Her Highness Narisaclark at post 1427 described her problem this way. “I am a 30 y.o., never married woman on her own. For the past 8 months, I have been involved with a 41 y.o. man who was recently divorced” after a bitter and vengeful marriage. She claims to have made mistakes but she refuses to have sex and he’s highly attracted to her. She asked for this.
You say your task is daunting but it’s not. It’s normal but for one thing, his apparent antipathy toward marriage. However, you said he “was recently divorced,” so you have time on your side to help heal that wound.
Here’s the problem you’ve not faced before. He’s been stung severely. Men soured on marriage turn against marriage. Women soured on marriage turn against men. Men stay divorced more easily than women, and women marry again more easily than men. Yes, women learn to hate men, marry again, and hold former anger against new husband. Men don’t; they can forget exes and don’t carry so much anger forward. But they do carry a big basket of fears forward which never leave them. Fear of being cheated on again, cleaned out financially, being unable to compete successfully with a woman, or proving to themselves they are incapable of doing a good job as husband/father. Alleviate those fears and you probably have him vulnerable for capture.
Your mission is simple. Do what women do best. Win him over to help fulfill your hopes and dreams. That’s a typical woman’s life but yours includes friend withOUT benefits. You have only to rely on your female nature with feminine charm, patience, likeability, gratefulness, and especially respect for who he is and what he does.
He’s looking for a likeable mate more than sex, so your goals should be wrapped up in these thoughts:
- Make and keep yourself likeable in his eyes, so that he wants to be around you for no other purpose than that. You can’t talk him into it and shouldn’t pressure him toward togetherness; he has to figure it out independently from feeling good about himself in your company.
- Don’t be hasty to seal the deal at the altar. Practice the art of appreciating a lengthy chaste relationship that holds little promise of marriage. That is, apply no pressure for marriage. It should be when he wants it, and your withholding sex will inspire him much more and much faster than anything else. When he has high hopes for everything else but no hope of sex with you, his antipathy toward marriage will vanish. If you yield, however, his hope returns that he can have more without marriage.
- Let him grow ever more anxious to join you in bed. (Consult the Virtual Virginity series for tips and ideas.) When he’s tired of waiting, his mind about marriage will change or else he’ll go elsewhere and leave a trail of lies behind for you to live with. (Sorry, but that is always a possibility. Women do it to men too but just not over sex.)
Learn what you can about his marital relationship, if he will talk.
- Don’t let him rant about his ex. Without prying try to find out what she did that ignited his anger/temper. Figure out his marital personality with his wife. Who caused what to happen? How did he respond to her in certain circumstances? Her to him? Be sensitive and adjust your approach if your inquiries tick him off. But also note the red flags that may signal he’s not really Mr. GoodEnough for you.
- Defuse his anger about his ex. Help him to forgive and forget. You’ll naturally want to take his side but don’t condemn his ex. Sympathize totally with him and you’ll lose him. (He knows he contributed to their turmoil. If you ignore it and persistently try to reassure him, then he figures you don’t respect him or he has you fooled. He doesn’t respect himself for what he did wrong but don’t expect him to disclose it. You have to figure it out but don’t tell him about it.)
Take your time. Keep your legs crossed. Make yourself more attractive and likeable to him. Make yourself happier with yourself (see post 806). Trust your instincts that don’t have roots in selfishness. You can do it.