578. Sex: Reward or Incentive?

About choices: Women don’t use their sexual assets very well. Why? God empowers them to do so, each woman has free will to choose, but do wives know husbands well enough?   

About wives: The female nature continually seeks a brighter future. This usually requires that one man help a woman fulfill her hopes and dreams. Men don’t eagerly devote and continue doing such things without compensation for husbanding and fathering. It calls for both incentives and rewards, but women have trouble with the difference. Wives often think sex provides compensation enough, but female thinking easily subverts it.

About husbands: Being competitive producers, providers, protectors, and problem solvers by nature, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. They appreciate the results of effort and achievement and new challenges.

  • Without being shown respect and appreciation by one woman, men act out their resentments in pursuit of their own interests. They don’t care that much about female opinions, interests, hopes, or dreams unless one woman above all others keeps herself interesting and worthwhile.
  • Rewards satisfy, but incentives challenge. Rewards imply yesterday, but incentives imply today. Being present oriented, men favor challenges far above thank yous.  

About differences:  Men are more strongly motivated with many incentives and a few intermittent rewards than with plenty of rewards. Women are the opposite; they value rewards over incentives. Consequently, wives play the incentive and reward cards wrongly, if at all, and it weakens compensation for husband.

About marriage: A couple’s minds, both conscious and subconscious, are divided about sex.

  • Wife thinks of providing sex as rewarding him, and for which he is expected to show gratitude. When he doesn’t, she’s unhappy. She can’t be grateful either, because her ‘reward model’ doesn’t work. Making this simple but poor choice haunts her into making other mistakes.
  • Husband thinks of frequent and convenient sex as his reward for having married. He’s long since shown his gratitude for it, which means he’s not likely to show much now.
  • Incentivize is a better model for her. Her presence, attractiveness, and willingness make her a daily invitation for sex aka incentive aka challenge. He’s satisfied, because he’s grateful that she reliably confirms marital commitment as he understood it. He can cherish the challenge that she continually presents to his presence.  
  • His reward for giving up his independence is long past and virtually forgotten. To the male mind, married sex means marital duty, which makes gratitude okay but not essential. Hence, whatever gratefulness for sex he shows will likely never be enough for wife.
  • Her presence is an invitation for sex, and her willingness confirms the original reward of marriage.

Husbands and wives sense their sexual sides quite differently. He sees a land of plenty, and she sees a gratitude famine. When wife compensates mate for husbanding and fathering, let her think of incentives rather than rewards, present rather than past, and inviting rather than careless appearance. His male-limited supply of gratitude normally crystallizes around her availability and cooperative willingness for sex rather than sex per se.

Caution: Don’t take the above as more than a description of how their respective minds work and interact. I neither condemn nor advise. Readers can do that.  


Filed under The mind

8 responses to “578. Sex: Reward or Incentive?

  1. dogsandfitness

    The see it like this: both husband and wife must give what the other most wants if their marriage is going to work. In my experience, husbands want sex the most (or sex and appreciation tie for first place). The promise of easier access to sex is why males marry. Masturbation gets boring for a guy! The only time I will turn him down is when I am on my period (he knew this BEFORE we married), during a stressful period (a death in the family has my mind elsewhere) or if I am sick.

    Women marry to have someone make their lives easier. I don’t want to take out the trash and change the oil in the car and get the ladder out and sweep the roof! Personal protection is also another reason females get married. My husband has put his life on the line for me, literally. He will take a bullet for me. My sexual favors reward these actions and give him reason to perform requests that I ask of him. My attractiveness gives him something to appreciate and as a challenge to keep me around (other males notice me and know knows it 😉 )

  2. Katrinka

    OK, Guy, there has to be more give and take in a relationship than this, after all these years, isn’t there? Like the fact that I enjoy pressing his clothes so that when he goes to work they all know that there is someone at home that loves taking care of him. I fix the meals he likes and I wear the perfume he likes because he likes it. He goes with me to help me with the groceries because he likes to take care of me. He opens the gate for me when I leave to go on errands so I don’t have to stop the truck, get out, open the gate, drive thru, stop the truck, get out, shut the gate, and back in the truck. After 25 plus years we hold hands when we’re out together and laugh at stupid stuff. Most of this is because he is so sweet to me and never holds a grudge when I do stupid things. He is a very warm hearted guy, but mostly only toward me. He is very forgiving to me and loving and never thinks I’m as bad as I am! 🙂 With other people he is hard for them to get close to. He’s not perfect and he can get me very frustrated sometimes, but he lives to protect me and take care of me and even when he’s frustrating me I can usually see that the core of my frustration is his drive to protect and provide for me, even if it is causing some stress and anxiety for me at the current time. And my frustration is usually rooted in some kind of selfish response of my own. Any clarification?

    Your Exceptionalness Katrinka,

    “OK, Guy, there has to be more give and take in a relationship than this, after all these years, isn’t there? … Any clarification?”

    Of course there’s more to it, and you beautifully describe a lot of it. Your husband struck gold. Just a tease, but it looks like he trained you exactly like you want him.

    My article tried to show that the female mind often leads to disruptions of her best interests. If wife provides sex to husband to reward him, she’s missing the boat, because he’s less likely to show gratefulness.

    Expecting that sex rewards him shifts her thinking toward doing it on her convenience and terms. It pushes her toward self-centeredness, because he doesn’t appreciate her rewards to the extent she expects.

    However, she can put the ball in his court, because he likes to imagine conquering long after the original conquest. Far better it is to always make herself attractive, willing, and available for sex and let him pick time and place. This is the scenario he imagined for giving up his independence. Not sex per se, but frequent and convenient access.

    When he takes today’s consummation as his reward for her looking so darned great, it passes credit and gratitude to her. When she sees today’s consummation as her reward, she’s done well for herself. Not the sexual gratification side whether good or bad, but her reward comes from his reliance on her for sex. BTW if he doesn’t rely on her, how long will he stay?

    Her as incentive generates the gratefulness she hopes to see in him. Also, since happiness flows from gratefulness, both are happier.


  3. Katrinka

    OK, Guy, thanks for the clarification! I am pretty new to your blog, and your posts/comments take some serious thinking . . . and sometimes it takes me awhile to twist my thinking around to understand what you’re saying. But it’s good mental exercise :)! I think most men aren’t articulate enough to express what you’re saying even though they would agree (I have cross checked some of your comments with hubby). And if they COULD express it, the sheer verbosity of most women would discourage them from any such conversation!

    I also think that maybe a couple generations ago, men and women understood each other better, or maybe women understood men better, without even having to go through all the thought processes necessary today. Some of the things that women did may have seemed manipulative, but they were really just playing into the reality of manhood as you describe above. i.e., ‘Life With Father’ movie of life in the late 1800s starring Irene Dunn and William Powell looks smarter to me every time I watch it.

  4. Jodi

    When he takes today’s consummation as his reward for her looking so darned great, it passes credit and gratitude to her. When she sees today’s consummation as her reward, she’s done well for herself.
    Can you explain this more?

    Your Ten-ness Jodi,
    Could you provide more detail? I’m uncertain what you’re after.

  5. Jodi

    This was your reply to Katrinka, I think I understand the subject being that if the wife thinks she’s rewarding her husband with sex she will be disappointed because he won’t show gratitude for something he has already earned through marriage. But it is better for her to always make herself attractive, willing and available and let him choose time/place so he still feel’s he’s the one conquering again. When you say he takes sex today as his reward for her looking great, is that because he feels he has made a good choice, I’m unsure? Also her reward is he chooses her? The goal of looking so good?

    I’m sorry but I have two more questions.
    (1) If wife never consistently took care of herself but started looking great and impressing him, do you think he would feel his reward of sex wasn’t enough a trade and want to start doing things that were important to her?
    (2) How do you think husbands/men view the wife/female pregnant body?

    Your Exquisiteness Jodi,

    Yes to all three questions in first paragraph. She looks good, and he’s motivated for sex. Sex rewards him. Intimacy rewards her. But it all started with her attractiveness. Less attractive and more wham, bam, thank you, mam.

    Question (1): Not as you phrase it as “reward of sex wasn’t enough [of] a trade.” Men don’t think that way. Results depend on how she changes herself. Improvements in appearance should not surprise him. She should go slow and let small improvements be absorbed by him over time until what he sees is just what he thinks he deserves. Then, he very likely will respect her more, simply because she reflects more credit on him.

    Question (2): In private, he views her pregnant body as unique and as attractive as she modestly handles herself.

    In public, symbols count, and it depends even more on her appearance. Tight tee shirts elevate pregnancy and mom over birth and baby. Tight belly cover makes her unattractive, makes him insignificant, and detracts from the anticipation of glorious birth.

    Modest and pretty smocks highlight him as hero of conception, elevate baby over pregnancy, and make mom the next, great, soon-to-be hero of delivery. Men focus on the present and women on the future. Hence, husbands appreciate pregnant wives much more when they appear as beautiful as possible in the present. Mothers’ natural focus is toward the future, so highlighting birth instead of pregnancy better fits the female nature.


  6. kandika

    I keep trying to tell my teenage daughter to wear skirts, below the knee, sometimes because they attract a better caliber of man ( dresses aren’t in style for the first time today) unless they are almost ‘slut-like’–also, tattoos don’t look as good with jewelry. [my opinion] Jewelry takes the place of the tattoo. Even if you have the best tattoo, and the most feminine, its not the same as being ‘markless’–then the jewelry will have something to ‘hang on to’ [thats why people are trading theirs for money these days; they find that it doesn’t mix–i dont see tatted women with jewelry on of any kind unless there faces are pierced] ugggggh

    Your Highness Kandika,
    Welcome aboard. Glad to have you with us. Like your comments too.

  7. kandika

    Pretty smocks are the best for pregnant women–youre right about that–most men and women know your pregnant without broadcasting it. Women have got to realize that when they advertise certain things, it ‘splits’ men into two groups–serial daters and wimps–most of us don’t want either of them–we want 50 yr marriages and anniversaries–if we don’t we are fooling ourselves

  8. kandika

    i agree with boomer babe–im her friend

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