1399. Why Men Look Elsewhere

Men marry and self-generate a unique persona living with their wives. They put themselves on a self-sustaining mixture of independence and freedom that protects their inner feelings. They dodge the peaceful exchange of inner feelings.

To reveal their inner thoughts weakens their carefully crafted role of boss, CEO, and imperturbable husband/father/man/lover/etc. It comes from their nature; men don’t reveal their feelings without a motive. Women like to unload for the purpose of unloading; men don’t. Also, having already won their wives, husbands have no ulterior motive for revealing their inner thoughts.

Then, sometime between about age 30 and through his mid-life crisis, doubts set in. He realizes he wants to talk about them. Doubts arise about his job, personal performance, self-confidence, personal abilities, financial future, sexuality, sexual performance, self-worth, or perhaps his wife. He wants to rationalize himself to himself by interacting with some empathetic and perhaps sympathetic female ears.

He can’t admit to a man what he wants to admit to himself. He wants to share some inner feelings, but wife doesn’t seem to have the complaint-free ears that he seeks. He expects she will find some fault, because of her habit of complaining. He doesn’t recognize or admit that he helped shape their relationship to its present condition.

Wife has been shaped into some other persona than he can talk to about those feelings he’s kept from her for so long. Guilt for not sharing keeps him from doing it now. He would have to change. He knows men don’t respect people that change, and therefore he would lose her respect. Or, so he reasons. Consequently, other ears hold more appeal.

It begs the question. How can women prevent it? The answer lies with each woman’s ability to resolve this paradox. If you try to make people like you, you will fail; a wife’s likeability to husband is her greatest attraction. The bridge over that briar patch is paved with this: You can make one person like you, if you don’t care whether others like you or not.

The best preventers of male wandering are abilities very natural to the mature woman. Wife exploits her strengths by favoring those that make her likeable to her husband. Her physical attractiveness taunts him, personality charms him, tenderness calms him, humor delights him, flexibility amazes him, modesty bewilders him, steadfastness strengthens him, patience beguiles him, happiness infects him, smile pleases him, goodness outshines him, generosity shames him, joy inspires him, stifled complaints reassure him, abundant love disguises him, and respect exalts him.

She doesn’t need to continually uphold her strengths to make her likeable to one person. She had enough to get him to the altar, which means she was very likeable in courtship. Further leveraging of her natural strengths enables her to clear the paradox and make herself likeable enough that her husband doesn’t have to find an empathetic ear outside the home.


Filed under sex differences

7 responses to “1399. Why Men Look Elsewhere

  1. Shermy

    Are you sure about that Guy? That doesn’t seem like enough to keep a man from wandering, especially if he’s made up his mind that he’s too afraid to emotionally unload on his wife.

    Your Highness Shermy,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when someone else joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Perhaps you misread the article. I never said it would keep a man from wandering. You seem to think so. I’m sure of what I wrote and it doesn’t contradict your second sentence. So, what’s the beef? If his mind is made up, his woman’s not likely to change it. Men don’t change, remember?


  2. Sir Guy:

    Thanks so much for this post. I understand what you are trying to convey and I feel that I demonstrate the likeability actions you suggest with the gentlemen I date. I just need to meet “The One” who is marriage-minded and wants to make me his wife.

    Lady Arabella Victoria

  3. Peach Blossoms

    “abundant love disguises him” What does this mean?

    Your Highness Peach Blossoms,
    Abundant love disguises him as the most fortunate of men.

  4. Patricia

    What a beautiful and poetic synopsis of the power of our God-given feminine charms, Sir Guy! Your insightful posts have answered so many questions about the male psyche that I have longed to understand. God bless you for this service!

    Your Highness Patricia,
    Thanks for commenting on 1399. I needed to use again something it contains and you found it for me. I’ll use it in the next article, probably on Wednesday.

  5. What is this, “abundant love”, how can we use it to “disguise” him? Especially after we “screw up” and reveal our sexual past while courting and after marriage when probed…

    Thanks! And I love all of your posts!

    Your Highness Julia,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Abundant love: Make her devotion unconditional. Whatever he does, she’s devoted nevertheless. Even cheating? Yes. In no way do I justify cheating; it’s inexcusable and intolerable. However, her recovery works best for her when she previously shapes her heart with the ability to forgive and forget, whether they divorce or merge back together.

    Disguise him: Enable him to learn that no matter his failures outside the home, he has sanctuary that never questions, never judges, and never confirms the negative thoughts that he harbors about his work and life. She wraps him in a figurative shroud of super-hero that he knows he doesn’t deserve, but which enables him to more easily recover for tomorrow’s battles.

    Also, learn to rule the rooster by enabling him to rule the roost.

    Also, disguise him as a great lover. See post 1944 to appear on Wednesday.


  6. Patricia

    You are abundantly welcome! I should have mentioned that I referred specifically to the second to last paragraph. I want to have my daughters and granddaughters memorize it!

    Your Highness Patricia,
    Your original question pointed to the lack of clarity with the phrase “abundant love disguises him.” I’m using it again in an article but I changed it to “devotion disguises his self-identified failings.” Let me know if it’s not clear enough with the other virtues that accompany it.

    • Patricia

      Sir Guy,
      Yes, that rephrasing does make your meaning come through clearer. Thank you and God Bless!

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