At the ABOUT page Her Highness Denise asked how best to break off from a man who’s “just not what we want?” The answer: Find out what YOU want and inform him casually—I repeat, casually—but in detail scary to men and meaningful to you.
Now, you can scare him off, tell him off, or send him off. A better way exists: Let him conclude you’re not Mrs. Right, so he can walk off with dignity. Whatever he concludes registers better than whatever you say or do. Get your act together and display it proudly as a woman he’s never known. Then watch him run from it.
First, redefine expectations for your life. The bullets that follow are an idealized model. They express female hopes and dreams and likely make men see that their qualifications are lacking. Either his future no longer harmonizes with yours, or yours with his.
Plan how you will convey the following to him discreetly but distinctly, calmly and casually. Holding his attention, you claim something like this:
- I changed my lifeplan and speeded up my goals. I want marriage and children sooner than planned.
- I finally got straight in my mind that Mr. Right must match my expectations as both husband and my children’s father.
- He needs virtuous character, admirable leadership skills, an ardent sense of responsibility, unwavering commitment, and strong work ethic.
- He must be appreciative of female sensibilities. If he can’t honor my gender as unique and different, he’ll never honor me as wife and mother.
- He needs to be devoted to Christ more than me, me more than him, and family more than anything else in the world.
- He will rule the family, but I will rule the home.
- When push comes to shove, he pushes the world, and I shove him.
- His cars and toys mean less to him than our kids.
- Our savings mean more to him than his toys.
- When he barks, I will jump. If I ever bark, he will cower.
Second, inform him casually of your new plan. When opportune, introduce the subject of life plans, and after some feedback, break out a sheet of paper on which your plan appears. Go down the checklist of your expectations similar to that above. Don’t explain why you’re doing it, but answer his questions about details.
Formality of paper, boldness of delivery, commitment to plan, and repetition add authenticity. It opens the door wide for him to drift away with dignity. (Or perhaps shift into full-devotion mode for you, because he wants you enough to rise to your expectations, but that’s another story.)
NOTE: Reviewing with Mrs. Guy, we perceived another use for a life plan idealized above. I’ll revisit it tomorrow at #1103.