1398. Quit Worrying About Infidelity!


Her Highness Anon at 1394 described her misery this way: “I’m just so terrified of infidelity. Both my parents cheated, it’s so rampant in our culture. … I feel like I’m living in such a lost generation.” Her terror is justified. Infidelity is rampant. Her generation has lost its ability to hold onto men. So, what else is new? I’ll tell you. Women have also lost their ability to both prevent and recover from unfaithfulness. They pay attention to all the wrong things.

I mentioned her misery to a very mature, single, 28-year old, male college coach. He responded immediately with these 33 words: “She will turn very insecure and keep freaking out and over analyzing every move her husband makes. She will drive him into the arms of another woman and be divorced within 5 years.” I will use more than 33 words to describe why her life will likely turn out at least similar to that.

Women don’t want to hear it, but she makes it more likely that she or her man will cheat. Other than purposely pushing him or cheating herself, the worst thing she can do is worry about it.

Our subconscious mind takes us toward what we think about. The mind doesn’t know the difference whether something is good or bad, wanted or unwanted by us. The mind only knows to take us toward what we think about the most. The more we think about something, the more it guides and subconsciously nudges us in that direction. Worry keeps us focused on one thing, and our mind pushes and sometimes drags us kicking and screaming toward what we don’t even want. It manifests clearly in teen girls so anxious to have boys please them that they begin pleasing boys as if it’s the same thing. Sorry to describe it so glaringly, but God designed, Nature endows, and hormones energize our subconscious minds to operate that way in background mode.

Consequently, Anon worries a lot about her cheating or even not cheating, and the mind doesn’t know the difference. It pushes her toward cheating. If she worries about her man cheating, the subconscious works against her again. Only this time, her attitude (reflection of the subconscious mind) displays her concern and she does and says things that send messages to her man that he’s not trusted. It weakens his dedication to vows, devotion to her, and makes other women more attractive.

Women handle infidelity more easily than men. With men, it’s a deal breaker. If his woman cheats just once, she’s totally dead in his heart. With women, even their man’s serial infidelity can be tolerated. Not saying women should but they can. To women, emotional faithfulness outweighs physical unfaithfulness. Consequently, the nature of women makes them more flexible than men, more able to recover, and therefore less needful to worry. If they worry less, they get less of whatever they no longer worry about. Make sense?

13 Comments

Filed under How she loses

13 responses to “1398. Quit Worrying About Infidelity!

  1. Anon Again

    Last night before bed, I was thinking about all this and I imagined what it would be like if I just let go and trusted, no questions. I pictured my boyfriend being my husband and coming back to me after a boys night or after having gone somewhere, and how it would feel to truly TRUST. I’ve not been there yet but what I saw myself feeling was a level of peace i have not experienced, and it made me think, what have I to lose by trusting? How could a man not be happy with a woman who trusts him? I guess there is always the possibility that any of us with be unfaithful (or any other sin). We all have that ability, just like we all have the ability to murder, but do we? Maybe infidelity isn’t the very worst thing that could happen? It’s still high on my list of scary and bad things, but I’m unfaithful to the Lord daily, and He always takes me (and the rest of the church) back. When you said modern women have not learned how to prevent and recover from infidelity, it made me go hmpph! Should we have to learn to recover? What about men, should they have to? Women have dropped the ball big time. We want equality when it was never intended. It’s like solving poverty, not even possible! Being the weaker vessel is NOT an insult, it’s a privilege and an honor setting women apart as special in a way men are not!! Thank you for all you do, Sir Guy.

    • wow

      Speak for yourself, I am not a weaker vessel, that is just you and other people who think they are weaker.

      Your Highness Wow,

      Her Highness Anon Again does speak for herself and within the spirit of this blog, the theme of which is the different natures of men and women before their emotional, experiential, religious, or other influences influence their behaviors.

      You might get a better picture if you read the ABOUT page and study the posts 702-705 or, and better yet, follow the introductory guide at WWNH University at blog top.

      No hard feelings and have a great day.

      Guy

  2. N

    good self-inquiry there! I am taking it to heart. Thanks AA! ~N

    Your Highness N,
    Welcome aboard. Its a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy

  3. gcs15

    dear sir guy
    how can we protect ourselves from cheating? trust is a thing that has to be earned not automatically given…i know you will say “look at his actions and see if they match his words”…but in my 4yr LTR the guys actions DID match his words until i innocently looked at his cell phone and saw he had been texting another woman… then i caught him online “cyber cheating” chatting with other women and inviting them to his place for dinner…he claimed this was “entertainment” and meant nothing and promised he would stop…he claimed he didnt know how much it was hurting me (he never met any of those women but thats not the point)… i believed him and for a while he kept his word…

    then i caught him with a (married) woman he claimed was his “friend” but i found out he was contacting and flirting with her behind my back and invited her for dinner and she went to his house…to my knowledge there was no sex but obviously that would have been the next step… so i ended the relationship…he tried to win me back by saying he should be forgiven because he didnt actually have sex with her…i told him the the trust is broken because he lied and what he did was cheating in my book…

    i know now this is HIS issue…his immaturity…but this side of him was so hidden i didnt know it was there until it was too late…in MOST other ways our relationship was good…i watched him like a hawk for words/actions to be congruent…and i still got fooled…

    so my question sir guy is – if in all ways his words and actions are congruent and he claimed i was “perfect” and did everything he wanted in a relationship yet still did these things behind my back…how can we ever be sure?? i trusted him until there was evidence NOT to trust him… he always kept his word… was on time…etc…i didnt “freak out” when he talked to women so i dont believe i somehow i pushed him to it… how can we know before its too late?
    as always, many thanks
    ps … i wasnt paranoid about cyber cheating or any type of cheating in my marriage or this LTR when i went into it…but i am now…NOW i feel like i WILL attract it because its happened…NOW I feel like “whos he texting?” “how do i know if there are other women?”…how do i get past that??

    Your Highness Gcs15,

    You’re asking for the impossible. You can’t know ahead of time. Your best options are these:

    1. Trust completely and unconditionally until you see evidence that you shouldn’t. Then decide what to do. (As you so clearly describe it, emotional fidelity is more important to a woman than physical fidelity which men value so much. That’s why he argued against your deal-breaker with his claims of abstinence with other women. Men don’t relate to the female’s need for emotional fidelity.)

    2. Learn, recall, remember what teen behavior is like for males. Watch for adolescent behavior in your next guy of interest. The more he fits the adultolescent mold, the more likely either emotional or physical infidelity will follow.

    Of course, many adultolescents can keep their immature values and beliefs hidden from view of sex targets. So, you just have to trust them unconditionally until you no longer can.

    Guy

    • gcs15

      thank you again sir guy
      “adultolescent” is the word of the year for me!

      its been a long time since i was a teenager…do you have any articles or tag words i can search your blog for teen behaviour in adult males? obviously i got fooled by an adultolescent so i must not be as good a judge of character as i thought i was! 🙂

      Your Highness Gcs15,
      Try these series listed in the CONTENTS page:
      • Adolescence in Adulthood
      • Adolescent Thinking Darkens Adult Life
      • Adolescent to Adult
      • Adult Mistakes ….
      • Adults Escape Blame….
      Happy reading.
      Guy

  4. Blah

    No, physical and emotional cheating are equally bad and both pretty much mean that the guy has the exact same low level of respect for his partner. Either would be devastating. Physical scares me more, though, as I’d really rather not die from AIDS.

    Your Highness Blah,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy

  5. Maria

    Hello Sir Guy,
    Well, not to agree with blah on a blah level, but it does seem to me that physical betrayal *can* be just as devistating as emotional betrayal to women these days. It may just be that women, who are becoming increasingly perverse and masculine through fornication as teenagers, are ruining this ability to overcome the physical so easily, precisely because of the experiences of fornicating.
    I am 27, and I starting sleeping around at the age of 14. When I first met my husband, I slept with him on our second date. The reason he called me later is that he was 26 and I was only 17, and he both felt bad and was a little worried I’d get him in trouble if he didn’t stick around for a while after that. That gave me some time, and we really did fall in love. I fought him like a maniac on everything, however, and our relationship began to get uncomfortable. I started flirting with other guys and at one point, when we were in a “fight”, I invited another guy over. I didn’t sleep with him, but I did cheat a little. My husband (then boyfriend of less than a year) tried to break up with me after I confessed to it, but I begged and pleaded and apologized, and then he consented to stay with me, although he never truly forgave me.
    We married and had our first child two years later. Three sons and six years after marriage, he was still going out and getting drunk now and then with his friends, even though I was trying in every way to become a feminine woman, to be a good mother to his sons, and to be a good housewife. When it carried out too late into the night, I couldn’t help but flip out and fight with him. Here I was, much younger, devoting my life to nursing our babies and being with them 24/7, and he still couldn’t grow up and stop behaving like a single 20 year old. He had his good excuses, but this is my point of view.
    One night, only a year-and-a-half ago, he didn’t come home until 4 a.m. and when he got there, I saw that he had been dropped off around the corner so I couldn’t see who it was. Even with all of this, I did not believe he had cheated on me, although I was furious and did fight with him about it. I asked if there were women around but he lied and I believed him. Then, just six months ago, he was betrayed by a so-called friend and I got a text from some whore saying that he had slept with her. I still didn’t believe it, even though I she knew the details of the way he was dropped off that night. I couldn’t believe that he would take me so for granted, after all this time and devotion, after how much I had changed from a feminist-destroyed woman to a lady…
    After a few days I had to face the truth. I used my newly acquired feminine tactics to get a full confession out of him. Believe me, he was determined to lie about it to the bitter end, even if it meant I was going to leave him! But I coaxed it out. He basically got raped, ridiculous as that sounds considering that he’s a really strong, tough man. She was a desperate whore, a single mother that didn’t give a damn about his wife and 3 small kids at home waiting for him. She didn’t even do a good job. He didn’t “finish”, because he felt so guilty and sick about it as it happened. Sorry to have to mention that, but it’s a physical aspect of what happened that makes me feel a little better. He’s the one that used the emotional, “It was nothing- I didn’t care about her at all! I love YOU!” aspects to try to defend himself.
    It’s been VERY hard for me to forgive, and the feeling of being physically betrayed has been just as upsetting to me as the emotional betrayal. If I wasn’t Catholic, I don’t know if I would have the strength to be faithful to him anymore. I know that what I did at age 17 hurt him pretty badly, but I didn’t break any marriage vows or knowingly betray our children. We had gone without fornicating for a year before marriage, with one foreshadowing “accident”, and I thought we were becoming “pure” together.
    There was almost nothing “emotional” in the way he cheated aside from the complete disrespect and indifference he obviously had toward me. It does hurt enormously to realize that I was the only one really in love for all those years. G.K. Chesterton says, “You can never really begin to love something until you realize that you could lose it”. It definitely seems that only now, my husband is beginning to love me. It has been a huge improvement in our relationship. He has been treating me quite a lot better then he used to. But it has still had a terrible effect on me.
    I was so impure when I was young, so perverted for a girl. I worked hard to overcome it when we got serious about our relationship. I had probably reached a level 9 on a scale of 1-10 in purity! Well, maybe an 8. I was really trying and improving. But ever since this happened, I’ve been so haunted by this girl, having had the unfortunate ability to find her on facebook (my account is now deleted) and so furious! I’ve pictured what happened, what she did, how he reacted, a thousand times probably, always wondering just what happened in detail. And thinking about her has dragged me into her sick way of life, just as you describe, kicking and screaming. I’ve become slutty in my thoughts again. I’ve become obsessed with sex and pornography again. It’s only been about 2 weeks since I’ve managed to stop heading down this road, after making a sincere confession at church. I’m trying to turn my thoughts back to Our Lady. She’s what got me to where I was before. Thinking of the ultimate woman seems to be the only way to achieve true femininity for a girl so lost as I have been. But even today I had to break down and cry over the way it all hurts.
    I don’t think the average woman is going to be able to forgive like she used to. I know that I’m giving it my best, most sincere effort, and it’s taking all of my strength. If it had been any worse I really don’t think I would have been able to overcome it. God never gives us more than we can handle. He also gives us powerful grace. I am now pregnant with our fourth child, and we just found out that it’s our first girl. We’ll have a daughter, and this motivates me to become more feminine, which means more pure, than ever.
    Sorry to go on so long. The things you said really spoke to my heart. Thank you for your awesome blog.

    Your Highness Maria,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    You’re doing a good job of figuring out what went wrong and what goes right. May I suggest five things as most important now.

    1) Refurbish your heart and mind about yourself both figuratively and literally. Adopt as a new habit the concept of “pretty time.” The hows and whys are described in article 806 and 1146.

    2) Try your best to forget the past. To do it, you must forgive both him and especially yourself so you can forget that which still haunts you.

    3) Think on this: Preservation of your marriage depends on you much more than him. You have the superior interest and ability to figure out what needs to be done differently.

    4) Improve yourself next. Spend time studying the current series on women finding happiness, the articles 1808 through 1812.

    5) Follow up by studying articles about respect, and learn to treat him as every man expects to be dealt with by his spouse.

    With such a dreadful life behind you, virtually any change embellishes your future. We all make mistakes. That’s why recovery is everything. The first step to solving a problem is clear definition of the problem and your story above reads like you’ve done that. I’ll pray that recovery overtakes your marriage.

    Guy

    • Maria

      Thank you, Sir Guy,

      I will go through your steps here and find out what I’m not doing already. I’m sure there is plenty! Your blog has already helped me so much. Last night I was able to really explain my situation to myself in WORDS for the first time. It helps so much to have the language that fits. I read several articles of yours about infidelity and now I just know. I know exactly what he’s been doing all these years and I know what I’ve done wrong. And now, like you say, I need to forgive, forget, and recover.

      I am a very pretty girl, and I have thought for some time that my impurity comes from vanity. I’m starting to think that it’s less from my vanity and more from my lack of true self-respect. I spend quite a lot of time on my looks. Maybe what you’ve written has some caution against that, but I’ve read some things and I felt encouraged about keeping myself looking nice.

      I will keep #3 on my mind. I’ve already done some “right” things with more confidence and decisiveness thanks to your advice. I have not been harping on him about all that I’ve realized (over one night- yes, I was up most of it). I said a few short sentences about how determined I am to keep and defend my self-respect, for the love of Christ, and strongly hinted that I can see through all the lies he’s told in the past. What he did was somewhere between getting a prostitute and watching porn, and along with it he was flirting with random women all the while. I sensed it off the women, but he always reassured me that I was wrong. Anyway, I’m not going into ANY details with him. I’m letting him think about it himself so his own guilt can take affect. And I can already tell, it’s working.

      I will do number 4 and refresh on number 5, for sure. Thank you for taking the time to read my long posts and give such wonderful advice. Your blog really is a blessing. You can consider the time you spend on it as a percentage of your tithing! 😀

      Love,
      Maria

      Your Highness Maria,

      You’re right. It’s not your vanity but lack of self-respect. I suggest that you develop new habits of maintaining your prettiness by using ‘pretty time’ as I describe it in #806 and #1146. The charm of female prettiness doesn’t come from her outward appearance but from her heart and inner thoughts.

      Check out posts 1778 and 1779 about vanity. Then check out articles on self-respect, 1714 and even 1173. Then, I suggest posts 1747 through 1758 for a clearer description of just how the male and female natures coexist. You’re a quick learner, so you shouldn’t discourage easily.

      Lastly, I recommend you start a handwritten ‘gratitude journal’ and record daily all that you find to be grateful for. Don’t repeat unless the stimulant was different. And don’t record negatives of any kind. You’re already far ahead in the recovery game, and a journal will immensely accelerate your progress.

      Guy

    • faithy

      im sorry but…i cant stand when one woman who describes herself as “impure” and “perverse” in her youth because of fornication can call another woman a “whore” so easily? especially since u said u slept w/ ur husband on the second date? why are u so judgmental when u have been in her shoes? why cant u understand?

      • Maria

        I never raped a man, nor would I have tried to after being told that he was married with three small children. That’s a whorish thing to do, if anything is. Not only that, but this girl is literally a whore. She lives on “sugar daddies”. She lists her job on fb as “nun”.
        Aside from those facts, though, it is what gave me the strength to forgive her. When she was sending me harassing texts, rocking my world as I knew it and doing it as harshly and ferociously as possible, I saw her pain, and remembered and related to that, and I told her that I hoped she would turn to Our Lady and become the beautiful woman she deserves to be. I told her I forgave her. That’s the only reason she stopped harassing me, and getting her to stop wasn’t even the reason I said it. I meant it. But a whore is a whore. I consider my old self a slut. I never was quite at whore level, hurting marriages, but I was certainly a slut.

  6. Maria

    Thank you for your encouragement. I love reading your posts and I certainly will. And last night I started recording in a journal that my husband actually got for me last mother’s day. I got rid of everything negative I had in the pockets that I was planning to use in it (it’s also a photo book). I’m excited about it. I woke up early, stretched, and got some “pretty time” in, for me, and it did make me happier to start my day. Thank you again.

  7. Guy,
    Great article.I would love to use it on my blog and ebook. I will credit the source of course. I’m a detective trying to help women who need it when it comes to infidelity. I enjoyed the article and I think I could use it. Let me know… Will

    Will,
    Thanks for asking, Sir. Yes, approved. I ask that you keep any quotes in context from which they are taken.
    Guy

  8. Maria

    Will’s quote prompted me to re-read this article. I wrote about my husband’s one time cheat up above a few months ago. I have since gotten over the physical aspect and I am doing much better with purity. My beautiful little baby girl has arrived, so I have much better things to do.
    Anyway, I know I have forgiven this because I don’t have any hatred in my heart toward that girl. HOWEVER, there was another girl involved. Both had been hitting on my husband that night, but when he turned them down, this other girl decided to go for his available friend. Both she and his so-called friend were there in the car when he cheated. He didn’t expect to ever see either of those two girls again.
    To his disgust, surprise, and disappointment, my husband’s friend ended up in a serious relationship with this other girl! So he had to see her regularly, and even worked with her at one point. Eventually she tried to rape him, too, but this time he fought the whore off. I doubt it was as much for me as it was for his friend, who never found out about the incident and never dumped her for it. Anyway, even though he didn’t physically cheat with her, the fact that he trusted her to keep his dirty little secret forged an intimacy between them. And he wanted to prove to her that he wasn’t a dirt bag, and seems to have done so by making her think that I deserved to be cheated on because I put our kids ahead of him (which wasn’t true, only he was not properly “domesticated” at the beginning of our relationship, so the transition was harder for him). He seemed to have been motivated also by having some power over his friend by being close to his girlfriend. He has a bad habit of manipulating women by charming them. I’m starting to know by feel which women he has done this with.
    SO, I’ve realized that I still HATE this other girl, who I interacted with far too many times, and I’m still furious with him for putting me in that situation. It feels like she knew more about him for a whole year of our marriage than I did. If he had cheated on me with her I would have left him. Emotion would have been involved along with it, and that would have done it. I could not handle that. I’m still angry that he chose to trust her over me. When it was all said and done, he realized that I was the only person there for him, that truly loved him all along, but he still felt that he had “played his cards right”, as he put it. I gave a strong hint to him last night that this was not a good conclusion for him to make. I hope he gets it.
    If you have any other articles on how to forgive emotional infidelity, I will find them and read them, so don’t worry about listing them unless there is one in particular you don’t want me to miss. And any other advice on how to get this out of my head, so I’m not constantly worrying about him forming these sort of manipulative, intimate relationships with other women, would be much appreciated.

    Your Highness Maria,

    As the article you point to says, when you worry it enters your mind and heart and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. IOW, he will subconsciously if not consciously detect your worry, think about what worries you, and the self-fulfilling prophecy fills again as he emotionally cheats because the thought is present in his heart and mind.

    Show him more trust and respect and respect and trust and expect it to be returned. It’s not the only but the best way to escape while you let time and greater respect and trust preoccupy your minds and hearts and become the self-filling prophecy constantly at work.

    Perhaps Will can explain it better than I.

    Guy

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