1558. Betrayal—The Serial Conqueror


Another kind of husband lacks respect for wife and she ‘returns the favor’ or vice versa. He’s the serial conqueror.

  • Once they get by with cheating, some men repeat it either accidentally or purposely. They become almost addicted but more to cheating than sex. They find they can and so they do. They also develop a different mindset from other cheaters. As if still single, they seek notches for an imagined bedpost.
  • Such a husband enters the cheating foray in one or both of two ways. First, he cheats accidentally. He finds adventure and self-admiration in doing it so he repeats again and again. Second, disappointed or resentful of how he’s treated by wife, he reaches out to something else (restoration of being respected plus the ever-driving pride of conquest) rather than someone else (mistress and “Wife doesn’t understand me.”).
  • Desire to score again and again steers him toward promiscuity; return episodes with the same woman suffice when a new woman is not available. Cheating and getting by with it promotes greater self-admiration, greater ambition, and more varied missions outside the home.
  • Effectively, he builds an auxiliary sex life that may become primary and preferred over that at home. Business trips and similar opportunities propel him onward and upward in the search of more self-admiration and self-respect.
  • A conquered woman loses her value, although return episodes may keep him sexually involved outside the home. When it becomes routine, respect for wife has deteriorated to a level she can detect. He lacks so much respect for wife that he frequently insults her.
  • With second and subsequent infidelities and deviations from his self-image, he relies on his past successful method of recovery rather than trying to restore the integrity of his original self-image. Wife detects it as weakened emotional fidelity and perhaps lack of devotion to her.
  • As he revises his self-image to find approval in what he does, three things occur: As with women, promiscuity weakens his emotional connection with anyone but Self. His self-image changes to include sexual expertise. His self-centeredness intensifies. All three push him further toward further adventurous habits outside the home.
  • Serial conquers have a weak sense of guilt to begin with, so it’s easily assuaged out of existence. As his self-image fails to match his behavior, he alters it. He sees a new Self. He visualizes himself as great lover rather than faithful husband, as ‘scoring master’ rather than disappointed homebody, as defender of his deceptions rather than man of integrity with primary responsibility for others.

The serial conqueror’s cheating may start with an accidental episode, but the primary justification in his mind is lack of fulfillment in the home. His wife doesn’t respect him for who he is, isn’t grateful for what he does, or fails to provide sexual fulfillment and probably more than one of those masculine expectations.

I know. It sounds as if I blame the wife. But not so! He’s to blame, because he chose her. He ‘inherited’ whatever she is long before she absorbed the knowledge and understanding that those three factors are critical to keeping a man at home.

Tomorrow’s post (1559) completes the series with the hopeless trickster.

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19 Comments

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19 responses to “1558. Betrayal—The Serial Conqueror

  1. balee

    Guy, I know these are going to be strange questions but since you are the expert here I go:

    1. How do you know when a man hates women in general? A misogynist ? Are there signs to stay away from?
    2. Why would be the reasons why a straight 21 year old man has never had a girlfriend before but neither seeks a relationships or looks at women?
    3. Are we supposed to stay away from Beta men or men who don’t seem to be interested in women even though they are straight?

    4. What are the warning signs in general of problematic men that we should be aware of ? thanks

    Your Highness Balee,

    “1. How do you know when a man hates women in general? A misogynist ? Are there signs to stay away from?” Response: Yes. Dump any guy that criticizes women generally such that you are inclined to take it personally. IOW, it seems he aims it at you.

    “2. What would be the reasons why a straight 21 year-old man has never had a girlfriend before but neither seeks a relationships or looks at women?” Response: Emmanuella (Manny) responded with some very good explanations.

    “3. Are we supposed to stay away from Beta men or men who don’t seem to be interested in women even though they are straight?” Response: No, why should you? Men are teachable and women are great teachers. It shouldn’t take much to uncover in a man the necessary traits and behaviors to see if he qualifies or not for Mr. GoodEnough.

    “4. What are the warning signs in general of problematic men that we should be aware of?” Response: Temper flare ups, disrespect of those in lower social levels, actions that don’t match words, aggressiveness that shows any inclination toward violence, sneakiness, lying, distortions designed to make him look better than he obviously is, bragging about past relationships or women, more than moderate selfishness, and all those other things that hit you instinctively as red flags.

    Incidentally, my 5-part series Beware Red Flags is listed in the CONTENTS page at blog top.

    Guy

    • Manny

      Long time lurker. First time poster. I’m not Guy–obviously–but your 2nd question interests me. I know this doesn’t apply to all guys, but this has just been my observation.

      I’m good friends with a couple of early twenty-somethings who haven’t actively pursued relationships and haven’t had girlfriends. We’ve shared a few drinks and I tease them, poking them to talk to the cute bartender or something. But they usually wave off my prods. They say that they don’t have time for a relationship and they genuinely don’t want to do the whole hook-up thing. They’re sweet guys, but like a lot of college students, they’re busy at work and take full academic loads.

      One of my best friends, let’s call him Dan, has a very impressive (but unpaid) internship at the Heritage Foundation, and is double majoring in Mandarin and Economics. Dan and I both bear the burden of an excruciating student loan debt, despite his high grades earning him a scholarship. He runs almost entirely on a cocktail of RedBull and caffeine gum he bums off his sister in the military. He’s worried about having to move back home after he graduates and the shame involved in that. He’s 21 years old and has a very fine streak of grey hair around his temples; he’s *that* stressed out. Adding a girl to the mix would just break him.

      I know that this isn’t most college boys. I mean, the stereotype of college only being full of douchey frat boys exists for a reason. But my friends are sweet guys who are just so focused on their work and trying to get through college that they just don’t have the time. There’s a great poem called “Social Life, with Friends” that wraps up my sentiments pretty well, I think.

      Whew, that was long winded. Sorry about that! Now let’s see what Guy has to say. 🙂

      -Manny

      Your Highness Manny,

      Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

      I can’t respond until Wednesday morning. See ya’ later.

      Guy

      • Manny

        Um…well this is awkward. I’m a girl. 🙂 Manny is short for Emmanuella.

        Your Highness Emmanuella,
        Sorry. I corrected my welcoming comment. Your full name is beautiful and I’m glad you corrected me.
        Guy

    • Cocoa

      Wow sir Guy! This man that I asked you about earlier, the one that keeps on asking me about my husband pretending to joke or to tease me. We agreed that he might be fishing or wondering about how tight my marriage is… This same guy sometimes talk badly about and criticises women in general. Things like, women are illogical, they are scary…etc. I do sometimes feel he is having a go at me. But now I am wondering mixing these two things together, inquiring about my husband and his criticism of women, what do you see in the microscope sir Guy? Oh dear! Could he be one of these serial cheaters?!

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      He could be, it’s hard to tell. But he most likely he falls into either serial conqueror or hopeless trickster role.
      Guy

  2. Emma

    Mr. Guys –

    How should one handle such a man/husband if this situation arises. I found my husband having secret text msgs. to more than one femel friend. As he noticed that I had glanced over the msgs. coming in (the alerts), he immediately went to defense mode. He finished the conversation with deleting the text before I saw them. (RED FLAG)! As you can imagine, he is def. having personal communication with females, he also has had phone conversations with them. What can one do in such situation. He has zero remorse (from what I can tell), denies everything and defends his lies with more lies… His reaction is very similar to past situations.

    Your Highness Emma,
    You have to first get his attention with action but no words. Here’s a suggestion that only you can decide. You can walk out or kick him out, whichever you’re more well positioned to do. Don’t explain and don’t complain, because it only gives him more material with which to argue his defense case. Until he fears losing you, he will not change. Of course, you run this risk. He may have no fear of losing you, which means you merely fill his current convenient and frequent sex role.
    Guy

    • Emma

      Thank you again!

      I have contemplated the idea, I was not sure since the “out of mind, out of sight” doesn’t work. I did start declining invitations to go out and when he text’s I do not respond, since he is not really saying anything crucial (just Hi, how bad things are). I guess, he is trying to schmoose me without actually trying to do any real work (usually what he does). So, my thinking is if he doesn’t elevate his game to meet my expectations of our marriage – one of us will need to go. Like you said – the one most fearful of losing the other will lose. Very scary thought, yet a women needs to know she is important in her husband’s life and he is not showing this other than with his providing. But the talking to other women, is so degrading to me and disrespectful that I can’t even imagine how he can love me nevertheless have any respect or afraid to loose me.

      Your Highness Emma,
      I’m traveling till Monday. You’ll have to wait.
      Guy

      P.S. I’m back. You seem to have the vital things figured out. If your withdrawal doesn’t generate pressure within him, he’s not fearful of losing you, is he?
      G.

      • Emma

        Thank you once again! Your wisdom and knowledge has been so instrumental to me that I could not have done what I am doing without your honest feedback. I hate the popular advises of marriage and how women should behave. I feel empowered and a little bit of my old self is coming back… Hubby has noticed and has begun his own changes (true or false emotions – we will see). Forgiveness has not been asked, however, yesterday he said – I do not want to loose you and will do whatever it takes. I said nothing “just a good ol’ we will see). 🙂 You should have seen his face — it was priceless, I really wanted to yell and scream, but did neither. SO we will see how this process goes, I have considered all the options and I will only stay if he can prove his worth and respect to me and our marriage. Kind of hard because Respect is such a thing that is invisible, but noticeable enough to be distinguished (lack of thereof). A women’s guide to earning the respect of a man – and the man’s guide to earning a women’s trust – aka love is what I am after.

        How a wife can earn a husband’s respect is a hard business, but so is forgiving a lying husband.

        Thank you again.

        Your Highness Emma,
        May I suggest that you quit thinking of and expecting love in the ultimate. Break it into the parts that you consider critical. Don’t mention ‘love’ to hubby but work with, manage, and negotiate around those critical parts, e.g., trust, sharing money, respect, attention, affection, expectations. IOW, be able to put and keep yourself and hubby on the same wavelength when discussions or problems arise.
        Guy

        • Emma

          Thank you for the advise and YES, I will eliminate Love from my vocabulary & thinking. I will engage in re-establishing the expectations for us to be successful., with minimum input of what I expect. I have moved out of our bedroom, not sure if too harsh.

        • Emma

          What to do if I got the attention? Now what? Do I have him go through the recovery? Proof over time that he is honest (what does this look like). You can’t imagine how nice and sweet and over promising he is now. Schmoosing me is what I call it – shoudl I discountinue the everyday life until ? Or resume life as normal, make conditions abotu his behavior? This is what I expect, anything short of it will result in XYZ?

          Your Highness Emma,
          Continue what you have been doing that provides success. It will take many months for new habits of thought and action to form.
          Guy

  3. Ouch!! I guess no one liked this cause the truth hurts so bad. Well I like it. It hurts so good. Recovery IS everything! It can take a woman a while before she sees herself as more valuable than a bed partner or baby sitter. Lord help us! Thank you for shinning a light Mr. Guy

  4. Sarina

    Sir Guy, I need to make a confession: a huge amount of women in my country are out of their minds. This thinking is prevalent: they say it’s okay to be CHEATED!! No joke, the more I talk about men with girlfriends and random women, they claim that cheating is expected and they will accept it as normal, some even stated that they respect men who cheat without being caught, others proclaimed that a man who doesn’t cheat isn’t a man!! Can you believe the mindset? I’m so shocked, especially since I’m naturally repulsed by the number of men in my country having mistresses, these men brag so much about their filth on tv, but women smile and applaud..hence my country has a reputation of girls being ‘easy’…foreign men come here as players thus I think American society is definitely on a more healthier level regarding this aspect.

    Your Highness Sarina,

    You’re witnessing the decline of civilization by Western women. They seek power so hungrily out of feminist thought that they rationalize against their own best interest. It’s the same in America but perhaps not as bad yet. The hand that rocks the cradle has kicked out the ends and taken the rockers off the cradle, and each generation of kids turns out worse than the last.

    Women don’t realize it yet. When they duplicate men in the struggle for power and expect to achieve female dominance, they reduce their personal influence with men and lose dominance of their own families.

    Regrettable and very much so.

    Guy

  5. Emma

    Hello Mr. Guy –I am a long time follower, Emma! I Can’t remember where I saw this post, something about if husband is not willing to return on your terms, he is not ready?! Situation, we are separated, going through a divorce, husband cheated for the 5 time and blames me. Today he told me that if I didn’t want to go through the divorce and be a single mother, that I should stop all of this shenanigans I am doing (silence, not fighting for him) and get my husband back! I laughed, he said well believe me you will be laughing when you are alone!!! Point is – he is still dating the OW and is hoping that I will fight for him? Does this makes any sense from a male perspective?

    It sounds to me that he is not willing to loose her yet…. I told him this and he said, you haven’t given me a reason to loose her. You don’t want me!!!

    A little lost in the process here with the double personality – one day he wants to come back, the next day he is putting our property in the market.

    Need some wisdom advise to deal with this crazy man…

    Your Highness Emma,

    “Does this makes any sense from a male perspective?” Yes, he would like to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn’t want to appear to lose the battle of the sexes that becomes battle of the exes. Why not have a foot in two houses vs. one home? If you beg him to come back, he can escape any sense of having done you wrong by doing you right (as he sees it). He has an excuse for OW and ditching her, if he in fact does. It can be ego enthralling and hence significant to be bedding two women, although now that he’s been caught cheating it may have slipped to the back of his mind. Having been found out, how to keep from losing whatever is most important to him? He maneuvers now such that when it’s all over, he can admire himself and be satisfied that he did right.

    His “double personality” is just part of the game. Tries to lure you with words while actions (indicating threats, non-devotion, or both) market your property. What else is he to do until he figures out a better strategy to get what he wants? But then, he doesn’t truly know what he wants except no changes except as he gains the most from the choices he makes.

    “You don’t want me.” He blames and guilts you knowing from past experience that everything will come out his way. IOW, he knows you full well and how you’re likely to respond, which means he lacks sufficient respect to consider your situation, stress, and desire.

    That last sentence holds the secret for you. He lost sufficient respect of you to not cheat. He now lacks enough to hold him if he should come back. So, only one route exists for you, provided that is you want him back.

    You haven’t mentioned it yet. Do you truly want him back? If yes, then I presume only if he’s faithful. Only one way exists to produce that outcome but no guarantee exists. Just the best odds.

    If he comes back to you as the same woman he cheated on, he will either leave or do it again. Not enough regard and respect for and devotion to you. Not enough importance of you in his life. So, the only way is for you to make all the choices and he either takes them or leaves them. You have to exhibit such strong self-confidence, self-worth, self-sufficiency that he comes to respect you once again.

    I recommend re-modeling yourself after the bride you were. (Oh, I know he should have obligations to help restore marriage, but you have no way of getting him to step up to it. Except, of course, as he changes in response to seeing you appear different from the woman he cheated on for another. That is your dilemma, your first choice. Is he worth it?)

    Start today, go far out of your normal way to groom and dress more attractively ALL THE TIME. Let him presume that you’re generating new competitors for him. Also, if you were thinner as a bride, get thinner. If you were more excited about life and relationships then, find ways to excite yourself now. If you were formerly neat, return to it. If you never dressed sloppily then but do now, discontinue it. If you used to cook but have fallen back, restore that old habit. If you could smile and laugh easily, return to it. If you were not critical, quit criticizing. If you could accept his smaller faults, do so once again. If you spend a helluva lot of time with job or friends, spend more time at home without outsiders. If you’ve elevated child over husband, reverse that. If he doesn’t see that he’s missing something attractive to him, his interest will not energize his thinking enough to respect you. In short, you have to start over to win his devotion—if he’s worth it, that is.

    Finally, I continue to endorse the silence and not trying to figure him out. It supports all that above and has him on edge about what you really think. When he doesn’t know what you think, it stirs him in much more favorable ways for you than does blame and criticism of him. (Men are specialists at fighting back against women when they are blamed and criticized, when they know what they are up against and expect themselves to defeat and thus earn self-admiration.)

    Guy

    • Emma

      Thank you for your wisdom, he has already moved out of our home – this situation has been going on for 5 months. He hasn’t given me a reason that he wants his family let alone me as his only women. When ever I employ the nonchalant, distant approach, he always tries to lured me back in but then I let my emotions ride me. I tell him that I want us to work and that I will only do that if I knew r was done with her. He doesn’t say much, but then comes back with “why would I let her go, when you haven’t given me any reason you want me.” I find this insulting, since he cheated and has not real reason to come back unless he feels that he will loose me.

      I think that I don’t him back – I just don’t think he will ever be faithful, in addition – I have the guilt of letting go because it will be me who will be a single mother raising our children. Not enough reasons but enough to stop me, he knows that and uses it against me, telling me, you want to go through life without my support and ability to provide? But he left us already…. Don’t get the reserve psychology, other than I think he wants to have his way with her and me!

      • Emma

        I need to learn to respect myself enough to assert myself and move into a direction of no husband. I keep waiting on him and he knows this, hence why he hasn’t made any changes. I don’t know how to earn my respect and that is my main problem.i need to learn how to do this- for myself and not to gain him back!

        Your Highness Emma,
        You’re on the right track. Be patient and especially kind to yourself.
        Guy

        • Emma

          Thank you Mr. Guy. I delivered the news…. I am officially seeking divorce. Zero response, other than I thought you wanted something else. If you have any advise of restoring respect – that would be a great post.

          Your Highness Emma,

          He tries to act cool as if you mean little or nothing, which is his attempt to lay on the guilt. Forgive such transgressions and then laugh at his juvenile behavior.

          Act more independent, self-reliant, and grateful for your new situation. Avoid bitterness and search for forgiveness. First self-forgiveness for you. Then, forgive him for being so dumb that he thought he could get by tromping on you and your future.

          Uplift the importance of the role you now play in children’s lives. Don’t downgrade him in their eyes; keep your feelings to yourself. Don’t let him know your feelings of disappointment. Be proud even if you fake it. Gently but firmly let him know, if he seems the least bit interested, that you’re significantly strengthened, satisfied to be on your own, and pleased that he entered departure mode.

          Also, get the best, most combative lawyer you can find who will make sure he works for everything he gets out of the relationship, just as he should have been made to work for everything he got out of you before you married.

          If a man doesn’t have to work for something, doesn’t have to earn it, he will never truly appreciate it. So make him appreciate getting very little out of relationship wealth, and he may find you more worthy/worthwhile. But don’t bet on it. Just make him pay dearly without bitterness in your heart.

          That’s the way to restore your self-respect. Action, action, action and belief in yourself.

          Guy

          • Emma

            I love this advice…. I am resorting my independence, in the process I also got a promotion and make more money which he doesn’t stop talking about. “So make him appreciate getting very little out of relationship wealth, and he may find you more worthy/worthwhile.
            “Also, get the best, most combative lawyer you can find who will make sure he works for everything he gets out of the relationship”.

            Would you expand on this?

            Your Highness Emma,
            The quote isn’t clear enough. Read it like this: Also, get the best, most combative lawyer you can find who will make sure that husband works for everything he gets out of the relationship.”
            Guy

      • Cinnamon

        ““why would I let her go, when you haven’t given me any reason you want me.”

        Sir Guy,

        How should Emma respond when he makes statements like this to her? Should she just meet him with silence?

        Your Highness Cinnamon,

        Yes, that’s the best. He’s fishing for something to argue about, at which he expects to win. That is, he figures he can win if they fight. His dominance, you know. Her propensity to absorb guilt, you know.

        His phrasing simultaneously imposes pity on himself and invites pity from her. Manipulative? Strategic? Lesson learned earlier? They lived together for some period unknown to me but enough for any man to figure out how to win arguments by appealing to his woman’s feelings.
        Guy

  6. MLaRowe

    May I chime in here Emma?

    I had a friend who was dating a big local celeb and the day came when he told her he wanted to see her but also to see other people too (sleep with is included in this).

    My friend had strong confidence and faith in her value as a mate. She said you can see other people OR you can see me but you can’t have both.

    He decided to see other people for about a year. (They were neighbors so she would see cars spending the night and it was really painful but she would hit tennis balls against a wall to get out her pain and anger).

    Then, after about a year guess who wanted to come back? She set a lot of hoops for him to jump through to make sure he was really going to work hard for her (he went to therapy to work on his issues and a whole lot of other things to “prove” his love).

    They have now been married for 26 years. He still gets hit on a lot but she is never worried, she told me that if he cheats that will be his decision and he knows that he will lose her (again).

    She stayed true to what she really wanted out of life. This is what Sir Guy is always telling us:

    Set a high standard.

    Be true to what you really want (in my case a faithful relationship).

    Don’t settle for less (you aren’t a product that has to be sold, you can have a happy life with or without him).

    Dress to please yourself (my favorite Sir Guy advice).

    Anyway that’s just a few things. Read and study the blog, Sir Guy has given us all a huge gift here. Let’s use it.

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