1482. Qualify Boyfriends First


At #1437 Her Highness Sbaby inquired: “If a man expressly asks a woman to be his ‘Girlfriend’, what should the woman’s response and strategy be…especially if the man appears to expect exclusive dating and considers the woman to be a cheat if she dates someone else?” She said yes and now wonders how she can show a spirit less loyal than boyfriend expects. (Italicized words are my interpretation and not hers.)

(Your Highness Sbaby, you have to figure it out anyway, so I shall provide the bigger picture that others can also use.)

ASSUMPTIONS. These fundamentals shape the negotiating questions that follow below.

  • A guy asks a woman to be his ‘girlfriend’. Its neither a compliment as women usually take it nor the devotion that women seek. It may be commitment but his real meaning is unknowable to her. In fact, he hopes to open her heart to conquest or to tie her to him exclusively.
  • The way to win a man’s heart for lifetime loyalty is through negotiation before he conquers her. She either competes to get her way, or she slips into following his ever increasing dominance and self-justified independence.
  • If boyfriend owes her nothing, he can be as independent as he wants. Negotiating before conquest that makes him indebted to her stifles his sense of independence. (Questions below help generate such indebtedness.)
  • She can only put and keep him on the defensive before he conquers her for sex their first time together. After that, he’ll plead the fifth amendment or run more easily than answer.
  • Solely in the interest of clearly defining their interests, I presume the guy to be more devious than admirable and the woman to be more logical, sensible, and brave than women usually are in a new love.
  • The one that fears most losing the other will concede to the other’s wishes. So, show no fear of losing him. If he shows fear of losing her, don’t feel sorry for him. In fact, never feel sorry for him during these negotiations.
  • A woman asked to become a girlfriend has gumption. She knows to explore more deeply when someone CAN take advantage of her. His intentions don’t matter because everyone has a hidden agenda. What’s he capable of doing if she joins him in his interpretation of their relationship?
  • Finally, being a girlfriend incurs obligations. Each lady has to explain to herself just how much admirable and respectable character she has to see in a boyfriend to accept those obligations. As with her, just because he wants something doesn’t mean he should get it without a price.   

How should she react when he asks? First and above all show no excitement. Ask for time to think about it. If not already well thought out, figure out how to negotiate the kind of relationship she hopes to build.

Negotiate by using questions that bring discussions over several days/dates. Figure out just what she’s willing to go along or put up with. Make sure he steps up to her conditions as much as she reciprocates his. They aren’t married yet, so she competes, competes, and competes to get his commitment to doing things her way as much as practicable according to his worth to her. She does that by bravely questioning who and what he is both to himself and potentially for her.

The following questions appear harsh or threatening to the readers’ eye. It’s by design. They reflect an attitude that a woman should have before she commits to being a girlfriend. Doing so strengthens the foundation upon which a marriage can be built. Remember? The foundation of a man’s love is respect for his wife. Negotiating from strength earns respect.

These questions can help the prospective girlfriend negotiate success into her relationship by putting him on defense:

  • What does being your girlfriend mean to you? What must I give up? Nothing? Surely you expect something special out of me.
  • How do you intend to honor my dedication to no sex before marriage? Give me some specifics.
  • Who do you envy and why? Who are you jealous of and why? How inclined are you to jealousy?
  • You mean I can’t show favoritism to other men? How about hugs? Encouragement? Smiles? Flirting? Letter writing? Card giving? Gift giving? How about family friends, business associates, boyfriends of my girlfriends?
  • How tightly do you expect to tie me to your ego? What are the rules by which you expect me to participate in our relationship? What happens if I slap your face for going where you know better than to go?
  • How much freedom will I have to associate with girlfriends? Family? Job requirements?
  • What’s your opinion of my mother, father, family, brothers, sisters, and grandparents? Not how you like them but how their relationships match up with ours?
  • Where did you get your work ethic? Who helped develop your character?
  • How did your father treat your mother? And the reverse?
  • Do you see marriage in our future? Describe the husband’s and wife’s roles as you envision it.
  • Do you see babies in our future? How is father’s role in a child’s development as infant, toddler, pre-puberty, and teen? What do you envision as mother’s role?
  • I shall marry only a gentleman. How far along do you think you are toward that goal? You even headed in that direction?
  • Are you offended by my talking about marriage? I have neither hope nor intention to marry you. I just want to hear your opinions and judgments about it. What are your feelings about the institutions of marriage, home, family, and traditions? 
  • Do your habits or foul language offend the sensibilities of females? How do you know? Can you detect it? Do you care? You improving or ignoring it? Fading away? How soon?
  • Does gentlemanly behavior appeal to you? Doing anything to improve it? Is it a goal or just a ‘maybe’?
  • Will you go to church regularly with me? Why not? Do you believe in God? Would you raise our kids in the church, guessing for the moment that we marry?
  • How do you rank these two subjects: Me and sex? (Don’t explain further; make him plead his case.)
  • What do you give up in return? If he describes something outlandish but not outrageous.

He needs a complete grilling for two reasons: To expose what he’s really after, and to lay groundwork for marriage if it eventuates. The main purpose is to evaluate how he likely would respond to pressures that a wife may apply. (Different questions but same pressures.) Somewhere, somehow along the line of negotiating with those questions, his sincerity, character, and intentions will become far more obvious than when he asks the original question ‘Will you be my girlfriend’. Let his original question plant the seed from which grows a woman’s evaluation of the man she is currently involved with or should dump for lack of qualifications as Mr. GoodEnough. Then she can decide if she wants to be his girlfriend.

26 Comments

Filed under How she wins

26 responses to “1482. Qualify Boyfriends First

  1. R.A.

    I love these questions and their level of detail. The cream (truth) always rises to the top.

  2. Abbo

    I used to think the grilling you talk about would be more appropriate in the later stages of a courtship and going toward marriage, everything before that would just be an abstract hint. I just had a hard time seeing myself ask those questions so soon BUT I definitely see the merit in that now. I just don’t want to look desperate with emphasis on, “I have no intention or hope of marrying you, this is just my own marriage construct that will apply to whatever man I marry, and what do YOU think? and who are you?”

    I was used to hearing “oh for goodness sakes don’t mention marriage around a man and that goes double for the subject of children, you’ll just scare him away!” But it’s just commonsense to me that these subjects need to be broached before marriage. Maybe that sentiment is geared more towards statements like, “when you and me get married.” Actually casting him in the role.

    Your Highness Abbo,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    If a guy wants to call you girlfriend, why shouldn’t he pay a hefty price? What is this? He expects you to come so cheap he only need ask? The heftier the price the more worthy it makes you. Your worth comes from his imagination and acts that show him that he’s dedicated to you, and not from how you agree with him.

    Re your second paragraph, you have it right.

    Guy

  3. Concetta

    This is good. Post 1482 should be required reading for every high school sex ed class in America.

  4. Anon.....

    You got that right Concetta! Somehow we have to get into the grades 6-12, instead of them teaching girls how to tell boys on cindom use! I suggested this website be put in sticker form in girls bathrooms

  5. Sbaby

    Sir Guy,

    Thank you thank you thank you thank you! Wow ….. what a detailed and very norm-breaking (the norms surrounding me) response. My first reaction is naturally to find your suggestions (the grilling part) scary, but once I look at what the fear is – in the end, it goes back to just the fear of losing the guy, and yet this is where the mistake begins. Because: without knowing what he expects and how he will behave, why should I so quickly assume that he is a treasure and that it’ll be the end of the world if I don’t get to become his “Girlfriend”?

    I am so so so so grateful for your reply. It will change my life for the positive, for all times.

  6. not-so-annonymous-Anne

    I hope lots and lots of unmarried women are reading this!! What a great list of prompts for grilling a date. 🙂 There are lots of books out there, especially for Christian women, explaining that they should be choosy about a future-spouse. No one really goes deep enough or practical enough to explain what, how, or why like this blog in general and this post in particular. If, instead of publishing a lot of those other books, publishers simply offered this post on a laminated sheet for single women to put on their bathroom mirror and memorize while they were brushing their teeth… a lot fewer messy relationships would be started!

  7. Tee

    I broke up with my boyfriend last night after I asked some of these questions you suggest. He was very annoyed by my questions, and quick to change the subject. I found out I’m not in the relationship I assumed I was. After I told him I would not be intimate with anyone until I receive a proposal with a ring, he sarcastically replied “you think I’m going to be your boyfriend and we can’t be intimate?” I’m still hurting from this comment, but I realize now I destroyed our chances when I decided to have sex with him. Thank you for this article, I turn 30 next summer ( i want to have children…..) so I will be sure not to make the same mistakes with my next guy.

    Your Highness Tee,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    I regret your loss but you enabled Mr.NotGoodEnough to disclose his motives, intentions, and true regards for you.

    Guy

    • Tee

      Thanks for your regards Mr. Guy. I’d really like if you will help me decipher something my now ex-boyfriend said to me. He says his girlfriend ties very closesly to his ego. He explained if other guys want what he has, he feels he made the right choice. I’m not sure if a girlfriend’s attractiveness being tied to the boyfriend’s ego is a positive thing or not?

      Your Highness Tee,

      Let me see if I have this straight. You interrogate him. He takes umbrage and dumps you. Then he comes back trying to make you feel bad, and you give him some attention?

      According to him, his ego hinges on what other guys think of his woman. He dumps you, so doesn’t that kind of say that he thinks other men don’t think much of you? Then he holds another woman up to you as being better than you? What kind of heart does that guy possess, if any?

      Move him to the front of the parade of men passing by, so you won’t have to see him again. Then, color yourself pretty, proud, and prepared for what comes next. The parade is endless and individuals are more clearly and easily identified because of lessons learned from past turkeys such as him.

      Guy

      • Tee

        No, you do not have it straight. I questioned him about his ego, and his response was his girlfriend (me) is closely tied to his ego. I wanted to know if you thought that was negative or positive.

  8. anon..

    It’s so good Sir Guy that you WROTE this piece. It was real good for Tee to read and act accordianly! This may have saved her a lot of heartache and later may be able to have a good man to be the father of her children, and a husband for her. May Tees future husband and her celebrate many anniversaries

  9. Leah

    This is just what I needed to hear! I’m in college and am having to wrangle my way through the sticky world of relationships. There’s a great guy showing interest in me right now and it’s so easy to try to manipulate things and let my fear of losing him take over. But this post set me straight. Great questions too – I’m practicing saying them in my head just in case he asks me out. Thank you so much Guy! I love this blog 🙂

    Your Highness Leah,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy

  10. Lyndeeloo

    Please pardon the length of this comment. I’m interested in feedback–both from Sir Guy and the married men and women who read this blog.

    The man I’ve been seeing for a while now has brought up the term “girlfriend” twice. Two dates ago, when he first referred to me as his girlfriend, I re-directed the conversation quickly and lightheartedly. When he called himself my boyfriend during our last date, I asked, “Boyfriend?”

    He said, “Well, yes.”

    I proceeded to ask if he’d been referring to me as his girlfriend in conversation with others. He claims he has not, although he has told me several times his family knows about me and is wondering when they will meet me. I asked what he meant by the girlfriend/boyfriend comments. He said he would like us to “take the next step in commitment.” When I asked for clarification, he said that he’d like us to consider ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend and that it would mean that we are exclusive, that I can depend on him, he will support me, that he will not flirt with, pursue, or date other women.

    I asked what he’d expect of me if we became exclusive. He said something to the effect, “Well, I can’t require you to do anything, but I would hope you’d reciprocate and most importantly, that you’d WANT to reciprocate.”

    I asked what made him want exclusivity and when he decided he wanted it with me. He said he decided after our date last week as a result of a discussion we’d had about sex and personal boundaries. He said “You’re unlike any other woman I’ve ever known. Your adherence to your boundaries is atypical, takes courage, and makes you a woman of high character. We have been dating for three months. So, what do you think?”

    I was unprepared and not entirely certain I wanted to agree. I told him that I needed to process what it means and whether or not I’m ready for that. He seemed a bit frustrated and before we parted ways after the date, he said that he knew I was very busy the next couple of days (with work, etc.) and that he understood I had thinking to do. He said he’d give me a call on Wednesday and we could talk about it further.

    Is it typical for a man to want exclusivity so soon? Do you have advice regarding the best way to proceed?

    Your Highness Lyndeeloo,

    As to whether many dates over three months make exclusivity typical or not,
    I defer to ladies with experience and ask them to comment on it.

    As to your situation and presuming you’re in America, I marvel at your maturity, standards, and overall cautious approach. Good work, gal. He’s stepping up to your expectations, and I admire how you’ve handled the issue. Don’t take it to mean you should go all out to accept him as Mr. Good Enough. Your judgment so far has been good so continue trusting your instinct.

    Guy

  11. Magnolia

    Sir Guy, I think that this is an amazing post. I do. As you said, men need a complete grilling because all they are thinking about is today. They think: “We’re going out, having a good time, if she lets me, we’re having good sex, and the future… who knows, and who cares? Why worry about all that? Let’s just enjoy the moment.” …Really! And the worst part is that this can –and does– go on for years and years for some women who allow it!

    So it just seems as if a lady doesn’t have an option but to really grill him like this. However, isn’t it like mentioning marriage? You know, the “running for the hills” thing? I’m afraid that a woman just can’t win in a situation like that. Men don’t respond well when they perceive that they are being “cornered”. To them you would be overly aggressive if you would ask all those questions. Even though, because of the reasons that you mentioned, she would be very right to do so. Asking her to be his girlfriend doesn’t mean much to him. It certainly doesn’t mean that he is devoted to her as she so wishes and hopes, or that he is seriously thinking about marrying her.

    Some people suggest dating men until a good candidate proposes marriage, but I think that that is also not likely to happen in today’s world (I think that back in the 1950’s and before, young women did it like that– very smart!)

    I just think it’s a fool’s game to give “exclusivity” to a man. So what’s a lady to do? I’ve learned not to trust men because as I was reading the other day, they want to have their cake and eat it too. Here is a quote from the book ‘The Real Reasons Men Commit’ by Joel D. Block and Kimberly Dawn Newmann: “Guys treasure their own freedom, but they expect you to be loyal from almost the first minute you meet.”

    In closing, women should keep their eyes, their ears, and their options open (meaning not giving exclusivity) until they have studied a man and have seen what he is up to. Also, they should keep their legs closed.– Great strategy! I just don’t know about the “grilling” part in practice, even though in theory it sounds awesome.

    Your Highness Magnolia,

    First, you’re right. I call it a grilling. That’s man-think. Use female-think. Interrogate and negotiate with non-threatening female finesse, female leadership charm, and with points scattered un-offendingly during their associations, dates, calls, and texts.

    The qualifying of a boyfriend should be done as prelude to marriage without him sensing it. If he doesn’t qualify for marriage, why qualify him as boyfriend except to play romantic games in the male present that make her forget the female future?

    Second, regarding the Block/Newmann quote, “Guys treasure their own freedom, but they expect you to be loyal from almost the first minute you meet.” It’s their nature, they’re born that way. It adds to their alpha-ness. You’ll find that men who aren’t that way are not very dependable as masculine rescuers, providers for women, and in the shaping of events around them. They lack leadership ability.

    Guy

    • Cinnamon

      The qualifying of a boyfriend should be done as prelude to marriage without him sensing it.
      Yes Yes Yes!!!

    • Cinnamon

      Sir Guy,
      As long-term students of WWNH, we understand what feminine leadership looks like. I’d love to hear your take, however, on what masculine leadership means within a relationship, given that women are the relationship managers.

      Is it really women who lead in this arena (using feminine charm, of course), particularly after marriage, and not men?

      Your Highness Cinnamon,
      I’m unsure what you’ve unleashed but I can’t finish it today. Hopefully tomorrow or next day.
      Guy

  12. Magnolia

    Thanks for the advise. I love it.

    One more question: about men treasuring their freedom but expecting women to be loyal from the beginning, can you explain further? Does that have to do with what David Deida calls men taking care of their “mission” and wanting a dependable, faithful woman at home while they do so?

    Your Highness Magnolia,

    I don’t know Deida but it sounds the same.

    Women have but one mission in life, to live a good and meaningful life among those they love. Men have many missions and need background support, encouragement, and conviction they will not be betrayed sexually. Otherwise, they prefer their independence because they don’t fear betrayal.

    Guy

    • Femme

      Sir Guy
      So what can a woman do to convey to a potential husband he can trust her not to betray him sexually?

      Your Highness Femme,
      She acts monogamous and loyal in daily situations. Doesn’t flirt. Doesn’t wander off to talk to men at parties.
      Guy

      • Femme

        Ok that stands to reason – assuming that you mean she acts like that AFTER he has at least committed himself to her and she thinks to the best of her knowledge he is at least good enough?

        Your Highness Femme,
        Right.
        Guy

        • Femme

          Thank you.
          I at this point am curious about this: I know 2 men personally whose wives had affairs. One is now divorced but didn’t walk until the 3rd time. Before that he was trying to do everything he could to save the marriage. Cooked, cleaned, took care of kids on top of his professional work. He also went along with his wife’s lies as to why she was doing this (she claimed she had a mental disorder so he took her to doctors. She started popping pills but it didn’t stop her from having an affair number 3 – and a very publicised one because they are both well known profesionally in a rather small town where everyone knows everyone else). The other man hasn’t divorced and doesn’t intend to. You said when she cheats he wants to walk but also men don’t walk away from deep investments of themselves. Is that why those 2 men didn’t want to walk do you think?

          Your Highness Femme,
          It’s nice to think so, but I doubt it. I would say it’s more likely their lack of masculine character strength, they’ve been feminized by feminist propaganda and feminist blather and blame among those with whom they associate.
          Guy

          • Femme

            Not sure I understand…men trying to save a marriage lack masculine strength. A masculine man would in this situation walk. Did I get it right? But I’ve always thought it was very noble of them…One is a close family member.

            Your Highness Femme,
            You’ve got it right, I think, when one looks at the male nature first. Men are not born to be pushed over, run over, by females. Men learn that pop culture weakness by paying too much attention to the women in their lives, especially moms as they grow up.
            Guy

            • Meow Meow

              However, these men may find a sense of pride in the sense that they are NOT allowing their wives to force them to walk away from their deep investment in their family. It may in fact be one of the few times such men have ever been challenged to “be the better person” in their lives if they are of the younger (35 and under) generation. Despite the pain their wayward wives may be causing them they are growing as moral people do when forced to face such challenging behavior. In the long run these men may win out and sleep better at night by gaining the respect from their family/community/kids that their wives failed to give them!

              (BTW I don’t know the wife in the first story you told, Femme, but mental health issues can actually sometimes be the cause of excessive, even bizarre sexual behavior, especially if it seems to be something that came on suddenly……however, that certainly doesn’t mean the partner of such a person should or can endure it.)

  13. Magnolia

    Yes, that’s what came to mind immediately when I read your message. It reminded me of a cousin of mine who is in the Army. She has a friend and co-worker who did not marry the woman he loves because he doesn’t trust her to be faithful to him when he’s gone on deployment. I don’t know them, but I’m sure he has his reasons. Instead, he married someone who he doesn’t love, but can trust. Can’t say I blame him. It’s pure instinct. I had never seen it from this perspective. It helps me understand men better. As always, thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom with us. 🙂

    Your Highness Magnolia,
    You have inspired a new post to appear later this morning, #1968. I love it when pretty women do that.
    Guy

  14. Lady Penelope

    Hello Sir Guy

    Regarding your reply to Magnolia, what is the number of the new post she inspired that was to appear “this morning, 4/4”? I am curious to read it but have no idea how to locate it in the “Contents” page without a clearer reference.

    Thank you kindly in advance.

  15. Magnolia

    Lady Penelope, it’s post 1968– Sex Confirms His Significance. 🙂

    Your Highness Magnolia,
    Thank you. I love it when pretty women intercept and do my work for me.
    Guy

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