885. Commitment sans Devotion

Reorganized, clarified, and reissued as #1818.


Filed under courtship

10 responses to “885. Commitment sans Devotion

  1. anonymous

    How does one go about setting standards such as “not using foul language”? I think if I were to ask someone not to swear in front of me, they would think I am crazy (I’m in college).

    Your Collegiate Stunningness Anonymous,

    You’ve inspired an article that will be published tomorrow morning as #886. Thanks for the inspiration.

    In the meantime, I strongly recommend study of the Emerson quote by Her Highness Sharon. It has high value as tactic with maximum courtesy.


  2. Sharon

    Anonymous, I offer a thought, from Emerson, which might be a helpful guide: “Speak the affirmative; emphasize your choice by utter ignoring of all that you reject.”

  3. Miss Dawn

    “…The more she thinks she needs a man, the more she lowers what’s important to her, and the less she accomplishes in marriage….”

    So true….

    to ANONYMOUS!!!!

    All you have to do is never use profahnity yourself. That is the foundation upon which you build your standard. While you certainly have no control over what others say. You have control over (1) What you say (2) who you choose to associate with.

    If you think there is no sacrifice involved with living a virtuous life—- Think again. I kept tryin to have my cake and eat it too, and then I just realized that something HAD to go.

    So what is more important to you?

    Men who curse in your presence- or a little bit of loneliness?

  4. R.A.

    May you please expound more on the statement that,”Her virtue is not immediately evident. Evidence accumulates mostly as perceived by him.”

    Does this mean that you may be the most virtuous woman in the world but if he doesn’t recognize that then he may never choose you as his significant other? I’m confused because what if a lady sets herself apart by way of being virtuous but for some reason it still doesn’t stand out enough?

    Your Delicateness R.A.,

    Answer to first question: YES!

    Answer to second question: Find out why she doesn’t stand out and fix it. Setting herself apart by being virtuous is like the tree falling in the forest. No one hears the sound waves, but they are present. If no one sees her virtue, it’s because no one is looking close enough. Fix that with better attire, alluring barn painting, feminine mystique, modest appeal, less opinionating, and more indirectness dealing with men.

    Extra answer: Work to make men curiouser and curiouser. It triggers their imagination and motivation to delve more deeply. That brings her virtue on stage for his notice.


  5. Guy,

    I think you have stumbled upon (or carefully excavated) an important missing element for most virtuous women in your above comment.

    I know some really quality Christian young women who are women of character and virtue. But, for whatever reason (maybe they believe it is not spiritual) they don’t “put themselves out there” and get noticed.
    Beyond standing out in dress and presentation, another way to stand out may be to get involved in important causes or projects. It is too easy for singles to fall into the routine of going to work and then going out with friends in their free time. Volunteering may be a way to not only make a difference in the lives of others but also “stand out” as a different kind of young person.

    What do you think?


    Your Delightfulness JillF,
    Your next to last sentence is right on about volunteering. My response grew to article size, so I’ll post it tomorrow as #887. Thanks for the inspiration.

  6. Denise


    I remain ever grateful that you tirelessly answer these questions. The answers never get old. If I may, I have another: You mention that a man will take the best of what’s offered him, even if he doesn’t feel that a woman is extraordinary. Given that men don’t need marriage, is this something that a man will do once he feels (for whatever reason) it’s time to “settle down”? It seems like men do reach that point…usually.

    Your Sparkliness Denise,
    You sparked a new article. My response grew in size, so I’ll post it tomorrow as #888. Thanks for the inspiration.

  7. anonymous

    Commitment is different than devotion…but what about the difference between romantic love type of devotion and enduring love/devotion? Wouldn’t a man in romantic love with a woman still feel devoted to her and act that way? How do you know if and when a man’s romantic love/devotion is replaced by enduring love/devotion? Don’t they look the same?

    Your Princesstial Highness Anonymous,

    They may look the same or different but it doesn’t matter. You can’t tell until romantic love fades a year or two after conquest. Devotion based on lust vaporizes and leaves two alternatives. Either faded commitment or enduring love/devotion previously built up and compounded. The latter is earned mostly by her feminine nature, character, and likeability that shows promise for him before their first sex together.

    Not to say that enduring love can’t build and compound after conquest, because it can. However, pre-conquest lessons learned about a woman more easily convince a man of her promise for his life with her.


    • Southernbelle

      Sir Guy
      What is your insight regarding a man who cheats and enters an affair shortly after getting married? I now know 2 “church-going” couples with this story, a third couple happened during engagement (she didn’t know until many years later) and all were mid-30s when married. It seems amiss to me to “step out” so soon after capturing the prize. Trying to see how men who seem good, upstanding and committed, “doing everything right” in the courting phase end up falling short so soon.Perhaps that’s just woman think though? Perhaps the woman changed more quickly once she “caught her prize”? I become more and more uncertain of my ability to adequately size up a man’s character when I hear of these situations.

      Your Highness Southernbelle,

      Marrying in mid-30s is an immediate cause. Men have too much experience with women who yield free sex. Men figure out from multiple opportunities with girlfriends how to cheat, not get caught, and still recover if things go wrong to the man’s self-interest. IOW, so much free sex is not only challenging but contains small risk and small price to pay for cheating. By delaying marriage, women lose their bearings on how to tame the male beast. Dishonoring wedding vows is now so popular and socially acceptable as to be almost exceptional when it doesn’t happen.

      Women collectively or individually are in charge only when they shape the cultural environment with female values, standards, and expectations. As they go, so goes men. By women not marrying in late teens, they indirectly generate the social and domestic environments that encourage men to cheat.

      Women must be different to tame the male nature into faithfully fulfilling female hopes and dreams. It starts with moms who help girls learn to achieve a good and hopefully eternal domestic relationship by building a family. Only girls and women with crossed legs can teach men anything about honoring the female nature enough to fulfill female hopes and dreams. (It’s fallout from Feminism and shortage of Femininity.)

      Men who marry at, say, 18-22 have little or no experience weighing risk vs. price they pay for cheating. Consequently, they perceive it threatening to their domestic situation to dishonor their vows. Of course, if lots of cheap sex is normal in society, even vows mean little compared to the lure of free sex to hunter-conquerors.


      • Southernbelle

        This is depressing

        Your Highness Southernbelle,

        Yes, it is very depressing. It’s the fallout from Feminism, planned by revolutionaries, and propagated by feminist logic, practice, and masculine style sexual freedom. IOW, men follow whatever value and standards that females follow.

        (I just again watched one of my favorite movies. Coming-of-age flick of young boys called “Summer of ’42.” It’s autobiographic of the screen writer. Slightly exaggerated for movie audiences, it depicts how teen boys are absolutely mystified by girls and treat them with the greatest respect. I grinned or laughed endlessly at how it copied the behavior of boys in my teen life, simply because girls used modesty and chastity to tame boys for purpose of helping each girl build a home and family.)


        • Southernbelle

          Thank you for sharing Sir Guy. I do love watching movies of days gone by just to see how the world used to be.
          I do recognize this trait in some men still in certain situations but it seems fleeting. Despite those of us who retain true feminine virtue may attract and fascinate men, but ultimately its the “other” kind of woman who capture both single and married men. It just seems like it’s a choice between staying committed to my faith in Jesus and His way or a husband . It just doesn’t seem possible to have both anymore.
          I am an optimistic, hopeful perThis is one area of life to the contrary.

          Your Highness Southernbelle,

          “but ultimately it’s the “other” kind of woman who capture both single and married men.” Sex is honey to all men, but they don’t return to the same hive with the sort of reliability that queen bees expect. It’s much easier to love sex with a woman than to love her as a person, and modern men are well-conditioned to prove it to themselves and their buds.

          First, men don’t respect women as a gender comparable to the male gender. Women have to be stronger, respectable, and more stubborn to earn respect and get what they seek with men or a man. Second, respect for a woman is essential for a man to love her. Third, respect for an attractive woman grows as she refuses conquest in order to preserve her most valuable asset. After conquest, a man’s respect quits growing because he paid her price to bed her. Yep, he needs to do nothing more to own their sexual agenda, which is to ‘own’ her without any deeper commitment required by him. Fourth, if sex is provided too early in a relationship, the man’s respect for the woman develops insufficiently for him to commit for life and perhaps even for marriage.

          Yes, many women are able to provide sex and keep their man (becoming rarer each year). But breakup and divorce rates show that not all of them can generate the respect of a man that turns him into a responsible, dependable, loveable husband after romantic love fades in a year or two or enduring love fades in a decade or two.

          You seem to get responses that don’t lead to progress for you. I suggest you change tactics with these new thoughts. You may already be using one or both. If so, change to something else, because what you are (most likely) saying doesn’t work for you:

          • Don’t talk so much. You need not tell a man everything; the less the better if he’s attracted to you. Except, of course, answer his questions briefly and truthfully but with the least words practicable. Then, invite him to continue to talk about himself.

          • Don’t cite Jesus or the Bible as the reason for not going to bed with a guy. Uphold those values but take the blame yourself for being strong minded. Make it you and your decisions that prompt refusal. Stick with your reasons but don’t express them. Also, don’t complain and don’t explain your beliefs, actions, intentions, or yourself. Make him do most of the talking and discover who you are over a longer period of time.


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