757. Response to Viewer — Item 21a

Her Highness Abigail prompted this article, when at post #751 she wondered that “…marriage seems like a raw deal for women.”

Of course it can be, but women are the relationship experts, so some blame attaches to them. They intuitively know how to manage and maintain a successful relationship. But that doesn’t mean they rely on their nature. She often ignores her man’s faults in courtship and then blames him as husband.

Also, for example, the wife can generate her own raw deal if she:

  • Forgets that marriage predominantly serves mother and her children, but it has to be ‘bought and paid for’ by her as wife.
  • Promotes equality over fairness in the home, e.g., dividing or expecting chore workload to be equal instead of settling for fairness to generate harmony. (Her relationship expertise endows her for success in knowing and settling differences, if she but drops any semblance of equality.)
  • Determines the values to guide living in her home and negotiates requirements and expectations during courtship, e.g., church-going, raising kids, integrity, temporary separations, faithfulness, etc.
  • Expects husband to be more like her or some other guy.
  • Becomes something different than the gal the husband courted and married, or she expects him to become something different.

Raw deals are made and not born. Both he and she have coarse sandpaper to rub against sensitive emotions. But she’s better equipped than he to soothe the biggest irritations by feathering and nursing the edges into harmony.

P.S. Gold-diggers may have a better idea, as Abigail suggested, but they start with different objectives and values and end up with results different from what most women desire.



Filed under Fickle female

6 responses to “757. Response to Viewer — Item 21a

  1. Abigail

    Guy, I appreciate your addressing my concerns. I’m a big fan of yours but honestly I’m having issues with some of the things you write. Maybe I’m misunderstanding but it seems like you give married men a free pass to flop, use their wife for convenient sex (and the sex has to be “made delightful by wife” too!) etc.

    The bible says– In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
    After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—–

    It seems to me, a man should have to try hard to please his wife too, not just flop around and then get delightful sex. Forgive me, I’m not trying to cause you pain but what am I missing here???

    Your Exceptionalness Abigail,

    Perhaps you do misunderstand me. I explain men, their nature, and the impact of female behavior on them. I don’t alibi for unfriendly behavior to or with females. Men get no free passes from me. I favor harmonious family relations, and men are equally responsible for it.

    Perhaps this causes the misunderstanding. If men don’t act that way, two possible reasons exist: They don’t know better, or they don’t care. They are neither marriage nor relationship experts. Consequently, any cures for shortcomings rests with whoever seeks to improve them.

    I’m sorry this sounds argumentative, but I intend otherwise. I try to be a messenger rather than a judge.


    • ladylike

      I’ve noticed how Guy mentions the 4 Ps a lot (protect, provide, produce and problem solve), and I guess a man sees these 4 Ps as his area of expertise and feels responsible for them. A good man will work hard for his family, and ensure that he fulfills the expectations he has of himself as a man.

      If he happens to wade into a female’s area of expertise (nurturing, caring for small children, homemaking) I would say that a man could see any help he renders her as an added extra as this is not his area of expertise, and thus he doesn’t feel responsible for it.

      If a woman works outside the home and looks after small children and does all the housekeeping, she really does have a raw deal, as she is assisting in the man’s areas of expertise (producing and providing) as well as trying to fulfill her natural female oritentated duties, with limited help from the man.

      So what is a woman meant to do? Staying at home when she has kids seems like the most sensible solution to the problem, but some families simply cannot afford only one working parent. So if a woman is assisting in the man’s responsibilities, yet he isn’t assisting her in her responsiblities, the woman will at some point become burned out.

      I wonder what the solution is?

      Your Ten-ness Ladylike,

      Well reasoned and beautifully stated.

      The solution? Start with Dave Ramsey’s program to escape indebtedness and build up to stay-at-home wife. Life is about the journey, but we have to make it challenging to be interesting. At least that’s the masculine view, and in this case, it’s the one that can relieve the wife of doubling up on responsibilities.


      • ladylike

        Yes – in our consumer society, peole have a number of “wants” but these aren’t “needs”. If a married couple decide to have fewer luxuries(those provided by the wife’s salary) and she stays at home, this is probably key to having a more harmonious home life. And when a woman is happy and contented rather than stressed and overworked, the family will be happier, in spite of the lack of luxuries…

  2. Abigail

    Thanks very much Guy and Miss Ladylike. I think maybe I just haven’t chosen the best men in the past. X-husband of 11 years wanted me to work 40 hours a week but didn’t pitch in at home. Couldn’t even get him to read the kids a bed time story. I didn’t realize until it was too late, that we were not very compatible. I also tried to nag him into doing what I wanted, which made things worse. Then of course bedtime came and it was time for me to get sexy. HA!

    It may mean I never marry again but if I do remarry I won’t marry a man who wants me to work outside the home. Kids or not, running a home properly is a full time job, even just with regard to my energy level.

    • ladylike

      Hi Abigail,

      Sorry your marriage was so hard… it sounds like you were totally overworked! I’ve often thought that the idea that women can “have it all” is faulty. What ends up happening (if women combine a full-time career and motherhood) is that they just end up doing it all – a recipe for exhaustion!

      • Abigail

        Thanks for saying that Miss Ladylike. I resisted going to work as long as I could because I knew if wouldn’t be good for our family. I was right too, my marriage only lasted a couple of years after that. That’s the past now. I think I’ve learned from it.

        I hope the young women here can learn from my mistakes. I think it’s really important to marry a man who can provide for a family and not depend on his wife to do it. Like Guy alluded to, it’s so important to stay out of debt as well. I’ve known of a lot of women who would have preferred staying home with their children but couldn’t because of debt.

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