825. Response to Viewer — Item 25

QUESTION: Her Highness Mari at #822 asked how to overcome the husbandly inclination to do no more than fulfill the masculine primal need to eat, flop, and sleep with wife?

ANSWER: No inclination to keep her pleased means: (1) She places demands on him instead of something more agreeable, and he withdraws. Or (2) she’s shy of self-respect. We shall focus here on only the second cause.

When men coast and do only the minimum, they lack great or higher level respect and devotion for spouse—less drive to keep her pleased. A man’s devotion for a woman radiates from respect built upon this three-legged platform:

1.     Unconditional respect for the female gender inculcated before he experienced puberty.

2.     Respect built before conquest and based on his appraisal of her feminine virtue and the promise she shows as potential wife.

3.     Her self-respect confirmed, maintained, and reinforced after conquest.

Weaken any leg and his devotion weakens. After marriage she can only reinforce the last leg, so generating any change in him involves working on herself to increase self-respect. Everything’s relative, recovery is everything, but she can’t change him.

Recovery: Build up and reinforce her self-respect without disturbing him. This means do it slowly, patiently, indirectly regarding him, and give no appearance that she’s a different woman. Just a more self-respecting one. Slow, easy, and discreetly works best.

Now, I know women object, because all the blame seems to fall their way; they have to do all the work for recovery. The article above reads that “she has an arrangement of her own making.” She didn’t evaluate him relative to the first leg of the platform above, and she put too little emphasis on the second leg. She did not fully develop her promise for him. This makes the third leg tougher to reinforce.


Filed under How she wins

5 responses to “825. Response to Viewer — Item 25

  1. Sharon

    These posts on self-respect really resonate with me. It’s taken years for me to learn the 3-legged platform you’ve explained and to recognize my part in #3. I also appreciate your emphasis, once again, that “recovery is everything.” With today’s “fast-food mentality,” people are conditioned to give up, rather than work at recovery in marriage.

  2. Mari

    Mr Guy,

    Thank you for this post. I really like what you wrote about taking it slow, easy and discreetly. I have a lot of thinking to do especially about number 3 : her self respect, confirmed, mantained and reinforced after conquest.

  3. Jessica

    Can an unmarried woman in a relationship that has involved pre-marital conquest “Recover” with #2 and not seem phoney?

    Your Delightfulness Jessica,

    Sure you can, if three issues come together: Sincerity prevents phoniness. Virtual virginity earns respect. A man’s devotion shines or fades when denied sex after conquest.

    STRATEGY: Find moral and religious reasons to pursue virtual virginity as described in the series by that name. Learn to live up to something higher or bigger than humans, e.g., moral principles or God.

    OBJECTIVES: Adopt moral and religious commitments that push, prod, and commit you to live up to something or essence higher than yourself. Back up your choice for chastity with higher authority, such as biblical passages.

    Live your life by exemplifying newly adopted moral or religious values and standards. Give them high priority over your man. He either honors the ‘new you’, or he can depart. If he won’t honor you, you’ve probably learned he was after sex more than you.

    CAUTION: The one most fearful of losing the other will adjust to please the other. He’s probably not a keeper, if he won’t adjust. You’re more likely phony, if you adjust back to what he expects.

    Respectable people lie, but those that lie to themselves deserve no respect from others; they lack self-respect. I mention this to make this point: If you can’t do it with sincerity to yourself, it won’t work. Your sincerity will be respected and can be admirable; phoniness earns disrespect, as you doubtless know.


  4. gcs15

    dear sir guy
    what other nice ways are there of sticking to our guns on virtual virginity other than religion? im not religious (i believe in the basic tenants of religion and try very hard to be a good honest respectable person) so i dont want to be a hypocrite and all of a sudden start quoting the bible. im sure that would come off as phony from me to a man.
    im really trying to focus on my self respect and upholding my values instead of adjusting back to what he wants/expects out of fear of losing him. i can see now how this is probably what happened in my marriage and LTR.
    so any advice on how to make my point clear other than just say no or “premarital sex doesnt work for me”? i also want to weed out the ones who are probably just looking for FWB.
    your humble servant

    Your Highness Gcs15,

    Your reasons should be higher than you personally. For example:

    • My husband will know that I sacrificed for him even before I met him.

    • God expects me to brighten my marriage in every way possible, and premarital chastity does it better than anything else.

    • I’ve learned that true love comes best when sex is reserved for procreation and expressing the ultimate in mutual love and both come more beautifully after marriage.

    • Men can make and turn off love without marriage. But it’s not the same love that women crave or expect. Love is much more than sex to women, and proof of it goes with marriage and not before.

    • Courtship is for exploration of each other. Engagement is for validation. Having sex interferes with both. Why? Because men change after conquest, and how they change can’t be predicted before it.

    • You may not be religious, but are you morally upright? Then declare and define what it means to you and stand by your guns.

    • Any unmarried sexual relations enable my future husband to suspect me of future unfaithfulness. If I yielded without marriage before, what’s keeping me from doing it again? How good are marriage vows to a woman, if she parted with her ultimate gift without vows? No way will I enter a marriage with any suspicions hanging around my neck. My husband will want and expect to never encounter any men in my past and see evidence or suspicions that we had sex. The man I marry will know that he’s getting the greatest gift that a man can receive, a wife thinking about and building loyalty toward him even before we meet.

    You might also find help reading or reviewing the Virtual Virginity series.


    • Southernbelle

      Sir Guy,

      Is there an equivalent idea for women regarding assessing a man’s faithfulness as a husband? If a man is looking for chastity as a key characteristics of a woman’s faithfulness, but chastity is an unrealistic/unfair characteristic to size up a man’s faithfulness then what can we look for? It seems as though a man may serially date with or without sex without same scrutiny as a woman. Then once he decides that’s the woman I can’t live without, he turns into this focused, devoted man to capture her. On the other hand a woman who is more selective in who she spends her time with (including dating) is seen as more “wifely” than women who date many men even if they are chaste while dating.

      Your Highness Southernbelle,

      Don’t take this to mean that I justify or alibi for men who cheat. The most admirable men are faithful to their brides.

      You ask, “…then what can we look for?” Quit looking! To look is to suspect, which is to distrust, which is to disrespect, which is to discredit her as the best he could have married. Her likeability plummets, and it weakens his love.

      Women trust before they respect others. Associating with women, they exchange descriptions of who they are, what they do, and personal preferences and expectations. From that, they trust each other until they learn better.

      Such full disclosure doesn’t work with men; they can’t respect such a revealing woman nor do they want to listen to her. Men expect to talk first and convince her to buy into him. He’s the seller and she’s the buyer, or she’s not very acceptable for more than sex.

      For early encounters with men, women have to show trust as the way of showing respect. Trust stimulates her to listen, which shows her respect of him, which earns his respect of her, and the latter is required before a man can love her. Consequently, her trust is the key to both his respect and her likeability, the first and most vital ingredients to a man’s love.

      It doesn’t change after marriage. Questions about her trust register with him as less respect and suitability for satisfying him in his life. He’s responsible for the marriage, he took vows of dedication to her. Whatever more she expects tampers with his respect of her, which reduces his love, which works against what she hopes to keep in their relationship.

      If in spite of all that and husband does cheat, it’s a different day, trust and respect need rehab, and she’s in charge and what to do about it. Then, she has to trust her self-respect to manage their relationship into something more beneficial and hopefully pleasant to her.

      It starts with her deciding if she is dealing with his physical or emotional infidelity. If she has previously decided that she can’t live with one or the other, her relationship has been plagued with subliminal shadows of suspicion or distrust.


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