A newbie, Her Highness Girl, has many questions about foreplay. I quote her and provide answers. All mentions of sex refer to the first time together for a couple.
You ask, “What happens when the smallest amount of foreplay gets the man aroused (erect) and then he tries to convince you that you now have an obligation…. because it’s terrible and awful and criminal of you to arouse a man and not finish? It HURTS him. It’s oh so cruel.”
Answer: So what? Terms such as terrible, awful, criminal, not finish, hurt, and cruel are exaggerations made impressive by sounding desperate and blaming you. To be sure, arousal stimulates ambitions but suppressing those ambitions teaches men how to handle themselves around women. How to sacrifice themselves on a lady’s behalf. How to honor a lady’s intent to remain virtuous (aka admirable to him and other men).
You ask, “It would seem as though foreplay unconsummated is torture for him. Is that BS or what? Is it a trick?”
Answer: Yes, it’s torture but self-inflicted. Yes, it’s BS, because an erection interferes with clear thinking, and he can’t bring himself to stop. Yes, it’s a trick, because We All Do What Makes Us Feel Good About Ourselves (WADWMUFGAO), and he feels better by trying harder, exaggerating, or even lying rather than quitting.
You say, “He was great with the guilt trips. I don’t like feeling like (or being told that) I’m a terrible person or a tease.”
Answer: Men know that women are very vulnerable to guilt trips. You can resist best by fighting back. The equivalent of guilt for you is regret for him. So, match his guilt infliction with your regret infliction.
I suggest you adopt this plan for when you’re accused of being a terrible person or tease. Shock him. Either slap him on the cheek, walk away, or otherwise demonstrate with action that you can’t accept his words much less his belief. Don’t try to use words, because they weigh too little with men and also invite backlash arguments that take away your initiative. Men respect actions, and a slap on the cheek both rocks a man’s conscience and makes him regret what caused it.
You say, “Is a girl supposed to go only up to before he’s fully aroused? How am I supposed to know what that point is?
Answer: There’s no right answer to either question. Avoiding or slowing foreplay tends to keep him coming back, if you otherwise appear promising for his future. Fruitless arousal after fruitless arousal tends to make him tire of you.
Somewhere in between you must figure out what works best for you. Just as it works by delaying first sex, delaying foreplay forces him to pay attention to your strengths and weakness (aka what you promise as mate). He seeks to learn more about you to improve his conquering techniques. The more he finds likeable for mating during courtship, the more he becomes devoted to capturing you for more than just sex.
You ask, “And do you believe that it’s ok to go all the way once engaged?”
Answer: “Ok” is too personal for someone else to judge for you. Yielding before marriage is always risky. To yield with only his words of commitment is dangerous for the female. To yield after seeing evidence in his actions that he’s devoted to you alone also contains risk but not as problematic. You have to figure it out all by yourself.
You ask, “Does a man really want to marry a girl without knowing for sure what he’s getting in terms of sex?”
Answer: Men of course claim they should know. Women are ambivalent, because they don’t know enough about themselves and even less about men. Both premarital and marital compatibility come from many things more important than sex. If a man makes marriage conditional on having premarital sex, dump him before he dumps you. A man truly devoted to a woman sees first sex with her as less important than possessing her as mate.
You say, “I wish I lived 200 years ago when men couldn’t pull all the nonsense they pull today.”
Answer: That’s what you think. They’ve always pulled such nonsense, because God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize men to conquer women sexually. It’s a primary mission that women collectively moderate through cultural values and individually control through fulfillment of hopes and dreams.
If you yield virginity to his words of anguish and discomfort, you’ll regret for life having yielded prematurely. Not that it’s such a disaster, which it may or may not be, but that you failed yourself. You could have done better with another man or having delayed until later.
If a frustrated boy or man perceives similar frustration in you, he will try much harder. When he learns from your superb patience and his self-control that an erected state only frustrates him, he’ll back off some with the foreplay. Then, he’ll turn to influential words and proclaim his commitment in order to bed you. You should expect it. The world works this way: He proposes, she disposes.
Best wishes for making sound judgments. Remember too, “Morals are the work of woman.*”
*Alexis de Tocqueville, “Democracy in America”