1397. Men Learn to Please Women

Men show their love by dedication to job and family. Restricted to that, a husband makes wife feel taken for granted. She expects to see his love expressed as she shows it, by showing attention, affection, and appreciation. But he fails at that expectation; he’s just not made that way. The closest he gets to it is by frequently surprising his woman. Small actions carry his feelings wrapped more in the thought than the gift or whatever. If he tries to please her, whether she’s pleased or not, she has seen his love expressed. She may ask for more but is unlikely to get it. He’s a man, and men pride themselves for keeping their feelings under control and mostly to themselves.

Nature pressures men to please females for sex but little else. But hope never ends. The process to make men enthusiastic about pleasing their woman rises out of being able to please wives and daughters easily and successfully. Females have to teach it in three earlier phases of life. (Selfishness and self-centeredness often interfere, but that’s another story.)

Development of one boyhood habit starts the lessons. Fathers exemplify it and mothers teach how to please the woman of the house. Boys repeatedly please mom and receive her pleasant reassurances. The habit forms and boys learn the connection that women provide rewards for pleasing them. Further, boys are taught to respect and please sisters by making them feel important and worthy of affection. When sisters reciprocate with admiration, boys are hooked. When boys learn those lessons at home, they later start their own families well prepared for breeding family success. But it’s not enough.

Girls help close the gap. Never having been a girl, I take great risk announcing this but Mrs. Guy confirms: Adolescent girls want most out of life to see boys trying to please them. Dreaming continually about it inspires girls to learn more about boys than boys ever learn about girls. Female mystery prompts and further promotes the drive within boys to please females. The better girls teach boys to please them, the more skilled and enthusiastic those boys will be as husbands. The secret: Success at pleasing females pleases guys, and we all do more of those things at which we are successful.

However, out of political and pop culture pressures, modern girls and single women reverse the process. They please men before marriage and men don’t appreciate unearned gifts or respect unearned givers. After marriage, women expect to be pleased instead of pleasing so eagerly. They become different than whom he married. But their husbands have been taught that female rewards come without pleasing a woman. So, the female game of please-to-capture and marry-to-become-pleased backfires.

Whatever promising habits form in boyhood, the mental conditioning breaks down when females please males with unearned sex. As women go, so goes society. As women please men before marriage, men don’t please women afterward. Husbandly and fatherly enthusiasm never rises very high.


Filed under Dear daughter

4 responses to “1397. Men Learn to Please Women

  1. Cassy

    Hi Sir Guy
    At the moment I’m feeling so caught between my parents . . . and its making me feel confused about the outlook I have on my own life going forward. When I was small we were quite a happy family unit but now my parents are just positively miserable with each other.

    On the one hand, with the help of your blog, I’ve started to see things from my dad’s side differently, that he shows he loves us by plodding through long hours at a job he absolutely hates, doing overtime he isn’t paid for and picking up other people’s slack . . but he comes home and bites my mom’s head off all the time.

    I’ve been trying to help my mom with your advice and stuff, but she just seems to be in a hole all the time. She’s very depressed and bitter against my dad coz he doesn’t give any affection or tries to please her, and I often sense my dad is bitter against us by being locked in a job in order to provide for us, our educations and everything. He’s often said he wished he could buy land by the coast, but my mom is super against selling and starting from scratch at their age. But at the same time, we live in a house my dad built but has not properly finished and he has no motivation to come home and work on the house coz he hates being here and that is driving my mom crazy.

    I’m trying hard to figure things out and find answers so I can go forward and know the choices I make wont land me up in the same situation. My mom grew up in a christian home, and was very virtuous, feminine, modest and well groomed when my dad meet her . . . she didn’t please-to-capture him by providing sex. But she grew up with a very harsh, authoritative, law imposing father and she’s never had much self esteem at all. She’s always keeping the peace, and while they were dating, if my dad yelled at her or broke something or flew into a temper she would just remain quietly submissive – is that where everything went wrong? Coz lately she’s been trying to stand up for herself but I supposed now he figures she’s changed after marriage?

    I’ve learned that adopting the defensive feminist I’ll-get-by-by-myself attitude is wrong, but at the same time I kind of understand why some women get like that. Its not coz they all are evil and want to wreck society, but sometimes closing off feminine feelings seems like a safer bet coz becoming all super feminine makes you want to sit around dreaming about prince charming like some of my other super girly friends do. And my dad has never said he loves me, if he did I don’t remember it . . and he never ever hugs me. It doesn’t bother me though. I do recognize he cares as he puts a lot of effort into getting things I need for my studies. Thing is, my other christian girl friends have all these expectations of how they want their dude to propose and romantic gestures and I’m wondering, by looking at my parents, is it not better to just forget and close off your desires for being cuddled? Or am I just allowing my parents to affect me negatively?

    Sorry if this message is really long, just got a lot on my mind.

    Your Highness Cassy,

    Don’t take what follows as gospel. Take it as a model from which you figure out the best way to do it.

    Take your dad on a few dates, preferably a weekend for just you two. If you can, you pay for it and show him a good time at your expense. Insist that he go. Do well what only you can do for dad. Give him a daughter’s unique form of fun, happy time, and love. (Daughters lack mom’s emotional baggage from the past, so don’t go with the intent of defending her.)

    Dad should see that you need help. Purpose: To get his advice about brightening YOUR future, how to handle boys, guys, men, husband, or whatever. You want to find out how you should handle the aches and pains as they arise in your upcoming life. You want to see beyond the shining knight on beautiful steed, both before and beyond the altar. Don’t use examples from your parents’ living together. Don’t complain, explain, or accuse either parent and don’t mediate for them. Just inquiringly and indirectly as possible ask how you should respond when certain things happen to you. Sample questions:

    • I feel that if I lose respect for him, then I should just get rid of him? You agree? Know a better way? How important is respect anyway?

    • How can I tell if he loses respect for me? How can or should I even try to recover?

    • How legitimate are my dreams compared to his? What determines who wins that battle? Will it likely be a deal breaker if we can’t agree on our long range goals?

    • What if he doesn’t want to have children? What if he wants me to work outside the home when I wish not to?

    • What if he develops a short-fuse temper with me? Did I do something wrong? Did he change for some reason other than me?

    • What is the most important thing or things I can do to prevent his turning sour on our marriage.

    • How can I tell what causes it when he becomes stressed out?

    • How can I tell if he truly loves me? What will stir him to keep showing me?

    • How can I tell when I’m not pleasing him? What do men expect over and above cooking, housekeeping, and other nesting responsibilities?

    • How can I settle disputes if he doesn’t want to negotiate?

    • If I see signs of unhappiness in him, where should I most likely look for the cause and remedy?

    • What if our desire to please each other wanes for either him or me? How could I change the balance back to what we had before marriage?

    If he tries to bring mom into the picture, that is make the discussion go personal, beg off. Don’t let him do it. Keep yourself out of their marriage. Change the subject back to your future although the subjects may continue to stir interest in his marriage.

    Dad will be surprised that you can anticipate running into the very conditions that he now experiences but didn’t anticipate. It may start him thinking….

    Cassy, you get the point. Make up more questions about conditions you will likely encounter in your marriage. Then, ask father for his advice. (Take your list of questions on the date. If he starts to withdraw from discomfort, start working directly from the list so that he sees you’re not nearly done. A good father exhibits courage if needed to assuage his daughter’s concerns.)

    Continue the dialogue after the date is over. Stay in touch with dad frequently about the issues above and consequences that you imagine you’ll encounter.

    REMEMBER: Don’t complain, explain, or accuse either parent and don’t mediate for them. Keep yourself and the discussion apart. Just inquiringly and indirectly as possible ask how you should respond when certain things happen to you.

    Then, do the same with your mother. When you do it, your dad should be reassured that you won’t be talking about him or them and you must not let your mother do it either.


    • Miss A

      Sir Guy’s advice is very wise. I was once in a position like Casey’s, caught between my parents, and was negatively affected by my mom’s disappointments and blames towards my dad. It is important to know that we are different people than our parents, and at some point, one has to draw the line and stop being the mediator, or identifying too closely with our parents’ emotional baggage. After some years of struggle, I was finally able to relate to each of my parents in different ways, and not taking sides. Usually, dads get the short end of the stick and we side with moms because men simply don’t complain as much as women do to get sympathy (for years I was angry with my dad). The best thing I did was to re-connect with my dad and asked for advice in my personal relationships. Now he approves of the man in my life and that means everything to me. Over time, he also voluntarily acknowledges, without my interfering, that mom (with all her emotional baggage towards him) is his responsibility (since they are still married), and not mine. Good luck, Casey.

    • Cassy

      Okay, Thanx Sir Guy

      I have once or twice tried to ask him a question and even told him a bit about you 🙂 I speak about relationships all the time with my mother but with my dad it gets really awkward haha

      Your Highness Cassy,
      That’s why I suggested you get him off on date or weekend where he can’t get away but you can overcome the awkwardness. (I presume you do have the typical female trait of being about to overcome awkwardness usually by using feminine charm.)

  2. I have to say, youve got one of the finest blogs Ive observed in a lengthy time. What I wouldnt give to be capable of make a blog thats as fascinating as this. I guess Ill just need to keep reading yours and hope that 1 day I can write on a topic with as considerably understanding as youve got on this one!

    Your Highness Latia Minnick,
    Welcome aboard. Its a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

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