1428. Boyfriend Soured on Marriage


Her Highness Narisaclark at post 1427 described her problem this way. “I am a 30 y.o., never married woman on her own. For the past 8 months, I have been involved with a 41 y.o. man who was recently divorced” after a bitter and vengeful marriage. She claims to have made mistakes but she refuses to have sex and he’s highly attracted to her. She asked for this.

You say your task is daunting but it’s not. It’s normal but for one thing, his apparent antipathy toward marriage. However, you said he “was recently divorced,” so you have time on your side to help heal that wound.

Here’s the problem you’ve not faced before. He’s been stung severely. Men soured on marriage turn against marriage. Women soured on marriage turn against men. Men stay divorced more easily than women, and women marry again more easily than men. Yes, women learn to hate men, marry again, and hold former anger against new husband. Men don’t; they can forget exes and don’t carry so much anger forward. But they do carry a big basket of fears forward which never leave them. Fear of being cheated on again, cleaned out financially, being unable to compete successfully with a woman, or proving to themselves they are incapable of doing a good job as husband/father. Alleviate those fears and you probably have him vulnerable for capture.

Your mission is simple. Do what women do best. Win him over to help fulfill your hopes and dreams. That’s a typical woman’s life but yours includes friend withOUT benefits. You have only to rely on your female nature with feminine charm, patience, likeability, gratefulness, and especially respect for who he is and what he does.

He’s looking for a likeable mate more than sex, so your goals should be wrapped up in these thoughts:

  1. Make and keep yourself likeable in his eyes, so that he wants to be around you for no other purpose than that. You can’t talk him into it and shouldn’t pressure him toward togetherness; he has to figure it out independently from feeling good about himself in your company.
  2. Don’t be hasty to seal the deal at the altar. Practice the art of appreciating a lengthy chaste relationship that holds little promise of marriage. That is, apply no pressure for marriage. It should be when he wants it, and your withholding sex will inspire him much more and much faster than anything else. When he has high hopes for everything else but no hope of sex with you, his antipathy toward marriage will vanish. If you yield, however, his hope returns that he can have more without marriage.
  3. Let him grow ever more anxious to join you in bed. (Consult the Virtual Virginity series for tips and ideas.) When he’s tired of waiting, his mind about marriage will change or else he’ll go elsewhere and leave a trail of lies behind for you to live with. (Sorry, but that is always a possibility. Women do it to men too but just not over sex.)

Learn what you can about his marital relationship, if he will talk.  

  • Don’t let him rant about his ex. Without prying try to find out what she did that ignited his anger/temper. Figure out his marital personality with his wife. Who caused what to happen? How did he respond to her in certain circumstances? Her to him? Be sensitive and adjust your approach if your inquiries tick him off. But also note the red flags that may signal he’s not really Mr. GoodEnough for you.
  • Defuse his anger about his ex. Help him to forgive and forget. You’ll naturally want to take his side but don’t condemn his ex. Sympathize totally with him and you’ll lose him. (He knows he contributed to their turmoil. If you ignore it and persistently try to reassure him, then he figures you don’t respect him or he has you fooled. He doesn’t respect himself for what he did wrong but don’t expect him to disclose it. You have to figure it out but don’t tell him about it.)

Take your time. Keep your legs crossed. Make yourself more attractive and likeable to him. Make yourself happier with yourself (see post 806). Trust your instincts that don’t have roots in selfishness. You can do it.

19 Comments

Filed under How she wins

19 responses to “1428. Boyfriend Soured on Marriage

  1. Mochahun

    Great advice, although my situation varies this is wonderful advice that i can use for the future. Thanks Guy.

  2. Hush

    Guy is dead on in this response! I was dating a man I knew loved me, and I was doing everything wrong. It was igniting issues between us that would have never occurred if I had only found WWNH sooner! After asking for advice from Guy and doing some serious soul searching as a Christian doing all the wrong things (thinking somehow God would understand the world we live in today), I decided to face the truth.

    He was soured against marriage (divorced) and believed it to be a “death sentence”. I started going home every night and would read WWNH and God’s Word. I realized I wanted to be married again; and if he wasn’t wanting that, I needed to move on. In the middle of it all, I was more and more convicted of my sin. I stopped having sex with him, and started explaining to him the best way I knew how. His frustration was evident, but I had to accept it for what it was. I started doing things to make ME feel happy and good about myself (think pretty, smile, dress nicely, etc.), instead, knowing that one day God would give me the relationship I wanted. God knew I loved this man, but it was in His hands now.

    I stopped making any attempt to call him, and stopped showing up at his house as he always expected. I figured if he wanted to see me, he needed to call. And he did. And we went to lunch several times. One evening he asked me to come over. He wanted more than I could give, so I let him know that I had been avoiding that with him because I had been convicted. I let him know that I loved him, and I understood if he needed to break up with me. I let him know I had realized I did want to be married again; and if he didn’t want that, then I didn’t want to waste either of our time. He was visibly upset, but not in a bad way. He tried to talk his way back in for just a minute, then paced around and said he needed to think. It only took minutes for him to tell me that he wanted to keep dating, he had to honor my conviction from God, and he wanted to see where things would go.

    I kept my resolve, stll let him call, etc. He still tried a couple of times to get what he wanted, but it made him only more upset with himself and not me when I told him no. After several weeks, he finally decided he couldn’t be in a relationship without sex and couldn’t get married. We had been together for 5 years. He decided to go tell his parents that he was going to break things off with me. They said they understood and would support him, but to please pray about it first. He agreed that he would pray about it.

    He said he went home and prayed, and went to bed feeling no change. He was going to break up with me the next day. He decided to go in late to work the next morning. He said as he walked through the house, he felt a sudden peace from God that told him it was alright. All I knew at the time is that he suddenly became so happy to see me and began to honor me in every way. He even thanked me for the gift of celebacy. He did not break up with me.

    A few weeks later, he asked me to marry him. We’d already had 5 years together, so we married quickly. That was almost a year ago. We’ll have our first anniversary soon. I am so very happy I found WWNH and fully trusted God again instead of handing off to God and then taking it all back on myself! And we’ve already had some trials…. I foumd out weeks after marriage that I had breast cancer and had to go through a double mastectomy and reconstruction. He was my physical rock through those trying times, and helped me whenever needed: and he provided me counsel when I was too emotional to bear it. God was my rock, too; and I believe He knew I needed the physical rock my husband was for me. I also had to take in my 3 very young grandchildren when the baby nearly drowned and was life flighted. It was an accident, and they will soon be going home with my daughter. They’ve been with us for 5 months. He was more tortured through this ordeal, but he has been there for me and for them nonetheless! He has grown more than he realizes through this trial, as have I.

    I have never felt more secure in my relationship with him. He is a very diferent and better man since we’ve married. He says he struggled with the idea of marrying me for 2 years before all of this happened. I think that both of our internal struggles had a bigger impact on the stresses in our dating than we realized at the time. I began to think he was Mr. Not Good Enough…and quite honestly, he was becoming that! Deep down, Mr. Good Enough was in there, but I had to set us both free from the damages we had done.

    I love him more every day, and I know he feels the same about me. He tells me all the time, and I’ve never seen a man prouder of how we got there. If he’s giving advice to a friend on relationship, it’s to tell them to honor God and don’t have sex. That is a stark difference from the man he was.

    Study God’s Word, study Guy’s advice, and decide what you want and go for that. Yes, you may lose him; but that means Mr. Good Enough is still out there! It’s a chance you may need to take to be truly happy. You can’t…and certainly wouldn’t want…to marry someone who hasn’t made that decision completely for themself!

    • Claire

      What hope! Thank you for your story.

    • Abigail

      Wow! Thanks for posting this. I can’t tell you how encouraged I am by your story! God Bless you and yours.

    • Joanna

      Dear Hush,
      Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony. Congratulations to you and your husband for your imminent first anniversary!
      I am sorry to hear about your medical problems and hope you have made a complete recovery. You go on my list for special prayers at church tomorrow.

      God bless you both. And more power to Sir Guy for changing the world, one woman at a time. Which means one man at a time. One couple at a time. One family at a time. One community at a time. One country at a time. One continent at a time. One world at a time 🙂

    • Carol

      Thank you.

      Your Highness Carol,
      Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
      Guy

  3. An Avid Follower And A Lady

    Dear Hush,

    God Bless You.

    THANK YOU for your miraculous post. AND THANK YOU to Guy and Mrs. Guy. Without what they do, selflessly in my eyes, this forum would not be happening.

    I too have a chaste relationship, as you decided to have, and it is getting to be decision time. Obviously, this is tough time because you don’t know what will happen, but you have much love in your heart and pray that it is God’s will that He sees fit that you are joined in marriage. So I have been going through a lot lately in this regard, we are both quieted down, retreated at this time. So I have suffered. But it is like today the Lord took my hands and kept me at this computer, longer than I thought I would be, so I would be here just in time to read your post!!!

    I do not have a lot of good communication skills. I come from a very painful childhood. I was an unwanted child. My father took his own life when I was 32 years old. The backlash of rage by my mother was and is unspeakable. I internalized shame to an extent that it would be painful to relate. I have no brothers or sisters. It would have been nice if some family had been afforded me for emotional support, but alas I have no siblings to share with. I did have the most wonderful uncle, he was my mother’s younger brother and had the heart of an angel. I always fancy he was like my older brother I never had. He gave me affirmation as a person and attempted to do over rides on my mother’s unkind comments to me. I lost him to lukemia 3 years after my father’s tragic death. 4 years after that I lost the man I was engaged to through a tragic accident. I gave up on the thought that I could bring any good to anybody’s life. I lost the people who showed love and kindness to me. I was left with a verbally abusive mother. I turned to God and steadfast prayer. I am Christian, Catholic, and received counsel from pastors and regular social workers through the losses. I asked for help in the dark.

    Then one day I met a man at church. And that is where Guy, Mrs. Guy and WWNH comes in.

    I have a lot of fear and to be honest I do not have the social graces or confidence that is afforded young girls who have mothers who wanted them and affirmed them. It just was not there for me. When my grandmother was alive, and through school I received affirmation. So, although I look attractive ( I usually get high marks from men, I do dress modestly, and what you say is so true – they do find this charming and attractive) I am withdrawn. I am awkward and shy. I’m excellent with spreadsheets and work but spend much time alone. I thought that was God’s will. I had so many frightening losses that I thought the best I could do is pursue my relationship with God, fraternize with people of faith and find joy in service. And I did. So, when I met the very handsome man at church I thought, please Lord no more of this. It turned my world upside down. I struggled in my life with relationships when I was younger. I did learn, but as I said – even though I did learn and have love, it did not last because of death. When I saw this very handsome man a church I really said inside myself, Lord, please do not do this. I am no good at relationships and this really scares me. But I guess if I am a truth teller, I fell in love at first sight. Quite a sight it was to me. I also felt the hand of God at that moment. I guess my heart was elated, but I was also desolate at that same time because it brought up my internal fears and abandonment issues. I really really did ask God, why did He lay this before me.

    So with my shyness, and by the way his shyness as well, this has been a long struggle! But now as I read, I see it with more right balance in my eyes. The course that I have taken in getting to know him and letting him get to know me is not so bad after all. It is a chaste relationship and has always been. And I praise God for that. And I thank Hush for sharing with me and giving her precious life experience as affirmation. I actually had a lukewarm Catholic woman try to convince me that since neither I nor the gentleman in question are young, it would be “OK” to go ahead and be sexually active. BTW, the GENTLEMAN has not asked! She must be watching desperate women’s shows, observing the length of time my relationship with this gentleman has been developing and decided she knew what to do – God forbid!!! And literally God does!!I Her comments caused a rupture in our friendship. She repelled me with this. Now I feel strong about what I had told her at the time. It was in effect – “get thee behind me satan.” I referred her to a priest and suggested she abstain from reality TV and secular media, or anything for that matter that would part her from the desire to hold the 10 Commandments dear to her heart. It was a tough conversation. BUT I BLESS YOU HUSH, GUY AND MRS. GUY FOR YOUR AFFIRMATION AND COURAGE! It is like God helped me to find all of you and now, through your witness He has strengthened me!!!! This is SO GREAT!!!!

    Now, I don’t know where our relationship will go. It is awfully hard because you do get to certain stages in conversation and it does touch off serious feelings, at times a bit of conflict, and both parties withdraw … ponder and pray. I am reading WWNH along different topic lines to help me along with this. I am very shy and not a good communicator but my heart is sincere. He is, well, a little like Guy!!!! So this helps! I am getting a view into some of our conversations where I was feeling hurt afterwards but now I am beginning to understand that with a quintessential male there are certain communications patterns I need to learn. And he IS a quintessential male and I have to say this is a REAL turn on! I have never encountered one like this before and I think that is why it has triggered such internal fear – opening the original wounds, if you will, the abandonment issues. I think he IS showing me affection in quiet ways that I was never used to. I was just not picking up on it. I have not been able to show him really demonstratively how much I admire him – I see now he needs this from me. God forgive me. And he is shy too. It has been a struggle BUT neither party has been violated or exploited here! It has been chaste, thoughtful, considerate, loving. Thanks be to God!

    So here I am, hopeful and now I have WWNH and I am very grateful.

    I am going to ask for some help.

    I would like to show him admiration but do not wish to “flatter” him unless he is first forthcoming. He is SHY and so he is not really forward. He fumbles his words at times – and truth be told – every time he does this I fall so hard for him I have no words to say! I have found that he is more backwards than I had initially thought and that makes it hard for me because in the past I was used to the gentleman really pursuing me confidently. A close friend of mine, a Godly married woman who knows me well, has told me “give him the confident to ask.” So when I take steps to let him know how much I admire him he warms up wonderfully. I fear that fear has made me more cold and withdrawn than is healthy. FYI I HAVE shared with him my losses, my background. I would not want him to be deceived. My prayer is that perhaps it will inspire him is some way to understand my shyness. But all that being said, he still must come to the point where he is showing me or telling me how he feels somehow! I have tended to reply to his emails (I NEVER initiate email contact by the way, I think it very inappropriate) in a very affirming way. I do sincerely like and appreciate his taste and his thoughts. Actually he gets rave reviews from me when he sends the things he thinks I might like 🙂

    I do know that men do NEED to chase. I usually am open and warm. I have an aversion to behavior that might seem come over to him like manipulation – like purposely acting “unavailable.” I am no liar. There are sparks that fly when we are at dinner together – waiters and waitresses pause before approaching us because they see we are, well, enraptured with one another. He does travel, he does have a powerful line of work. And since that automatically arranges a certain time between us for contemplation and prayer that is what I usually rely upon to pace the growth. I do not play games and I do not appreciate anyone, male or female, who does. Neither does he. Amen.

    So, it is slow, but it is sincere. There have been some comments he has made regarding women friends he has that have stimulated my panic feelings, but as a friend of mine says, he wound not want to hurt me (they are not hurtful comments he makes – I think they just hit my abandonment issues). I am that fragile. And also, if he would come forth with some declaration or say who I am to him, well my concerns would go away. Its just that that particular thing has to come from him, it is not mine to time or to say. So, I am hanging in there. As I say, there is no violation here, no using. If there were sex going here before the essential bonding, commitment occurred this would be – well I would not even want to know!!!

    So, If anybody who wishes to leave any comments on my post I would greatly appreciate it!

    I know its a lot of stuff to read. I also know that the people who read Guy are something very special. If any wish to share with me I would be grateful.

    Thank you SO MUCH!!!

    • Lin

      My heart goes out to you. I come from a very abusive background and it is extremely damaging. It badly hurts your relationships and choices. However God can heal. I am an example of a work in progress with many successes so far.

      I suggest you read up on self esteem and self image on this blog. Excellent articles. They were real eye openers for me, very helpful and liberating. You can and should build up your self confidence.

      And I agree. Mr and Mrs Guy’s blog is a godsend.
      I wish you the best.

      • An Avid Follower And A Lady

        Dear Lin,
        Thank you EVER SO MUCH for reaching out!!!!

        I am so happy for your encouragement!

        I am going to keep on the blog and reading, printing out and highlighting. Yes, FOR REAL I read, print out AND highlight. I really feel like an “uninitialized disk” in a computer! I need new information to continue!! Yes, I get that analytical and that avoids feelings. A man needs to feel his feelings and if you stuff your own because of fear all of your life, because its really scary to let them out – you give the poor guy a mixed message and, well that doesn’t help!!! So your word of encouragement is SO WONDERFUL! Thank you for responding – I am going to look for the self-esteem material.

        Bless you.

  4. Sir Guy:

    As always, your insight is dead on.

    I was in a relationship last year with a wonderful gentleman who endured a hellish marriage and a nasty divorce that included his ex-wife keeping his son from him for years and causes him to carry emotional scars. He later was in an eight year relationship with a woman who died of cancer. She had been married before and didn’t want to remarry and he didn’t either so they were both happy with the status quo. However, I definitely want to remarry but he has the attitude that marriage is not necessary. We live in cities several hours apart and tried to make a long-distance romance work. However, since he was burning out from our bi-weekend get togethers and after hearing him repeatedly say he’d NEVER get married again we decided to end our relationship.

    I still miss him but life goes on. He and I dated before I started reading your blog so I didn’t practice virtual virginity. At the time, I felt his emotional commitment and his act of driving or flying to see me made it safer to engage in intimacy. However, my heart was broken when our relationship ended because I bonded with him. You are correct that virtual virginity is best and if he and I ever have the opportunity to reconnect I will practice it.

    Lady Arabella Victoria

  5. Dear Guy, you said: “Practice the art of appreciating a lengthy chaste relationship that holds little promise of marriage.”

    There’s a difference of opinion amongst various women I know about exclusivity in dating and I wondered if you might give your perspective. Some women embrace the idea that you are single until married, meaning that even though you might spend time with someone in a romantic context, until a man proposes, you remain free to entertain the interest of whomever you desire should you choose to do so. Others claim that this is disloyal, unfaithful, etc. and that if you are seriously interested in someone, that interest ought to be expressed through a committed, exclusive dating relationship where both parties are off limits to anyone else so long as you are an “official” couple.

    My perspective is that it’s risky for a woman to forswear all other suitors due to the fact that she hopes things will work out with the man who is interested in her at the moment. Are there good reasons for a woman to take herself off the market when a man she is dating hasn’t yet proposed or even seriously discussed marriage? Do you think that a woman being resistant to agree to an exclusive dating commitment would cause a genuine Mr. Good Enough to be distrusting of her or discouraged in his pursuit?

    Your Highness Denise,
    My perspective grew beyond the size to fit here. So, look for it WED 11/2 as the daily post, #1434.
    Guy

    • gcs15

      excellent question! thank you denise!
      ive been wondering the same thing as far as him thinking i may be untrustworthy or playing him…i have a man interested in me but as of late our work/personal schedules have been clashing… the other day he even asked me “do you WANT to see me?” because our schedules were just so opposite…but i think he was starting to wonder if i was not interested in him…

      is it possible that a potential ‘mr good enough’ can get put off by TOO hard to get? is there such a thing as a man working TOO hard to please ? can he be put off thinking “shes not that into ME?” or “shes TOO busy how will i EVER fit in?” or does that just make him a wishy-washy-femmy NOT mr good enough??

      for that matter as denise made me wonder…when IS the right time to take yourself off the market? i wouldnt think a man was serious about me if he were still dating other women (chaste or not)…does it not take a while of exclusivity to know you want to discuss marriage?

      so im VERY interested to read wednesdays post sir guy! cant wait!!
      and ive absolutely LOVED the most recent posts…they are exactly what i need to read to identify a mr good enough!!
      many many thanks!!

  6. Kaikou

    Amazing post. Great comments. This is definitely the most insightful post for me personally, thus far.

  7. Thank you so much for writing this post.
    There have been some interesting new developments since this time, and I REALLY need your opinion, Sir Guy, and Guy Jr. What do you think about the following?

    – especially aroused by and attracted to girls as young as 13. Is it normal for an adult man (over 40, to give an age range) to fantasize about and want to have sex with barely-starting-puberty girls? How young is too young? Do normal adult men find teenage girls arousing?

    – driving around in his car looking for prostitutes and other women who are all alone because it gives him a thrill. Getting a thrill when he finds one that he might like to do things to, and getting her into his car. repeating the behavior, again, not merely for the sex, but for the thrill. normal hunter-conquerer mentality, or sexual predator?

    Your Highness Narisaclark,
    Fundamentally, I’m alarmed. How do you know such things? If you got it directly from him, get away from him. If indirectly and you trust the source, get away from him. If you don’t trust the source, pull away until you can disprove that he thinks and acts that way. I can imagine a wide range of explanations for his behaviors, none of which will likely brighten your future.
    Guy

  8. He has explained to me that he targeted me – not just for sexual conquest, but for emotional destrution of my spirit and heart (those are my words, I rephrased what he has told me and showed me) – for the following reasons :
    – I had the invisible ‘victim sign’ above my head and he saw it
    – He suspected, and learned very quickly, that I had nobody around me who would pull me back and protect me from him
    – I have the body of a 13/14 yo girl, and a similarly youthful face. thats his ‘type’ (his words, not mine)
    One thing that disturbs me is his habit of calling me ‘Little Girl’. That is his term of endearment for me.
    What are your thoughts of this? I know mine – or at least the way I feel, but I want to know your interpretation of this.

    Your Highness Narisaclark,
    My thoughts? Get professional advice. I’m neither qualified nor inclined to get involved.
    I do see that your feelings are the wrong decision tool. AS YOU DESCRIBE IT, he’s not good for you.
    Guy

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