1139. Affection ain’t Admiration


Wives often miss the mark praising husbands. They expect too much from hugs and kisses. They think affection transmits admiration, and it doesn’t. (Earlier articles 1136 and 1137 opened the subject of a man’s need for self-admiration, the root of his ambitions.)

Men receive different messages whether he’s liked or loved for who he is, admired for what he does, or both loved and admired. The proof lies with how pretty females treat him.

  • Good intentions often fail. She likes or loves him. She shows affection and love for who he is. She feels good. He perceives her interest, but it adds little if any glory to his persona. He feels good, but that’s neither admiration nor respect. He’s lucky and appreciates her, but he’s neither female nor as dependent on affection and love as is she. He interprets her affection and love as complimentary. She doesn’t reinforce and revitalize his self-admiration, however, and it longs for her specific confirmation deep within his motivational soul. Consequently, he turns inward to more independently fulfill his need for self-admiration, and it reduces her worth to him.
  • There’s a better way. She tells him or shows admiration for what he does. He pays more attention. His accomplishments generate self-admiration. Her confirmation reinforces his dedication to do more of the same, perhaps better, and perhaps win more admiration from her.
  • She switches tactics. She makes herself more important to him if she goes against the female grain: Don’t expect love and affection to confirm his accomplishments. Show admiration by taking interest in what he does, how he does it, and how it’s meaningful in life. Keep hugs and kisses focused on who he is to himself, her, kids, and others.
  • Pretty women take an interest. Other females interested in him don’t try to impress with love, affection, and other female-friendly emotions. They intuitively know to focus on what he does rather than who he is. How he’s admired rather than how he’s liked. Those females know to follow the feminine urge and inquire into his work, his accomplishments, his significance. It works too. Pretty and sometimes just interested women have little trouble holding a man’s attention. Right, girls?

Practically, who he is and what he does can’t be easily separated. The same applies for ‘like’ and ‘admire’. But separation explains how men respond to female initiatives. Female hugs, kisses, and exhilaration about a man’s accomplishments are not too meaningful to him. Exploring, acknowledging, and admiring his efforts are much more so.

In the harshest terms, depending on love and affection makes her feel good but not him. Praising his accomplishments makes him feel good but perhaps not her. We all do what makes us feel good about ourselves.

NOTE: Credit Her Highness Simplicity Evermore for this article. She inquired and I confused her in my comments. Efforts to clarify birthed this post.

15 Comments

Filed under How she wins

15 responses to “1139. Affection ain’t Admiration

  1. ladylike

    Dear Guy,
    I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to deal with the following problem: I feel that my fiance drives his car too fast. How do I broach the subject with him and ask him to drive slower? Do I state that I feel nervous or scared when he drives fast, and that I would appreciate it if he would drive slower? I’m not sure how to handle this. Hope you can help.
    Thank you.

    Your Beautifulness Ladylike,

    Don’t take the following as solutions. Take them as models of how pressures build and are rejected from which you can craft a solution.

    If you’ve not had sexual relations with him, go on the attack. Let him know you feel unsafe and want to discontinue the relationship (or some other threat) unless he changes. Be nice, polite, but determined to travel at slower speeds even when with him. You’ve only got until his conquest to convince him to change.

    If he’s already conquered you, he’ll magnificently resist change to please you. So, use indirectness, plant seeds, and praise his skills for providing safety for you. He must love you a lot to be so considerate as to slow down.

    Guy

    • The other day I used the following on my husband to get him to slow down: It was night, and there was a car parked along the side of the road; as we passed it, I remarked, “Good thing that wasn’t a cop!” He glanced at his speedometer and realized how fast he was going, and slowed down quite a bit.

    • ladylike

      Thank you, Guy! He hasn’t conquered me, so it makes the situation a little easier. I appreciate the advice 🙂

  2. listening

    Thank you, Sir Guy, this was really helpful information!

    I am grateful for Simplicity Evermore’s question for inspiring this post and to you for clarifying. Everyday I visit you all at WWNH and my understanding increases – I had NO idea what I did not understand about men! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  3. Simplicity Evermore

    This makes it so much easier to understand! I have been practicing. And reminding myself that it’s not so much who he is but what he does. And that doing amazing things make him an amazing person.

    Men > Put their self worth on what they do (Which determines who they are)

    Women > Put their self worth on who they are (Which determines what they do)

    I always wished guys came with a handbook. XD

    Your Stunningness Simplicity Evermore,
    Re a handbook, good idea. The material fills this blog but in an unfriendly form. I lack the talent, skill, patience, and enthusiasm to turn it either friendly or into a handbook.
    Guy

    • Simplicity Evermore

      Your right, it was a good idea. An excellent one. And Reina agrees with me! I do apologize. I didn’t mean to imply that you should go through any extra effort. If people want to keep it, they can just print it off.

  4. Reina

    Dear Guy,

    You’ve underestimated your efforts here.

    This is a handbook on men if there ever was one, and a pretty amazing one at that!

  5. HandsomeDarkKnight

    I have to completely agree on this.

    As a guy when I accomplish something, I like being recognized for it. When we talk to our boys and bring up goals, achievements, and targets met-fitness work, school, or sport, we celebrate with phrases such as “well done, boom, congrats…” Or we high five/fist pump, or chest bump each other if we accomplish something as a team. Just watch pro-athletes. When a player earns an individual bench mark, or plays out of his mind for a game/series the fans rise to their seats and won’t stop clapping and cheering his name until he signals a thank you for their admiration. When a team wins, they celebrate together in jubilation by piling on each other dumping gatorade on the coach, and spraying champagne everywhere.

    If a woman wants to show admiration for something I accomplished, you can be sure guys like myself notice and appreciate a simple “wow, good job, that’s awesome, you’re amazing” our egos get a nice boost.

    We like displays of affection, but we don’t like it when it’s received like an allowance for doing a chore or bringing home a good report card-that’s what tangible gifts or words of praise are for.

    Affection works best for us when you do it just cause you felt like you wanted to, and not out of obligation-we can sense the difference right away. If we pick up that you did it out of obligation, it stings.

  6. anonymous

    I can see the difference between affection and admiration. But what about “exhilaration about a man’s accomplishments “? Why is that not as effective? How is it different from admiring him?

    Your Highness Anonymous,
    Exhilaration makes you feel good more than it amplifies his sense of self-worth, which comes mostly from his self-admired accomplishment. Unless he thinks you overdo it, however, your likeability increases.
    Guy

    • HandsomeDarkKnight

      Admiration is important for us because we like being recognized without having to ask for it or overtly bringing attention to ourselves. Now if you want to combine the admiration with exhilaration, that would be even better-it feels good to know you’ve got a cheering section even if it’s just one person to share the glory with.

  7. My Husband's Wife

    EDITOR’S NOTE: I RESPOND IN CAPS TO your questions in lower case.
    Guy

    Merry Christmas and I hope you and your wife had a nice break with your family!
    I have a few questions that were triggered after reading this post:
    1. About admiration: Will the admiration from a woman to a particular man trump her virtue/character? Meaning: if she doesn’t have much dignity, self-respect, moral character etc. but does a good job admiring a man, will he forget about all her shortcomings? NOT LIKELY UNLESS HE COMES TO RESPECT HER FOR OTHER THAN VIRTUE (AKA WHAT HE ADMIRES) AND CHARACTER (VALUES THAT GUIDE HER ACTIONS).
    2. A friend’s husband has been “admired” by a woman and now he has developed a crush on her (he recently had lost his job so no surprise here) and fits the description above. He told his wife he wanted to buy her a gift for all her support during the rough time. In the end, came home with no gift. The wife (she said she trusts that he won’t cheat) suggests to the husband that he take her out for a drink instead of the gift. To me, I feel she went too far on suggesting a date–or–is this a wise method (reverse psychology) to curtail a husband’s crush on another woman? (I have read all your post about “the other woman” so this method my friend used added a new twist). What do you think about wife suggesting a date with her husband’s crush? IT’S TOO BIG OF A GAMBLE. HIS CRUSH SHOULD NOT BE REINFORCED BUT HIS GRATITUDE SHOULD BE ADMIRED. HOW ABOUT THE WIFE SHOWS HER GRATITUDE AND TELLS HUSBAND SHE WILL PROVIDE A GIFT FOR THE HELP PROVIDED HER MAN? THEN, THE WIFE SENDS SOME PEARS FROM HARRY AND DAVID OR SOMETHING SIMILAR WITH NOTE OF THANKS.
    3. The question above then leads me to this following question: What does a woman do if her husband makes an actual “date” with a girl that he thinks is attractive and he does tell his wife about it–but she does NOT want him going out with her alone. Does wife just say nothing and let him just go and hope all goes well? She does want to keep him. SHE SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT GO SILENT. GIVE HIM A HIGHLY FEMININE, MODEST, UNEMOTIONAL RESPONSE THAT HE EITHER CHOOSE HER OR THE OTHER WOMAN AND DO IT NOW. IF HE CAN’T BE LOYAL TO ONE WOMAN, HIS CHARACTER HAS CHANGED FROM WHEN SHE SELECTED HIM AS MATE, AND SO HE’S NOT WORTHY OF HER CONTINUED ALLEGIANCE. TWO WOMEN IN HIS LIFE IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE INTOLERABLE TO WIFE, AND HE HAS TO DECIDE WHO HE WILL KEEP.
    In general, I don’t know if other girls would be interested, but I’d be interested in hearing more about handling opposite sex friendships—for singles, singled and dating, and married couples. In my parents day, friendships between the sexes had barriers and weren’t so confusing as there seemed to be lines drawn. Now it’s all over the place and everyone is confused and it is a source of much pain in relationships. What women always hear that their husbands should be allowed to have female friends–and singles, it’s difficult for them too to know what to do these days!
    I REGRET THAT NO UNIVERSAL ANSWER IS AVAILABLE. THE COMPETITIVE NATURE OF MEN CRAVES FEMALE ATTENTION. THE FEMALE GENDER HAS ABANDONED MORAL AND RELIGIOUS VALUES AND BARRIERS HAVE BEEN ERASED. MALES ARE HIGHLY FAVORED TO GET THEIR WAY.
    AFTER MARRIAGE, IT’S TOO LATE TO WONDER WHAT TO DO EXCEPT EACH WIFE MUST FIGURE OUT WHAT WILL WORK BEST FOR HER. DURING COURTSHIP, MY ADVICE IS FOR WOMEN TO GET AGREEMENT ON THE SUBJECT AHEAD OF TIME AND DISQUALIFY GUYS THAT SHOW NO INTEREST IN KEEPING FEMALE STANDARDS.

  8. Ilovethisblog

    Dear sir,

    Can showing too much admiration for what he does instead of who he is come off as a bad thing? Such as flattery which men view as suspicious, or as flirting. Or can it never render negatively? I have just been wondering 🙂

    Sincerely,
    Ilovethisblog

    Your Highness Ilovethisblog,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    In answer to all your questions, delivery is everything. So, change your thinking about what and how you admire and it shouldn’t come off as unwelcome.

    1. Men don’t appreciate insincerity and flattery smacks of it.

    2. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, and unearned compliments come across that way. Not that they don’t appreciate such things, they just hold little meaning to him. So, the deliverer gains nothing.

    3. Some things are better left unsaid but just implied indirectly. Such as a big smile for being pleased by him. Or, you see another man do something gentlemanly and you comment to your man that it reminds you of his similar quality. Think of complimenting yourself for having him rather than complimenting him or telling him of your admiration.

    4. Think of admiration as not something he deserves or should know about, but find the small things that please you just for the fact that they please you. Don’t think of making him feel good. Find things about him that make you feel good. His ties are all so neatly tied. His trousers so freshly pressed. His teeth sparkle. His eyes always steady and clear. His ability to lay aside his job when not at work. His inability to quit before something is done. His steadfastness when things go wrong. His character when others question it. His strength under pressure.

    I presume you are married, but it doesn’t matter. You can adjust if single. A man’s primary motivation in life is to earn self-admiration, which he does in abundance and can be measured by his sense of satisfaction with his life. The admiration of other helps but isn’t necessary. That includes you. However, your role in his life is that much of his self-admiration comes from producing/providing/protecting/problem solving with you as the major beneficiary. So, your respect and gratefulness for his effort confirm his sense of self-satisfaction. Unlike women, men don’t need continual confirmation of their importance. The little things about him that you admire are the extra chow on the dinner table that makes him fat with love of you. By keeping little hints of admiration floating in the air of your relationship, you keep him alerted that you recognize his intrinsic value, remain grateful, and respect him enough to keep admiring what are little virtues to you. He knows that no one else examines him as deeply and so he’s pleased. To him, his love object thus delivers what he considers the real confirmations of her love.

    Guy

    • Ilovethisblog

      Dear Sir Guy,

      How are you so genius. 🙂 You’ve answered all my questions and more, I couldn’t be more thrilled with this new information. I’m not sure if you read this in response before, but to me, I thoroughly enjoy the way you word your blog it’s always so well mannered. It’s so nice to have a man provide such useful information in such a nice way. I’m so blessed to have found this blog. It is indeed a marvelous day and my pleasure to be aboard on this journey to WhatWomanNeverHear. 🙂

      Sincerely,
      Ilovethisblog

    • SouthernBelle

      Sir Guy would your guidance be any different in regards to showing admiration if not yet married?

      Your Highness Southern Belle,
      No, the process is the same except for this. As singles, admire a man for what he does for himself and everybody but you. As wife, add to it what you admire him for what he accomplishes that benefits ‘us’.
      Guy

      • Southernbelle

        Ok I think I understand but if I admire what he is to me or gives to me if that detrimental? For example that he’s a thoughtful gift giver, or how much he helps relieve some burdens in decision making.

        Your Highness SouthernBelle,

        Routine gratitude and ‘thank you’ is very appropriate. Don’t go overboard trying to load him down with your happiness. Don’t get overly affectionate/admiring before marriage. If you do, he thinks he’s got the game in the bag, you’ve been ‘earned,’ and you’re about ready to do what he wants. Not good if marriage is still in your thoughts.

        Your bf seems to be learning to like himself for pleasing you. If you’re too easy to please, how does he learn to appreciate himself for figuring out and learning what works best for you? If you have one level of affection/admiration that you display regardless of how you value the gift, he is pushed harder to figure you out, which rewards his effort and encourages him to continue trying, which is the pathway to devotion.

        Guy

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