418. A Man’s View of Marriage

Admittedly a sexist interpretation in today’s terminology, I offer this idealized model of how men think about the females’ most valued institution. 

·        Marriage provides frequent and convenient access to sex in exchange for his independence.

·        By her taking his name, she adds confidence to his belief in her fidelity.

·        He’ll let her dominate the shaping of their future life, if she accepts him dominating the shaping of their present day life.

·        He expects to be as faithful as he always has been to promises, commitments, and vows. If the woman he chooses lives up to his marital expectations, no reason exists for infidelity.  

·        She has responsibility for infants and toddlers in the weans. He’ll help, but he’ll do much more in the tweens.

·        In the teens, kids are pretty much on their own until problems arise.

·        He determines the home and family domains for which he is and will be responsible. He needs no interference, but she can help if done his way. All other domains are hers.

·        She’s the nest builder, and he’s much like a consultant advising on comfort and harmony.


Filed under sex differences, Uncategorized

18 responses to “418. A Man’s View of Marriage

  1. Miss Dawn

    Sounds like a good deal to me!


  2. Stacy

    King and Queen philosophy, is what I call it. You and your spouse are building an empire–TOGETHER. Whoever heard of a King and Queen building a successful empire when they’re competing with each!

    Miss Dawn, I did reply to your question on the Virtual Virginity Post (415). Happy Holidays everyone! 🙂

    Your Highness,
    Stacy, I like your empire analogy.

  3. Collin

    Yup, you’re right. That was very sexist. Not only that, but also deterministic as well. This was just a collection of stereotypes that fail to incorporate the existence of the individual, relying on outdated standards which see the world through a dualistic perspective of light and dark, good and evil, man and woman. If anything should be learned from our recent past it should be against logic such as this, logic that says women should be relegated to the home because of perceived inferiority. It took the civil rights movement of African Americans 250 years to even achieve getting the “talented ten” of Booker T. Washington to the point where they could realize their potential. How long will it be until the talented ten of the fairer race will be allowed to pursue their own destinies without being stigmatized by men such as you? While many wives would like to be homemakers, they would like that more than anything, some may have to work to just pay the bills (especially if they are single parents, like my mom). You probably aren’t arguing against single moms working (maybe you are, I don’t know) but still it brings up an important caveat to consider, how can you justify this deterministic and ultimately subjective viewpoint in the face of notable exceptions such as my mother? If you can accept her case then what exactly are you arguing for? To what extent are you trying to limit women’s working? However, even if you have some sort of answer to the extent with which we should ideally limit women workers, I would argue that a question of extent would be an entirely subjective case more likely to rest on personal comfort than on empirical evidence. Only after realizing the utter opinion content of your cases will you recognize how similar your arguments appear to the arguments of radical islam, from which you differ only in extent (a very significant extent, granted. I’m just emphasizing my above point, for clarity.), replacing the veil for the sundress. All in all you represent perfectly the voice of classic social conservatism, echoing the nostalgic voice of twenty years prior against the process of progress. Men and women are not equal in all respects but they’re damn sure equal enough to give them at least the benefit of the doubt. I know many intelligent, confident, women who I would gladly hire in place of any man (if I were capable of hiring :P)

    Thank you for reading this and hopefully allowing it to display in your comments (this took a good amount of time to throw together). I realize the polemic tone of the note and apologize for it (we’ll chalk it up to the throes of youth, I’m only 17, and an active member of the counterculture. I find it hard to be respectful towards anything that I felt hasn’t earned it. Not that you haven’t, you just disagree with me, and I just have impossibly strong convictions. I try to keep an open mind though) hopefully all this will at least give you adequate fodder to feed your next blog and give you a look into the mindset of someone my age (judging by your choice of tags, you probably don’t get too much traffic from folks like me 😛 The only reasone I came across your site was because of a link someone posted on a Westboro Baptist forum. A site me and my friends often frequent for laughs, I found this site and found it intriguing. I was greeted by an article entitled “boob language.” Nonetheless that got me exploring. You finally got me incensed enough to write this comment. So congrats :D.)

    Good luck sorting through my maze of grammatical flaws, parenthesis, and run-on-sentences! (its postmodern style, though you probably would take issue with most of that aswell xD)

    Young man,
    Your screed epitomizes the adolescent and feminist tripe that modern women face all the time, and I usually exclude it from this blog. However, you also comment at six other posts, so I want your self-identified persona and values to be exposed for readers.

    • Vesper

      Aw this is cute. I don’t know you, but if this is you at 17 I’m excited for the kick ass woman you will be as an adult. Look for an all women’s college education, I think you would find it rewarding and we can use more articulate and independent thinkers like you. Even if your opinions are a little naive…time and life will teach you more. 🙂

      Your Highness Vesper,

      Welcome aboard. Its a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

      At risk of being wrong, I changed the 22nd word ‘women’ to ‘woman’. It seems to fit better in your tongue-in-cheek comment. If I misinterpreted you, please inform me.


  4. Simplicity Evermore

    Page Collin,

    Just wanted to thank you again! You prove Sir Guy’s point so well. And remind me what I come up against daily.

    Thank you for keeping me vigilant.

    ~Sim Sim

  5. anon

    It seems that Collins father must have been or is an irresponsible male who maybe doesnt even know he/she was born..if Collin is a girl, shes waay to young to feel like this. Counterculture today means more traditional; not less. BTW: just an opinion: i’m not one for unisex names for children, at one time it may have been ok but not for 21st century. If you name a kid one PLEASE give a decent middle name….(this is sssoooo trite on what im talking about) GENDER is not RACE

  6. anon

    I might add: many oftodays men WANTS his wife to work outside the home whether the woman wants to or not. What you are saying is general about marriage. Even before the late 1960s, many men (tho not all) werent boorish chavanists (sp?)because women knew how to be ‘mysterious’ and be queen of the home; taught that way by her grandmothers. What caused horrible female bashing IMO was Hefner and playboy philosophy; and modern women play right into Hefners and Kinseys dream. Womens lib in some ways IS mens lib

  7. Anne

    “He’ll let her dominate the shaping of their future life, if she accepts him dominating the shaping of their present day life.”

    I am wondering if you might explain this in more depth? How does a man shape the present day, specifically? I feel many men are actively involved in planning for their family’s future (from putting away money for retirement, to planning details like the whereabouts of a job relocation, etc.) As a woman, I feel I do more of the “present day” things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

    Also, “He needs no interference, but she can help if done his way. All other domains are hers.” What when he offers opinions about how she arrange her domains? How should this be handled? And what type of domains might a man have which a woman can help with (if done his way, of course)? I am often at a loss as to how to help my husband; his primary domain seems to be his job, which is beyond my skill level for offering any type of help beoynd a good dinner when he gets home…

    Your Highness Anne,
    Re paragraph 2: He handles the present day things by showing his dominance where he thinks it’s needed. You are ‘doing’ the present, but he’s concerned with what and how you do it. He’s focused on the present, while you focus on the future doing all the things you do to make life and family better.

    Re paragraph 3: You help your husband most by showing respect for who he is and what he does. Other than the dinner, do you reward him for yardwork? Care for his laundry/cleaning?

    When he offers opinions about her domains, she should do her best to both satisfy him and herself. Disagreeing and fighting back is competitive, and he expect her to be cooperative.

    Methinks you’re trying to find excuses to do things ONLY your way. It’s okay but you should expect perhaps unpleasant repercussions for your competitive spirit.


    • Anne

      I have read your response multiple times over the past several days to let it sink in properly. I HOPE I am not trying to find excuses to do everything my way. I will continue to think about this and try to examine myself to see if/where I am. I do love my husband very much and don’t want a competitive spirit in myself. It is sad to think I may be displaying one without meaning to. But the sooner I discover where and how, the sooner I can correct myself!! Meanwhile, I will be thinking about the rewards and respect you mentioned. My husband is very quiet and generally not very emotionally-expressive so I have a hard time knowing if he feels rewarded or respected or otherwise compensated for all that he does for our family. I can’t read him very well most of the time. I think I will start a little notebook where I write down the little things he says “in passing”… usually very quietly and easy-to-miss… but they probably carry more of his opinions about the day-to-day / present than I’ve realized before…

  8. Femme

    Sir Guy,
    I have 2 questions regarding the above post.
    You are saying

    “She has responsibility for infants and toddlers in the weans. He’ll help, but he’ll do much more in the tweens.”

    Yet nowadays, it’s sometimes men who take care of the children more.
    Also, I personally know 2 men who have been fighting to save the marriage while their wives tried to get away… In these cases, would you say the men cared more about the relationship than the women did (contrary to what I remember you said in another post that men are not good at relationship maintenance and it’s mostly up to the women) or did they try to save the institution itself (and some of their hard earned money or possibly face)? I’m sorry if I sound cynical…

    The other thing I was wondering about is fidelity in marriage.

    “He expects to be as faithful as he always has been to promises, commitments, and vows. If the woman he chooses lives up to his marital expectations, no reason exists for infidelity.”

    Could it be that no reasons exist and the man STILL chooses to be unfaithful simply because he can’t be faithful? Also, if the woman he married DOESN’T live up to his expectations, why is it so much easier for a man to find a replacement for her (while married) instead of trying to get her to change or at least work on things? Is it because men think women don’t change (in the same way that men don’t)?
    Thank you.

  9. My Husband's Wife

    Dear Lady Femme,

    You asked about a husband who chooses to be unfaithful because he can’t be faithful. That brought to mind a great series Sir Guy did way back about types of cheaters that was really interesting. In case you haven’t seen them, they are:
    1556. Betrayal — The Accidental Cheater
    1557. Betrayal — The Booty Fraud
    1559. Betrayal — The Hopeless Trickster
    1558. Betrayal — The Serial Conqueror

  10. Femme

    Dear My Husband’s Wife,

    thank you for the tip; I hadn’t gotten to reading this particular series as I’m still relatively new to this blog and Sir Guy’s teaching.
    I’ve read them all now, together with the discussions, and I’ve had my answers.
    I’ve also had a headache from realizing it can really be a jungle out there but nobody seems to teach young women these days how to screen men.
    As I speak with different female friends of mine on the subject of this blog, I get the same response over and over again: that I sound like a grandmother, that everybody is different and there is no one size fits all…Etc.
    What I’m getting from those conversations is that there are no rules really (I mean, women have no rules and very often don’t know themselves what they want in a husband and then it’s very easy to fall into the seller’s role – have done it myself in the past).
    It really is a very good series as usually cheaters are thrown into one bag labelled “once a cheater, always a cheater”.
    Thank you for suggesting it.

    Your Highness Femme,

    You say, “As I speak with different female friends of mine on the subject of this blog, I get the same response over and over again: that I sound like a grandmother, that everybody is different and there is no one size fits all…Etc.”

    Those women speak of tastes, and one size doesn’t fit all. When one speaks of principles, such as I do, one size does fit all. Example: All women are born pretty. If they don’t take advantage of it, they will find that life has shortcomings for them. Dressing carelessly distorts prettiness, tattoos disguise it, and lack of smiles hide it.


    • Femme

      Yes, and if we ignore gravity and try flying by jumping off a cliff, we will have to deal with the consequences.
      That is what I meant; the women I was talking about (2, specifically) have so far had disastrous results with men, at least from my point of view, but aren’t even willing to look at the situation from a different perspective. They don’t want to know the principles.
      It’s not my job to save the world, but it’s hard to live in a society where women taught guys to disrespect them but they absolutely can’t see it.
      Older men in my country of origin used to kiss a woman’s hand when greeting her as a sign of respect.
      I’ve recently heard of a case of a guy who did it while at work to a customer. Not only did he lose the job but was accused of sexual harassment.
      I think it’s totally ridiculous.

      Your Highness Femme,
      You’re right. The government is forcing us to live with lies. It’s called totalitarianism.

  11. Meow Meow

    I have also noticed that much of the “cheating’ these days seems to be done by the wives, at least as much if not more so than men! (Indeed it may secretly have always been this way, as in medieval times it was ladies who were thought of as fickle or hearts easily stolen: however, easy access to modern birth control has definitely changed the consequences of casual sex.) and I lately have heard and read story after story of wives who are having affairs while men are the ones determined to either save or end the marriage and raise their child themselves.While I am happy that guys are stepping up to the plate to take custody of the children its sad either way. My sense is that men are finally seeing the heroism involved in solo parenting and with a strong sense of justice or “doing the right thing” are stepping forwards. Maybe these men were raised by single moms and so can empathize with their kids more than the previous generation. My hat is off to these fellows. A single dad is truly a knight.

  12. Femme

    I know one man who was in this situation (with a cheating wife whom he divorced after the 3rd affair but left the kids with her).
    Which begs the question: are we really meant to be monogamous or is it not in our true natures?
    It’s in the best interests of children and very important for the integrity of the family, but more and more people can’t stick to their marriage vows…
    However, I think women might cheat for slightly different reasons than men.
    I think they mostly cheat when they can’t feel an emotional connection with their men, in other words, they cheat to find love.
    Or maybe I’m wrong?
    I wonder what Sir Guy thinks.

    Your Highness Femme,

    Women cheat to find love? Nope, they cheat to feel important, and husband might do okay; but he doesn’t if she cheats. Lover can’t change it. It’s caused by the absence of self-gratitude, which is so widespread in women.

    My series “Self-gratitude…” covers the subject. However, I shall look into the need for more.


  13. Femme

    I will look into the series.
    Thank you.

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