1689. Foreplay: Enough vs. Too Much?

A newbie, Her Highness Girl, has many questions about foreplay. I quote her and provide answers. All mentions of sex refer to the first time together for a couple.

You ask, “What happens when the smallest amount of foreplay gets the man aroused (erect) and then he tries to convince you that you now have an obligation…. because it’s terrible and awful and criminal of you to arouse a man and not finish? It HURTS him. It’s oh so cruel.”

Answer: So what? Terms such as terrible, awful, criminal, not finish, hurt, and cruel are exaggerations made impressive by sounding desperate and blaming you. To be sure, arousal stimulates ambitions but suppressing those ambitions teaches men how to handle themselves around women. How to sacrifice themselves on a lady’s behalf. How to honor a lady’s intent to remain virtuous (aka admirable to him and other men).

You ask, “It would seem as though foreplay unconsummated is torture for him. Is that BS or what? Is it a trick?”

Answer: Yes, it’s torture but self-inflicted. Yes, it’s BS, because an erection interferes with clear thinking, and he can’t bring himself to stop. Yes, it’s a trick, because We All Do What Makes Us Feel Good About Ourselves (WADWMUFGAO), and he feels better by trying harder, exaggerating, or even lying rather than quitting.

You say, “He was great with the guilt trips. I don’t like feeling like (or being told that) I’m a terrible person or a tease.”

Answer: Men know that women are very vulnerable to guilt trips. You can resist best by fighting back. The equivalent of guilt for you is regret for him. So, match his guilt infliction with your regret infliction.

I suggest you adopt this plan for when you’re accused of being a terrible person or tease. Shock him. Either slap him on the cheek, walk away, or otherwise demonstrate with action that you can’t accept his words much less his belief. Don’t try to use words, because they weigh too little with men and also invite backlash arguments that take away your initiative. Men respect actions, and a slap on the cheek both rocks a man’s conscience and makes him regret what caused it.

You say, “Is a girl supposed to go only up to before he’s fully aroused? How am I supposed to know what that point is?

Answer: There’s no right answer to either question. Avoiding or slowing foreplay tends to keep him coming back, if you otherwise appear promising for his future. Fruitless arousal after fruitless arousal tends to make him tire of you.

Somewhere in between you must figure out what works best for you. Just as it works by delaying first sex, delaying foreplay forces him to pay attention to your strengths and weakness (aka what you promise as mate). He seeks to learn more about you to improve his conquering techniques. The more he finds likeable for mating during courtship, the more he becomes devoted to capturing you for more than just sex.

You ask, “And do you believe that it’s ok to go all the way once engaged?”

Answer: “Ok” is too personal for someone else to judge for you. Yielding before marriage is always risky. To yield with only his words of commitment is dangerous for the female. To yield after seeing evidence in his actions that he’s devoted to you alone also contains risk but not as problematic. You have to figure it out all by yourself.

You ask, “Does a man really want to marry a girl without knowing for sure what he’s getting in terms of sex?”

Answer: Men of course claim they should know. Women are ambivalent, because they don’t know enough about themselves and even less about men. Both premarital and marital compatibility come from many things more important than sex. If a man makes marriage conditional on having premarital sex, dump him before he dumps you. A man truly devoted to a woman sees first sex with her as less important than possessing her as mate.

You say, “I wish I lived 200 years ago when men couldn’t pull all the nonsense they pull today.”

Answer: That’s what you think. They’ve always pulled such nonsense, because God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize men to conquer women sexually. It’s a primary mission that women collectively moderate through cultural values and individually control through fulfillment of hopes and dreams.

If you yield virginity to his words of anguish and discomfort, you’ll regret for life having yielded prematurely. Not that it’s such a disaster, which it may or may not be, but that you failed yourself. You could have done better with another man or having delayed until later.

If a frustrated boy or man perceives similar frustration in you, he will try much harder. When he learns from your superb patience and his self-control that an erected state only frustrates him, he’ll back off some with the foreplay. Then, he’ll turn to influential words and proclaim his commitment in order to bed you. You should expect it. The world works this way: He proposes, she disposes.

Best wishes for making sound judgments. Remember too, “Morals are the work of woman.*”


*Alexis de Tocqueville, “Democracy in America”


Filed under courtship

7 responses to “1689. Foreplay: Enough vs. Too Much?

  1. Boomer babe

    WOMEN need LOTS of foreplay in general..especially when the 1st time doesnt feel good for her…this might be..why many women in the past kept their virginity easier. Besides you can get pregnant the 1st time you have sex. My sis in laws 1st baby was a HONEYMOON baby.

  2. Just an FYI to the question about going all the way when you are “engaged.” The title “financee” has replaced “live-in girlfriend”. Years ago I would counsel women at pregnancy centers who told me they living with their boyfriends. About 10 years ago I noticed that the word usage had changed. Now they said they were engaged to be married.

    Men aren’t stupid. If proposing marriage will get the girl to sleep with them, they’ll propose marriage. I am sure many of the men felt “committed” when they proposed. The beauty of this blog is that it tells us that a mans view of commitment will only go as high as the woman requires.
    If she requires a ring and a proposal from him in order to sleep with him, by golly, he’ll do it!

    These women I counseled who were living with their boyfriends, wearing the ring etc. Guess how many of them ever got married? Very few. Guess how many of them weren’t sure enough of the commitment that they got tested for STD’s? Most of them.

    Guess how many of them had a baby with their boyfriend and he STILL didn’t propose? Many of them.

    The next time you meet a couple that has been engaged for quite a while and seem to be enjoying the pleasures of marriage already, try an experiment. Privately ask the woman when they are getting married. Then, privately ask the man when he plans to marry her. In my experience, the answers will differ greatly. Men in long term relationships always think of marriage as WAAAAY down the road.

    As gramma used to wisely say, “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?”

    As far as a man needing to know what he is “getting” sexually.
    A man who commits to love, honor and cherish a woman through marriage will get a woman who fully gives her heart, soul and body to him! And she will become the best sexual partner ever.

    Jill Farris

    • Boomer babe

      I ALSO notice how the term ‘SINGLE’ is been used: you were SINGLE when you were NOT MARRIED… now, it means when you dont have a BOYFRIEND?! Also, if a woman is engaged, who proposed to whom; could it be that SHE PROPOSED?
      A month ago. I saw something foolish, called MANGAGEMENT RINGS! many wrote in and said it was OK? BUT many did NOT..and thought the girl was being foolish and CHEAP

    • Anne

      Well-said and sadly true! I have a cousin who spent years in just this situation (endlessly engaged but living with her boyfriend). Then he broke off the engagement and I’m sure her heart felt like it went through a divorce. But, socially, there is no stigma against breaking off an engagement; in fact, people are applauded for discerning against marrying the “wrong person” in the nick of time! So, the man dusts his hands on his pants and walks on, while the woman suffers deeply. (Not to say the man isn’t sad, but I think men move on faster and do not suffer in the same way on account of premarital sex.)

      • Girl

        Dear Anne, this is so true. I have a friend who has been living with her boyfriend for, I don’t know, like 5 or 6 years. He did buy her a ring, and that was like 8 months ago. They have no date set. I almost wonder if he got the ring to keep her strung along. I have tried encouraging her to move out because it seems to me he has no plans of moving forward. I think he needs to get the idea that she’s willing to move on, so he can decide one way or another what he wants to do, be honest about, and either follow through or release her to move on. Who wants to play house forever??

        Dear Guy, I wonder what your thoughts on that are?

        Your Highness Girl,
        Your thoughts are clear and wise. Don’t, however, think things will be as clear and wise if you ever get involved in a similar situation. Viewing from outside reveals none of the glue inside.

  3. Girl

    Dear Guy,

    Thank you so much for the thoughtful and detailed reply to my questions! This is fantastic: “I suggest you adopt this plan for when you’re accused of being a terrible person or tease. Shock him. Either slap him on the cheek, walk away, or otherwise demonstrate with action that you can’t accept his words much less his belief.” I don’t know that I’d have the courage to slap someone (and in today’s day and age, one could be “slapped” in return with a law suit), but I love the idea of responding with something shocking.

    I have been reading through a lot of the site, and the conclusion I have drawn (correct me if I am mistaken) is that the idea is to not come right out and reveal that you intend to wait until marriage. “Her refusals—as opposed to rejection of him—generate respect for her and mystery as to why not.If that is the case, how does one make it very clear that her reasons are moral so that the man will not take it as a personal rejection? “Her refusals—as opposed to rejection of him—generate respect for her and mystery as to why not.” Of course, I presume “pretending” he’s taking it personal is part of his arsenal. But should one say, if words are needed?

    Also, would you please define for me the difference between abstinence and chastity? I suspect the former is utilitarian and the latter is a matter of principles, but how does one convey “chastity” versus “abstinence” in practical and receivable terms? How does one let a suitor know that she intends to wait for marriage without giving him the idea that she thinks he’s “the one” and just wants to wait until “they” are married? Indeed he might not end up being “the one.” That has yet to be determined.

    And I was reading the post wherein you addressed the mother of a six-week-old baby whose husband pushed her away in bed for nodding off during sex. In one of the replies, someone commented that “going six weeks without sex is a challenge to a man.” If this is the case, then how can we possibly expect a man to go six months? A year? However long the courtship and engagement last until marriage? I know you have said that making it be clear that it is a matter of principles and not rejection of HIM is paramount, but how do you do that? If a man is going to take the utter exhaustion of a woman who just gave birth six weeks ago personally, then how can a man be expected to wait the length of a courtship and engagement? I realize that his entitlement to sex is only in marriage, but this does not change his biology, or the way he interprets the world… especially if he’s had sex before elsewhere and can just as soon get it elsewhere. Is it then realistic to expect a man will be servicing himself elsewhere whilst simultaneously proving his worth to me? :/

    Your Highness Girl,
    My response took awhile. It also grew to daily article size. So, you’ll find it Saturday as #1693.

    • Kaikou

      I love this quote by Sir Guy, although I can’t always remember it correctly, but the essence is there:

      “The one who fears losing the most, loses.” Don’t complain or explain. Why compromise for someone who might not be worth it.

      Lady Kaikou

      Your Highness Lady Kaikou,
      You’re right. You got the essence.

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