526. She has ‘Issues’ — Responses

Casual sex being the man’s game, he’s prepared to convince her of the rightness of his cause. She may even help as described in part one in post 525, but she needs her own ammo.

Caveat: I offer no right answers for being accused of frigidity, fear, or sexual mistreatment. Instead, I assume that she wants to choose whether he’s worth more attention and time instead of his making that choice about her.

Her response should not drive him off, but should cause confusion so that he slacks off pressuring her for sex. Conflicting signals cause confusion, and smiles can confuse any negative message she chooses to convey.

Responses: Anger and disappointment have some potential, but she gives up control of the situation. Certainty of her messages, as opposed to confusing him, puts him in fight or flight mode. A grab bag of options includes confusing messages that are less likely to prompt his dropping her:

·        SMILE and ask: “Why do you accuse me of having issues? Can I not stand on my principles and beliefs?” (Then, don’t explain further and don’t complain about his response, if he offers one. Let her question haunt him, because he has no answer that respects her as she wants to be respected.)

·        SMILE, maybe chuckle, and change the subject as if his accusations are preposterous. (Say nothing to defend her position, but don’t let him know if she’s uncertain about it. Take charge. Self-confidence steals ammo from his bag of tricks.)

·        SMILE as if she intends to keep secrets in the sex department. They disagree on ‘casual’, and it’s no time to explore those differences. (She’s waiting on certain conditions to be met, which she expects to come later.)

·        SMILE if she’s hurt and inquire if he really has other specific interests in common with her. (Put the guilt on him, and he’ll change the subject.) 

·        SMILE and query him about himself to change the subject. (What ‘issues’ does he have that he would expect her to so eagerly embrace casual instead of devotion? Why embrace his self-interest by yielding her own interests?)

·        SMILE mysteriously while asserting she’s ‘normal’. Greater mystery will stop his efforts to soften her resolve. (He’ll depart or take another strategy, if she puts the guilt back on him for even suggesting that she may be other than ‘normal’.)

·        SMILE and assert devoted love is normal and casual sex abnormal to relationship solidarity. (She might ask: Is he more interested in sex than a solid relationship? Why? How? Penetrating questions expose his character.)

·        SMILE and in some subtle way assert innocence as more valuable than experience. (Let him conclude what all that means.)

Accusing a female of issues against casual sex is a standard male technique. She cheapens herself if she falls for it.

A more profitable response: Don’t accept casual, commitment, or her devotion for him in lieu of his devotion for her. It’s called female dominance.  


Filed under feminine, Uncategorized

3 responses to “526. She has ‘Issues’ — Responses

  1. Miss DaWN

    The POWER of the female smile in dealing with men! Yes. This is so wonderfully and easily true!No more arguing just smile and and be sweet.

    However my favorite is when he asks; “Why are you smiling? or “Whats so funny?”

    To which is coyly respond: Would it be better if I cried.” (Men do anything to aviod being with crying girls so this works well for me)

    Or I say” Because I’m happy! (Fail proof)

  2. someone

    Wow…this is slightly disturbing. Thank goodness my relationship isn’t so contrived.

    Your comment does not seem to fit the context of this article or the first part, #525. Would you care to elaborate?

  3. Mrs. AC

    You’re a genius!! Very intelligent answers.

    I actually had a boyfriend who implied I might be frigid (he surely didn’t have the pantalones to say it straightforward to me). I mean I was 16 and he was 20! and even then I could see straight through his try at manipulation. I answered while smiling “Yeah… something must be terribly wrong with me if I can be able to resist you.”
    And then one day when I refused again, he kind of ultimated me “I just don’t think you love me as a boyfriend, maybe we should just be friends” and I agreed, walked away and never looked back.

    When my husband courted me, since we had an actual loving relationship and I knew he cared deeply for me I really tried to explain my feelings to him (we were about 6 months into our relationship). I said “Making love is something really special for me. I know when I do it I will pour myself completely to that man, with no boundaries at all and could never survive separation. I have to make sure I only do it with one man, and the only way to be completely sure is if I’m married to that man.” He understood and in time, appreciated it.

    ps. I’m greatly enjoying your blog! many things I’ve never thought about the deep psychology below relationships.

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