1212. Boot Camp for Girls—Post-grad #3: Purity Rings?

Her Highness Cassy inquired about purity rings that friends bought at a “Silver Ring Thing” concert. Her friends want to “wear them so that they will attract Christian guys who will be attracted to the fact that they are saving themselves.” She asked what I thought.

She didn’t ask, but the question stared at me: Does a ring make the girl? Yes, a target! To bring up the subject of abstinence in front of guys is to open the subject of sex FOR them. Girls that abstain need everything else but that.  

  • Guys interested in an abstaining girl have to know with whom they stand. Curiosity will inflame their imagination to find out if she’s also virginal. They can’t help that. It’s nature.
  • Any visible symbol of sex-related matters immediately invites guy talk about personal things that lead to sex and endless inquiry about her status. She loses the advantage whether virgin or not.
  • If other guys know that a girl abstains, they won’t seek to be with her to exchange personal interests that could lead to relationships. Abstinence moves her out of their mainstream. She’s not in their ballpark, so she can go somewhere else to play. Thus, girls bypass many opportunities to deal with guys, both wanted and unwanted. They miss learning from experience how to identify Mr. Good Enough candidates with potential to become Mr. Right many years down the marital road.
  • A girl too tough to conquer isn’t appreciated except by two kinds of guys. Those that see great challenges in conquering girls too tough to conquer. And, her husband, who won’t join up with her for sometime or many years.
  • Anything a girl or woman advertises removes some mystery and it doesn’t help. Males advertise to prove their worth. Females don’t advertise so they can highlight feminine mystique, mystery unique.  
  • Girls that brag about abstaining appear desperate, a direct invitation for masculine exploitation.
  • If teachers of abstinence recommend symbols of commitment, keep it private and out of sight. Better yet, remember that a big difference exists between committing oneself and trying to convince others of it. So, let committed girls brag to their journal, or sleep with it under their pillow, instead of exposing their symbols to other boys and even girls.
  • Rings discourage long-lasting relationships. Boyfriends of girls that wear purity rings catch hell from buddies. Few adolescent boys tear themselves away from their friends and continue doing that for which they are ridiculed. I know, Christian boys aren’t supposed to do such things, but teasing and even ridicule can easily arise out of adolescent jealousy and envy. Most Christian boys aren’t mature Christians.
  • Boys don’t think about marriage as girls do. Teen rings just convince boys that a girl is aimed at marriage, so she’s not a challenge of beauty but someone to be wary of. She might lay traps.

Whatever men and boys conclude from what they perceive, they believe it much easier and deeper than what they are told by words or rings. Their conclusions embed in their heart. As most girls know, devotion flows from the heart. As with everything else personal, non-disclosure works best for a girl. It adds challenges for boys to decode and figure her out while they make themselves worthy of her.


Filed under How she loses

16 responses to “1212. Boot Camp for Girls—Post-grad #3: Purity Rings?

  1. Lilly of the valley

    I’d like to thank you for this post. You articulated some of my thoughts about purity rings in a way that I’ve wanted to, but somehow haven’t been able to.

    When I was fourteen, my father took me to dinner and presented me with a purity ring that he wanted me to wear on my left ring finger. The fact that several people at the restaurant thought that a man in his forties was proposing to a teenaged girl is a separate and embarassing matter!

    It was a beautiful ring and I wanted to wear it to please my father. However, when I wore it, it brought more discomfort than pleasure. People I didn’t know congratulated me on my engagement. Friends asked me to explain why I wore it. Many boys would look at me with interest, but when they saw the ring, they avoided me. Perhaps they knew it was a purity ring. Perhaps they assumed I was older and actually engaged (I was often mistaken for an 18 to early 20 year old). Who knows?

    I understood why my father got me the ring, and appreciated the gesture. However, I’d already formed my ideas about virtue. I didn’t need a ring to solidify them. To stop the intrusive questions that put me in a position of telling people more than I wanted to tell them, I stopped wearing the ring on my left finger. Sometimes I’d wear it on my right hand. My father wondered why. I didn’t know how to explain to him that it wasn’t because my virtue was in question, but because of the assumptions and questions the ring caused. I felt guilty for not wearing the gift he’d given me.

    Now I have a fourteen year old niece. She has her first boyfriend. I’ve told her about your blog and I’ve shared some of the things I’ve learned here that I wish I’d known at her age. One thing I often tell her is that her virtue is her business. She shouldn’t discuss it with her boyfriend. In my opinion, virtue speaks for itself. It does not need to be advertised.

    Another thought: I’ve heard many men in their 20s and 30s say that they will not approach a woman who wears a ring on her left hand because it may be a purity ring, BUT it might be an engagement ring. They say it is a risk they’d rather not take.

    Thanks again for your work on this blog!

    Your Dreamliness Lilly of the Valley,

    I dislike mentioning this but it resonates in my thoughts about female sexual freedom and how men react.

    Guys that steer away from left hand rings may do so for this reason. The ring sybolizes that her sex with bf must be superb or they wouldn’t be engaged. So why risk being seen as an underperformer should a guy score? Moreover, he could waste time trying to outperform the king?

    Ringless girls probably haven’t run into a man studly enough, so a man’s risk of being seen as underperformer is greatly reduced. More exciting, he knows he can show her top performance.

    Guys analyze all the angles and few are as important as those on the road to score.


    • Lilly of the valley

      Oh, goodness! I wouldn’t have thought about it from the angle you mention. Once again you provide proof that men and women are different and often analyze and approach things differently. Good to know!

  2. I am very glad you blogged about this. I have always wanted to know what it was that made me uncomfortable about presenting my girls with purity rings. Thank you.

  3. Wow, this is really profound Guy (once again:). Thanks for being so honest. We gave our first born daughter special party and called in a blessing ceremony (we told everyone it was similar to a Bat Mitzvah) and we asked moms and women to give her advice and encouragement about growing up. We also gave her a ring. She was really embarrassed. She wore the ring but I don’t think the day may her feel particularly special. It was too out in the open.

    We have never planned another one for our other daughters and I wasn’t sure why I was dragging my feet. I think I know why now. My girls don’t need an outward symbol to proclaim to the world where they stand.

    I wonder what your thoughts are on manhood-type ceremonies for boys? Again, we kept planning on one but our extroverted first born didn’t seem interested.

    Thanks for your wisdom.

    Jill Farris

    Your Exceptionalness Jill,

    I don’t think much of manhood-type ceremonies unless the boys have grown up in an environment that promotes ceremonies as part of daily or periodic life, such as the bar mitzvah. Growing up in such an environment conditions them to ‘earning’ their way into it. Your boy is not interested because he hasn’t earned his way into whatever you plan. Ergo, he doesn’t feel worthy and such recognition tends to embarrass at worst or cause unease at best.

    However, don’t think for a moment that I don’t endorse the effects of fathers blessing their sons in some formal rite of passage event. Boys need it. Fathers owe it. But I sense the ceremonial part is the disqualifier for boys not raised to expect it. (I took a private trip with each of two of our sons. Just the two of us together for a few days worked wonders and I viewed it then. Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t try to preach or teach them how to be better men. We just had fun together and exchanged many personal thoughts. We laid good groundwork for the future of all of us.)


  4. Thank you wise Guy ;).

    Jill F.

  5. BuckarooGirl

    How does one keep from being “too tough to conquer”.

    Your Gorgeousness Buckaroo Girl,
    To keep from being too tough? Be mysterious, reluctant to express opinions, smile a lot, encourage men to accomplish things, focus outside herself when around men that show interest. ‘Too tough to conquer’ means that her body language and voice tone discourage guys even before they get started getting to know her. She has a good argument, ready response, or demeaning quip that keeps guys from getting ahead of her thinking. She refuses to let men lead her even into innocent or well meaning directions.

    • BuckarooGirl


      • Lilly of the valley

        I like that question, Buckaroo Girl!

        I’m trying to understand exactly how being “reluctant to express opinions” works. How does a woman do that without seeming dull or wishy-washy?

        Would you mind expanding more on how a woman might “focus outside herself when around men that show interest”?

        Your Darlingness Lilly of the Valley,
        She smiles, says as little as practicable, tries to generate interest by tying a response to something a guy can interpret as favorable to him or admirable of him. She won’t be very dull or wishy-washy if she sparkles with light heartedness, fun, and being likeable. Remember, in the early stages a guy’s not after you but aiming for conquest. On the other hand, dont’ worry about dull or wishy-washy. If he doesn’t appreciate you that way, you don’t have anything else that appears promising. Be yourself first and try to bring him out rather than focusing on yourself and how he reads you.

    • Krysie869

      For the longest time I was “Too tough to conquer”. Maybe due to insecurity or being too quiet, I don’t know. I definitely have been one to have very little body language when approached by men, especially in the past. I am getting a little better at being more “open” around men. I am sure this is a good reason as to why I am still single to this day. I still notice that being less tough is much more possible around men whom I perceive has better character than others at least according to how they treat me especially and others. For example, if a guy does something nice to me unexpectedly, I will think nice of him and be more friendly around him naturally. On the other hand, if a guy tries to guilt me or he lacks interest in me or tries put me down subliminally, I tend to freeze up around him because my instincts feel threatened. The same phenomenon is true with women as well.

    • krysie869

      Sir Guy,

      I have a question for you too. I have been approached by men who it appears expect me to lead conversation with them. I feel uncomfortable doing so. For example, a man would approach me, ask me questions or tell a short story, and I would respond. There is then a brief silence with him staring at me either annoyed or with no emotion. Why? Why would a man expect a woman to continue conversation with them? He is the one who approached me? Normally I would just walk away awkwardly. Am I doing something wrong? It seems in my case it is VERY difficult to have a man approach me and take the lead. I have met some men who appear to take the lead in conversation, but in my experience that is very rare.

      Your Highness Krysie869,

      I can’t explain what you describe. But, men expect encouraging rather than silent feedback when they start a conversation with someone. If none, they perceive no interest and move on.

      Methinks you still worry too much about inconsequential or impenetrable things. Just do things differently than you have done in the past. Find out what happens when you get out of your comfort zone.


  6. Cassy

    Thanx for this insightful post Sir Guy, I was already thinking along the same lines about this purity ring thing and glad that I’m now certain of the best way to go about it

  7. Grace

    I’ve always thought that those purity rings were a ridiculous invasion of privacy. I hope that they go out of style soon.

  8. kaikou

    can you explain focusing outside herself?

    Your Highness Kaikou,

    I explained it to Her Highness Lilly of the valley in a nearby comment.

    She smiles, says as little as practicable, tries to generate interest by tying a response to something a guy can interpret as favorable to him or admirable of him. She won’t be very dull or wishy-washy if she sparkles with light heartedness, fun, and being likeable. Remember, in the early stages a guy’s not after you but aiming for conquest. On the other hand, dont’ worry about dull or wishy-washy. If he doesn’t appreciate you that way, you don’t have anything else that appears promising. Be yourself first and try to bring him out rather than focusing on yourself and how he reads you.”

    If not clear enough, let me know.


  9. hannah830

    I just wanted to comment at the end of this excellent series to say that everything I have read is wisdom from the spirit, a breath of fresh air, and has helped me in so many areas of my life, not just in my relationships. Being 17 and having the opportunity to gain so much knowledge in the area of relationships and understanding guys and girls is an incomparable and rare blessing. I look forward to every post and enjoy discussing practical applications of the principles you draw out with members of my family. My goal is to find the patterns and connections in what you teach and allow them to become so engrained in my heart, mind, and attitude that they become second nature.
    Actually, I am very curious as to what you think about relationships that take place, in a large part, over Facebook and other social networking sites. Especially since it’s one of the primary ways teens communicate with friends,I didn’t know if you had any guidelines, do’s and donts, or general rules for etiquette as regards relations that take place through instant messaging over chat, statuses people write, pictures people post and comment on, and just overall the different ways teens communicate over social networking sites like Facebook.

    Thank you so much for sharing your insight every day,

    Your Highness Hannah,

    Facebook suckers females into full disclosure and puts them at extreme disadvantage dealing with males. If you’ve not seen what I say about full disclosure, try the series “Sex and the Fickle Girl” and search for the term in other articles.

    Girls learn on Facebook to do any number of wrong things. Then, through ignorance, they duplicate bad habits for life. If you want to help Hannah, get off, stay off, and make boys and men come to you by paying some price of yours to get there. Mystery attracts masculine interest; knowledge kills curiosity.


  10. Joy

    I agree that purity rings and sometimes the whole abstinence concept can seem a bit shallow. It’s like icing without the cake as a foundation. We have a son, not a daughter. But we want him to respect women, and understand how God made men and women different. My son is still a bit young for the birds and bees talk, but my husband is planning to take him on a Passport2Purity weekend and then present him with a symbol from their weekend (that they’ll keep private between them). Our friends who were dreading “the talk” did this with their kids and highly recommend it: FamilyLife.com/Passport2Purity

    Your Highness Joy,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    I took the liberty of hot linking the site you mentioned.


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