman needs to do is to dress in a way to attract attention. I know that of course that you will be thinking that other women will be thinking “she is just trying to attract attention”. That is absolutely true. Live with it. Don’t over think it. Don’t fight it. Don’t worry what you think they are thinking. Some of them will be thinking “go girl”.

    The next thing I would say is that men are probably more scared than you. They are pussies. I think I read earlier that no one is doing the asking out any more. It is entirely possible that the man in question is too scared to ask you out. Personally I would say it is OK for you to start the conversation and also OK for you to make an invitation.

    Finally on the topic of sex. Men are driven by it. Use that but remember once they have gotten sex they are moving on in their mind anyway. You should flirt, tease, lead em on. But no sex. Ever!. Well until you are married and then remember back to before marriage how devoted and drawn to you he was and he wasn’t getting sex then. But he was getting attention. The danger once you get married is that you give him unlimited sex and no attention and it does not take long for him to realise that conquest is over. So once married go for lots of tease and attention and then occasionally when he has been very very very good then sex. And make it rock baby.

    Sir Man,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another man joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy

    • tink

      and then occasionally when he has been very very very good then sex.

      Sir Man,
      Funny that you should make that statement today…I was thinking on it just yesterday…. My FW book talks about sex being a reward. I was unsure if I agreed with that statement, but you changed my mind. I tend to have a lapse in judgement that men bond emotionally and mentally. Your last sentence however, made me giggle and smile.

  18. Magnolia

    Sir Guy, I couldn’t believe it, but this actually happened to me yesterday! It was funny.

    I moved to this town two years ago and started looking for a church. I still remember when I first read this article (after the move). It resonated with me. I usually go to the same service and sit in the same seat, by myself. And wouldn’t you know it? A lady whom I always greet but have never spoken to sat next to me and started asking questions! She asked whether I am single. Said that she’d like for me to meet her nephew, that I’m so pretty, that she always sees me alone at church, and that he’s always alone as well, and that she hopes that I don’t take it the wrong way. She asked for my phone number. This was a few minutes before the service started. I said “No problem” and gave her my number. When the service started all I could think was you and couldn’t help but smile! Even now I can’t help but to laugh. I wasn’t expecting that at all! I knew she was up to something when she asked if I am single for the second time. Lol!

    Note: At the moment I am dating around and meeting men. Although there is a very nice man who I just wrote about on the comments of post 2129– “Avoid Being Dumped”, he and I are not in a full-blown relationship (but he is stepping up nicely!), so I am keeping my options open and looking to choose the best one, (yeah, let the best man win!) as nature intended, as women should, and as you suggest we do, Sir Guy.

    Oh, and it doesn’t matter if this guy and I get to meet or if anything comes out of it. I just wanted to show that your words of wisdom are true and that what you suggest we do works! Seeing me there by myself every week as you mentioned made this lady think about me with her nephew. Thanks again for all you do for us! 🙂

    Your Highness Magnolia,
    Thanks for confirming one of my favorite strategies for women and men too.
    Guy

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