108. Chaste courtship works—Part 3


NOTE: Thanks to Suzanne for triggering this post. She put a big smile on my face, and I love it when pretty women do that. Guy

Relationships start with attraction, infatuation, and lust; fold into passion and love; and level off as enduring mutual love. Or, so women hope.

The rules for success are many, but wrongs trump rules, Nature trumps Love, and men trump women that don’t know how to make men successful at husbanding and fathering.

For successful living with a man, women as the relationship expert need to overcome the innumerable devils in the details. For example:

  • Men don’t take orders from women. It weakens his sense of significance. Women are much more effective conveying their expectations some other way, more indirectly.
  • Women must qualify their man for marriage; condition him to accept her values, standards, and expectations; and expect never to change him after their first sex together.
  • Man of the House, Head of the House, Home CEO, or whatever you call it, women indirectly govern the home unless she sided with the wrong man. It takes a long courtship to decide correctly.
  • It’s her nest to build into a castle. But then, he expects comfort and convenience over her perfectionism, functionality over her style and fashion, and at least the appearance if not the actuality of him as boss. 
  • Men respond to women eventually, but not immediately, directly, or openly. They need time and latitude to make his meeting her expectations look like something else—even his idea. Men can afford to be impatient, but their woman cannot. Patience is an immensely great female virtue for marriage.
  • Men treat women as females teach them, mostly earlier in life. Mothers sometimes fail, girls stupidly don’t condition boys to respect females, and single women provide sex before they earn a man’s respect by not providing it. Hence, some men mistreat women.

People don’t mistreat those they respect. That’s why a long courtship helps qualify a man as having had a good upbringing and as having developed potential for treating her well.

17 Comments

Filed under courtship, Uncategorized

17 responses to “108. Chaste courtship works—Part 3

  1. Miss Dawn

    “Men don’t take orders from women. It weakens his sense of significance. Women are much more effective conveying their expectations some other way, more indirectly. ”

    I would never give a man an order, but by the same token if one is too indirect it becomes manipulation…… *sigh*

  2. Kaikou

    Sir Guy the Chaste Courtship series part 4 through 7 are not coming up. Were they deleted or do I need password access. I am very interested in courtship as of late. Would love to read more! 🙂

    Your Highness Kaikou,
    Try again. Search by the number rather than hot link from CONTENTS. They’re still posted.
    Guy

    • Kaikou

      I realize now that a lot of the early post have been deleted. 🙂

      Your Highness Kaikou,
      Not so. Search by post number and pass up those that appear above the one you want.
      Guy

  3. How does a woman “indirectly influence her man” Could you provide some candid examples? I love reading your blog, I’m a single lady preparing for a godly marriage with her king and want to get all the information and knowledge I need to make it work. I’ve learnt so many priniciples including staying pretty, being feminine, virtual virginity and playing hard to get. Thanks for all you do

    Your Highness Duchessinwaiting,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    You want to influence your man, to have your way? First, start by making everything seem in perfect order. Everyday to max achievable, you smile as much as possible, which convinces him that he is okay. You don’t complain, which convinces him that you are okay too. His duty and job performance must be satisfactory. Now, he’s ready to pay attention to whatever you bring up.

    Second, never dictate what he should do. Never demand that you need or want something. Never tell him HOW to do anything, unless he asks for you help. Learn to hint, suggest, and plant seeds about what you want or want to happen in advance of whatever the event.

    What he figures out is easier to believe than what he is told. So, if he believes what you hint is the proper thing to do — please you or achieve something — he is far more inclined to do that particular thing than if you tell or even ask that he do it or to go along with your desires. You are an influential but perhaps unrecognized member of the superior gender, if and when he pleases you because it pleases him.

    Third, of all that does not mean that you’re not entitled to his attention and help. You’re naturally entitled to get your way, just as he is. However, the more indirectly you achieve it, the more productive and influential you will become.

    I don’t like to provide specific examples as you request. I prefer principles from which you figure out the best ways to gain advantage for you and yours.

    It’s summarized best by the old saying, he rules the roost but she rules the rooster.

    Guy

  4. Southern Belle

    Sir guy,

    I don’t fully understand what this looks like without being direct “Women must … condition him to accept her values, standards, and expectations”.
    I understand how men will do things and act interested in things she is interested in, etc. But I’m unsure how to communicate standards, expectations without directly stating them.
    Could you share with me what this looks like from a man’s view how a woman “conditions” a man in a feminine way.

    Your Highness Southern Belle,

    Men communicate through actions more than words. They believe what they figure out more than what they hear.

    She acts out her standards and expectations. He wants to do something against her wishes/standards, she firmly says NO! He gets fresh, she slaps him. (I know it’s socially obsolete, but she should do it anyway if she hopes for him to get her message.)

    She “‘conditions’ a man in a feminine way” by dressing and acting more feminine than feminist.

    Guy

    • Miss Gina

      Lady Southern Belle,

      Elsewhere in this blog, Sir Guy explains how to talk about things indirectly so a man interested in you takes the hint. If he doesn’t take the hint, he isn’t interested enough to change–red flag.

      So, you might point out admiringly some quality in another person that you particularly like and wish to see him adopt. “I just love to see older couples in which the husband is still chivalrous to the wife–look! He’s opening her car door.”

      Or, you might speak briefly with disgust, “I can’t stand messy cars.”

      Or express a preference: “I’ve always wanted to go there but have never taken the time.” “Fresh flowers on my desk always brighten my day.”

      Your Highness Miss Gina,
      Nice expansion on the theme. Thanks.
      Guy

      • Miss Gina

        P.S.–The messy car statement would not be while you are in his messy car; would be preferably far away from it in time and place.

  5. Femme

    Dear Sir Guy
    It’s so good to have you back and on top of things!
    I have been revisiting the chaste courtship series and I have a question relating to the “chaste” component.
    Because a courtship can be chaste between 2 people but it doesn’t mean the man doesn’t sleep around at the same time with other women…Men are conditioned to spread their seed so the longer the courtship the more opportunities for him to find release somewhere else.
    So if a woman he courts finds out about it, does she confront him? More importantly can she trust he will stop having sex with others after they marry?
    What if it becomes a habit of his just like watching porn?

    Your Highness Femme,

    “So if a woman he courts finds out about it, does she confront him?” No, not unless they have pledged to be exclusive to each another. If exclusive, she should dump him as unworthy of her. If not yet exclusive, overlook and forget it as none of her business.

    If she thinks that she should know everything about a man that strikes her curiosity, she is settling into an unfulfilling life. Her curiosity knows no bounds, but a marriage has to have boundaries inside those of curiosity and imagination.

    “More importantly can she trust he will stop having sex with others after they marry?” Funny thing about trust. If she gives it out of respect for another person, the possibility exists that it will be honored but there are no guarantees. If she doesn’t give unconditional trust, there is no incentive for her mate to give his unconditional respect.

    A good husband doesn’t chase other women for this reason. He respects, admires, wants to keep himself satisfied with who and what he is, plus he will neither betray his responsibility to her nor risk losing her. His conscience and character won’t let him betray her, her trust, or his responsibility to be loyal to one to whom he promised himself. IOW, a man’s fully developed and strong character serves wife best. Still there’s no guarantee, because she is unable to directly encourage that strength of character in her man; too many other things get in her way.

    God and Nature intend that wife can’t get a guarantee of husband’s fidelity. If she could, first she could presume dominance and act outside the female role. Second, no reason would exist to trust husband; that is, no standard for him to achieve as part of his marriage convenant. Third, mutual respect would deteriorate from lack of trust.

    Guy

  6. Femme

    Sir Guy,
    when you present it from the angle of unconditional trust, I must admit I can’t fault it. It sounds like giving trust is required before it is actually proved in action (provided no major red flags exist). An act of faith really. Thank you.
    Could I ask you what you meant by:
    “If she thinks that she should know everything about a man that strikes her curiosity, she is settling into an unfulfilling life. Her curiosity knows no bounds, but a marriage has to have boundaries inside those of curiosity and imagination.”?
    I understand the importance of boundaries in any relationship – just trying to figure out which one of my questions prompted that statement.

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness Femme,

      One flavor percolates throughout your writings and these statements: “So if a woman he courts finds out about it, does she confront him? More importantly can she trust he will stop having sex with others after they marry? What if it becomes a habit of his just like watching porn?” The flavor is “How can I make everything perfect before marriage so that it will continue afterward?

      With that attitude one can’t very will give trust based on faith more than evidence. The thought anticipates that faith is misplaced

      Guy

      • Femme

        I can see you are back Sir Guy!
        Thank God.
        I still don’t understand the fault in my thinking – since the only window of opportunity we get to get a man to change without him kicking and screaming is before marriage (and conquest). If there is a need for it. But modern men have been allowed and conditioned to pursue sex for sex’s sake… I’ve heard a few stories over the past few years of the husband’s porn watching habit ruining the marriage, intimacy and the wife’s self esteem in the process.
        So, I’m sorry to say I don’t understand but it’s so good to have you back, Sir Guy.

        • Miss Gina

          Dear Lady Femme,

          While awaiting Sir Guy’s more complete answer, try reading and re-reading the second-to-last paragraph of his long answer above that you are inquiring about. Look for the man who displays good character in other areas of life. That is the kind of man who takes pride in treating his lady well behind her back. His pride in doing so helps him rise above his baser drives. And the other part is simply faith on both sides…he has no perfect guarantee you won’t cheat or dump him and take the kids and half the money, as well.

          • Femme

            Thank you, Miss Gina.
            This topic (the male sex drive – specifically the duality of it) is new to me, meaning I’ve learnt about it on WWNH and it’s this sex difference that somehow has produced the most doubts and insecurity in me as to men and women being compatible. Of course there are no guarantees in life but we have to minimise risks 😊. Having said that I’m not worried about my own conduct – provided the man treats me right; so it stands to reason that he should expect the same in return. My only reservation was that I think it must be really hard for a man who has had many sexual partners settle down with just one woman for life. It must have been easier in the olden days. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen now, just that it must be harder for men these days and consequently for a good wife – hence my question. Also, if during courtship he can’t wait… what would that say about his character? Having been burned once, I would like to put faith in the right man 😊.
            I was also wondering if -with Sir Guy’s permission – you could paste some links to some “modest attire”?

            • Miss Gina

              Dear Lady Femme, I am sure Sir Guy will have more complete answers, but I would suggest trying not to figure it all out ahead of time. A man who has always been a good man will not have had a large number of partners. One who once did but has reformed will likewise have reformed his thinking so will be in line with your hopes. I once knew a minister who had once been a drug dealer and pimp but had completely changed. You could tell by the choices he made and how he lived. I am a pretty decent judge of character and could see he was another man. It can happen. This will show in general character in anyone. As for modest clothing, I wear skirts at knee or lower. Pants not skin tight but not baggy. Blouses are not sheer or have something underneath. Also not skin tight and do not show cleavage or side views. That being said, I shun dowdy and make every piece of clothing earn its way by making me look smashing. Right color, cut, and fabric for me, etc. For me to post links would direct you to what looks great on me, not you. Generally, I decide what style I want and do a Google search of images. Or shop high end thrift or dept store clearance. I will buy new at full price if it is the right thing, too. Great modest clothes may be found anywhere, but it takes a little work. I pay less attention to trends and more to quality and styles that work for me. Sorry for not giving what you asked; hope there is some help in this info.

              • Femme

                Dear Miss Gina,
                Thank you for your reply. As always you’ve given me food for thought (about my own attitude) and practical straightforward advice… As for modest clothes I realise I should have been more specific in sking my question. What colours and fabric s and even styles suit me I know. I too don’t follow fashion if it doesn’t flatter me in a given season. I was more after what NOT to wear to avoid being categorised as “a woman who likes men” (wink). In the wrong way lol. I’ve especially struggled with 1 part that is, my chest. It’s been substantial since I was 13 and has given me a bit of a headache in terms of dressing it. I will take on board your suggestions (knee length skirts especially), thank you. F.

      • Anonymous

        Welcome back, good Sir Guy. ❤

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